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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL babysitting

125 replies

Shiresunshine · 15/11/2021 11:37

Apologies for such a long post, but I hate a drip feed.
I’m due in two weeks and recently MIL has mentioned buying her own travel system, crib, etc in preparation for “all the babysitting” she’ll be doing.
I have a strained relationship with her already, we’re very different people, but the main issue is her drinking, neither DH or I feel we could trust her alone with a child.

She’s been a functioning alcoholic for (roughly) 15 years. It has, as you’d expect, gotten worse over the years to the point shes having seizures on a nightly basis (BIL is still living at home and witnesses it).

DH and BIL spoke with her one night last week - they managed to catch her as soon as she got in from work before she’d make herself a drink. She doesn’t beleieve she has an issue and insists she wouldn’t drink if she had baby around.

DH and I are meant to go for dinner tonight at her house and I know she’ll bring it up and put me on the spot. A few members of DH family thinks we should give her the benefit of the doubt, but I’m not convinced they know how bad her drinking is.

AIBU- give her a chance, she might not drink.
AINBU - don’t risk it

OP posts:
TotallySuper · 15/11/2021 11:57

@Shiresunshine

Thanks. I have her sister next to me who believes I’m being ridiculous and “of course she won’t drink when she becomes a granny”.

Wanted to let her know I wasn’t being “precious” or “nasty”.

Your sister is delusional and doesn't understand what an alcoholic is.
Chocolatewheatos · 15/11/2021 11:58

She's an alcoholic. Of course she'll drink. Would she not stop drinking once she started having seizures if it was so simple?

However. I'd just let her buy what she wants rather than argue and just never mention going out without the baby and just never let the opportunity arise for her to have them .

RuggerHug · 15/11/2021 12:00

@RuggerHug

Does she drive? If so tell her you may need her to get to the hospital so if she could be on stand by until you give birth? If she does stay off the drink then you know she's serious, if not you can honestly say 'we asked you once to not drink for the baby and you didn't manage then, the subject is closed'.
Sorry just to clarify what I meant. If this is the reason she does decide to stop and get help then the time leading up to the baby arriving can be when she shows it and gets the help. Until then it's a non runner.
ANameChangeAgain · 15/11/2021 12:01

Let her waste her money. Baby won't be going anywhere near.

Christmas101 · 15/11/2021 12:02

I'm wondering who the 3% YABU are...

Whatinthelord · 15/11/2021 12:05

Of course you’re right that she can’t care for the baby.

Tell her as soon and as clearly as possible so that her expectations are managed. Be blunt.

QueenOfCatan · 15/11/2021 12:06

I wouldn't leave my newborn with anybody, regardless of the alcohol! I think my eldest was over a year before I left her for more than an hour or two, play breastfeeding a child with allergies played into that but I didn't want to leave her either! Second time dd2 was 8+months and it was a professional I left her with! If you're happy with it earlier that's cool too, but you don't leave your child with anybody until you feel comfortable leaving them with that person, sod them and their feelings on the matter. I would never leave my girls with an alcoholic.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 15/11/2021 12:09

Discuss it with DH before you go. He needs to lead your united front. He needs to say no, because of your drinking. Often. Leave her in no doubt, with no wriggle room. There is no spot for you to be put on. DH says "No mum, that won't be happening". Your only response is "As DH said, that won't be happening"

This. Your DH shouldn't allow you to be 'put on the spot'. Time for him to speak up and deal with his own mum.

Original poster
Shiresunshine · 15/11/2021 12:14

Pretty sure it’s my MIL sisters Hmm

She has been told a few times by DH (he’s taken the lead on this) but sadly she doesn’t seem to listen.

I’d love her to have a good relationship with baby, but worried her drinking in general will hinder any sort of bonding or us being able pop round.

Alcoholism is such a horrible condition. She definitely needs professional help, but until she admits that herself I don’t see it happening.

