To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

First, Canada is expensive and there are also better countries to do an overseas working holiday (I did an OE as a youngster. I recently moved here and not really a fan.
Second, people are not similar culture like you might think. I have now found many lovely people here but also other very interesting ones.
Third, think about it, it’s a country where many native kids mysteriously died and mysteriously “no one knew” about it and supposedly Canada is just realizing it happened but it was happening right up to the 1990s. That’s odd.

Such a fantastic opportunity for her, she’ll have a blast. She doesn’t need to be
academic, just hard working and good at making the most of her opportunities. I left on a working holiday 30 years ago and never went back!

What your DD wants to do is totally normal for her age group OP. Honestly, the way you and your DH have lived your youth is very much not normal to most people. Be proud she wants to better herself and grow.

Her only having GCSEs doesn’t mean anything. You can pick up education at any point of your life, even abroad.

It sounds like an awesome opportunity OP. Of course you and your DH will miss her loads, I’m distraught without my DS and he’s only 3 hours away at uni! Your DD sounds really sensible and she’s done all her research, and she’s ready for an adventure. You should be making plans to go out and visit her next year!

I can see why you would be worried, and I'd make sure a child of mine knew and had the embassy details on the very slim chance of something dreadful happening alongside the health insurance and ring-fencing home money.

But beyond that, I agree with most others that it could be a great opportunity and it's great she has the chance for it.

‘We’re lucky to live in the U.K. and have everything we need, why would you bother going somewhere else?’

People used to say that to me about the US - and I left there when W Bush was on his first term.

The idea that even if things are lovely that there are other experiences to have is a great one for a young adult.

I can understand you feeling sad that your DD plans to be so far away for two years . I would be sad too. I know many people struggle when their young adult DC head off to university, even when it's only an hour or two down the motorway .

It will be a brilliant opportunity for her though , and now is the time to do it. I can imagine if she were to tie herself down at 19 with a mortgage and/or long term relationship instead of going for this chance she would always wonder 'what if' and that could impact on her relationship with your or her dad if she felt she had been emotionally blackmailed into not going .

Good friends DD did exactly this, but with Australia. It was all legit & she had a great time living out there for a few years & the experience helped her hospitality experience a lot,making it easier to get good work when she returned home.

I agree with doing your own research too though. If my 19yo olds research is anything to go by, that would be sensible. My DD insisted that she'd researched a festival staff company thoroughly when she accepted a job from them... turned out they were the rip off merchants my research through up, DD disagreed & worked a full day anyway & got only half the money she was promised. So definitely worth you checking too

Ahh, your daughter is at a wonderful age - the whole world is at her feet, ready to enjoy!
Funnily enough, I landed into Toronto yesterday. I love Canada ( I live in the U.K.) it's like a lovely cross between Europe and USA. The people are friendly, it's not overly expensive and I feel safe as a lone woman.
It's a wonderful opportunity to see what's outside of her home town. Perhaps you could go and visit her too!
However, if she goes and it really isn't for her, she can always come home.

Threw up 🤦‍♀️

@CinnamonJellyBeans

All these people telling you not to worry wouldn't be breezy if it were their own teenager moving across the planet. They'd be shitting themselves too. However, the risks compared to the benefits are small, so you are right to let her go.

There's a lot you can do to mitigate the risks

As she will be responsible for herself, she needs a crash course in personal safety drills for all scenarios. unpleasant as this is, start with the Suzy Lamplugh trust and then websites for travellers. There are probably courses she can attend on personal safety and self-defence too.

I think that once you can see she has her "street-smarts", you and your husband will be happier to let her go.

They really wouldn’t be ‘shitting themselves’ — I fully expect DS will live in other countries throughout his life, may do university abroad, and may well spend much of his life overseas. My parents felt similarly to your husband, but it didn’t alter the fact that of their four children, one spent 26 years overseas, living everywhere from the ME, the US, France, and the UK (we’re not from the UK), another 17 years in Japan, and another upwards of ten years in Poland, China, Turkey, and Greece.

I’m 49 now and moved countries in 2019 —while I’m settled here for now because of DS’s schooling, DH and I are planning to live overseas again.

I think the OP is talking about the visa requirements

Who is to say that the DD won't get a permanent job offer while she's out there, with a company willing to sponsor her visa? Marriage is not the only way of getting to live abroad.

@MiddayMass

Yes, our town is a bit of a backwater unfortunately. Think stereotypical ex-mining town.

I come from a similar place and have lived all over the world.

I appreciate your concerns but if your DH continues to sneer and criticise his adult daughter's choices he will drive her away.
She sounds smart and sensible and I bet if she were male he'd be fine with it. But what he's actually saying is he expects his daughter to stay at home and be a housewife/make the same choices her family have made because he feels threatened that she's confident and sensible enough to make different choices. It's an attempt to disempower her and to rationalise his own lifestyle. He needs to understand that this isn't about him.

Your DD is heading off on a well planned adventure. The risks of her choosing to stay away are greater the more unpleasant and unsupportive you are

A relative of mine did the Bunac thing (quite a while ago) before going to uni, so when she was 18, and it was a good experience for her. Her best friend went with her and they made their way from East to West, sometimes sticking together, sometimes doing their own thing, working in shops and cafes in different places (including a ski resort where she learnt to ski in her time off!). They had a great time. Canada is very safe country (just watch out for bears) so I think you've probably got off lightly. And a great place to visit too, so you can pop over and see her whilst she's there!

