To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

I'm Irish & it's always been really common for Irish kids to head off for a year doing bar work or whatever pre or post-uni. Back in my yoof they all went to Australia so Canada actually feels pretty 'near' .

Sounds as if she has thought things through, btw, but you could also give her the tip of working out in advance where she can quickly get a mobile phone SIM card with a cheap data package, e.g. as soon as she gets off the airport bus. And/or possibly a cheap international package on her normal card for the first week.

Also make sure she has your number written down somewhere in case the phone is stolen/broken. My son's phone fell in a waterfall and he lost all his numbers. (He did manage to sort that out on his own too, but it was a bit of a PITA!)

Nrtft

I think it's fantastic, I want my DDs to do things like this. I think the difference is I packed my bags at 19 and moved from my northern town to London then at 23 decided I needed a complete change if countries and bought a 1 way ticket to Australia, I never actually made it there though as I fell in love with New Zealand on the way and ended up staying there.

I had a friend who did similar to your DD, the only difference was she went to uni first and she did know others who had made the move to Canada. She worked in hospitality to pay her way. She was an avid snowboarder and did it so she could do lots of snowboarding.

I suppose the best thing you can do is do your own checking everything is ligit and make plans to visit her not long after she arrives to make sure she's settled.

I think she's very brave and you should be proud she's confident enough to do something like this on her own.

I went to work in France as an au pair aged 17 (for total strangers; the pregnant (ill) mother was in hospital throughout so I had sole charge of 3 kids) Meant to be for 6 weeks during school hols. The baby arrived late and unwell, mother still in hospital with him so I was asked to stay on for another month. I did. Very late back at school, I was hauled in to head teachers office for a row. Armed with my new independence, maturity and self confidence I explained the situation in perfectly fluent French with my new and lovely Parisian accent. The HT's face was a picture. She stuttered "Well done" and that was it.

My kids went off to work at real jobs ,across the world alone at age 18 as soon as they left school. The experience, maturity and personal benefits of such an adventure are HUGE and lifelong and I thoroughly recommend it. She''ll have a great time in a safe civilised country.

Let her fly the nest. She's ready.

@CoveredInSnow

Is that really the future you wanted for her?...Your description of your DH's attitude to this is awful tbh. Poor girl, with her dad guilt tripping her for wanting to go out into the world and live her life. A dad who thinks she should settle for a small life just because he did.

Quite, and I feel rather sorry for your daughter. I would say "Imagine having a parent who was happy with their small world and resented you wanting more from life" but actually I don't need to imagine it. My parents were of the view of "Why would you bother?" for everything. They'd got a set up they wanted - fair play to them, if it made them happy etc etc - but they wanted to control our lives too and wanted us to want the same things.

Stultifying and suffocating. I can see why your daughter would want to spread her wings and fly away.

This was my parents. It always felt like I was being punished for going out and living my life. They treat me like they thought I thought I was better than them for seeing the world and would constantly either ignore or criticise anything I said that differed from their opinion. In the end I just shut up and didn't even bother joining conversations to avoid put downs. The irony was they would always go on about how they made much better life's for themselves comparing their upbringing to mine, it was OK for them to want more but not me. I would have been the perfect daughter if I'd had got knocked up at 16, got a council house and did minimum wage jobs like all my cousins in stead if gallivanting around like I was someone better (their words, well my mother's anyway). There is a very good reason I'm now NC with my mother (DF dead) and she has nothing to do with my children.

[quote Redrosesandsunsets]@CSJobseeker actually I love cultural differences. And have travelled for that very experience. Many Brits however go to Canada because it’s a lot like the uk with the same language spoken etc. So my comment was more about that. It’s a very different nation. Forcible adoptions and shipping people to Australia … how long ago was that ?
Native children going missing was happening up to 1990s when native kids were going missing and then recently were found buried in schools. And still not much has been done to address that. It’s a little different to sending people away on ships what a 100 years ago. And by they way the built better lives in doing that. Many escaped poverty and they survived. Their families living in Australia and NZ today. These native kids lives were cut short. They were taken from their families and died mysteriously.
Also look up or google The highway of tears which still sees many native women still go missing on today. It still happens.[/quote]
Not that this isn't horrific; of course it is. But you seem weirdly hung up on this one aspect of Canada to the exclusion of any different/more positive things about it.

