To not want MIL babysitting

[Shiresunshine]

Apologies for such a long post, but I hate a drip feed.
I’m due in two weeks and recently MIL has mentioned buying her own travel system, crib, etc in preparation for “all the babysitting” she’ll be doing.
I have a strained relationship with her already, we’re very different people, but the main issue is her drinking, neither DH or I feel we could trust her alone with a child.

She’s been a functioning alcoholic for (roughly) 15 years. It has, as you’d expect, gotten worse over the years to the point shes having seizures on a nightly basis (BIL is still living at home and witnesses it).

DH and BIL spoke with her one night last week - they managed to catch her as soon as she got in from work before she’d make herself a drink. She doesn’t beleieve she has an issue and insists she wouldn’t drink if she had baby around.

DH and I are meant to go for dinner tonight at her house and I know she’ll bring it up and put me on the spot. A few members of DH family thinks we should give her the benefit of the doubt, but I’m not convinced they know how bad her drinking is.

AIBU- give her a chance, she might not drink.
AINBU - don’t risk it

@Holly60

No it’s not safe to leave a baby with an alcoholic.

If they are a sober and recovered alcoholic it is arguably safer to leave a baby with them than a drinker in denial; which I agree is out of the question. My point is, please stop generalising and labelling ‘alcoholic’ as a liability.

If she challenges you and puts you on the spot, challenge her right back
"MIL, DH are in total agreement that we won't be allowing you to have any unsupervised time with DC when he/she arrives. We'll possibly reconsider that if your health improves, but until then, please stop spending money on things that won't be used."
Don't sugar coat it. If you and DH are in agreement, your decision is final.

See this quite a lot on mn in regards to family having newborn over to stay. Does this actually happen? My dd didn't leave my sight, she's only just slept over at my parents house and she's 2.5yrs. Just curious as I'd be beside myself

When you talk to your MIL about babysitting, I would tell her not to spend money on equipment etc. Tell her that whilst you are very much looking forward to introducing baby to her, her problematic drinking means that baby will not be safe to be left. If she were to join AA or Smart Recovery and commit to a sober life then the matter could be reconsidered by you in time…..you have to present it as a natural consequence rather than an emotional punishment. Say that you wouldn’t be responsible parents if you left baby with her as she drinks.
By the way, you don’t have to be an alcoholic to attend AA ….just a problem drinker 😀. I say this because a lot of people immediately bite back when the word alcoholic is used and use it as an excuse to never try or attend a meeting.
Be a shame if she chose her right to drink alcoholic beverages over being trusted with her grandkid.

Jesus, the lengths some people think that others should go to to appease family members!

I'm hazarding a guess that MIL's sister is a similar age to MIL & therefore won't ever have to decide whether or not to leave her own baby with her alcoholic sister!

“I’m sorry MIL, but we cannot leave the baby in your sole care until your issues with alcohol are sorted”. Repeat repeat repeat

As a nurse that works with drinkers, I can safely say that if she drinks enough to be having 'seizures' then she simply won't be able to stop for a night. Or she'll just have worse withdrawals. Or else be drunk. Either way she is unfit to look after a child of any age.
She can probably lie pretty convincingly.

"I know she’ll bring it up and put me on the spot"

Tell her that you haven't even had the baby yet & have no idea if they will ever be left with anyone else.

Refer her to your husband to tell her that you haven't even had the baby yet...

Realistically, her GC being on the way hasn't been impetus enough to stop drinking has it?

Just be upfront. Say "Look, we all know there is an issue with your alcohol intake. So long as that continues you will never have sole charge of our child.

We want you to know that so you won't waste money on kit you'll never be able to use."

No way would I leave my nearly 20 year old, 5 year old or 2 year old with an alcoholic who has seizures as it's not safe.

A person who is an alcoholic cannot just stop being an alcoholic just because they are a granny now and they agree that it would be a good idea not to drink. Alcoholism is an illness and it doesn't just go away when you want it to.

You cannot leave your baby in her care. Doing so would be irresponsible, neglectful and dangerous parenting.

Neither of my d-i-ls allowed me to babysit, at mine, until my DGC were, at least, 2! Their decision. I did babysit in their own homes. YANBU

I don't believe an alcoholic will suddenly be able to give up drinking all of a sudden when she becomes a granny. She should be getting sober now to prove herself. I'd want to see her sober for a substantial amount of time before I let her babysit alone.
YANBU.

@2bazookas

Just be upfront. Say "Look, we all know there is an issue with your alcohol intake. So long as that continues you will never have sole charge of our child.

