To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

@MiddayMass I’m from a small ex mining town too and can sympathise with you re DHs attitude. It’s very common where I’m from - me going to Uni aged 32 (I’m now 35) caused a big stink with people I knew and I was baffled by it. My Dad thought I was being a dickhead, above my station and thinking I’m better than them

I’ve never travelled as such, but I do live in a big city now with my 3DDs as a lone parent, mostly in order to expand their horizons and for my degree. ExDP is from the city, has travelled extensively and I would have to look to him if our DDs wanted to do this (and they probably will because I will encourage it!) as I’d be clueless and a tad worried about them being scammed too.

@IntermittentParps DD lost her patience a bit and pulled up the Bunac page and the official Canadian government page to show her visa application on her phone to show DH and he wouldn’t look.

@MiddayMass

He refuses to believe the job is real, refuses to believe the visa is real, refuses to believe the girls she’s socialising with online and plans to meet up with in Canada are real.

DD gone to work now but she said to me “Why does he think I’m stupid?” and isn’t happy. He’s a decent bloke but is stubborn and stuck in his ways and a teeny bit misogynistic I’ve come to realise. I questioned whether he’d be the same if it was DS wanting to go (not his biological son but he’s raised him and everybody considers them father and son) and he said it’s different. It all does come from a place of loving her to bits and being concerned but I don’t like his attitude one bit.

Anyway I’ve come round to it now thanks to this thread and am going to start saving. A bit for an emergency flight back for her if something happens and she loses her money and hopefully a bit for us to go and visit at some point. She says she’d love us to visit once she’s settled and that the ski resort has family discounts.

Again, good for you, OP. It's great to see someone taking on an idea they were originally opposed to, and seeing it as a potentially good thing. Her father is only going to lose her by pooh-poohing her plans?

Can you not just suggest he Googles? Even a glance at this

bunac.org/working-holidays/canada/work-canada/find-out-more/ski-resorts

will give him a lot of information, and hopefully stop him behaving as though his daughter is about to be snatched for the slave trade or something, because she's being played by Evil Nigerian Scammers pretending to be Canadian work-holiday visa arrangers, or whatever he's imagining.

@ObnoxiousFeminist.

I think it’s a bit of that with DH. He was going on about ‘It’s them spoilt middle class kids who go travelling, not folk like us.”

Good for you OP!

Your DH's refusal to listen is an indicator that he just doesn't want her to go. Don't let him clip her wings - young people should be free to get out and experience the world.

I think it's quite natural to be concerned about it - there is a lot that could go wrong, and sometimes you can sense if something would not be right for your child.
However - if this is the opportunity it seems (and such opportunities do exist!) then from your own description it appears to be right for her. And even if it is not I am sure there is no obligation to stay the whole two years!

I think you (deliberately) missed my point. The UK doesn’t boast ski resorts in the way that Canada or the US or the Alps do. The context of someone wanting to work in hospitality abroad on a visa in a completely new environment is not the same as someone wanting to undertake some technical climbing and going to Scotland to do so.

Also, DBro has worked and lived in

• Greece
• Sweden
• Italy

And I’ve been able to watch, in equal amounts of terror, jealousy, awe and pride.

For what it’s worth I’m not saying I don’t think my DD is capable of being able to stay in Canada at all. I’m just not sure how plausible it is as an unskilled worker?

Another one here who spent two winter seasons in Whistler. It was amazing. Everyone arrives as an "unskilled worker" (unless they already have proper chef or instructor qualifications) and everyone gets on with it, doing whatever job they've applied for - liftie, retail, catering and service, ticket sales, guest services, housekeeping etc. There are opportunities for staff to do in-house training. In a place like Whistler, a few thousand young people from all over the world get to work and spend time together and learn new skills and gain in confidence and independence. The seasonal workers come from all over the globe - not just from UK/IRE/AUS/NZ and elsewhere in Europe, but also Japan and Korea for the Asian guests, and Chile/Argentina/Brazil for the South American guests.

Just to give an idea, the number of seasonal workers in Whistler is well over 12,000 and if working for the resort company, most people live in "House" - i.e. in the many workers' accommodation blocks that are a bit like university halls of residence.

And you get paid ...! Why on Earth would someone not take this opportunity to see the world if the opportunity arose?

That 'not for the likes of us' mentality can be really damaging. It squashes peoples aspirations and dreams for their future. Your daughter will have to work hard whatever she decides to do (as did I, from a solid WC background), but that doesn't mean she shouldn't have the chance to try.

@Szyz2020

I think you (deliberately) missed my point. The UK doesn’t boast ski resorts in the way that Canada or the US or the Alps do. The context of someone wanting to work in hospitality abroad on a visa in a completely new environment is not the same as someone wanting to undertake some technical climbing and going to Scotland to do so.

Sorry that was @CSJobseeker not the OP.

Sorry, hit send too soon

DBro and his travelling also caused issues, although not as many as me going to Uni Lots of low key misogyny here too.

Now I’m going for my Masters, it’s the same shit all over again. They don’t understand the University system at all, despite me explaining it multiple times.

Oddly, my Grandparents are the ones who encouraged both me and DBro to get the fuck out of there and do whatever we wanted. They had their children young, but travelled extensively from their mid 30s and still do now, in their mid 70s.

