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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

585 replies

MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 02:19

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

OP posts:
Lasair · 15/11/2021 18:29

When is she going!?

2bazookas · 15/11/2021 18:30

Here's an idea; she goes to Canada for 2 years and you get a passport, save up, and take a trip to Canada to see her.

It would do you a world of good.

FoxtrotSkarloey · 15/11/2021 18:31

It's fantastic to see how you've warmed to the idea. It sounds like she's approaching is responsibly and it really could be the making of her. Hopefully your DH will come round.

And what's the worst that can happen? I lost my wallet on my first night in Bogotá when I was 19! And it was pre online banking and pre Internet. That was an experience Grin. But I survived.

CSJobseeker · 15/11/2021 18:31

@cavagirl Fair enough, maybe a teacher or friend?

I think it's bloody brilliant wherever she got the idea from. When I was that age, I believed so many of the myths about what a WC girl like me could/should aspire to. As an adult I've had to unlearn it all. Good for this girl for sticking two fingers up to it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/11/2021 18:33

We’re from quite an insular small town. It’s only in the past 10 years I’d say that going to uni stopped being unusual for the kids from the town. The norm here is settled with kids by 25 ... Anybody from the town who strives for better gets a “Who do they bloody think they are?” attitude

I'm sure it's a lovely place for those who enjoy living like this, but clearly your DD wants something different and I really don't blame her

Sorry, but your DH sounds pathetic, and refusing even to look at the info she has was especially spiteful. I wonder if it would help to tell him his attitude is exactly the sort of thing that's driving her to do this?

Cavagirl · 15/11/2021 18:39

@CSJobseeker completely agree. It's really sad the limitations adults can put on children/young adults simply through their expectations. This thread is a really good (live!) example of how your environment and what others say is acceptable can shape your own aspirations.

Well done OP for starting it and looking for different views. No doubt your daughter gets her curiosity from somewhere Grin

shylatte · 15/11/2021 18:43

Be happy for her OP. I come from a similar sounding insular town (although uni was the norm) and me and my siblings left at the first opportunity. Parents are still there and it's bad enough having to go back to visit them. It's great that your dd is trying to spread her wings!

PickupaPenguin8 · 15/11/2021 18:45

Your daughter sounds fantastic.

Opi2345 · 15/11/2021 18:46

I have done that. I was 19 when I arrived in the UK on my own!

MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 18:52

@Puzzledandpissedoff

It really annoyed both me and DD. If it was genuinely just a case of being worried and wanting reassurance he’d have been more than happy to look at DD’s phone when she was trying to show him it was all legit. She showed me some stuff this morning it reassured me.

It does still come from a place of worry, but he’s actively trying to put her off and sabotage it for her. He doesn’t actually want reassurance, because that would mean accepting her going.

OP posts:
Clymene · 15/11/2021 18:53

I would tell your husband that she's going with his blessing or without. But she'll go whatever.

You've read loads of posts on this thread of schisms after parents didn't support their children spreading their wings. Don't let that be your story.

CouldThisReallyBe · 15/11/2021 18:55

I did this at 22. She'll have an absolutely brilliant time and it really is the university of life. But I must warn you OP, I "went for a year" and never returned (I wasn't born in the UK). If I were you I'd start to research Canada and make sure your passport is up to date.

SarahBellam · 15/11/2021 18:55

Well done for coming round. I’m sure your DH will in time. OP, I worked abroad for a few summers and loved every single second of it. It really is transformative in terms of confidence, excitement, motivation, broadening horizons, etc. and I hope that when my DD is a bit older she’ll have the confidence your DD has to go and do something life changing. It will be a great experience for her, and you when you get to see her out there.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/11/2021 19:00

He doesn’t actually want reassurance, because that would mean accepting her going

I believe you, MiddayMass, but the thing is that he can't actually stop her going, so she either leaves with his support or he creates a nasty taste around the whole thing which is unlikely to be forgotten

Another danger here is that her DF's attitude could even put her off relaying any small difficulties to you, for fear of his "I told you so!!"