OP posts:
DownWhichOfLate · 15/11/2021 12:15

If she has been an alcoholic for 15 years she will need medical advice and monitoring to stop drinking. Stopping cold would actually be incredibly dangerous. Advise her to speak to her doctor. But definitely don’t leave your baby with her.

Original poster
Shiresunshine · 15/11/2021 12:15

@Skiptheheartsandflowers
DH is the one who’s already told her. I know that she will ask me out right about it which is what I mean by “put on the spot”, not that he’s not on the same page.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shiresunshine · 15/11/2021 12:17

@DownWhichOfLate
Yeah, she definitely needs help.

Over the years her children have tried speaking to her about it, but she refuses.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 15/11/2021 12:18

Have your BIL film one of her seizures the next time she drinks, have him send it to you and your DH. Every time someone starts spouting off that it's "not faaaaaiiiiirrrr" you won't let her have your baby show them the footage and ask if they would leave her in charge of a cat. Time to get tough OP.

Chocolatewheatos · 15/11/2021 12:18

"We'll see, it's too early to decide anything yet. It'll be a while before we're ready to leave her with anyone." Every time she offers when baby's older "that's a lovely offer, we'll let you know when we want to go out without her." Just keep fobbing her off.

Platax · 15/11/2021 12:20

@Shiresunshine

Thanks. I have her sister next to me who believes I’m being ridiculous and “of course she won’t drink when she becomes a granny”.

Wanted to let her know I wasn’t being “precious” or “nasty”.

If she carries on drinking despite the fact that she is now having seizures, it's compulsive, and there is no way she will be able to stop herself drinking just because she's a granny. If anything, the stress of looking after a baby will make her drink even more.
SaturdaySummer · 15/11/2021 12:23

@LadyDanburysHat

Even her taking it upon herself to buy her own travel system etc would rub me up the wrong way - even if she wasn't an alcoholic!

This! Even if she wasn't an alcoholic why would she think she is having your newborn alone anyway.

Honestly this would irritate the life out of me. Completely over stepping the mark to assume she will even be getting left alone with the baby.
NeilBuchananisBanksy · 15/11/2021 12:24

It really is a family disease. I'm glad your DH and siblings see through it. Your MIL siblings are clearly in denial. I'd be blunt with them about how bad it is.

Don't sugar coat anything, firm no.

Whitegrenache · 15/11/2021 12:24

@nettytree

Use this as an incentive for her to give up the booze. Until she can prove to you and the rest of the family that she has accepted help from her gp and probably AA, she won't be allowed to babysit.
💯 %
anon12345678901 · 15/11/2021 12:25

It's a definite no from me! I'm glad your DH is on the same page as you, honestly she will not be able to be trusted with the baby at all.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/11/2021 12:26

These things always seem so huge, but when the baby is here just repeat ad nauseam "I dont need anyone to take the baby yet"

Get your dh to back that up.

MeridianB · 15/11/2021 12:27

Presumably she won’t be fobbed off with “we’ll see”?

What will her reaction be when you say ‘that won’t be happening’?

It’s a great big hard no from me. If she’s going to keep pushing it then the sooner she realises the better. It could even be the catalyst for her to seek help.

Hope she doesn’t drive, BTW…

ApolloandDaphne · 15/11/2021 12:28

MIL sister is delusional if she thinks your MIL will be able to give up drinking to babysit. It just won't happen.

Doubledoorsontogarden · 15/11/2021 12:30

Can you cite the seizures rather than anything else? You can’t leave a baby in the sole care of someone with seizures that are not controlled by medication.

shouldistop · 15/11/2021 12:30

Your dh needs to not let MIL put you on the spot tonight. If she brings it up then he needs to answer firmly and tell her to leave you alone.
Who the fuck would leave their baby with an alcoholic. She's out of her mind.

Staryflight445 · 15/11/2021 12:31

It would be heavily neglectful to even consider this. Screw what other family members think, it’s not right.

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