We want you to know that so you won't waste money on kit you'll never be able to use."

Yes this.

Where is the kindness in pretending anything other than the truth in this situation, when you think about it?

She’s an alcoholic. She therefore has no control over her drinking. A relative of mine was talking about some they knew recently who found an alcoholic friend collapsed in the road. She’d left her 5 year old daughter in bed at home alone late at night with the front door wide open.

When she inevitably brings it up again be very direct with her and state exactly why she won’t be baby sitting. This is her doing not yours and you are entitled to keep your child safe from harm.

I can’t believe relatives are pressuring you into giving into her. That’s awful.

You have had several good answers here already. I agree that you need to be blunt and not sugar coat it.

I like the reply "As DH said, that won't be happening". You can add "so please don't waste your money on buying anything for the baby".

I'm staggered that anyone thinks it is OK for you to let your MIL look after your baby. I wonder if the people who voted YABU are the MIL and her sister.

And if it’s been going on for 15 years then she won’t ever be cured. She’s now having seizures so it sounds like she’s too far down the line.

You'd be negligent to leave a young child in the care of someone you know to be unsafe to care for them.

@PrawnofthePatriarchy
Well done on getting sober! It’s nice to hear a positive outcome.

MIL sister is sadly deluded/ in denial. I’m sure the whole family have seen the seizures, they’ve seen her wet herself, passed out outside etc. I honestly don’t get why they can’t understand where we are coming from, I’m sure they’d fe different when they become grandparents.

We’ve made it clear we will still visit and she is welcome to come to us, but that we won’t allow our child to witness the extreme behaviours that sadly come with being drunk to that level. But we’ve not made the decision to go NC

I’m not sure how soon she’s expecting to babysit - I do plan on breastfeeding, so obviously wouldn’t be any time soon for anyone. We do have 6 weddings next year, I’m guessing she thinks we’d ask her to babysit for some of them? And she knows my own mum has already agreed to babysit one day a week when I return to work after my year off.

Of course you can't leave the baby with her - the issue is how to handle her asking.

You have a few options, depending on how conflict averse you are.
You could just keep saying no and have a falling out (depends on if this would bother you)
You could tell her to stop asking and refuse to see her until she drops the subject all together
Or you could be vague and non committal the whole time, lots of 'maybe' and 'we'll have to see how I feel when the time comes' type comments, then when baby is here, you won't need babysitters / be ready to leave baby anywhere etc.

@JunoMcDuff

You'd be negligent to leave a young child in the care of someone you know to be unsafe to care for them.

This!

Ultimately, it doesn't matter whether MIL or MIL's sister or anyone else is convinced or not.

Your (and dh) job is to take care of your baby. You don't even need to explain yourself to them, they don't have a timeshare in your baby.

If they are a sober and recovered alcoholic it is arguably safer to leave a baby with them than a drinker in denial; which I agree is out of the question. My point is, please stop generalising and labelling ‘alcoholic’ as a liability.

What's the point of this nitpicking @Lotusmonster - are you a PR for recovering alcoholics?
Even recovering ones can still be a bloody liability - for some, once the beer goggles are off, their loved ones are instead subjected to dealing with whatever personal circumstances or personality disorder drove them to drink in the first place, & the drinking is simply replaced with a different kind of destructive behaviour pattern.

Besides, MiL is hardly at the recovery stage, more at the "one of these seizures is going to kill her at some point" stage, so I don't see that it's helpful to claim that she might become 'safe' if she chooses sobriety.

You would be 100% negligent to leave a baby in the care of an alcoholic.

This could be the ultimatum that makes her give it up, but she needs to accept that she has a problem, as do the other family members. While people continue to say that she hasn't got a problem she won't even begin to accept it from people who say she does.

I think you both need to be blunt to knock her demands on the head. Be unequivocal that her alcoholism is dangerous, that it's public knowledge and that her drinking makes her unfit to care for anyone let alone a baby.

She's probably in deep denial about how bad her drinking is, pretending to herself that her family haven't witnessed all the shit that goes with active alcoholism.

I'd like to hope that confronting her might prompt some change but to be honest by the time you're having daily seizures you're well on the way to alcoholic brain damage and there's no way back from that.

Putting it in context, I was physically dependent on alcohol when I went into rehab but weeks after I got sober my liver function was back to normal. I had a long way to go before I started having seizures. Your MIL is near the end of the line. She may not be physically able to recover.

But this isn't your problem. I wish you luck with this unhappy situation.

"It's a child, not a bottle of vodka, why would you be interested, you old soak?"