Do I choose my Pride over money ?

[Mamacarrot]

For two years my partner has not been working first was due to covid then afterwards was due to his health. He is currently trying to get on medication then has plans to go back to work once that’s sorted. Anyways my dad and his wife keep asking about whether he was working I lied saying he was working part time however recently I told them the truth about his health condition and that’s why he’s not been working but hopefully will . My dad was sympathetic and has helped me out a lot . He’s been offering me money and 2 weeks ago took me and my son shopping and I’ve been able to get him winter clothes and bought me a jacket. This was the first time I had bought anything for myself in 2 years. This week he also bought me a pram because I needed one . My husband is upset I told them about his business. He is upset because he knows my stepmum has a big mouth and he is right . She has so far told the rest of the family and it’s been very embarrassing for me because people keep asking me about my husbands health condition . Also the other day I visited my aunt and I had on an old polo jumper she blurted out in front of everyone ‘ how have you got a polo on when you’re broke’ . It’s embarrassing. I know everyone is probably making a fool out of me and my husband at the moment. And he was right . Because he doesn’t know this because I didn’t tell him he was right . I now regret saying something but at the same time I don’t because I’ve been able to get a lot of things for my son . My husband doesn’t know about these incidents but he’s overall said he knows the type of people my family are and they are all probably gossiping about us . Which is true . He asked me where my pride was . So I’m considering lying to my dad and his wife by telling them my husband is okay now and is working. I’m doing this to save our pride. But a part of me isn’t sure if I should do this because my dad has helped me a lot with our son and also myself . I’ve been able to do normal things like go get my hair done or buy myself something which I haven’t done in 2 years . I also want to add that my dad has his own business and does well for himself and his wife has never worked for the 20 years she’s been with him because he can afford to support her. So my dad is able to help us and support us.
I’m not sure what to do.

[quote Mamacarrot]@WhereYouLeftIt he’s self employed . And he can’t work from home.[/quote]
You do both know neither of you have to stay in the same job until you die? 🙄

[quote Mamacarrot]@WhereYouLeftIt he’s self employed . And he can’t work from home.[/quote]
Sometimes when we are in the middle of a situation and using all of our time and energy to keep going its hard to take a step back and really look at options.

But I think that if you were able to do that it could be really transformative for your life.

Right now he is too poorly to do his business. So could you brainstorm anything else which he might be able to do. Could he work in an employed position? Could he get a job from home? Could he work for someone else? Could he be responsible for the kids whilst you work?

Its easy to ask those questions from the other side of a screen but sometimes when we take a step back and look at life from the outside and really try everything we can to fix something, it can completely transform our lives.

How old is your child? Over 2 could you not be entitled to free nursery hours?

Me : "Your husband has been unable to work through ill-health for TWO YEARS. It's ..."

OP : "It’s been two years due to covid as well."

OK. In a later post you said "I lost my job after covid and so did he." So his health wasn't an issue at that point? Did he try to get another job at that point? There were jobs. Maybe not well-paying, maybe not prestigious, but in the early days e.g. supermarkets and delivery services were crying out for staff. Did either of you consider doing that?

And let's be picky on the timeline. First lockdown was later March 2020. When did he lose his job? When did his health problems start/exacerbate?

It sounds to me like your step mother is annoyed. After all, you have no reason not to work, and don't appear to be looking for work, and yet you take money out of their family budget. It's a little crass, but I think she is complaining about you. A pram is a big budget item, and although I'm not saying your dad shouldn't spend his money as he wishes, she probably feels he shouldn't spend it on an adult who has not worked, for no reason (you, not your husband).

Get a job op

1. Say the truth and only the truth to your father, and accept his help.
2. I hate women like your SM, and your aunt does not sound any better! Not an empathetic kind helpful sort of people. In the case of your SM, I think she should keep her mouth closed, very closed. I would be telling my father how this makes me feel, and my husband, in detail, and ask him if he can just not share any more with her, or tell her to shut up. It is not her place to share with anyone what is told to her husband, by his children.
3. Ignore your family or anyone that is judgy. We all have ups and downs in life, all of us.
4. Look for a job, there are plenty of temporary ones. Use an agency, so that covers the case that your husband is ready to go back soon, or later. At least you get some cash in thehousehold and keep afloat till your problems get sorted.

There’s no lack of pride in taking money from your dad if you unfortunately need it. None at all.

There’s every lack of pride though when between then two grown adults haven’t got a job 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Cocomarine

There’s no lack of pride in taking money from your dad if you unfortunately need it. None at all.

There’s every lack of pride though when between then two grown adults haven’t got a job 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yep

There’s nothing embarrassing though about family knowing that your husband is ill though. You seem very concerned with what people think - his illness, your pride…
No-one’s entitled to the ins and outs of his medical records of course, but I don’t see what’s embarrassing about family knowing your husband is unwell.

Btw, I agree with him doing childcare and you going back to work.

Even if in the close future he is going back to work himself, there is no reason why you should stop. If anything, this should have taught you (as in BOTH of you) that having two wages gives you a safety blanket.

