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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I choose my Pride over money ?

145 replies

Mamacarrot · 14/11/2021 14:24

For two years my partner has not been working first was due to covid then afterwards was due to his health. He is currently trying to get on medication then has plans to go back to work once that’s sorted. Anyways my dad and his wife keep asking about whether he was working I lied saying he was working part time however recently I told them the truth about his health condition and that’s why he’s not been working but hopefully will . My dad was sympathetic and has helped me out a lot . He’s been offering me money and 2 weeks ago took me and my son shopping and I’ve been able to get him winter clothes and bought me a jacket. This was the first time I had bought anything for myself in 2 years. This week he also bought me a pram because I needed one . My husband is upset I told them about his business. He is upset because he knows my stepmum has a big mouth and he is right . She has so far told the rest of the family and it’s been very embarrassing for me because people keep asking me about my husbands health condition . Also the other day I visited my aunt and I had on an old polo jumper she blurted out in front of everyone ‘ how have you got a polo on when you’re broke’ . It’s embarrassing. I know everyone is probably making a fool out of me and my husband at the moment. And he was right . Because he doesn’t know this because I didn’t tell him he was right . I now regret saying something but at the same time I don’t because I’ve been able to get a lot of things for my son . My husband doesn’t know about these incidents but he’s overall said he knows the type of people my family are and they are all probably gossiping about us . Which is true . He asked me where my pride was . So I’m considering lying to my dad and his wife by telling them my husband is okay now and is working. I’m doing this to save our pride. But a part of me isn’t sure if I should do this because my dad has helped me a lot with our son and also myself . I’ve been able to do normal things like go get my hair done or buy myself something which I haven’t done in 2 years . I also want to add that my dad has his own business and does well for himself and his wife has never worked for the 20 years she’s been with him because he can afford to support her. So my dad is able to help us and support us.
I’m not sure what to do.

OP posts:
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 14/11/2021 15:55

Too many people would rather their 'loved ones' went without sooner than acknowledge their circumstances.

Howshouldibehave · 14/11/2021 15:55

@WonderfulYou

Why haven’t you got a job? He hasn’t worked for two years?

OP said she does work.

Where?
Original poster
Mamacarrot · 14/11/2021 15:56

@WonderfulYou

Why haven’t you got a job? He hasn’t worked for two years?

OP said she does work.

No I don’t work anymore. I lost my job after covid and so did he . At the time I had my baby and stayed at home. But around the time he was able to go back to work his health issues got worst and wasn’t able to back which is why it’s been two years .
OP posts:
lescompagnonsdeloue · 14/11/2021 15:58

So why aren't you out looking for a job?

MarshmallowSwede · 14/11/2021 15:58

It was very rude and uncouth for your aunt to ask why you’re wearing a polo when “you’re broke” is beyond horrible manners.

You’re aunt should be embarrassed and ashamed, not you. And no, if your father can help you then do not lie to him to save face.

I hope your husband recovers well and can go back to work. But you should not be embarrassed, but the ones gossiping about your situation and trying to shame you for it definitely should feel ashamed of themselves.

TaraLewis · 14/11/2021 16:00

What is wrong with your partner ?

Original poster
Mamacarrot · 14/11/2021 16:01

@lescompagnonsdeloue I didn’t because I thought My husband would have gotten on the right medication by now . It was only temporarily didn’t make sense to get a job then to quit after he’s gotten better . But for now as this is taking longer than I expected I will look for a job

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 14/11/2021 16:03

Your aunt is rude and nasty OP. She should be ashamed of herself for that comment.

Original poster
Mamacarrot · 14/11/2021 16:04

@TaraLewis he has an irritable bowl disease

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 14/11/2021 16:05

But I do love my job. It’s just not a well paid profession at the level that I am at.

I read the above as that you are still working.

So obviously if you can’t afford to buy your child clothes then you’re going to have to get a job.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/11/2021 16:05

I mean this kindly OP, I really do - but you need to give your head a wobble. You sound incredibly naive.

Your husband has been unable to work through ill-health for TWO YEARS. It's all very well to say 'we didn’t expect this to go on for as long as it has",^ but personally I would have been looking to get a job around the six months mark - sooner if the bills couldn't be paid. And not being able to buy my child winter clothes - and you still didn't think 'there's jobs advertised in the windows of shops and cafes and restaurants, I'll see if I can pick up some work'?

It strikes me that you and your husband have quite inflexible attitudes, e.g. you couldn't imagine getting a job other than as an archivist. He couldn't look into working 'until'. By the way - has he lost his job, or is he on unpaid sick leave? If he's lost his job, is there work he could do from home? This is what I mean about being flexible. Instead, you continued in poverty until your dad stepped in. Maybe, if the pair of you had thought a bit more creatively, you'd be getting by. Not doing great, but getting by. Then there'd have been none of this ridiculous 'pride' shite - because it is shite. You and your husband need to bite the bullet and put your son's welfare before some antiquated notion of 'pride'.

Sn0tnose · 14/11/2021 16:08

[quote Mamacarrot]@Sn0tnose I’m not sure what a skint is . But I do love my job. It’s just not a well paid profession at the level that I am at.[/quote]
You’re not a skint. You are skint. You have no money.

I love crafting things and playing with puppies. But they don’t pay my bills so, like most people, I have to put my personal preferences aside and do a job I don’t enjoy so I don’t have to live in a bloody tent.

