To not want MIL babysitting

[Shiresunshine]

Apologies for such a long post, but I hate a drip feed.
I’m due in two weeks and recently MIL has mentioned buying her own travel system, crib, etc in preparation for “all the babysitting” she’ll be doing.
I have a strained relationship with her already, we’re very different people, but the main issue is her drinking, neither DH or I feel we could trust her alone with a child.

She’s been a functioning alcoholic for (roughly) 15 years. It has, as you’d expect, gotten worse over the years to the point shes having seizures on a nightly basis (BIL is still living at home and witnesses it).

DH and BIL spoke with her one night last week - they managed to catch her as soon as she got in from work before she’d make herself a drink. She doesn’t beleieve she has an issue and insists she wouldn’t drink if she had baby around.

DH and I are meant to go for dinner tonight at her house and I know she’ll bring it up and put me on the spot. A few members of DH family thinks we should give her the benefit of the doubt, but I’m not convinced they know how bad her drinking is.

AIBU- give her a chance, she might not drink.
AINBU - don’t risk it

[quote Shiresunshine]@Skiptheheartsandflowers
DH is the one who’s already told her. I know that she will ask me out right about it which is what I mean by “put on the spot”, not that he’s not on the same page.[/quote]
And when she does then you can reply

"You've already been told no and DH explained why"

That would be the easiest rinse and repeat sentence to have at your finger tips, wouldn't it?

100% no. But I do feel for you. Alcoholism has been something which has plagued many people I know (both themselves/ their families). Whilst most people who are alcoholics (and receiving help) are generally very good people, you cannot trust someone in active alcoholism. Which by the sounds of it you don't.

The seizures are extremely worrying, I'm surprised she hasn't been hospitalised, but not really a whole lot you can do until she decides to get help. Apart from be there to support her when she does decide to get help. It doesn't sound like you would, but help does not mean falling for her "victim-hood" that she is being mistreated by not being allowed to mind her grandchild, if she does recover she will be able to very clearly see and understand why she was not allowed.

Thankfully the situation would be different now, but until about 3 years ago I said, quite often, to my mother that when I have DC she would never be left to mind them. Possibly never even allowed to see them. But she is different now, it took a while to trust it and to see it, but I can see it now. Hopefully tha will be the case with your MIL.

Why is she waiting for baby to arrive to stop drinking? She should be seeking help to stop NOW, before the baby arrives, to show you she is serious about it.

I'm a sober alcoholic.

If she's still drinking in full knowledge she's so far gone she's having seizures then there is FUCK ALL chance she'll stop for the babysitting.

In fact she's at a point already where stopping will require careful medical intervention as it is potentially life threatening to stop at that point without assistance,

This thread is for your MILs sister to see?

Well, i hope her eyes have been opened.

Bloody mental to think a hardened alcoholic can babysit a child. Perhaps the sister is in denial?

At least your DH is on your side OP. So many of these type threads where that isn't the case.

Personally i too would want to pussyfoot about with the maybe's and the we'll see's - but it's really only delaying the inevetable if she's that pushy.

I think you should be brave and say no, it won't be happening thank you. And be ready to say why. It's not your responsibility to prove you're right about her alcoholism to anyone. You're not in a court of law.

When you become a parent it's time to face awkward convo.s sometimes.

Good luck

Don't be wet. Protect your child. Tell her no.

You do have the option to approach this head on without the drama. Dont be tempted to play the victim (MIL just wont stop nagging me) the hero (well this may be the incentive she needs to stop drinking) or the villain (she is a dreadful MIL she should stop drinking immediately)

Just state your requirement for the relationship, and leave it up to her to decide if she wants to fit in with that.

The supporting actors (aunties etc) can decide to say and do whatever they want, you cant control them. But you can decide if you are (or not) going to be dragged into the drama of thinking that you are responsible for anyone else’s state of mind, emotions or actions.

MIL I will not leave anyone alone with any of my children if they have drunk more than 1 glass of wine in the previous 4 hours. I will not leave anyone alone with any of my children if they have drunk anything and need to drive my child until they are stone cold sober. I am happy to buy a breathalizer if that will make it easier all round to have facts on this issue.

We will be happy to spend time with you if you decide you dont want to reduce your drinking to this level, but I will not leave you alone with my child.

Rinse and repeat, and follow though.

I think it won't go away if you don't deal with it. Its going to have to happen at some point so if she puts you on the spot then stay calm and front up. Its nobody else's business to say what you should or shouldn't do. Decide between you and DH the form of wording you are going to use and use it....and then use it again and again. I suspect that whenever you have to deal with it, certain of your family will kick off so better to get it dealt with and done IMO.

