To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

[MiddayMass]

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

Forcible adoptions and shipping people to Australia … how long ago was that ?

Up to the second half of the 20th century. You don't sound very well informed regarding UK history.

That was to @Redrosesandsunsets

I have been in Vancouver. It is very beautiful, also visited Whistler in summer.

I know someone who has just come back from doing similar. They had a great time and it really helped them to mature.

This is going to be brilliant, important she gets out and sees the world and doesn’t just get stuck in her old town for ever. I did a similar thing and it was bloody brilliant !

How fantastic. Your daughter sounds brilliant. Please just support her. Don't hold her back.

Congratulations! It sounds like you've raised a wonderful daughter. I hope my child is confident enough to travel the world and work and live alone when he's that age. I did a similar thing to your daughter - moved to the other side of the world at 19, where I knew no one and had nowhere to live. I did it on my own, not through an agency, but such organisations did exist then and I'm not surprised they're still around now. I went on a 2 year working holiday visa and it was great.

I think you and your DH are so worried because, as you say, it's outside the realm of your experience at that age. Whereas, a lot of Aussies do the working holiday thing, so it's seen as quite normal.

Life is a risk anywhere. It sounds like you're daughter has done the research and she's clearly clued up enough to sort things out if anything doesn't quite go to plan. I think you would be doing her a massive disservice to talk her out of this. This is what you raised her for - to be a confident adult, capable of taking care of herself. That is what she is doing. Be proud; I would.

Good for your DD on not following your path but living life on her own terms. Travelling broadens experiences and makes for a better rounded person imo. She’ll enjoy it. It’s the best time to do it while she has no kids or responsibilities.

Native children going missing was happening up to 1990s when native kids were going missing and then recently were found buried in schools. And still not much has been done to address that. It’s a little different to sending people away on ships what a 100 years ago. And by they way the built better lives in doing that. Many escaped poverty and they survived. Their families living in Australia and NZ today. These native kids lives were cut short. They were taken from their families and died mysteriously.

The last child migrant sailed from the UK to Australia in 1967 -- many of them were taken from single mothers, and told they were orphans, many of them used as forced labour on remote farms and at farm schools , separated from siblings, and subject to physical and sexual abuse. Some were also sent to Canada and what is now Zimbabwe.

The UK and Australian governments only issued official apologies for the mistreatment of the child migrants in 2009 and 2010. More than 130,000 children aged as young as three were sent.

It's not to minimise the treatment of First Nations people in Canada to point out that the UK is without ugly recent history like this.

@CSJobseeker

Forcible adoptions and shipping people to Australia … how long ago was that ?

Up to the second half of the 20th century. You don't sound very well informed regarding UK history.

Indeed. And those people are still suffering the terrible trauma of people taken from their home. Many suffered terrible abuse in what were essentially labour camps for children. They are adults in our community who might have ‘survived’ but the trauma lives on and passes on through the generations. Being stolen from your family isn’t any better because you got sent from England to the land of sunshine and beaches 😠. They’d love to have been home - even if home was aslum - with people they knew. They didn’t get the choice. TV shows like The Leaving of Liverpool which aired many years ago brought up a lot of pain - those kids were taught no one cared so they just grew up and got on with life. It was important we all learned what they’d suffered. When it ran here I remember all the information to support people who had suffered because they knew it was going to open wounds and that people wouldn’t necessarily know that history was their family’s.

Canada, as with many former colonies (yes, British colonies too), has serious problems with the indigenous peoples. Most people, including politicians, live in the cities far away and can stick their heads in the sand. It is tragic (I have family in Canada who are native Americans, living on a reservation. They’ve known this pain too. I’m in Australia, we have a terrible history too. I’m also of British ancestry - it’s my country that did this!). There are huge issues that need to be addressed. But these issues are in many case because the people making the decisions never looked beyond their own backyard and made life changing policies for people about whom they knew nothing. Kids were taken away and shipped to British styled residential schools to ‘improve’ them. With tragic consequences because you can’t do that to people and just think it’s going to work out. Taking kids from their families and communities is never the solution. God the outrage anytime someone suggests a boarding school - adult ex pupils talk about their pain.

People are more aware of theses issues now and from travelling, people like OP’s daughter, who is from a community people rarely leave, can learn much more than just from documentaries or the internet. Maybe she’ll just meet happy rich people. It’s still a great experience being around new people. Maybe she’ll get to know people who introduce her to knew ways of seeing the world and she’ll end up an advocate for the plight of people grievously harmed by these practices. Who knows? Regardless she will meet so many people and learn from them. No where has a perfect history but more experience and knowledge we have of the world can only help.

Sorry, this should have read has serious problems with the treatment indigenous peoples.

Well done to your daughter for broadening her horizons and having the courage to make big steps forward to improve her life experiences. It will be an amazing opportunity for her.