And those saying they or other parents would 'be shitting themselves' at the idea of their DCs doing this; some people, sure, but you can't possibly think this is a universal feeling? Many families actively bring up their children to expect to travel and explore.

My son did this at just 19, best thing in the world. Of course I was worried but he flew on his own to Vancouver, got his working holiday visa sorted at the airport, found the hostel he was booked into, managed to open a bank account and get his social security number.
Had a job and staff accommodation lined up in Whistler. He went through a company called the working holiday club.
He made friends from around the world. Everyone is in the same boat, young, poor and looking for a good time. He Managed to shop, cook, wash clothes, go out and still get up at 5.30 am in the cold and dark to push ski lifts about.
I worried but he had a return flight home, an emergency credit card in his pocket.
His gap year was cut short due to CV and he is now at uni 2nd year but is so independent. It was the best thing he ever did.
Be proud of your daughter for wanting to do this.

Let her do it. If she doesn't, she'll only regret not taking the chance.

What an amazing opportunity!!
And good for her doing her homework.
But understand your feelings too op.

She will be fine!
Take her to buy winter coat and help her pack!
Be excited for her

It s not Kazakhstan
It s Canada

Check she has health insurance

And plan a visit to see her there

My son did it... on a total whim.. ie he fancied aan Aussie girl he met who was holidaying in the UK.. so got a visa 3 months later and left!
When he came home again.. she followed, lived with us on her 2 year visa, worked, then when that was up she went home...

He's now there on a permanent couples visa. And loving it. And yes I miss him all the time (Covid meaning it will have been over two years til we can see him again) But he's living HIS life. Some days I wish he had met a UK girl... but then again, no.. he met the love of his life, they are happy, he loves Oz and one day they may come back to live or they may not.

We have our children to let them go, not tether them to us!

@smoko.

I don’t think that’s quite fair. I know my DD better than you. She was awful with high school and had truancy issues. College she couldn’t stick out. She eventually got her act together and got her GCSE’s and is a great worker. But she hated being in education.

If you look at the long term requirements to immigrate to Canada, she’ll need more than that. That’s a fact.

@SomewhereEast

I'm Irish & it's always been really common for Irish kids to head off for a year doing bar work or whatever pre or post-uni. Back in my yoof they all went to Australia so Canada actually feels pretty 'near' .

And then there's the tradition of the J1 summers. Where you live on weak beer and whatever they're serving at Happy Hour, are sharing a two-room flat with seventeen people from Annascaul and still manage two or three jobs to home with enough to see you through the academic year.

My liver still slightly aches when I think of mine.

Take her to buy winter coat and help her pack!
Surely she'll get a better winter coat in Canada!

ive never met a australian in england in all my life literally not 1, once met a kiwi on holiday but thats it... and ive lived all over england including 3 of the biggest cities, am i missing something?
Eh? London is full of Antipodeans. Don't know about other UK cities, admittedly.

It sounds like a brilliant opportunity for her, it isn't weird, unusual, outrageous or crazy.

I will say though, if your DH expresses to her his ridiculous ideas, that does massively increase the risk of her going and NOT coming back.

You've raised a hard working kid with a desire to travel and learn via experience - do NOT let your husbands ignorant or toxic attitude squash that!

She sounds great and I am sure will be snapped up for a job back here in the future.

Plenty of uni kids study a year abroad at that age so she is just finding her own way. Amazing! Maybe save for tic for you to go and visit her?

Words have just been had with DH who’s made more dampening comments to DD who’s been excitedly talking about her plans. DD upset. God I’m really annoyed with him actually. I’m worried but I’m still telling her to go and have the time of her life.

