Do I choose my Pride over money ?

[Mamacarrot]

For two years my partner has not been working first was due to covid then afterwards was due to his health. He is currently trying to get on medication then has plans to go back to work once that’s sorted. Anyways my dad and his wife keep asking about whether he was working I lied saying he was working part time however recently I told them the truth about his health condition and that’s why he’s not been working but hopefully will . My dad was sympathetic and has helped me out a lot . He’s been offering me money and 2 weeks ago took me and my son shopping and I’ve been able to get him winter clothes and bought me a jacket. This was the first time I had bought anything for myself in 2 years. This week he also bought me a pram because I needed one . My husband is upset I told them about his business. He is upset because he knows my stepmum has a big mouth and he is right . She has so far told the rest of the family and it’s been very embarrassing for me because people keep asking me about my husbands health condition . Also the other day I visited my aunt and I had on an old polo jumper she blurted out in front of everyone ‘ how have you got a polo on when you’re broke’ . It’s embarrassing. I know everyone is probably making a fool out of me and my husband at the moment. And he was right . Because he doesn’t know this because I didn’t tell him he was right . I now regret saying something but at the same time I don’t because I’ve been able to get a lot of things for my son . My husband doesn’t know about these incidents but he’s overall said he knows the type of people my family are and they are all probably gossiping about us . Which is true . He asked me where my pride was . So I’m considering lying to my dad and his wife by telling them my husband is okay now and is working. I’m doing this to save our pride. But a part of me isn’t sure if I should do this because my dad has helped me a lot with our son and also myself . I’ve been able to do normal things like go get my hair done or buy myself something which I haven’t done in 2 years . I also want to add that my dad has his own business and does well for himself and his wife has never worked for the 20 years she’s been with him because he can afford to support her. So my dad is able to help us and support us.
I’m not sure what to do.

[quote Mamacarrot]@BIWIb I used to work as an archivist and was self employed . But the money is little I won’t be able to afford childcare[/quote]
Surely the options aren’t archivist or nothing?

Why don’t you get a job, your DH does the childcare and then your parents don’t have to gossip about you not being able to support your family or give you handouts?

I fail to understand,how normal families can all chip in, with their comments about certain things. A lesson to be learned from this, is to keep quiet about some things, that you wan't to remain private. if you have nosy and big mouthed people around in the family.

I don’t think that anyone has covered themselves in glory here. In fact, I think it’s only your DF and your DS who don’t need to pull their finger out.

What does ‘trying to get on medication’ mean? Once you’ve managed to get a GP appointment, how much longer does it take? And who does he think is going to put clothes on his child’s back while he’s been at home? He isn’t concerned with your pride, he’s concerned with his pride and what people are saying about him. Why isn’t he approaching your dad, saying he’s going through a tough time, he’s got a plan to get back on his feet and thanking him for helping with stuff for your son?

And if he’s at home and able to look after your DC and you need money to help support your family, why aren’t you working? Why is it only his responsibility to bring money in?

On the other hand, I can understand why he’s got the hump about you telling your family about his medical condition. If you felt like you had to explain, all that needs to be said is that he’s not well enough to work at the moment, it’s private and not your place to be telling all and sundry his personal business. What did you say to your aunt when she commented on your clothes? I hope it was along the lines of ‘mind your own sodding business, you nosy fucker’.

All you have to say to gossiping in the family is ‘dp is ill’

[quote Mamacarrot]@BIWIb I used to work as an archivist and was self employed . But the money is little I won’t be able to afford childcare[/quote]
I took so long to type, I missed this.

And bingo! There’s your pride! You are skint. You don’t have the luxury of doing the job you quite like doing. If you like being able to get your hair done and buy yourself clothes, you need to take anything that pays.

Maybe the family know more than we do.

Your husband being ill and not working and the household financial situation is your lived reality. By asking you to hide that situation, your husband is isolating you and keeping you for getting support other than financial as well, the emotional support of your family is perhaps more important.

This situation has also dragged on for too long. If there is a simple solution to getting him back to work, it should have been sorted by now. If it is not simple, you need to stop relying on the hope of medication might help and find a way to get some money coming into your household.

You need to work. Is your partner so unwell he can’t do any childcare?

Businesses are crying out for staff - many are offering sign on bonuses. There’s no reason to be relying on your dad

I would take your Dad's money. My parents have been only too glad to help me financially at times in my life when I needed it and there's nothing wrong with that.

I would practice saying 'My husband's ill and can't work, I'm not embarrassed about having less money because of that. I do think it's embarrassing for people who think that's something to gossip about, don't you?' Stand your ground with step mum or whoever.

I would be embarrassed to take my dad’s money when I had chosen not to work!

You don’t need childcare as your DH isn’t working.

Why haven’t you got a job? He hasn’t worked for two years?

You should be able to confide in your own father without it ending up in the mouth of his wife. That’s where the problem is.

I will discuss working and him doing childcare . The only reason why this wasn’t an option was because we didn’t except this to go on for as long as it was. We thought once he started his meds he will be able to go back but unfortunately he’s had side effects from them so it’s made this process than expected

@CanofCant

Maybe the family know more than we do.

What do you mean? I don’t understand

Don't be stupid, your Dad sounds like a good man and you need his help. You have childcare your husband isn't working, you should go and get a job.

@LethargicActress

You should be able to confide in your own father without it ending up in the mouth of his wife. That’s where the problem is.

I agree. We had these issues in the past and he’s never understood my point . Has told her things I told him in private and she has informed the world. And he knows this too

@Howshouldibehave

I would be embarrassed to take my dad’s money when I had chosen not to work!

You don’t need childcare as your DH isn’t working.

Why haven’t you got a job? He hasn’t worked for two years?

I’ve never asked my dad for money directly . He’s always offered and I’ve accepted because I need it

But you wouldn’t need to accept handouts if one of you was working.

As he is ill, I would say you need to work and he does childcare.

@Sn0tnose I’m not sure what a skint is . But I do love my job. It’s just not a well paid profession at the level that I am at.

Skint=broke=not enough money

You’d have more money if you got a job.

Pride doesn't grown warm clothes and food in the belly.

But it does sound as though you may need to look into working until your partner is able to.

It won't be the profession you enjoy, but thats only short term until your back on your feet again, I havent been able to do the job I love for 13 years now, but im about 2 years away from being able to study and start again, we have to change our life choices when we have children, its not forever, the focus right now, is keeping fed, watered, clothed with a roof over your heads.

You choose your dc's wellbeing, of course. Which means sucking up your pride (or rather, his) so your little one gets winter clothes and coat.

No one's value as a person is related to how much they earn.

Your family sounds like snobby twats.

I would tell them he isn’t working due to ill health and say you won’t be going into anymore details.
If they are rude or ask questions make sure you stick up for yourself and tell them it’s none of their business.

As a side note - you need to improve your situation.
Check you are getting all the help you are entitled to.
He needs to make sure he is getting help to sort himself out.
If you are working FT he could try and find a PT job so it’s not so stressful for him.

You don't have a pride problem - you have a stepmum problem. I would speak to your dad and say how you are feeling embarrased. Don't ask him to sort her out - but its likely he will ask her to stop it once he knows how you are feeling.
Its really not pride - you just need a helping hand now and I bet your dad is delighted you have gone to him so he can give that to you.

Why haven’t you got a job? He hasn’t worked for two years?

OP said she does work.

@ittakes2 yes he’s happy to help . And the situation is only temporary.