Imo You also need to review your stance about ‘he will get better’.
IBS/IBD is likely to be a life long condition. Your DP might well find the right medication but this will be part of both your life and you need to take that into account. I’d say you need to plan accordingly.

It sounds to me like your step mother is annoyed. After all, you have no reason not to work, and don't appear to be looking for work, and yet you take money out of their family budget. It's a little crass, but I think she is complaining about you. A pram is a big budget item, and although I'm not saying your dad shouldn't spend his money as he wishes, she probably feels he shouldn't spend it on an adult who has not worked, for no reason (you, not your husband).

I agree.
I read the OP wrong and thought OP worked and that the step mum was being a bitch but I can completely see why she’s be annoyed if they’re borrowing money and OP hasn’t tried looking for work for 2 years.

Just be honest!
No point in being embarrassed. It’s no ones fault.

IBS rendering him incapable of doing any kind of paid work? In 25 years as a GP I’ve never seen that. Is there a chance he doesn’t want to work? Or - more likely - is he actually depressed?

If he's worried about the gossip then he needs to do something about it.

He either needs to, a. Stand up for himself, express he's got a genuine medical condition that is impacting his ability to work, own up to it all, learn that humans aren't imperfect and unfortunately sometimes we need to ask for her or b. He needs to get a job, because I presume his insecurities are that he could get some sort of job if he looked for one that met his needs.

But regardless of which, he needs to own it.

You shouldn't have to lie to your family.

What your dad did helped you out immeasurably.

[quote Mamacarrot]@WhereYouLeftIt he’s self employed . And he can’t work from home.[/quote]
He also has a chronic illness.

Like a lot of people with a chronic illness, he might have to look at his job again and see if something else might be more suitable. He can’t rely on doctors to find the right medication because, unfortunately, the right medication doesn’t always exist (again speaking form experience there….).
You both need to acknowledge that things have changed and his illness has changed things. That means him looking at what else he could do especially as being self employed, after two years, he will be starting from scratch again.
This means looking at another organisation at home re childcare.
This means looking at how you could get organise so you can live on your wage only (and if your DP manages to work again then that will be huge bonus rather than what keeps you afloat).

But it all starts with acknowledging the limitations coming with a chronic (any chronic) illness.

@Couchbettato to be fair, this extremely hard to do.

Yes when you are looking from the outside, it is obvious that it starts with owning up to his medical condition.
But admitting to yourself you will be limited from now on is fucking hard. It is really is.

@WhereYouLeftIt

Me : "Your husband has been unable to work through ill-health for TWO YEARS. It's ..."

OP : "It’s been two years due to covid as well."

OK. In a later post you said "I lost my job after covid and so did he." So his health wasn't an issue at that point? Did he try to get another job at that point? There were jobs. Maybe not well-paying, maybe not prestigious, but in the early days e.g. supermarkets and delivery services were crying out for staff. Did either of you consider doing that?

And let's be picky on the timeline. First lockdown was later March 2020. When did he lose his job? When did his health problems start/exacerbate?

Whew ok. He has a trade which he’s done for 20 years and has always worked throughout the years . Dec 2019 took a holiday for a few weeks. Then went back to work for a short while then lockdown happened . There was no need to get another job. He had furlough and savings . When lockdown ended and it was time to continue work his health issues started then we are here . So not exactly 2 years I guess but almost .

[quote Mamacarrot]@TaraLewis he has an irritable bowl disease[/quote]
I'm unsure if your DH has IBS or inflammatory bowel disease (IBD). The latter is completely wretched and can be very serious.

I lived with IBS for a long time and it was very disruptive, painful, and had a substantial impact on my social, everyday, and health-related quality of life but it wasn't something that prevented working.

@PerfectlyUnsuitable we are starting to realise this too . We just believed that the medication will work and things will go back to normal.

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus I meant to say inflammatory bowl disease .

What @EmbarrassingHadrosaurus said.

What steps has he actually taken to control his IBS (assuming this is what it is), and to make adaptions to his life? IBS isn't the sort of condition which can be controlled by simply popping a pill. It requires dietary and lifestyle adjustments and learning to 'read' one's body and symptoms, being able to anticipate when a toilet might be needed. It can be done - I have a friend who suffered with IBS for many years and yet managed to hold down a senior, stressful job requiring lots of international travel. There is a lot of information about IBS online and also patient support forums.

The key is to actively do something rather than sit and wait for the doctors to sort it out. The OP and her husband seem very passive. If one's preferred profession is no longer an option, you need to find a different way of earning a living.

Ah, sorry, cross post. I see its inflammatory, which is more serious.

I would be embarrassed to take my dads money. Why cant you work? Its ridiculous that you chose to stay at home and be skint looking for handouts. Cant your DH look after your child and you can go out and earn? Surely he can do that?

[quote Mamacarrot]@PerfectlyUnsuitable we are starting to realise this too . We just believed that the medication will work and things will go back to normal.[/quote]
I really hope for him that they will find the right medication for him.

But they might not. And IBD can be pretty awful. I’m not wanting to scare you or him. But you will find it easier to plan for the worst there and hope for the best iyswim.

If he has had a trade for 20 years now, is there anyway he could ‘branch out’ ? Eg teach that trade instead?