[quote MiddayMass]@IntermittentParps DD lost her patience a bit and pulled up the Bunac page and the official Canadian government page to show her visa application on her phone to show DH and he wouldn’t look.[/quote]
Because he'd lose the argument if he did.
I know he's your husband and all, but honestly he needs a kick up the arse/a good shake!

[quote MiddayMass]@ObnoxiousFeminist.

I think it’s a bit of that with DH. He was going on about ‘It’s them spoilt middle class kids who go travelling, not folk like us.” [/quote]

Does he not have any aspirations for her?
Does he believe her only potential in life is to repeat his?
What about opportunity, dreams, imagination and belief?
Does he not want her to better herself?
Does he not believe he can?

Well done OP, it sounds like half the reason your DD has the gumption to go for it is thanks to your influence!

*does he not believe she can

Your daughter doesn’t need his permission. She’ll just stop telling him about it.

[quote MiddayMass]@ObnoxiousFeminist.

I think it’s a bit of that with DH. He was going on about ‘It’s them spoilt middle class kids who go travelling, not folk like us.” [/quote]
What does he think the majority of immigrants are? Working class people who looked abroad for work...

@IntermittentParps DD lost her patience a bit and pulled up the Bunac page and the official Canadian government page to show her visa application on her phone to show DH and he wouldn’t look.

Wow, and which one of them is the teenager? I really hope your dd doesn't let her father hold her back. It sounds like an amazing opportunity. Most parents want their dc to have better opportunities than they did, not to knock them down and stifle their ambitions.

I think it’s hard for people not from a town such as mine to grasp just how bloody insular it can be. DH’s attitude certainly isn’t unusual, and I can see other male relatives having the same reaction.

It’s a case of being personally offended that somebody dares want to leave, especially a girl. The audacity . Anybody from the town who strives for better gets a “Who do they bloody think they are?” attitude.

Honestly, it’s a very common attitude in ex mining towns. None of my female friends understood why I’d want to study full time and have my DC in day care/wrap around care - why had I had them if I wasn’t going to raise them all the way to 18 as a SAHM?

I’m convinced it’s to keep women as domestic slaves to their husbands and DCs.

@MiddayMass

I think it’s hard for people not from a town such as mine to grasp just how bloody insular it can be. DH’s attitude certainly isn’t unusual, and I can see other male relatives having the same reaction.

It’s a case of being personally offended that somebody dares want to leave, especially a girl. The audacity . Anybody from the town who strives for better gets a “Who do they bloody think they are?” attitude.

Grim.

Good for her that she's getting away from all this nonsense.

Please suggest to her that she also looks at working on yachts as I mentioned above - something to try after Whistler if she likes travelling.

[quote MiddayMass]@ObnoxiousFeminist.

I think it’s a bit of that with DH. He was going on about ‘It’s them spoilt middle class kids who go travelling, not folk like us.” [/quote]
That makes me so cross for your DD! It is the worst sort of chip-on-shoulder reverse snobbery out there. Her own Dad is literally saying that his DD isn’t good enough to go and do something she’s perfectly capable of doing. And the view “not good enough” is only held by him. Most people who consider themselves middle class won’t think like this!
He’s just decided that a group of people all act in a certain way and your DD has to be in another group of people who all act in another way.

Talk about limiting your options and expectations!! He can do it for himself but don’t you dare let him do it to her. Not looking at her phone to see the evidence for himself is ludicrous too.

@ObnoxiousFeminist.

I think another big issue with ex-mining towns is that everybody is still bitter from how our towns got fucked over (mind my language). It created an attitude of “We don’t get anything, nobody in our town has opportunities or is successful, we’re all destined to be poor and depressed” and it’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy. So when somebody takes the bull by the horns and makes plans to get out themselves and find opportunities, people don’t like it.

I did the BUNAC Canada work visa thing for a year when I was 22, it was amazing and it made me a more confident independent person. I'm now 40 married with a toddler, and was definitely not a rich kid!! I got a job and a flat share sorted within a few weeks and it was literally one of the best years of my life!

Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of rich kids there, but they mostly did thd travelling thing, not the working thing. I did 5 months working in one big city, then moved to another big city to do the same job as my bosses loved me/my accent, then travelled for 2 months. It was fab!

She'll have an amazing time and Canada is a relatively safe country to travel in compared to Africa, Thailand and the like.

@MiddayMass

I think it’s hard for people not from a town such as mine to grasp just how bloody insular it can be. DH’s attitude certainly isn’t unusual, and I can see other male relatives having the same reaction.

It’s a case of being personally offended that somebody dares want to leave, especially a girl. The audacity . Anybody from the town who strives for better gets a “Who do they bloody think they are?” attitude.

I totally get it. I grew up quite some time ago but my mother and, to a lesser extent, other relatives had this attitude. I was academic and wanted to do A levels and then go to uni, and got 'Who do you think you are?'/'you've got ideas above your station'/'education isn't for the likes of us' from my mother. We are a working-class family and I grew up with money struggles, but by the time I was A level age things weren't so bad (and there were still uni grants and no fees); I think my mother just had that attitude of being poor and the lowest of the low ingrained.

I hear you, OP.