I also get a certain amount of worry about the trip - after all you're mum and dad Smile - but since his reaction's so extreme, are you quite sure credibility with his friends doesn't come into it?

TuftyMarmoset · 15/11/2021 19:02

Haven’t RTFT so not sure if anyone’s mentioned it but you can get travel insurance designed for gap years so that might be something worth looking into to put your mind at ease. And might reassure your DH as well?

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/11/2021 19:08

All she can do is accept her dad is against it out of fear I imagine because it’s so alien to your lives and crack on. I can understand the fear.

She sounds great, I wish I’d had her confidence at 19.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 15/11/2021 19:20

Good for you, OP, both for coming round to the idea AND supporting your DD!

How do you think your DH will react when she a) goes anyway despite his attitude and b) makes a go of it?

On the upside, if I was your DD I'd be damned sure I made a go of it, even if I got cold feet/homesick to start with, just to spite him Grin

Iflyaway · 15/11/2021 19:26

I'd be having kittens if she said she wanted to go backpacking in Africa

I've been backpacking in Africa several times and only met wonderful kind hospitable people and had amazing experiences.

Let her go! (Not that you can stop her!). Give her your blessing.

It will be the making of her.

Lasair · 15/11/2021 19:51

It blows my mind that he doesn’t think her going is a good idea. Why does he think it’s better she works in a limited career in her hometown? She’s only 19! Far too you g to just be on the working/coming home merrygoround!

TidyOmlette · 15/11/2021 19:58

Sounds fantastic. I did something similar when I was 17 and it was fantastic. Now as a parent I understand the worry and fear but she’s grown adult and needs to do what makes her happy.

Why not go through it with her? Have a look at the agency and you might feel better about it. Please do not try and put her off it

Sparklybanana · 15/11/2021 20:13

It is her right to go off and do something completely different to the rest of her life and your job as a mum to worry completely about all of it. I remember my mum crying as she walked away after dropping me off for my flight to the middle of nowhere. I know she must have been really worried but back then I just thought she was being 'mum'. I'm glad she didnt stop me, I'm glad I did it. I'm not sure I would now! I'm far less brave now

ImmyMc · 15/11/2021 20:16

@smoko

Also "I've never left my hometown or travelled"

I find that quite sad & a small life. Well done for your daughter wanting more for herself & not just following the path you've expected of her.

She sounds like a smart, hardworking & independent person.

No need to be such a dick to the OP. There's nothing wrong with staying in your hometown at all, just as there's nothing wrong with travelling. You're being horrible.
CreepingDeath · 15/11/2021 20:19

She'll have a brilliant time, I went to NZ on my own at 19 and met loads of great people. I know it probably seems daunting her going so far away, but you can keep in touch easily with her because of phones and email.

Thousands of young people do the working holiday visas every year, and Canada is not an unsafe country.

CSJobseeker · 15/11/2021 20:39

[quote MiddayMass]@Puzzledandpissedoff

It really annoyed both me and DD. If it was genuinely just a case of being worried and wanting reassurance he’d have been more than happy to look at DD’s phone when she was trying to show him it was all legit. She showed me some stuff this morning it reassured me.

It does still come from a place of worry, but he’s actively trying to put her off and sabotage it for her. He doesn’t actually want reassurance, because that would mean accepting her going.[/quote]
If it was primarily due to worry, he'd have wanted to look at the information.

What it actually is, is that he's threatened by her. He sees her wanting to leave as an implicit criticism of his life and his achievements. Anything she does that goes beyond his experience will be seen as threatening for that reason.

DuesToTheDirt · 15/11/2021 20:41

DH can’t. I think he’s going to be a pain in the arse with it and I’ll have to try and nip it in the bud.

Sorry, but with a dad like that I'd want to emigrate too!