Oh, OP, be proud of your Dd, having vision of a horizon beyond that she has grown up with.

As it happens, your DH’s stream of rain on her parade will almost certainly strengthen her spirit to give it a try.

Young people make friends quickly, especially working together in hospitality.

I won’t lie: I would miss my Dc like crazy (but would be changing at the bit to visit for a holiday) but us missing our children is NEVER a reason to clip their wings. They are not our pets.

What a wonderful daughter she sounds

I would be very proud of her

@Redrosesandsunsets

First, Canada is expensive and there are also better countries to do an overseas working holiday (I did an OE as a youngster. I recently moved here and not really a fan. Second, people are not similar culture like you might think. I have now found many lovely people here but also other very interesting ones. Third, think about it, it’s a country where many native kids mysteriously died and mysteriously “no one knew” about it and supposedly Canada is just realizing it happened but it was happening right up to the 1990s. That’s odd.

Wages reflect prices. What's wrong with living somewhere that has a different culture? Every country, sadly, has some shit or other in its past/present. Not least the UK with slavery/colonialism and Ireland with the laundries.

I can't think of many better places to do what she's lined up, TBH: Canada is safe, affluent, has good public services etc.

I did BUNAC at 18, albeit to the US and just for a summer and then a couple of months travelling. That was years ago (90s) and it was safe and well organised. I'd imagine it's only got better since then.
Your daughter sounds proactive, ambitious, organised and sensible. Hospitality is a tough industry but if you're good at it, which it sounds like she is, it can offer a lot of opportunity. I know people for whom jobs/careers in hospitality have allowed them to live in North America, the Caribbean, Oceania…

So, good for her!
And tell your DH to give his head a wobble.
(I spent some of my childhood in a stereotypical ex-mining area –village not town – and his views sound depressingly familiar).

@Redrosesandsunsets

First, Canada is expensive and there are also better countries to do an overseas working holiday (I did an OE as a youngster. I recently moved here and not really a fan. Second, people are not similar culture like you might think. I have now found many lovely people here but also other very interesting ones. Third, think about it, it’s a country where many native kids mysteriously died and mysteriously “no one knew” about it and supposedly Canada is just realizing it happened but it was happening right up to the 1990s. That’s odd.

1) Just because you don't like it doesnt mean she won't.

2. Most people consider cultural differences to be one of the main positive things about foreign travel, not a negative. If everywhere were culturally similar, why bother to travel at all?

3. So Canada isn't 100% perfect? No shit sherlock! The UK also doesn't have an amazing record if you look at some of the things that have gone on here in the recent past. Forcible adoptions, shipping children to Australia, endemic racism in many instutions.... but the country is much more than those things (as will be the case for Canada).

This is standard gap year territory - if you think of it that way would it make you feel better?

It’s lovely to hear of young people this age making their own way in the world and starting with something so exciting too.

You seem to have raised and independent and resourceful young adult which is ace!

Let her do it, it sounds like a brilliant idea. Research the company if you’re worried - look on trust pilot etc, but it will be a great experience for her.

All these people telling you not to worry wouldn't be breezy if it were their own teenager moving across the planet. They'd be shitting themselves too
My son did "work and travel" in New Zealand at age 20 and I have to say I did not feel even mildly worried at any point. He sorted it all out, showed me that it was a reputable company (though not as huge as Bunac). He'd already been on holidays abroad on his own at 17/18, and managed to sort things out really well, e.g. getting himself and a load of friends home when their coach was cancelled late at night in Italy. New Zealand actually requires these young people (who come every year in their thousands) to have enough money to get home again, so that was all sorted. I don't think I'm particularly heartless, but at no point did it feel any more concerning than if he'd been gallivanting around closer to home. Possibly as I did the same thing when I was in my 20s and it just felt like a really cool adventure :)

OP I don't blame you for being a bit concerned about safety but I think the main reason is that you will miss her and that's understandable but if you try to discourage her it will sour your relationship. If she is adventurous and loves working in hospitality then she could have a wonderful career working in amazing hotels around the world. You should be very proud of her and start saving for some interesting holidays when you can go and visit.

This will be a great experience for your daughter- but the only comment I would make is that I’m not sure how fast visas are being issued. I know that the ski area that we own at is really short on staff and local news articles have employers saying that even people with job offers may not get out in time for season start, because they can’t get their visa. Maybe applying via an organisation wasn’t such a waste of money this year if they have been able to help get the visa processed.

I went off travelling at 17 on my own. I get that it's scary from parent's POV but it's Canada and as long as she's sensible and has researched things then it should be fine. It's also easier than when I did it as with google maps on your phone it's hard to get lost anywhere.

@CSJobseeker

Is anyone else imagining the OP's DH to be just like the husband in Shirley Valentine?

So, just think how exciting it'll be if for once you had it at a quarter past six. It'd make headlines. "World exclusive: Joe eats late."

I thought exactly the same! Shirley Valentine😁.

Brilliant film... And a good example of men clipping women's wings....husband felt like a horror story... (I avoided many such men from my home town... Sadly some my pals didn't!)

See also Educating Rita - (Rita's husband😁)