To not want MIL babysitting

[Shiresunshine]

Apologies for such a long post, but I hate a drip feed.
I’m due in two weeks and recently MIL has mentioned buying her own travel system, crib, etc in preparation for “all the babysitting” she’ll be doing.
I have a strained relationship with her already, we’re very different people, but the main issue is her drinking, neither DH or I feel we could trust her alone with a child.

She’s been a functioning alcoholic for (roughly) 15 years. It has, as you’d expect, gotten worse over the years to the point shes having seizures on a nightly basis (BIL is still living at home and witnesses it).

DH and BIL spoke with her one night last week - they managed to catch her as soon as she got in from work before she’d make herself a drink. She doesn’t beleieve she has an issue and insists she wouldn’t drink if she had baby around.

DH and I are meant to go for dinner tonight at her house and I know she’ll bring it up and put me on the spot. A few members of DH family thinks we should give her the benefit of the doubt, but I’m not convinced they know how bad her drinking is.

AIBU- give her a chance, she might not drink.
AINBU - don’t risk it

Surely you don’t need to ask an Internet forum if it’s ok to leave a baby in the sole care of an alcoholic who suffers seizures

Seriously?

Thanks.
I have her sister next to me who believes I’m being ridiculous and “of course she won’t drink when she becomes a granny”.

Wanted to let her know I wasn’t being “precious” or “nasty”.

Absolutely no question about this, your child should never be left in her sole care.
As an aside, she’s being super overbearing with buying all the ‘big ticket’ baby items… that on its own would piss me off!

No it’s not safe to leave a baby with an alcoholic.

Of course yanbu. You also don't need to make a big of thing of this if you're keen to avoid conflict.

If she wants to get ahead of herself and stock up on things, that's her choice. When the time comes, you just make the arrangements that you're comfortable with.

Nope, nope and nope again.

Alcoholism aside, I'd be really miffed if anyone bought tons of baby stuff and assumed they'd be having my newborn to stay.

Great big NO!

Anyone outside of this situation would say you’re NBU. I wouldn’t risk leaving a dog in her care.

Obviously don't risk it! Why would you?

If she asks about about baby sitting just say that you don't feel ready to leave the baby and you don't need to leave them so baby sitting is unnecessary.

From my own experience you should never leave your baby with anyone you aren't 100% confident with. It's pointless as you spend the entire time worrying about the baby and wishing you'd never agreed to it anyway.

Stand up for yourself and your baby, being a parent is about keeping them safe, doesn't matter if MIL is upset your loyalty is to your baby.

@Ughmaybenot
She’s bought this stuff for her own house, not for ours, because she’s under (despite being told) that she’ll babysit for us.

But yes, she is awfully overbearing as well!

YABU to ask. I think you know this is not ok.

I stopped reading at seizures every night.

I don’t think the time to give benefit of the doubt is with a newborn baby… would they say the same thing if it was their child being left? Do these family members with opinions have dc of their own?

This is your baby and you get to make the parenting decisions.

No you don't leave your child with an alcoholic prone to seizures. That's just basic level parenting and whatever anyone else says doesn't matter.

When baby arrives I expect you'll find your natural instincts to protect your child will make saying no to people a lot easier.

I've never left my children alone with my MIL and never will.

Big fat no. Supervised contact only

Use this as an incentive for her to give up the booze. Until she can prove to you and the rest of the family that she has accepted help from her gp and probably AA, she won't be allowed to babysit.

I have her sister next to me who believes I’m being ridiculous and “of course she won’t drink when she becomes a granny”.

Then the very day you give birth she will be stone cold sober all day, the day after that too. And then you can apologise for having doubted her...

... or maybe her sister will see the issue for what it really is.

You aren't being precious or nasty. An alcoholic is never to be trusted, one that has 'episodes' even less so.

Discuss it with DH before you go. He needs to lead your united front. He needs to say no, because of your drinking. Often. Leave her in no doubt, with no wriggle room. There is no spot for you to be put on. DH says "No mum, that won't be happening". Your only response is "As DH said, that won't be happening"

Alcoholics are hard to manage, they are all quite devious in hiding their activites and very good at emotional blackmail. And that isn't a generalisation, it's characteristic of the addiction. Recognise itm, believe it and don't fall for it.

Dealing with that behaviour can make you feel really hard nosed and unlike your real self! Best of luck!

Why is this even a question. Of course you shouldn't "risk it".

Utter madness!!

Even her taking it upon herself to buy her own travel system etc would rub me up the wrong way - even if she wasn't an alcoholic!

Does she drive? If so tell her you may need her to get to the hospital so if she could be on stand by until you give birth? If she does stay off the drink then you know she's serious, if not you can honestly say 'we asked you once to not drink for the baby and you didn't manage then, the subject is closed'.

Even her taking it upon herself to buy her own travel system etc would rub me up the wrong way - even if she wasn't an alcoholic!

This! Even if she wasn't an alcoholic why would she think she is having your newborn alone anyway.

If she’s at the stage where she’s having nightly seizures she’ll probably need medical supervision if she ever wants to stop drinking - prescription drugs to stop the seizures getting a lot worse.

ive been in a similar situation, my nan passed when my ds was 6 weeks old and me dh and baby moved in with my granadd so he wasnt alone. it became aparent almost imediately we moved in that he was drinking heavily (big bottle of whiskey a day) and there was no way i could leave him with the baby if had to go out. he wouldnt have intentionally harmed ds but could have quite easily got drunk enough to forget he was baby sitting. It devestated me but I had to put my foot down and say no.

Omg no absolutely not. She is an ALCOHOLIC she doesn't choose whether to drink or not, she will do it regardless of having a baby in the house.

I’m sure the ones who are saying YABU likely wouldn’t leave a tiny helpless baby with her either, however as it’s not their baby they feel they should try and stick up for their relative by shaming you.
As if having a grandchild cures alcoholics. 😂

Yeah no... over my dead body would I leave my children with a alcoholic who has seizures. Recipe for disaster.