For what it’s worth I’m not saying I don’t think my DD is capable of being able to stay in Canada at all. I’m just not sure how plausible it is as an unskilled worker? I’ll have to have a read in to whether it can be done if you’re in a management role as DD is capable of progressing to that I think.

There’s always the possibility she absolutely loves the place and decides to go to uni etc with the goal of being able to go there permanently. That’d be a good motivation for her.

OP, you should be proud of yourself.

Despite what you describe as the certain limitations of her home town, your DD has saved a significant amount of money and is confident and independent enough to go and live and work abroad.

In my book that is a great success.

Your DH needs to have a word with himself.

It's natural to be worried OP! My DD went off to Spain when she was younger than yours, for a year, she had to find a flat and sort out everything. She managed it. It taught her so much, apart from now being fluent in Spanish!

Tell your DH to button it. The world is much smaller with the internet and being able to be in touch.

My best friend did this in the USA. He ended up working at a few jobs, one of them at a summer camp for autistic children. (He has Aspergers too)
and said it was amazing. He really thrived on it, it was so good for him.

He refuses to believe the job is real, refuses to believe the visa is real, refuses to believe the girls she’s socialising with online and plans to meet up with in Canada are real.

DD gone to work now but she said to me “Why does he think I’m stupid?” and isn’t happy. He’s a decent bloke but is stubborn and stuck in his ways and a teeny bit misogynistic I’ve come to realise. I questioned whether he’d be the same if it was DS wanting to go (not his biological son but he’s raised him and everybody considers them father and son) and he said it’s different. It all does come from a place of loving her to bits and being concerned but I don’t like his attitude one bit.

Anyway I’ve come round to it now thanks to this thread and am going to start saving. A bit for an emergency flight back for her if something happens and she loses her money and hopefully a bit for us to go and visit at some point. She says she’d love us to visit once she’s settled and that the ski resort has family discounts.

@MiddayMass

Words have just been had with DH who’s made more dampening comments to DD who’s been excitedly talking about her plans. DD upset. God I’m really annoyed with him actually. I’m worried but I’m still telling her to go and have the time of her life.

Good for you, OP. You're doing exactly what you should be doing, encouraging her to spread her wings. In your shoes, I would have a serious talk to your husband in private, and point out that all he's doing is alienating his daughter, and get him to articulate exactly why he's being so negative about it. Does he realise that this is a perfectly ordinary thing to do for a lot of people, even if it's not in his circles? That BUNAC has existed forever? That it's about as safe a way of spending two years abroad as you could think up?

And you're right that if your daughter struggled in education partly because she didn't see the point of it, some time away with different kinds of people from all over some of whom will be ambitious to do things she's probably never even heard of, let alone thought of doing herself might well fire her up to study further. Whether that's because she finds she would like to live abroad and needs further education to qualify for a visa, or because she discovers something she really wants to do as a career.

He refuses to believe the job is real, refuses to believe the visa is real
Has he looked at the BUNAC promotional stuff/website? If he has and is still spouting this line then he's not not believing it, he just doesn't like it, and you should tell him so.

@MiddayMass

He refuses to believe the job is real, refuses to believe the visa is real, refuses to believe the girls she’s socialising with online and plans to meet up with in Canada are real.

DD gone to work now but she said to me “Why does he think I’m stupid?” and isn’t happy. He’s a decent bloke but is stubborn and stuck in his ways and a teeny bit misogynistic I’ve come to realise. I questioned whether he’d be the same if it was DS wanting to go (not his biological son but he’s raised him and everybody considers them father and son) and he said it’s different. It all does come from a place of loving her to bits and being concerned but I don’t like his attitude one bit.

Anyway I’ve come round to it now thanks to this thread and am going to start saving. A bit for an emergency flight back for her if something happens and she loses her money and hopefully a bit for us to go and visit at some point. She says she’d love us to visit once she’s settled and that the ski resort has family discounts.

It sounds like the start of new adventures for all of you. Scary but wow won’t it be amazing to watch her grow