To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

Wow - what a fabulous opportunity for her - of course she should go and do this!
We raise our kids to leave the nest - not to hold them back. The more you try and keep her home the more resentful she'll become and more determined to go. Of course you'll miss her, and she may get homesick at times, but she should go for it.
I'd be planning one of those coast to coast train holidays to meet up with her somewhere next year !

As long as she has enough for a return ticket and some emergency money and the proper health insurance, there is no reason for her not to go. Your DH needs to be more supportive and stop trying to clip her wings.

@CSJobseeker

I think the OP is talking about the visa requirements

Who is to say that the DD won't get a permanent job offer while she's out there, with a company willing to sponsor her visa? Marriage is not the only way of getting to live abroad.

It isn't but it's difficult to get that kind of offer without relatively niche qualifications or experience. The OP is probably correct that her DD won't be able to move there permanently given that she only has GCSEs.

As a Canadian employer, why would you bother with the immigration process when you can just hire a 21 year old Canadian

I hope your dh doesn't put her off, though, OP, with his negativity. I know one girl who did a year in Australia and absolutely loved it. She was about to extend her visa but her dad persuaded her not to, as he "couldn't bear her being so far away". The poor girl cancelled it all, came back home to a dull job and when I met her a couple of years later, she still hugely regretted not having stayed there longer, and was pretty depressed about being stuck in her home town forever or having to disappoint her dad.

I wonder if your dh is also actually just afraid of his little girl growing up and not being as close?

@Redrosesandsunsets

First, Canada is expensive and there are also better countries to do an overseas working holiday (I did an OE as a youngster. I recently moved here and not really a fan. Second, people are not similar culture like you might think. I have now found many lovely people here but also other very interesting ones. Third, think about it, it’s a country where many native kids mysteriously died and mysteriously “no one knew” about it and supposedly Canada is just realizing it happened but it was happening right up to the 1990s. That’s odd.

What a classic Little Englander mindset. You sound as if you’re ‘not really a fan’ of anywhere.

@tcjotm haha i have onky been able to visit cities/ live on my own for the last 5ish years since childhood so maybe 😂

shame, i love Australians

She will have an amazing time and learn so much about herself, other cultures and Canada! In a ski resort there will be lots of people her own age working there, so she should have an amazing time.

I would be very impressed with her if she was my DD, especially that she's researched and organised it all herself. (I'd obviously be worried about her going, but I wouldn't stop her or tell her!) She's obviously one of life's go getters It will also be looked at positively by future employers..

Your DH needs to have a think about what he wants his future relationship with her to be. If he continues to be so negative about her trying new things and spreading her wings, he could ruin their relationship for a long time. He may not like it and it may not be something he would choose to do, but he needs to respect her choices and believe that the two of your have brought her up to be a sensible, responsible adult.

She’ll have a marvellous time!

BUNAC has been in existence forever, it’s not some fly by night hussle. She’s researched her options and sounds a practical and sensible young woman.

If her father wants a loving and healthy relationship with her as an adult he’d better think hard about how he responds to her plans and ambitions.

Wow how wonderful. I Have never heard of this. I'd love my dc to do something like this but I will probably prefer cookie cutter uni. As she isn't going to uni yet this is a great thing for her to do to be independent and grown up. What better time than now to do this?

I barely travelled post uni but I have done some. Your dd needs wider horizons and as Boris and Co have buggered up Europe for our dc she may as well take advantage of the commonwealth.

@CinnamonJellyBeans

All these people telling you not to worry wouldn't be breezy if it were their own teenager moving across the planet. They'd be shitting themselves too. However, the risks compared to the benefits are small, so you are right to let her go.

There's a lot you can do to mitigate the risks

As she will be responsible for herself, she needs a crash course in personal safety drills for all scenarios. unpleasant as this is, start with the Suzy Lamplugh trust and then websites for travellers. There are probably courses she can attend on personal safety and self-defence too.

I think that once you can see she has her "street-smarts", you and your husband will be happier to let her go.

I think you’ll find that many of us have already been through this with our adult DC.

