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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my husband said he has 3 kids when he has 4?

632 replies

LaGauchiste · 15/11/2021 16:05

I haven't spoke to my husband for 2 days He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.

Friday night, we went to the pub with his 2 new colleagues and their partners. We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him " So how many kids do you have?" He replied by saying that he had 3 sons. The woman proceeded to say " So all boys no girls?"
He laughed and said "yup".

At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly. WE HAVE A DAUGHTER. My 20 yo daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.

I confronted him at home , and he saw nothing wrong with it : " Well she's dead, we don't have 4 children anymore".

I grabbed my purse and went to my sister's house. Haven't talked to him since. He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me, that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter's death.

Aibu? I never want to see him again.

OP posts:
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 15/11/2021 19:11

I'm not as convinced that he was saying op needs to get over the death so much as get over the fact he now feels they have 3 children. Neither view is right or wrong it's such a personal matter. He is as entitled to his view as the op is, but neither of them are treating the other well from the sounds of it.

callmeadoctor · 15/11/2021 19:11

Her daughter only passed away in 2019, Im still not over mine who died 20 years ago, its not so easy..........................................

callmeadoctor · 15/11/2021 19:12

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus

I'm not as convinced that he was saying op needs to get over the death so much as get over the fact he now feels they have 3 children. Neither view is right or wrong it's such a personal matter. He is as entitled to his view as the op is, but neither of them are treating the other well from the sounds of it.
He may be entitled to his view, but if I was his wife I would be telling him our marriage is over.
peachesarenom · 15/11/2021 19:14

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think this is the sort of thing you get over. I think it changes you and you find a way to live with it. Lots of love and hugs xxx

HeyFloof · 15/11/2021 19:15

@callmeadoctor

Have posters on here not seen what the OP posted?

"had he not been laughing then sending me texts " X She is dead, get over it[...] You need to stop making it a big deal[...] don't ruin our marriage just because you can't accept the truth."

Yes. At this point, my marriage would absolutely be over.
Kite22 · 15/11/2021 19:16

You have no idea how hurtful ‘he’s not wrong though is he?’ is. I am actually disgusted with those of you who have said this. It’s like saying, ‘oh that one doesn’t count anymore because they’re dead.’

It isn't saying that AT ALL, in any shape or form.
What people are saying is that we all have different ways of coping with death - in particular the death of a young person, where you don't have the 'consolations' of being able to say they had a great life, and so forth. It is incredibly traumatic for the child's mother but it is equally as traumatic for the child's father. Nobody is saying what you are suggesting here, and it is quite nasty that you are suggesting they have. Everybody who has said, or hinted at those words is saying that the young woman's father is not wrong in coping with his own grief in the way he is managing it, even though it might be different from the mother.
The issue here is that the grief is still very raw, and the OP and her dh do not seem to have acknowledged yet that there are different ways that people cope with grief, and neither one is "the right way". They need to move to an understanding that they are both doing their best to adjust to the situation they are in, in their own way.

ParkheadParadise · 15/11/2021 19:16

@peachesarenom

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think this is the sort of thing you get over. I think it changes you and you find a way to live with it. Lots of love and hugs xxx
That's exactly what happens 💔💔💔
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 15/11/2021 19:17

He may be entitled to his view, but if I was his wife I would be telling him our marriage is over.

We don't know what she said when she challenged him, the problem is every comment is out of context. Not talking will guarantee the marriage is over though

Hertsgirl10 · 15/11/2021 19:17

Of course you’re not being unreasonable, at all.

You will always have 4 children no matter what and I don’t know why anyone would say any differently.

If he died and someone said are you married you wouldn’t just say no I’m single.

I get why he wouldn’t want to start that whole conversation and try to avoid it but he should have said he has 4 children, I get why you’re upset. I’m not sure what you can do but I hope that you’re ok ❤️

GinPin2 · 15/11/2021 19:18

So so sorry for your loss, your only daughter. Sad Flowers

MaxNormal · 15/11/2021 19:18

@Ryannah I actually gasped when I saw your post. That is unbelievably cruel of you.

Practicebeingpatient · 15/11/2021 19:18

This is so sad. Both of you grieving in your own way and hurting one another in the process.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/11/2021 19:18

Oh Op, how absolutely awful for you Flowers

I don’t think either of you is wrong exactly

He probably didn’t want to make it awkward for the person asking but I get that this must feel like a punch in the guts for you

FluffyBooBoo · 15/11/2021 19:19

@callmeadoctor

Her daughter only passed away in 2019, Im still not over mine who died 20 years ago, its not so easy..........................................
I don't think anyone is saying it's easy.

I think it must be the hardest thing in the world. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

Trethew · 15/11/2021 19:19

Maybe his way of coping is not to want to talk about it, especially in pub conversation. Your way of coping is different

saraclara · 15/11/2021 19:20

@LaGauchiste

WorraLiberty

How is it manipulative. He can do whatever he likes, I am not forced to accept it. I hated that he told me to get over our child's death.

He didn't ell you to get over your child's death. He told you to get over the fact that he didn't include her in the number.

I'm so sorry that you lost her, but it does seem that you are over-reacting and choosing to misinterpret what happened and what he said to you.

saraclara · 15/11/2021 19:22

Sorry, I missed your last post, OP.

It does seem as though you both need some counselling though. You went through something traumatic, and your different ways of dealing with it are obviously causing major problems.

Hertsgirl10 · 15/11/2021 19:22

Some really quite sick people on this thread, don’t you people understand that your 2 second comment could have some lasting affect of someone? Especially someone that’s grieving. Can’t believe how insensitive people are.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/11/2021 19:22

Sorry I did miss the last update. Those texts put an entirely different spin on it. It looked initially from the OP as though he was being apologetic and loving in his messages, but those messages put an entirely different spin on it Sad

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 15/11/2021 19:23

@Ryannah

He currently has 3 children. He didn’t want to get into a personal conversation about what happened to the 4th. You’re being ridiculous imo.
Clearly some people bring the same energy to a thread started by a grieving parent as they to do a parking dispute thread.

Anything to get a little punch in. Good for you.

drawacircleroundit · 15/11/2021 19:23

He didn't want the conversation to become awkward. He knows that there is a time and a place. That's a skilled conversationalist. However, did he not say this to you afterwards?

Stopsnowing · 15/11/2021 19:24

I stopped asking people how many children they had when a women said to me ‘I had three but one died’ and was clearly very upset.

PurpleOkapi · 15/11/2021 19:24

@callmeadoctor

Have posters on here not seen what the OP posted?

"had he not been laughing then sending me texts " X She is dead, get over it[...] You need to stop making it a big deal[...] don't ruin our marriage just because you can't accept the truth."

All of this happened after OP flipped out at him for being unwilling to volunteer that they'd lost a child (or maybe pretend that their daughter was still alive?) to a complete stranger. Him doing that won't make her less dead, and OP - not him - is the one contemplating ending their marriage over it.
AppleTree16 · 15/11/2021 19:26

One of my siblings died unexpectedly a few years ago. I now always says I’m one of the reduced number to new acquaintances (obviously people who know me properly know). It’s just easier that way and you don’t have to do the whole oh-no-I’m-so-sorry routine etc.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 15/11/2021 19:27

Him doing that won't make her less dead,

Wow, I bet the OP never knew that. How lucky she is you're here with your insight,