My mum is an alcoholic. Nothing, no incentive, no repercussions have stopped her drinking. No way will an alcoholic stop drinking for a grandchild's sake. Quite simply it's not that easy.

Your MIL sister is not coming out of this well. Delusional at best.

People lie about what they're willing to give up for newborns. It's absurd.

If she wants to prove herself it needs to start now. Just tell her that.

Tell her that

SHE chooses to drink

Therefore

YOU choose for her not to have the baby

She needs to stop drinking and stay sober for a very long time doesn't she before she can care for a vulnerable human being?

Tell her Sister that we all have choices in life and we have every right to have them without being made to feel guilty by other people

The good thing is there's already a default "no" built into the situation. Anyone who wants to have alone time with your baby, whether it be MIL, me, or that guy on the pavement, the answer is automatically "no".

There's a chance that this will change to a "yes" but this is entirely at your discretion.

So anyone who assumes they'll be taking over care of your baby just gets an incredulous laugh. Don't get into reasons and justifications.

How is MIL even going to "put you on the spot"? Like you're sitting there eating and she'll suddenly ask, "So when can I have the baby?" Just say, "We'll let you know".

I'd ask your DH to ask her to postpone buying anything until it is actually needed. That there are lots of types of baby equipment out there and there's no need to get anything in advance.
That he will help her look for the right stuff when the time comes.

Then just take it step by step.

She won't be babysitting while the baby is tiny so there's no immediate threat. Her statements about buying stuff will frighten you so keep this in mind to reassure yourself.
Keep reminding yourself that there is no immediate threat.

Then also get her to postpone any purchases. If she buys anything keep reminding her you said not to buy anything yet.

Your focus needs to be on your health right now, not wasting energy trying to reason with a drunk.

Anyone tries to put you on the spot, just, "The child's not born yet".

Just don't let her have the baby. You don't need a 12-point plan of defense.

Do not for goodness sake start giving her goals she could/should reach which might make you change your mind.

ie:
no more than one drink a day and we'll think about it,
or
no more than x amount by x time and she might be able to have the baby for x amount of time,
ect ect ect.

She'll lie and say she's done what you ask and you'll know she hasn't and then you'll have an even more shitty conversation involving her lying.

Just keep it simple and say [gently] No. And that's that.

Of course she can't babysit. Don't be bullied and be blunt about the reasons she can't.

I'm a sober alcoholic. If your MIL has reached the point of seizures she's not far off death from alcoholism. She might easily die if she stops drinking without medical supervision.

Tell her - and everyone else - she's not going to spend any time with the baby until she's got a year's sobriety under her belt. You never know - it may be what she needs to save her own life. I stopped drinking because I could see my marriage wasn't going last. Maybe your baby will be the trigger for your MIL if she has to face the truth.

DH and I are meant to go for dinner tonight at her house and I know she’ll bring it up and put me on the spot.

Good. Don't view this as being "put on the spot" - treat it as the opportunity it is.
"No need to lash out all the money on baby things MiL - I won't be letting my baby out of my sight for at least the first 6 months!"

A few members of DH family thinks we should give her the benefit of the doubt, but I’m not convinced they know how bad her drinking is.

They can think what they like. They don't get to make decisions for you or your baby. When they have their own babies, they are welcome to hand them over to unstable drunks. You have more sense.

What? Give her the benefit of the doubt using your baby as a guinea pig? Nah!!

I’d love her to have a good relationship with baby, but worried her drinking in general will hinder any sort of bonding or us being able pop round.

You really need to stop deluding yourself about this.
Alcoholics - particularly ones whose disease is so advanced that they are suffering nightly seizures - do not have healthy relationships with anyone.

Just the uncontrolled seizures, with no plan to seek medical attention to control them is enough. Also she shouldn't be driving purely from the seizure point of view.

There are only two tracks to take in this situation imo. Either “no, that’s not going to happen and you know why” or “We’d love for you to get yourself well enough for it to be safe to do that”.

She won’t get sober though. My parents lost their own children rather than lose the drink.

Also if anyone, including her sisters, start on you ask them bluntly. I did that when people got on at me about not allowing my father to meet my children.
“Would you feel she was a safe and good babysitter for your child/grandchild?”
It also tends to really make them think if you use the child’s name - “Would you feel confident if she had Molly for the day?” was a question that stopped a raft of questions for me.

She won't stop drinking when she becomes a grandparent. Currently going through similar with a relative .