Do I choose my Pride over money ?

[Mamacarrot]

For two years my partner has not been working first was due to covid then afterwards was due to his health. He is currently trying to get on medication then has plans to go back to work once that’s sorted. Anyways my dad and his wife keep asking about whether he was working I lied saying he was working part time however recently I told them the truth about his health condition and that’s why he’s not been working but hopefully will . My dad was sympathetic and has helped me out a lot . He’s been offering me money and 2 weeks ago took me and my son shopping and I’ve been able to get him winter clothes and bought me a jacket. This was the first time I had bought anything for myself in 2 years. This week he also bought me a pram because I needed one . My husband is upset I told them about his business. He is upset because he knows my stepmum has a big mouth and he is right . She has so far told the rest of the family and it’s been very embarrassing for me because people keep asking me about my husbands health condition . Also the other day I visited my aunt and I had on an old polo jumper she blurted out in front of everyone ‘ how have you got a polo on when you’re broke’ . It’s embarrassing. I know everyone is probably making a fool out of me and my husband at the moment. And he was right . Because he doesn’t know this because I didn’t tell him he was right . I now regret saying something but at the same time I don’t because I’ve been able to get a lot of things for my son . My husband doesn’t know about these incidents but he’s overall said he knows the type of people my family are and they are all probably gossiping about us . Which is true . He asked me where my pride was . So I’m considering lying to my dad and his wife by telling them my husband is okay now and is working. I’m doing this to save our pride. But a part of me isn’t sure if I should do this because my dad has helped me a lot with our son and also myself . I’ve been able to do normal things like go get my hair done or buy myself something which I haven’t done in 2 years . I also want to add that my dad has his own business and does well for himself and his wife has never worked for the 20 years she’s been with him because he can afford to support her. So my dad is able to help us and support us.
I’m not sure what to do.

Couldn't your dad give one of you a job?

You've said a few times that you didn't look for work because childcare is expensive.
Do you need childcare even though your husband is not working because his ibd means he can't take care of his children?

You're lucky that your Father is so generous.
I guess the downside of a close family is that relatives get to hear about your situation.

Some people are being quite harsh here!
Covid and lock downs, losing jobs, having a first baby, then getting serious health issues are lots of changes, and big blows!
It makes sense to me that you both needed some time to process.
Yes, you need to find a job, be the bread winner till he gets well enough. He has a serious condition.
I hope he feels well enough to care for your baby? So you do not need childcare. That sounds like the best option to me.
In a year or less your little one will be entitled to nursery hours. Then you can enroll them in a school from 4 years old. That would give you and your DH extra time. He or you could re-train on something else.
Nothing wrong with getting help during your lowest moment, especially from your father. Best luck to you and your family, ignore the harsh comments. And speedy recovery to your husband.

I would certainly advise you and your DH to swallow your pride here. You need the money your dad gives you to look after your child.

I would also suck up the comments from the ridiculously rude relatives. I cannot imagine asking how someone's bowels are. It's not like saying oh did you watch [whatever] last night on TV. I mean WTF! Says more about the person coming out with it really.

You could get some nasty IBD images on your phone to show to this rude relative next time he's asked about it.

@Bluntness100

Child care is expensive

But you don’t need childcare if he is at home? I don’t think it’s right to keep taking from your dad to support your family and comparing yourself to your little sister in full time education, and then consider lying to your family because you don’t want them to know about your life.

Just get a job,if he gets better enough to work and then can do so, you can reconsider.

Who said that the DP is fit enough to look after a baby full time when he isn’t fit to work?

That’s a lot of assumption there isn’t it?

I mean he might be but my first reaction to someone who is off work for ill health isn’t to think he can look after a baby instead.
I know there is no way I would have been able to look after a bay when I was unwell….

Who said that the DP is fit enough to look after a baby full time when he isn’t fit to work?.

