Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

585 replies

MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 02:19

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 15/11/2021 20:43

A Christmas in in a ski lodge in Canada sounds bloody gorgeous a

I had Christmas in Vancouver, I was back packing for a year, went onto Banff and worked after for a while in a lodge for skiing

travelling at 20 is great fun

BFCfairy · 15/11/2021 20:46

Yanbu to worry for your child but yabu to not want her to go. Sounds like a great experience and currently with a year out and world travel not possible sounds like a fab option

Maulstick · 15/11/2021 20:48

@MiddayMass

I think it’s hard for people not from a town such as mine to grasp just how bloody insular it can be. DH’s attitude certainly isn’t unusual, and I can see other male relatives having the same reaction.

It’s a case of being personally offended that somebody dares want to leave, especially a girl. The audacity Hmm. Anybody from the town who strives for better gets a “Who do they bloody think they are?” attitude.

It’s not unique to ex-mining towns. I’m not British, and grew up surrounded by a similar attitude — leave school at fifteen, it’s safer, don’t let yourself want anything, education/travel are not for the likes of us, only rich people have passports, don’t get above yourself, university’s all right for rich kids, settle down local, never stand out from the crowd, never show you want something or you’ll be disappointed etc etc.

You’re doing the right thing, OP. I had to fight my parents every step of the way to stay on at school till seventeen and do A-Level equivalents, sit university entrance scholarship exams, and they were mortified at how well I did and still tried to dissuade me from going to university.

I would have given years off my life to have even one relative who was even neutral, if not actively encouraging. Irish

CiaoEB · 15/11/2021 21:41

@MiddayMass

I think it’s hard for people not from a town such as mine to grasp just how bloody insular it can be. DH’s attitude certainly isn’t unusual, and I can see other male relatives having the same reaction.

It’s a case of being personally offended that somebody dares want to leave, especially a girl. The audacity Hmm. Anybody from the town who strives for better gets a “Who do they bloody think they are?” attitude.

Omg I really felt this. I grew up in a rural town and often people are furious when others leave and make new lives for themselves outside. I think part of it is jealousy, it’s not fair they got to do all those things when I didn’t, and part of it is feeling uncomfortable, thinking they’ll have to examine their own motives and reasons for why they didn’t try something different themselves. Thank god your daughter has you backing her. I would keep building her up the way you are and tell her that people have their own negative reactions depending on their own experiences but don’t let it stop her or put her off.
tcjotm · 15/11/2021 21:45

@MiddayMass

Hell, even I get caught up in that attitude sometimes. My first post on this thread shows it. But at least I was able to warm to the idea. I’m really glad I made this thread as it’s been brilliant to read other’s experiences.
You sound like a great mum. You’re understandably scared but you’ve benefited from other people’s experiences to embrace it. Her dad is probably also scared but has to realise that she’ll go any way and better she does on good terms with him.
PickupaPenguin8 · 15/11/2021 21:51

I’m quite shocked to hear about the small town attitudes described here. However I can understand how they originated. In the days when there were no opportunities for WC people, it was best not to hope for too much or want what you could never have. So an attitude of ‘it’s not for you, accept it’, would avoid disappointment and feelings of frustration.
I was told of a great Uncle who could name every flower by its Latin name. He won a scholarship to Grammar school but couldn’t afford to take it as his family needed his wage and could t afford the uniform etc. He also taught himself to play the piano. His family could t afford lessons. MIL left school at 14 to work in a shop. She was very bright but no one dreamed that she might stay on at school or go Uni.
My father was bitter all his life that his father wouldn’t pay for a Commission for him in the Army. His fathers view was that that was for ‘toffs’ and he ought to know his place.
Very sad. Thank God there are more opportunities these days, especially for girls.

PickupaPenguin8 · 15/11/2021 21:52

Actually even my own father was bitter and jealous when I went to University.

Saskatcha · 15/11/2021 21:57

Canadian here. What she wants to do is very common. Worth doing some background checking on where she’s going, accommodation etc but she should be fine. Hope she has a lovely time.

Saskatcha · 15/11/2021 22:03

I think some hospitality jobs do qualify for permanent residency maybe. They certainly have done at times. I know that’s not what you’re asking though.

Original poster
MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 22:25

God, this girl bloody amazes me sometimes. She’s back from work and I just asked (in a curious way, not putting her down) “What if you love it and want to stay past the 2 years? What will you do?”

She said “Oh I’ve already looked in to all of that and know some options.”. She mentioned something about scheme (I forgot the name) she’d looked in to. Just in case she loves it and wants to stay. Something about how you don’t necessarily need to be in a skilled role for the scheme and they offer permanent residency to people willing to work in the less bustling provinces. Then she started listing all of the details like how many hours work experience she’d need, all of the technical details etc. She pointed out she might just need to do a Level 2 course at a U.K. college to cover the Canadian high school diploma equivalent requirement. I was 😮 about how much she seemed to have researched it all. Then she joked that I should stop worrying about her wanting to stay there when she hasn’t even started the Working Holiday yet because she might surprise herself and hate it Grin Apparently she’s been planning it all for 2 years.