I did the same but I was slightly younger and this was 20 years ago. Found a job in Asia, told my parents what I had researched and off I went with my savings. Best thing I’ve ever done for my own maturity and development.

Your DH discouraging will probably make her want to go even more. Do your own private research to make you both feel a bit better about what she’s doing and where. And then let her go

OP, your DH is being ridiculous, and this is probably the most ridiculous part:

“ We’re lucky to live in the U.K. and have everything we need, why would you bother going somewhere else?”

For a start, we don’t have ski resorts and amazing mountains in the UK (sorry Aviemore, but you know you don’t compare).

The blinkered approach is awful and I reckon it stems from both insecurity and jealousy - he didn’t have the opportunity so she can’t either. Thinking that someone wanting something different means they think they’re better, rather than just wanting to explore the world outside their tiny area of the planet. Putting someone down for their ambitions because your terrified they won’t come back, or perhaps worse, they’ll come back and tell you about all the amazing stuff they’ve done which you didn’t do.

If he doesn’t support her he’ll lose her. And if he doesn’t think about being positive and interested rather than scathing and belittling when she does come back and tell you about her adventures, he’ll lose her then.

Be proud of your wonderful adventurous motivated daughter!!

Is that really the future you wanted for her?...Your description of your DH's attitude to this is awful tbh. Poor girl, with her dad guilt tripping her for wanting to go out into the world and live her life. A dad who thinks she should settle for a small life just because he did.

Quite, and I feel rather sorry for your daughter. I would say "Imagine having a parent who was happy with their small world and resented you wanting more from life" but actually I don't need to imagine it. My parents were of the view of "Why would you bother?" for everything. They'd got a set up they wanted - fair play to them, if it made them happy etc etc - but they wanted to control our lives too and wanted us to want the same things.

Stultifying and suffocating. I can see why your daughter would want to spread her wings and fly away.

For a start, we don’t have ski resorts and amazing mountains in the UK (sorry Aviemore, but you know you don’t compare).

If you think Aviemore is the pinnacle of the UK's mountain and ski offering, I'm afraid you're not really in a position to comment about whether the UK has amazing mountains!

I have climbed/mountaineered all over the world, and all the climbers I know would say the UK has amazing mountains. Height isn't everything - we have plenty of very technical climbing on big cliffs to go at.

Skiing is a different beast - away from the (not-great) lift-served areas like Aviemore, Scotland has a lot of amazing steep off-piste skiing. However, the temperamental conditions mean it's much less of a sure bet than the Alps or other higher altitude areas.

That's not to say I don't agree with the point re: exploring though. The reason I feel qualified to comment on the quality of the mountaineering in the UK is precisely because I have climbed all over the world.

@Redrosesandsunsets

You haven't quite got it right. Canada has a terrible past when it comes to Indigenous people including colonization and efforts to strip Indigenous people of their rights and culture. One of those ways was through residential schools that ran from the mid 1800s to the mid 1900s. The schools were abusive and mistreated the students but the majority of kids who died there died from communicable diseases and other epidemics (1912) - likely partly due to poor medical care. Most of the residential schools closed in the 1960s. A few remained open later and were taken over by Indigenous bands and attendance was voluntary. No children were going missing , everyone knew that children had died over the past century at the schools - it just wasn't talked about for a long time

A couple decades ago, efforts started to try to find out how many children had died at the schools and to right some of the wrongs. Most of the graves being found (using technology now) are in the school cemeteries and they are both those of the children who died and school staff. The Truth and Reconciliation Commission started in 2007 and delivered their final report in 2015 with Calls to Action - some related to residential schools and so a great deal of federal funding has gone towards this in recent years.

You had a baby at 19 - that's much more of a big scary thing to do than moving abroad!

Your husband's attitude will probably not only make her want to go more but also might have the terrible consequence that if she tries it and decides she doesn't like it or wants to come home for some reason, she might not because she doesn't want a "I told you so" lecture from him.

Tbh, I think the husband's attitude will just guarantee that if/when she does come back, she will never return to that tiny little town. Because she's seen that life is bigger than what is on offer there.

Start saving now, OP!

Canada would be a lovely place to go for a holiday and if you wait until she's been there a year or so you will have your own personal local to show you around. If your DH won't go, go alone.

And you might feel happier with a bit of money tucked away just in case a rescue operation is necessary. (Bitter experience, but not related to Canada)

@CSJobseeker

Forcible adoptions and shipping people to Australia … how long ago was that ?

Up to the second half of the 20th century. You don't sound very well informed regarding UK history.

It was still happening in the 1970s. As an unmarried mother in 1980 I was asked if I intended to keep my baby. I did and, fortunately they didn't push it.

I left home at 19 and lived in a different continent and different countries on my own until I met my husband.
Invaluable experience

It sounds like a great opportunity. My sister did something similar in the 1970s when she was even younger (Germany rather than Canada though) and had a great time.

Yes, you will worry about her. But you'd worry about her wherever she was!