He’s spent two years either sat at home or pissing about with his medication and it doesn’t seem to have occurred to you that getting a job would be a sensible thing to do. Your family gossiping about you is horrible and they shouldn’t be doing it, but I expect they’re wondering why a pair of grown adults are poncing off one of their parents.

Youdoyoutoday · 14/11/2021 16:09

So since you've both been out of work, what have you been living on?
I agree with @WhereYouLeftIt

Howshouldibehave · 14/11/2021 16:09

[quote Mamacarrot]@lescompagnonsdeloue I didn’t because I thought My husband would have gotten on the right medication by now . It was only temporarily didn’t make sense to get a job then to quit after he’s gotten better . But for now as this is taking longer than I expected I will look for a job[/quote]
I can’t believe you have let this go on for so long without looking for work?!

A few months, maybe..!

Helpstopthepain · 14/11/2021 16:11

He is currently trying to get on medication then has plans to go back to work once that’s sorted

What medication is he ‘trying to get’?

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2021 16:13

@Mamacarrot

I will discuss working and him doing childcare . The only reason why this wasn’t an option was because we didn’t except this to go on for as long as it was. We thought once he started his meds he will be able to go back but unfortunately he’s had side effects from them so it’s made this process than expected
But its gone on for two years. Imagine how much you could've earned even on just a zero hours contract.

Perhaps this is why your dad's wife is being a resentful cow?

dreamingbohemian · 14/11/2021 16:14

I understand you love your job but unfortunately you're at the point now where you need to do something else in the short term, that's just life. You could walk into a job tomorrow, that's how desperate employers are.

I imagine this is why people are gossiping actually. If you were working while DH was ill and your father was just helping around the edges, that's nothing especially interesting. But neither of you working and relying on your father is going to get tongues wagging (not that it should, I don't agree with that, but that's how people are).

Original poster
Mamacarrot · 14/11/2021 16:15

@Helpstopthepain

He is currently trying to get on medication then has plans to go back to work once that’s sorted

What medication is he ‘trying to get’?

He’s been on a few medications offered by the hospital but have not been successful so far due to side effects
OP posts:
PerfectlyUnsuitable · 14/11/2021 16:15

Been there and done that with my own parents and my own health issues.

Don’t lie to your parent(s).

You have no idea if/when your DP will get better and you might well need their help again. And it’s ok. It’s not as if he had chosen to do so!

Plus I suspect you could do with the emotional support too.

Your father is clearly happy to support you. He has your back. Don’t turn your back on him.

Original poster
Mamacarrot · 14/11/2021 16:16

@Youdoyoutoday

So since you've both been out of work, what have you been living on? I agree with *@WhereYouLeftIt*
@Youdoyoutoday savings and universal credit.
OP posts:
Original poster
Mamacarrot · 14/11/2021 16:17

@WhereYouLeftIt

I mean this kindly OP, I really do - but you need to give your head a wobble. You sound incredibly naive.

Your husband has been unable to work through ill-health for TWO YEARS. It's all very well to say 'we didn’t expect this to go on for as long as it has",^ but personally I would have been looking to get a job around the six months mark - sooner if the bills couldn't be paid. And not being able to buy my child winter clothes - and you still didn't think 'there's jobs advertised in the windows of shops and cafes and restaurants, I'll see if I can pick up some work'?

It strikes me that you and your husband have quite inflexible attitudes, e.g. you couldn't imagine getting a job other than as an archivist. He couldn't look into working 'until'. By the way - has he lost his job, or is he on unpaid sick leave? If he's lost his job, is there work he could do from home? This is what I mean about being flexible. Instead, you continued in poverty until your dad stepped in. Maybe, if the pair of you had thought a bit more creatively, you'd be getting by. Not doing great, but getting by. Then there'd have been none of this ridiculous 'pride' shite - because it is shite. You and your husband need to bite the bullet and put your son's welfare before some antiquated notion of 'pride'.

It’s been two years due to covid as well.
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/11/2021 16:18

Look yoire both unemployed and uou are skint and you’ve been taking from your dad. I get you don’t want people to know you’re both unemployed and broke but it is what it is. Don’t lie about it, focus on one of you getting into work. If it can’t be him thn it needs to be you.

IncompleteSenten · 14/11/2021 16:18

What on earth is your aunt on about?
You can't wear an old jumper if you're broke? If it was a brand new designer one then she'd still be wrong for embarrassing you but at least there would be logic in not getting a posh new jumper if you're broke.

Two years is not short term any more and I agree with pp that it is time you say ok, you will not be able to work for an unspecified amount of time but I can so I will look for work - any work. We won't need childcare because you are not working so can look after our child.

Original poster
Mamacarrot · 14/11/2021 16:19

@WhereYouLeftIt he’s self employed . And he can’t work from home.

OP posts:
Skysblue · 14/11/2021 16:21

Don’t lie, it’ll just lead too more lies and they WILL find out at which point you’ll be even more embarrassed. Plus as you say the priority is your son.

DO ask your family to stop commenting on your finances. Every single time someone mentions it answer with something like “wow how rude, I’d really rather people don’t throw my financial situation in my face.” Or if that’s too confrontational for you maybe just give them a long silent stare and then say “wow.” Or “ouch.” Then change the subject pointedly.

Good luck I hope things get better soon xx