To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

You aren't coming across well OP. Some of your comments and wires still your Dh's are horrific. Or do you really think that?

You were pregnant at 19, but surely you know that life has changed in the last 20 years.

I went travelling for a year after school pre Uni, and that was nearly 20 years ago. Makes me so sad that you wouldn't encourage your dd to do the same.

I would actively encourage this.

I always ask myself “WWFD?” What Would Frances Do? She was my Great Grandmother. She hated the social system for women and how it was designed to keep us stifled at all costs.

She owned multiple corner shops and was 30 before she started dating my Great Grandfather. She encouraged my wildness, my day dreaming, my studies, my stubbornness - particularly the last one as that would take me very far when people (cough men cough) disagreed with me. For some reason, this attitude was passed down to her son, my Grandfather, but it skipped my Dad and his brother.

Perhaps she spent a lot of time with me because I was the first girl born for 2 generations.

In any case, it resulted in me not giving two fucks what anyone who had never stepped foot out of my insular town thought.

Hell, even I get caught up in that attitude sometimes. My first post on this thread shows it. But at least I was able to warm to the idea. I’m really glad I made this thread as it’s been brilliant to read other’s experiences.

Your OH sounds awful. I feel really sorry for your daughter.

OP do you know where she originally got the idea from?

I should add my daughter went travelling for five months in her early twenties. I was really worried. However she had a wonderful time and a great experience. Your daughter is going to Canada where she has a job . Much less risky. I went to Canada for two weeks to visit relatives at 21. I was desperate to stay and would have given my right arm to do so. She’s lucky.

ObnoxiousF I am liking the sound of your Grandmother Frances very much

I was in Canada just before the pandemic, up in The Yukon, went into restaurant and our waiter was from my home town . These organised working holidays in Canada are definitely A Thing. My waiter and his mates were having the time of their lives apparently.

I think there’s a big difference between being a genuine concerned parent, daunted at the thought of your child leaving (which describes me) and being a twat about it like DH. I wouldn’t dream of trying to stop her or talk her out of it, it’s natural for a parent to be concerned. Whereas DH is going beyond that. He’s acting like she’s incapable of doing anything at all, I can see why she’s hurt. He’s offended by it and thinks it’s all a laughable daft idea.

@Roussette she was fucking amazing. She was very much ahead of her time and an “I will increase doing the things that men do not like” kinda woman.

Is your DH perhaps a bit jealous that your DD has the gumption to do something and he never did?

She sounds really amazing! I had the complete opposite of what your Granny Frances was

OP you need to stop him in his tracks with this. It's so so unfair on your DD. She has dreams and hopes, he has no right to quash those.

I was beyond worried about my DD when she went off younger than your DD but I knew I had to let her go

I haven’t read the whole thread but I’m so jealous of your DD she will have an AMAZING time!! I spent some time living and skiing in Canada and it was incredible. She will be the envy of all of her friends.

Are you from Barnsley OP? My daughter went on a round the world trip on her own at that age, scary for me but she got so much out of it. Also, never went back to Barnsley, it was suffocating her

Bloody fantastic, hope she has a great time.

I’d really hate for her to leave with her on bad terms with DH. She says she’d love us to come and spend a Christmas out there with her when she’s settled using the staff family discount and even said if we were struggling with money to come she’d try and help (I could never take her up on that, so lovely of her to offer though. I’m going to try and save myself).

DH is being such a twat.

I left my country at 18 to come to England. Best thing I ever did. Good luck to your daughter!

I was talked out of an opportunity to volunteer abroad when I was 18. My family didn't want me to go. I was told it would be too far away, not safe, I wouldn't be able to afford it, I needed to concentrate on uni and studying etc. I gave up on the idea and it is still one of my big regrets in life. The others who went had an amazing time. I'd say as long as it's properly planned and there is a way to get home immediately if need be it's a great idea.

@MiddayMass

I’d really hate for her to leave with her on bad terms with DH. She says she’d love us to come and spend a Christmas out there with her when she’s settled using the staff family discount and even said if we were struggling with money to come she’d try and help (I could never take her up on that, so lovely of her to offer though. I’m going to try and save myself).

DH is being such a twat.

That’s a great plan. And even better if your husband doesn’t go - that’s less money you need to save.

You will have an amazing time in Canada at Christmas. Maybe learn to ski or snowboard ?

You need to start living a bit my dear OP, you write like you are 75 but you must only be 38 😯

@Cavagirl

OP do you know where she originally got the idea from?

Does it matter? She's 19, she wants to travel and see the world, it's not weird!

@Double3xposure

I wish! I’m almost 50 Had DS at 19, 11 year gap then DD. You definitely have a point though. I’ve only ever been abroad to all-inclusive resorts in Benidorm. A Christmas in in a ski lodge in Canada sounds bloody gorgeous and I’m really motivated to get saving now. I’ll be kicking myself if I don’t start now and don’t get the opportunity to go and see DD out there.

I worked as a chambermaid in Switzerland for a bit as a teenager. Amazing experience and your daughter doesn't even have to use a different language. If she's done her research (and it sounds like it) then talk to her about it; she sounds really keen and like a very sensible young woman. Be proud of yourself for raising her!

@CSJobseeker if you've followed the thread you'll see I've been extremely positive throughout, of course it's not weird. My train of thought was, given what OP had said about the small town scenario and this being unusual for their background, I was wondering if she'd had some encouragement from a friend, other family member or somewhere else that's opened her eyes to the wider possibilities and opportunities that she might not otherwise had seen. A bit like PP referring to her great grandmother pushing her to aspire and not simply accept her lot. If such a relationship exists for OP's daughter it should definitely be encouraged. Something or someone has opened her mind to a life beyond the false boundaries others have set for her which is brilliant.

Canada is a fab place to visit. Really friendly people, lovely country.