Yes, all parents worry a little bit when their offspring travel or move away for the first time as teenagers but ‘shitting ourselves’? I think not.
We know our DC are resourceful and capable and we want them to experience even more of the world than we did.

I say this as someone who also grew up in a mining town in the East Midlands where the boys mostly went to work in the local mine and the girls went to work in the local sewing/knitwear factories. My mum was bright but marrying my dad so young was her biggest regret as she never got to fulfil her own ambitions. Thankfully, she had a different mindset from my friends’ parents and didn’t want her children to stay stuck in that small town, so we all moved away.

I lived in different parts of the U.K. and I now live abroad and all my adult DC live in different countries. I expect my youngest will travel and live somewhere else when he’s grown up too.

I second making sure she has good insurance and keep some emergency funds back just in case.
Our daughter was stuck in Thailand when the pandemic started and it was a nightmare getting her home. She is now itching to return and we wouldn't dream of preventing her.

Canada is lovely. It's a long journey way, but it's quite culturally similar in many ways, more so than a European country. Two years isn't that long and sounds like a great opportunity, my friend has done similar

This will be wonderful for her.
I went to live in the US and worked as an au pair when I was 18 and I’d never been there before and I didn’t know anyone. It was a great experience and I grew so much.

Maybe you can see it as an opportunity to visit her and have a holiday in Canada?

Plus employers in any sector will die for that sort of initiative and go-getter attitude

My sister in law did this, she is now a permanent resident and has a high level management role over there. She frequently reminds us how it is the best thing she has ever done and would recommend it to anyone.
She started in hospitality in Whistler too!

You need to get your DH to nip his nonsense in the bud right now, or else she won't come back - by which I mean, she'll come back to the UK but she definitely won't come back to her home town. Don't piss on her chips.

My mother, who I love dearly, talked me out of doing something similar when I was 18. 30 years on, I still harbour some low level resentment towards her, as I have always had in the back of my mind, "What if ...?". Please don't allow your husband's fears and neuroses stand in the way of your daughter's adventuring spirit.

*to stand

Your fears are based on your own experiences.
It's a great thing to do. I did back packing around Asia in early 20's and along with university it was the best thing I ever did.

Encourage her.

I have only read your posts, OP, so forgive me for bypassing most of the thread, but how brilliant!
I'm from California and I would travel up to Vancouver because my aunt lived there. Whistler is amazing. Canada is just a great, great country.
I left home at 18 and lived in Tokyo for 6 months. I came from Smalltown, USA, and couldn't boil an egg- could hardly wipe my own arse, truth be told. Leaving home to live abroad was the making of me. I also made plenty of mistakes... mistakes I would have made even if I'd stayed is Smalltown, USA and lived 5 minutes away from my parents. So... life is going to throw you curveballs and brilliant opportunities wherever you are. May as well be Canada!
Good luck to your DD. Go out and visit her! You'll love Canada...you'll love Vancouver!

I’d be gutted if my son didn’t do this I went to NY as a nanny at 18 then travelled India Australia and SE Asia at 19 for 2 years when else can you do this freedom you’ve given her wings to fly. My mum was right behind me I was lucky she even encouraged me to go to art college when I wanted to stay at home with my bf - thank god I did

I wanted to add, OP that after Tokyo, I lived in Italy... and ended up here in the UK.

It's totally normal to have the worries you have, you're her mum!

But also it's totally unreasonable to pass them on to her. (But I can see you know this!)

Your DD sounds amazingly together for someone her age. I have no doubt she'll have an amazing experience. The world is her oyster, let her embrace it! I'm sure she'll make you proud.

Your DH is being totally unreasonable. I hope he comes round.

All these people telling you not to worry wouldn't be breezy if it were their own teenager moving across the planet. They'd be shitting themselves too.

This IS true... and I do shit myself every time my own DS(19) gets on a plane to see the family in California by himself. And that's a nice, soft, easy landing... still, I am nervous! But we also have the adult minds, hearts, and experiences of our own to know that deep down, the pros of travel/working abroad for a while definitely outweigh the cons.