I’m so proud of her and actually a bit emotional. She does everything for herself and off her own back. She struggled with school, couldn’t do maths and didn’t have the attention span for English and school always made her feel like she was stupid and it was such a hard time for us as a family as she gave up. Looking back I think she’s just such an independent soul who thrives just getting on and doing things for herself.

Sorry I’m going on but I’m having such a proud mum moment. She’s decided what she wants and has just got on with it. Now the initial shock has gone from her telling me last night, I’ve realised just how amazing, self-motivated and independent she is.

OP posts:
EdgeOfTheSky · 15/11/2021 22:28

Good for you, and good for her! Smile

Rtmhwales · 15/11/2021 22:30

I did this 15 years ago but reverse (Canada to Ireland). Was amazing.

I can confirm I am in Canada and these jobs definitely exist near me and are full of Brit's, Aussies and kiwis living their best life. Let her go and support her.

titchy · 15/11/2021 22:38

Good for her - fantastic opportunity.

You know the small mining town thing - there's probably quite a few kids like your dd that with a tiny bit of encouragement from their families would be willing to expand their horizons...

Double3xposure · 15/11/2021 22:40

@MiddayMass -what a lovely post 😀

Original poster
MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 22:41

I think DH will remain the biggest issue. Unfortunately I think he’s going to be a massive pain in the arse as he’s really upset she wants to go

OP posts:
CecilieRose · 15/11/2021 22:43

I'm glad you've come around, OP. I haven't read more than the first and latest page but it's really awful when parents who have never travelled or done much try to stop their kids branching out and moving abroad out of fear. I worked in New York for several months when I was a bit older than your daughter and also did a year abroad during uni and it was the making of me. I lived all over the world after that and had some amazing experiences I never would have had if I'd been afraid to leave home. She sounds sensible and I'm sure she'll have a brilliant time, and if it doesn't work out, she can always just come back. Better to try and fail than never try, I say!

TatianaBis · 15/11/2021 22:48

@MiddayMass

I think DH will remain the biggest issue. Unfortunately I think he’s going to be a massive pain in the arse as he’s really upset she wants to go
Tell him to get a grip and read the parenting manual: you let them go.
Notdoingthis · 15/11/2021 22:48

I think you can be very proud of your dd.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/11/2021 22:54

Sorry I’m going on but I’m having such a proud mum moment

And so you should - clearly you've raised a good 'un there, and don't forget to give yourself credit for that too Flowers

ImInStealthMode · 15/11/2021 22:55

Oh my gosh OP she'll have an absolute ball!

Well done to her for having the guts and gumption to sort it out for herself. I left home for a 'summer job' when I was 20, albeit closer to home, and it's one of the best things I ever did.

Oh to be 19 again!

ImInStealthMode · 15/11/2021 23:06

Just to follow having read some more of your posts OP, I'm from a Northern ex-mining community too where a lot of people my age are still there, still in the local pub on a Friday night, married to someone from school, doing the same jobs, never so much as met anyone from outside the nearest city.

Your girl will meet people from all over the world and open up amazing opportunities for herself (even if that's just travelling cheaply with friends to stay with across the world, as I've done over the years). She'll gain a wealth of life experience just through meeting people with a different background to her own.

Now's the time for you to stand beside her and back her up against your DH's negativity. This time next year he'll be bragging about his brilliant independent Daughter and all she's getting to experience abroad.

MissCruellaDeVil · 15/11/2021 23:10

Sounds like a great idea, one of my teacher friends has just emigrated to Dubai in a similar scheme, she is having a ball over there!

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 15/11/2021 23:22

Luckily your DH has no say in the matter.
It's brilliant! I did the same at 18 and ended up spending a few years in 4 different countries.
It will totally open up her whole world. And yours! You must be incredibly proud!

RedToothBrush · 15/11/2021 23:40

Your daughter has done her research.

Loads of 18 / 19 year olds go on working holiday visas to Australia, NZ and Canada every year.

I've done it, though I was slightly older (older than most who do it).

Its a fantastic life experience and makes you stand out as having something about you even if you didn't go to university.

In fact, when I did it the people I travelled with and got on best with were the people who hadn't gone to university and had gone to work straight out of school instead. These were people who weren't typically middle class. There were a surprising number for whom a working holiday visa was an alternative to university.

CecilieRose · 15/11/2021 23:47

@ImInStealthMode

Just to follow having read some more of your posts OP, I'm from a Northern ex-mining community too where a lot of people my age are still there, still in the local pub on a Friday night, married to someone from school, doing the same jobs, never so much as met anyone from outside the nearest city.

Your girl will meet people from all over the world and open up amazing opportunities for herself (even if that's just travelling cheaply with friends to stay with across the world, as I've done over the years). She'll gain a wealth of life experience just through meeting people with a different background to her own.

Now's the time for you to stand beside her and back her up against your DH's negativity. This time next year he'll be bragging about his brilliant independent Daughter and all she's getting to experience abroad.

I come from somewhere similar but more rural. It's really weird to go back and meet people from school and they've never lived anywhere else and are still working in the same factory they worked at when we were at school. They say things like 'I wouldn't want to live anywhere else' but how can they possibly know? They have no idea what anywhere else is like!