To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

@CecilieRose

Obviously I’m one of those people who never left myself as I said in my OP, but I know what you mean.

Folk tend to go on holidays abroad to Spain and that’s that, that’s all they explore of the world. Forget seeing other parts of the U.K. and going somewhere like Canada is just utterly unthinkable. I’m going to take DD’s moving to Canada as an opportunity for me to see it at some point.

I did the working visa thing in Canada at 20 (I did go with a friend) and we had a fantastic time. Also went backpacking in Africa and that was amazing too. Another friend is just back from a hospitality placement in Canada and absolutely loved it. Obviously worrying about your children is normal but it is a great experience.

Honestly OP I think if it works out she'll be fine and if it doesn't she'll also be fine!

I nannied in Canada at 17. It was actually a pretty awful experience (although I got to spend Xmas skiing with cousins!). But I came back to the UK a very different and more confident person.

The following Autumn my parents packaged me off to finishing school secretarial college in London. Surrounded by debutantes I had absolutely nothing in common with I also hated it, but it again increased my resilience and confidence no end!

Because of these experiences I've often said to my late teens that, at that age, life's little disappointments typically grow you and really make you the adult person you are now.

I don't think you need to worry too much. Youngsters are like Teflon!

I'm from Canada and a bunch of my friends went to Australia on this type of visa. In Canada, our ski hills are all run by young Aussies... You'd think you were in Australia when you're out there. It's a wonderful experience for a young person.

Your husband sounds like my sister’s husband. He’s killed her career because he couldn’t envisage moving for work. Now she does a junior job at his workplace (she has a science PhD). It’s infuriating. Please don’t let him do this to your daughter.

I moved abroad at 16 for the first time alone and never moved back. Moving abroad was an absolute life changer for me and it opened up so many doors I never would have imagined would ever open for me. I am so so grateful I have been able to live and work in a big amount of different countries, learn different languages, adapt to different cultures and make friends from all over the world.

I left at 16 completely lost, shy and utterly depressed and now a decade later, i have found myself/my strengths, learned excellent skills and now have a pretty good international career. The decision to move abroad at 16 was the making of me and I would do it 100 times again without hesitation.

Support your daughter. You have no idea what doors may open for her thanks to it.
My family sure didn’t and I think they feel a bit sheepish for being nay-sayers and trying to hold me and my projects back knowing where I have actually ended.

I just wanted to say that your DD sounds brilliant. I can’t believe she’s been planning this for two years! But it’s a great indication of how motivated she is, and that she’s willing to take responsibility for her life.

It might be an idea to look up the last part of Roald Dahl’s book ‘Boy’. He writes about how he was offered a job in Africa and, full of excitement, told his mother. He and his mother were very close, and of course at the time a trip to Africa would have been much more than a few hours on a plane. But her response was to say, ‘That’s wonderful, darling!’ He realised in retrospect how difficult that must have been for her, but at the time he was just so pleased to have her support, and it gave him the courage to go on this adventure. I’ve always remembered that part of his story because I moved abroad when I was 20 and basically haven’t been home since for any real length of time. My dad has always been so supportive and happy to do whatever he can to help me, even though I’m sure he much rather have his daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren much closer (especially his son-in-law: he adores my husband). It’s part of why we still have such a good relationship, regardless of distance. I hope I can support my children in the same way if they choose a similar path.

Sounds an amazing opportunity and Canada sounds like a wonderful place to live. I actually wish I'd done the same at her age instead of moving to an eu holiday resort. Well done to your dd for being so on the ball in general and doing all the research

As she will be responsible for herself, she needs a crash course in personal safety drills for all scenarios. unpleasant as this is, start with the Suzy Lamplugh trust and then websites for travellers. There are probably courses she can attend on personal safety and self-defence too.

I'd say this advice would be as important to dd if she were to stay in her backwater town full of closed minded, frustrated and bored inhabitants or move the local university city. UK isn't exactly the safest pancetta for young women as is sadly seen tine and time again in the news (and plenty not reported too)

@Redrosesandsunsets while that's incredibly sad and shocking, it's very unlikely to affect OP's DD's experience

OP It might interest you to know that I dropped out of high school at 15 because I just couldn't handle study, felt stupid, got into trouble, all the wrong boys blah blah.

At about 16 I got a job as an office junior, saved up.

Went to work in an American summer camp (similar to what you are describing), got a taste for travel.

Travelled the world on a wish and a prayer once I was old enough (and did all sorts of things my parents never need to know about ), working all over the place, worked my way up to Practice Manager in a large international law firm.

Did a law degree in my 30s and am now a well paid Government lawyer. There is no way I would have been able to study like I did in my teens/20s.

I now live quite a dull life in the suburbs, in a standard house, with two children BUT it is most satisfying to have had those adventures. My eldest is now approaching 18 and I hope that with the pandemic appearing to move to a different phase he will get to do a bit of travelling like I (and my eventual partner) did.

Your DH needs to understand that he won't clip her wings. What he will do is make her leave him behind in more than just the physical sense.

Have you really never heard of this!? Very very common to Canada, Australia and New Zealand, most don't even go as structured as her just turn up and get a job. Brilliant adventure, anyone I know who did ski seasons in Canada loved it.

Having read what you said about your husband (how old is, his attitudes are very 1950s!) I'm not surprised your daughter wants to leave, I would very quickly get used to the idea she will never live in your town again, poor girl sounds awful! Good on her for getting out!