Um well she did, read the thread

You're still not accepting that your dh may not be able to return to work f/t or at all because of his illness. You seem to be putting a lot of hope on the medication working and him returning p/t. For someone who is ill with a serious condition, that's a lot of stress and responsibility to consider. He needs to recover or rest to avoid flare ups without the burden of getting a job. Accept that he's the stay at home dad and you go out and get a job.

You need to return to work and contribute to the family finances. There are lots of jobs available now in the higher education sector that could use archive skills. Lots of higher skilled admin/project and operation management roles. You have lots of transferable skills that you can use in the civil service & local government. Both of you appear to have inflexible mind sets.

@TotallySuper ha, I do cut my hair but I've been doing it myself since I was a teen! 😁

@Bluntness100

Child care is expensive

But you don’t need childcare if he is at home? I don’t think it’s right to keep taking from your dad to support your family and comparing yourself to your little sister in full time education, and then consider lying to your family because you don’t want them to know about your life.

Just get a job,if he gets better enough to work and then can do so, you can reconsider.

He's not at home chilling he's unwell , organising childcare with him won't be reliable due to his condition . And I worked whilst in full time education , him buying her a car vs him buying his grandchild winter clothes because it's what I need temporarily is different

@Bluntness100

Who said that the DP is fit enough to look after a baby full time when he isn’t fit to work?.

Um well she did, read the thread

I never said that . I said I would have the discussion with him however after thinking it through I don't think it is a good idea unless there is also someone else to help him on days that he may experience severe symptoms .

I think the problem is too many people don't understand what ibd is. It seems they think it's like IBS.

Sometimes telling people the reality can be effective.

I am not going to me rail but I have a number of conditions that severely affect me in various ways (humiliating ways) and I have, on occasion, explained exactly what the problem is. In great detail. Great, great detail.

I find it is never mentioned again. They can't get off the subject quick enough.

Poor guy it sounds like he’s been going through a really tough time.
I think he’s embarrassed about the nature of his condition and this has led to him being secretive and wanting him to sort it out ‘in house’ without informing the wider world.
The problem is that the clock is ticking and you can’t go on like this for ever as you have a child and your dad can help and I think that he will just have to deal with the fallout, unpleasant though it is.
I hope he can recover soon, and manage his condition it must be a stressful time for you.

I sympathize with your DP, but there is also no pride in lying, especially when the truth inevitably comes out.

If it is too unwell to either do any work or look after a child, has he applied for DLA/PIP?

How old is your child?

Also, rather than taking more money off your dad, it would be better long term if he could do some childcare, shared with your DH to enable you to get back to work.

Family members would be hard-pressed moaning at you about that!

Sorry op I assumed when you said you didn’t look for work as you hoped it would be short term and would now look for a job it meant he could do child care.

If he’s unable to do child care then possibly he needs to look at disability support now. There is nothing to be ashamed of, he’s chronically unwell to the extent he can’t do child care and you can’t earn enough to pay for child care. There is nothing to lie about here, but do start to apply for disability support possibly even carers allowance for yourself

My husband doesn’t know about these incidents but he’s overall said he knows the type of people my family are and they are all probably gossiping about us

So you may as well do it, because she'll find something to carp about anyway - might as well be this.

But I note you wanted a pram, so is DS still v young? If you have plans for further DC, it might be worth pausing until after your DP's has secured treatment and rejoins the workforce. I realise that's an intrusive thing for me to say, but a time (hopefully short) to retrench is almost always worth it. Lurching from one financial crisis to the next is never fun, and it's even less fun with DC.

Also, what is the delay in securing treatment? Is it something that DP can do anything about?

@Howshouldibehave

If it is too unwell to either do any work or look after a child, has he applied for DLA/PIP?

How old is your child?

Have you ever tried to apply for PIP?

Yes this sounds the logical move but I can assure you there is nothing easy or straight forward about it. Plus £400 a month isn’t going to take you very far either….

Make sure you both have applied for the
benefits you're entitled to.

Try applying for remote part time admin job as there's plenty about atm just for a bit of extra cash. If you work from home then you're not paying for childcare & you're close by if dh needs support.