To not want MIL babysitting

[Shiresunshine]

Apologies for such a long post, but I hate a drip feed.
I’m due in two weeks and recently MIL has mentioned buying her own travel system, crib, etc in preparation for “all the babysitting” she’ll be doing.
I have a strained relationship with her already, we’re very different people, but the main issue is her drinking, neither DH or I feel we could trust her alone with a child.

She’s been a functioning alcoholic for (roughly) 15 years. It has, as you’d expect, gotten worse over the years to the point shes having seizures on a nightly basis (BIL is still living at home and witnesses it).

DH and BIL spoke with her one night last week - they managed to catch her as soon as she got in from work before she’d make herself a drink. She doesn’t beleieve she has an issue and insists she wouldn’t drink if she had baby around.

DH and I are meant to go for dinner tonight at her house and I know she’ll bring it up and put me on the spot. A few members of DH family thinks we should give her the benefit of the doubt, but I’m not convinced they know how bad her drinking is.

AIBU- give her a chance, she might not drink.
AINBU - don’t risk it

My friends dm is exactly the same, she's never been allowed to babysit the dc.

Sometimes she might have the dc over to her house for a few hours but it's only when her dh is home. She said the same, I'll not drink when I have the gc. That never happened, that's why she only sees them without their parents when her dh is home. First time she had them she managed to last until mid afternoon before the vodka started flowing. The gc are now older and one made a joke the other day about grandma drinking vodka rather than water, so they are well aware of how she is.

When a baby’s safety is involved you don’t have to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. You and your DH are already being good parents by saying no to your MIL looking after your child.

The money that MIL is spending on stuff for the baby would be better used by paying for a stint in a rehab clinic. Has she ever sought any help for her alcoholism?

How does she know that your mother will be looking after your child when you return to work? If you stop telling her stuff, she'll not know about it.
She is probably trying to out-do your mother on the 'Who is the best grandmother' competition (thinking buying baby equipment is going to do it). She needs to be put straight on that.

Your DH needs to have a word with her and tell her to return it so that she can at least get her money back or sell it on to someone, or donate it to a women's refuge. It isn't going to be used so she will have wasted her money.

If your MIL has seizures daily, she needs immediate medical attention. Having seizures makes you prone to more seizures; she could go into status epilepticus and die.

Her seizures may be related to withdrawal of alcohol as in DT-delirium tremens. I've had patients in as in advanced alcoholism and seize very quickly and we medicate them to prevent it-it can kill them vs a long,slow addiction will.

Absolutely NO way on earth should she be left alone for even a second. She is clearly delusional of how deep her alcoholism goes.

I am confused by the mention of seizures. Alcoholism will only cause seizures in withdrawal, ie when the individual has not actually drunk for about 24 hours. You say this happens nearly every evening, which would imply that MIL is not drinking, in which case the seizures should be wearing off. Are you sure there is not another condition affecting your MIL? Such as epilepsy? should somebody be suggesting she see a doctor?

Could be epilipsy, or FND. All sorts of oddities happen in the brains of alcoholics. Not only withdrawal.

@maryanne3

I am confused by the mention of seizures. Alcoholism will only cause seizures in withdrawal, ie when the individual has not actually drunk for about 24 hours. You say this happens nearly every evening, which would imply that MIL is not drinking, in which case the seizures should be wearing off. Are you sure there is not another condition affecting your MIL? Such as epilepsy? should somebody be suggesting she see a doctor?

My late BIL had seizures when he was still drinking. He died from cirrhosis of the liver, although I believe that his death certificate states alcoholism.

Nope fuck that, my dad was an alcoholic, nearly killed us several times.
Course she’ll have a drink when she has baby, or before. Anybody who says she won’t is as disillusioned as she is.

Imagine if something happened to your child in her care. You’d never forgive yourself for ignoring your better instincts in order to appease family.

Imagine if social services found out you knowingly allowed an alcoholic, under the influence and prone to seizures, to have sole care of your infant.

folks dont have random seizures when they are drinking,...you may get them when you stop but in my experience i had someone in a terrible state when withdrawing, all sorts of hallucinations. If your MIL is havin a seizure every night then it needs checked out as her having a glass or ten isnt the reason

folks dont have random seizures when they are drinking

My late BIL did.