She should have said she planned to go to Africa or South America then compromised with you on Canada. Then you’d have felt much better 😂. I actually did something similar with my parents. I was sure I was going to travel South America solo at 17 but ended up in Europe.

That's so true Mimi

She should have said she planned to go to Africa or South America then compromised with you on Canada. Then you’d have felt much better 😂. I actually did something similar with my parents. I was sure I was going to travel South America solo at 17 but ended up in Europe.

That made me laugh as I remember telling my own DPs I was thinking of backpacking Africa solo at 17, so they'd not make a fuss about France instead

@AuntieMarys

I'd love to know where you live OP. 😀 Your DH sounds like men who work with mine....never set foot outside their town , can't understand people who have aspiration or education. Good luck to your DD...I hope she never returns to live near such small minded people

I feel a bit sorry for the DH - I think culture is mining towns has always been ‘with each other/looking out for each other’ and with the closing of the mines it was an attack on whole communities and a way of life. It’s not hard to see why people are mistrustful of the outside world and why it might be hard to see why your DD would want to leave your community.

OP you’ve done a stellar job of raising your DD. Sensible and ambitious and despite leaving education early has thrived.

I’m going to take DD’s moving to Canada as an opportunity for me to see it at some point.

This is really great, OP. Good for you.

I’m going to take DD’s moving to Canada as an opportunity for me to see it at some point. [OP]

There's more to the situation than this. A quick bit of maths suggests that the OP is still only in her early 40's, so potentially she has at least half of her life still ahead of her. Perhaps her daughter's trip and ambitions will provide her with the inspiration to take a leap into the great wide world outside of her small town now that the children have flown from the nest.

OP you’ve done a stellar job of raising your DD. Sensible and ambitious and despite leaving education early has thrived.

^ This - although I'd say that leaving school at 16 or whenever is not the same as 'leaving education.' 'Education' can continue under different circumstances and in different ways to just the traditional and formal 12 years at school, and at different times of life. See the post from @IGotAVaxAndILikedIt above. Perhaps even something that the OP herself could consider - after she's finished watching 'Shirley Valentine'.

@IGotAVaxAndILikedIt

I'm in awe of your story, kudos to you!

I am similar in that I left school at 15 but I'm (probably) a lot older than you and all my DF wanted for me was to have some little job somewhere until I married a 'suitable' man.

I kicked back and left home when I was just 17, lived in shitholes in a town, worked my way up career wise, the flats got better, then I bought one, and basically had a blast.

I never did the abroad adventure by oh my goodness, my DCs have. Inter-railing round Europe, doing the backpacking trail and then eventually having working stints in Sao Paulo Brazil and Taiwan.

You can do no more for children than letting them fly, whilst being the cushion at home whilst they do.

I would never ever want to hold my DCs back. Occasionally I've had a WTAF moment with them when one of them wants to do some harebrained thing... but on the whole they've LIVED.

@MiddayMass

God, this girl bloody amazes me sometimes. She’s back from work and I just asked (in a curious way, not putting her down) “What if you love it and want to stay past the 2 years? What will you do?”

She said “Oh I’ve already looked in to all of that and know some options.”. She mentioned something about scheme (I forgot the name) she’d looked in to. Just in case she loves it and wants to stay. Something about how you don’t necessarily need to be in a skilled role for the scheme and they offer permanent residency to people willing to work in the less bustling provinces. Then she started listing all of the details like how many hours work experience she’d need, all of the technical details etc. She pointed out she might just need to do a Level 2 course at a U.K. college to cover the Canadian high school diploma equivalent requirement. I was 😮 about how much she seemed to have researched it all. Then she joked that I should stop worrying about her wanting to stay there when she hasn’t even started the Working Holiday yet because she might surprise herself and hate it Apparently she’s been planning it all for 2 years.

I’m so proud of her and actually a bit emotional. She does everything for herself and off her own back. She struggled with school, couldn’t do maths and didn’t have the attention span for English and school always made her feel like she was stupid and it was such a hard time for us as a family as she gave up. Looking back I think she’s just such an independent soul who thrives just getting on and doing things for herself.

Sorry I’m going on but I’m having such a proud mum moment. She’s decided what she wants and has just got on with it. Now the initial shock has gone from her telling me last night, I’ve realised just how amazing, self-motivated and independent she is.

I love this

What a brilliant thread. to you @MiddayMass

YABVVU. What a fantastic opportunity for her. Why shouldn't she grab life by the horns. Send her off with love and joy and your unfailing support.

@MiddayMass
This thread is just great and how fantastic you have and are taking on board other posters' experiences.
I do hope you get to visit Canada and see your DD.
And I also hope your DH comes round. It's not his place to be unhappy about her life choices, it's his place to support and help her, not quash her ambitions and hopes.

p.s. Your DD sounds fantastic! and far more organised than mine were when they went off on their adventures!

This - although I'd say that leaving school at 16 or whenever is not the same as 'leaving education.'

100% agree with this. A lot of the education I've done has been done part-time while working (I gained a masters and 3 'Chartered' professional quals this way), and I know plenty of apprentices in big firms doing similar. You're never too old to learn and develop yourself, and the traditional route is not the only way.

You daughter sounds fantastic!

Your DH sounds like an arse, but hopefully he will see that he'll lose her if he carries on.

I hope you get to go to Canada to visit next year. She sounds a super girl!