Do I choose my Pride over money ?

[Mamacarrot]

For two years my partner has not been working first was due to covid then afterwards was due to his health. He is currently trying to get on medication then has plans to go back to work once that’s sorted. Anyways my dad and his wife keep asking about whether he was working I lied saying he was working part time however recently I told them the truth about his health condition and that’s why he’s not been working but hopefully will . My dad was sympathetic and has helped me out a lot . He’s been offering me money and 2 weeks ago took me and my son shopping and I’ve been able to get him winter clothes and bought me a jacket. This was the first time I had bought anything for myself in 2 years. This week he also bought me a pram because I needed one . My husband is upset I told them about his business. He is upset because he knows my stepmum has a big mouth and he is right . She has so far told the rest of the family and it’s been very embarrassing for me because people keep asking me about my husbands health condition . Also the other day I visited my aunt and I had on an old polo jumper she blurted out in front of everyone ‘ how have you got a polo on when you’re broke’ . It’s embarrassing. I know everyone is probably making a fool out of me and my husband at the moment. And he was right . Because he doesn’t know this because I didn’t tell him he was right . I now regret saying something but at the same time I don’t because I’ve been able to get a lot of things for my son . My husband doesn’t know about these incidents but he’s overall said he knows the type of people my family are and they are all probably gossiping about us . Which is true . He asked me where my pride was . So I’m considering lying to my dad and his wife by telling them my husband is okay now and is working. I’m doing this to save our pride. But a part of me isn’t sure if I should do this because my dad has helped me a lot with our son and also myself . I’ve been able to do normal things like go get my hair done or buy myself something which I haven’t done in 2 years . I also want to add that my dad has his own business and does well for himself and his wife has never worked for the 20 years she’s been with him because he can afford to support her. So my dad is able to help us and support us.
I’m not sure what to do.

@WonderfulYou their family budget isn’t being affected in any way . They still live very comfortably. But I can see your point of view. However they both have an adult daughter who is my younger sister and my dad supports her . I’ve actually worked throughout my life , if I didn’t have a child then I would have kept on working. My sister has never had a job , is at uni but my dad does everything for her including paying for her driving lessons and buying her a car but that’s not an issue for them.

I agree with @PerfectlyUnsuitable

@PerfectlyUnsuitable thank you. It’s also been very hard emotionally . We will have to look into other options but I think we just hopefully the medication would work that we didn’t consider other options. But for now we will have to do so. We’re also looking at other options outside of medication, such as diet etc but for now it’s just trial and error .

Had he applied for PIP? Do you get ESA/LCRWA as well?

I just can't believe it hadn't occurred to you after a couple of months that you need to get a job. And that you believed that you couldn't work because you couldn't afford childcare when your husband is at home out of work. Be honest, why have you not gone and got any job you could to take care of your family? That's something to be proud of. What is your husband so proud about your current situation? I'd take any job I could to keep my children fed and clothed. Spending money on getting my hair done isn't something I've ever done so I don't really get that either. If you're struggling to provide for your child you really need to look at your priorities. A comfortable lifestyle isn't going to just land in your lap, you need to look for it and work for it.

[quote Mamacarrot]@PerfectlyUnsuitable thank you. It’s also been very hard emotionally . We will have to look into other options but I think we just hopefully the medication would work that we didn’t consider other options. But for now we will have to do so. We’re also looking at other options outside of medication, such as diet etc but for now it’s just trial and error .[/quote]
:) :)

From personal experience, diet and lifestyle can make a huge difference to IBD. I’m nit saying it would cure it but if it gives a better quality if life to your DH, allows him to work, even part time, this would be already a big step forward.

Don’t rely just on medication.

@Waspsarearseholes

I just can't believe it hadn't occurred to you after a couple of months that you need to get a job. And that you believed that you couldn't work because you couldn't afford childcare when your husband is at home out of work. Be honest, why have you not gone and got any job you could to take care of your family? That's something to be proud of. What is your husband so proud about your current situation? I'd take any job I could to keep my children fed and clothed. Spending money on getting my hair done isn't something I've ever done so I don't really get that either. If you're struggling to provide for your child you really need to look at your priorities. A comfortable lifestyle isn't going to just land in your lap, you need to look for it and work for it.

Missing the point but you've never had your hair cut or visited a hairdressers?!

@Waspsarearseholes I think you are mixing twi situations there.

• One where one parent is at home unemployed.
• One with a parent at home because they are ill.

I don’t think it’s helpful to say that those two positions are the same tbh.

There is nothing in the OP’s posts to say that her DP was actually fit enough to look after a baby. I mean if he is not fit enough to work, What is telling you he was/is fit enough to look after a young child?

I still genuinely can’t understand what stopped OP from getting a job? All seems very passive.

If neither of you work and you are relying on handouts then unfortunately you are not in a position to worry about pride.

@Waspsarearseholes maybe you’ve never needed to get your hair done but with the type of hair texture I have I do need to get it braided to platted . I haven’t and that’s been part of the reason why it’s been shedding and breaking

On the issue of pride, you will feel more pride when working. Being unemployed is soul destroying ime. I was unemployed for a period of time and that's when I felt a total lack of pride, surviving on benefits, feeling like a worthless sponge and so embarrassed when people asked me what I did for a living. It was just horrible so you have my sympathies because I know from experience how shitty and judged and looked down on being unemployed makes you feel.

@PerfectlyUnsuitable thank you. So far it’s been making a some difference but it’s one of those things whereby we have to go out of our way and do more research on because doctors only seem to be knowledgable on just medicine . We changed his diet and lifestyle and also he’s been drinking natural oils my mum got us . So hopefully if this continues to improve his condition he could work part time

@IncompleteSenten that’s how he feels too. He said he didn’t want them knowing because they will think he’s lazy or useless. He’s always worked for many years. So this has impacted him

@HomeSliceKnowsBest

If neither of you work and you are relying on handouts then unfortunately you are not in a position to worry about pride.

Surely You don’t mean that someone who is ill and off work due to ill health should feel guilt and ashamed that they have no choice but to rely on benefits, do you?

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

I still genuinely can’t understand what stopped OP from getting a job? All seems very passive.

Child care is expensive

Surely You don’t mean that someone who is ill and off work due to ill health should feel guilt and ashamed that they have no choice but to rely on benefits, do you?

@PerfectlyUnsuitable OPs DH has absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about, he physically can’t work right now.
However OP has chosen not to work. So I can see why the step mum is annoyed that they’re asking for money when OP could easily work and they wouldn’t even have to pay childcare as her DH is home.

How old is your LO op?

I also don't understand why it hadn't occurred to you after a couple of months to get a job. Having been in a somewhat similar position I went back to work when my daughter was 12 weeks old.

Now things have improved my partner and I work around each other to avoid the need for childcare. Him in a job similar to a paramedic. I was managing a care home but I moved jobs to be a deputy on more money and better hours. Both work 12hr shifts, week one he does 4 and I do 3, week 2 he does 3 and I do 4. His had a set pattern and working in care I knew I could walk into most homes and choose my working hours. So if you're going to be looking for work don't be put off by care. Loads of people think they are too good for it. It's hard work but very rewarding and there's room to negotiate because homes are crying out for staff. Just a thought if you want a job quick, which it sounds like you need.

Child care is expensive

But you don’t need childcare if he is at home? I don’t think it’s right to keep taking from your dad to support your family and comparing yourself to your little sister in full time education, and then consider lying to your family because you don’t want them to know about your life.

Just get a job,if he gets better enough to work and then can do so, you can reconsider.