RampantIvy it is not normal and may not have been drink related. It may be he had other things going on which led to his excessive drinking, But alcoholism does not lead to regular fits unless it relates to withdrawal

She’s drinking to the point she’s having regular seizures. Not only would she not be taking care of my child of any age, she can’t even stop drinking by herself by the sound of it- she will need medical intervention for that.

SIL is a nasty drunk and expected to babysit and take our DC out on her own when they were babies. She wanted the attention of being seen out with them and based on her outrageous behaviour in the past, including starting physical fights etc, it was a hard No! Thankfully MIL was totally aware and supported us in this decision. However, she used some relatives as flying monkeys at a larger family event who tried to put us on the spot and insisted that SIL was no longer drinking at all and how we devastated her by being so unsupportive etc. DH brought along some single pack breathalyzers, obviously knowing them a lot better than me. His sister was drunk as a skunk at early lunchtime. Point made. We are virtually NC with her and that lot since for many years. We will not expose our DC to people while drunk. Hence I would not just say no to babysitting but consider what kind of presence she will be in general.

For everyone pointing out how neglectful I’d be if I left my child alone with an alcoholic - I definitely will not, and was never going to.

As for the seizures, she 100% has them when drinking, I’ve seen it. It is often pared with her having a cigarette as well, but she’s never has them without also having a drink.

She has been told/ encourage/ begged to seek help, to go to her GP, we’ve had to phone ambulances for her. Neither DH or I have went with her to appointments, she wouldn’t allow anyone to go to the GP with her and her partner has been the one to go to hospital with her.

DH and I know she needs proper medical help to stop her drinking. We’ve offered to pay for rehab for her, though I’m sure she could afford it herself, we’ve offered to go to AA meetings with her, drive her wherever she wanted to go for one, but sadly nothing has worked.

@theremustonlybeone
I assume its similar to the seizures people can have when they have alcohol poisoning.

@LookItsMeAgain
It never crossed my mind to lie about my mothers involvement or hide things from MIL. She’d find out when the times comes anyway.

I will suggest to her to return things, tonight wasn’t the right time for that. I’m sure she’s got a few things from Facebook market place but hopefully she’ll donate them/ resell.

@WheelieBinPrincess

Surely you don’t need to ask an Internet forum if it’s ok to leave a baby in the sole care of an alcoholic who suffers seizures

Well, no one else really needs to add anything else.

This 👆🏽

No you do not give her the benefit of the doubt as if youbdo this only goes one way. First she stays sober caring for baby, but then one drink won't hurt, followed by another until she blacks out with your child in her arms on the stairs. You get the picture. If anyone says anything tell them they are welcome to leave their baby in her care but you will not. Point out if she ever wants to care for your child she seeks help for her addiction and admits she has a problem. Get your husband to make this very clear now before she buys these things for at her house and says you did not stop her and how unfair it is to waste these things. Make it clear what your boundaries are now so everyone is on the same page.

[quote Shiresunshine]@LookItsMeAgain
It never crossed my mind to lie about my mothers involvement or hide things from MIL. She’d find out when the times comes anyway.

I will suggest to her to return things, tonight wasn’t the right time for that. I’m sure she’s got a few things from Facebook market place but hopefully she’ll donate them/ resell.[/quote]
It's not lying as such...it's just not being forthcoming with information or willingly telling her stuff that she doesn't really need to know about.

Put her on a need-to-know basis - if she needs to know, you tell her. If she doesn't, you don't.

That's how I would deal with it.

I'm astonished this is even a discussion. She could buy the house next door but that wouldn't entitle her to sole care of anyone.

If she is that far into denial and still has family members equally in denial she is unlikely to seek help any time soon.

Of course yanbu, but be gentle with her. Maybe ask her to look after the baby when you're at home and keeping a watchful eye. Being a granny may help her give up alcohol and become better. So give her the illusion of responsibility, say you're counting on her not to drink etc and observe (but obv don't leave her alone with the baby)

She smokes as well?! .