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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cancelling Christmas invitation

148 replies

Rose789 · 14/11/2021 13:31

I’ve just received an appointment for surgery to remove my gallbladder. Been waiting a long time and has already been postponed three times.
The new date is 21 December.

Normally for Christmas we host Christmas dinner for PIL, BIL and his gf, dh uncle, my dad and then me Dh and 2 kids. Everyone was invited a few weeks ago.
When the appointment came through I suggested to dh that we cancel his family coming. PIL are able to cook and have room for 5 people.
My dad is a widower and has a lot of health issues if we don’t have him for Christmas he would not see anyone or be able to cook a meal for himself.

Dh thinks now we have invited everyone we will have to suck it up and host. He is happy to do the cooking. He doesn’t think it’s fair if my dad still comes but not his family.
I love his family and if it was just the Parents coming I would just say to crack on they will understand if I’m not feeling my best. But with BIL and his girlfriend and uncle coming I will feel like I actually have to host.

Potentially I’ll be fine and able to move around after 4 days and I’ll be fine to host if dh can do the heavy lifting. But on the other hand Christmas morning will be hectic and an early start with the kids anyway.
I’ve not even spoken to the family yet and I don’t really know how long it will take to recover from the surgery - reading online seems to vary a lot.

What would you do? Cancel now so alternative plans can be made or just continue on as normal and hope it’ll be ok?

OP posts:

Tempnamechange123 · 14/11/2021 17:54

Sorry didn’t say that to be scary as I’m aware I’m the minority but I just wouldn’t risk it x

gettingolderandgrumpy · 14/11/2021 18:01

No cancel, hosting is hard work but days after surgery no and I think as soon as you mention that your op is booked for 21st December they will completely understand so tell your husband no .

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/11/2021 18:18

I’d cancel, my DH had his gall bladder removed and they had to revert to full surgery - he was in hospital for 10 days and very fragile for a good few weeks after. Obviously most people do ok with keyhole but you have no way of knowing and cancelling on the 21st would be much worse than biting the bullet and doing it now.

Kisskiss · 14/11/2021 18:29

Your husband is the only unreasonable one here. What did the pil say?

EdgeOfTheSky · 14/11/2021 18:42

I think it’s fine to cancel, however if your DH wants to host while you lie on the sofa and do not lift a finger then I think that is also fine.

Are they muckers in and helpers out? Can BIL co bring ready prepared dishes? Will DH do the shopping etc?

MobMoll · 14/11/2021 18:53

Even if you did have the most capable DH in the World, prior to surgery you should be getting your house clean, laundry done, shopping for things to make your recovery easier etc and not preparing for guests! And even if your husband had hosting under control having that many people in the house is exhausting. Who wants that??? The days running up to your surgery you need to be getting ready for it and they days following recovering from it. Not to mention you don’t want someone bringing Covid or flu into the house when you are vulnerable.
If PILs can’t manage to host themselves they can go out to eat and maybe take your Dad with them.

logsonlogsoff · 14/11/2021 19:02

Can BIL host? Or can you all budge in with PIL?
What you shouldn’t do is try to have all those people at yours - you will overdo it. Or you may just feel like crap and not want a house full of people.
And as for your DF coming - that’s totally different to everyone coming.

logsonlogsoff · 14/11/2021 19:03

If you’re up to it you could go to theirs for a drink Xmas eve or Xmas day without it being a whole day commitment

NeverChange · 14/11/2021 19:18

If it was me and my DH couldn't see sense I would be talking to his MIL. "I'm really worried that I won't be well enough to host as good as I normally do. DH really wants to spend Xmas with you all so wants to do it but I hate seeing him under that much pressure given we always do it jointly. I'm really hoping I was recover quicker than most etc."

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/11/2021 19:29

Of course you cancel! Your health comes first.

Why would you even question this?

Original poster

Rose789 · 14/11/2021 20:30

Thank you and thank you for everyone sharing their own recovery experience.
I’ve spoken to PIL and they are happy to host at their house for the 5 of them. Dh is still insisting he can cope with making Christmas dinner single handed for 10 people. We tend to work as a team each year and he does pull his weight but the mental load- shopping lists, timing, prep, cleaning as we go, keeping an eye on guests tends to fall to me.
I’ve suggested we have a quiet Christmas at home and then if he wants to he can cook a New Years dinner for his family.
We (whole house) have to self isolate for 3 days beforehand. PIL have offered to have the kids the weekend before as we have booked loads of christmassy stuff- breakfast with Santa etc.
3 days home alone will be odd but it means I can get fully prepared and cleaned and presents wrapped and stuff.
Sucky timing but I would take the surgery on Christmas Day if I needed too it’s a bugger. Dh will just need to suck it up

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/11/2021 20:32

Your PILs sound lovely @Rose789.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/11/2021 20:40

You do sound like you've got great supportive PILs. If he moans to them, his Mom will talk sense into him from the sounds of it

Porcupineintherough · 14/11/2021 20:44

@Rose789

Thank you and thank you for everyone sharing their own recovery experience. I’ve spoken to PIL and they are happy to host at their house for the 5 of them. Dh is still insisting he can cope with making Christmas dinner single handed for 10 people. We tend to work as a team each year and he does pull his weight but the mental load- shopping lists, timing, prep, cleaning as we go, keeping an eye on guests tends to fall to me. I’ve suggested we have a quiet Christmas at home and then if he wants to he can cook a New Years dinner for his family. We (whole house) have to self isolate for 3 days beforehand. PIL have offered to have the kids the weekend before as we have booked loads of christmassy stuff- breakfast with Santa etc. 3 days home alone will be odd but it means I can get fully prepared and cleaned and presents wrapped and stuff. Sucky timing but I would take the surgery on Christmas Day if I needed too it’s a bugger. Dh will just need to suck it up

Sounds like the perfect plan to me. Good luck with the op

Feedingthebirds1 · 14/11/2021 20:59

OP whatever happens make sure you're 'ill' on the 24th and 25th. Groan a lot. Because I'll bet my last lipstick that if you're absolutely fine by then, at best he'll sulk, at worst may actually get annoyed/angry.

billy1966 · 14/11/2021 23:14

Your in laws sound like lovely people but your husband is a selfish arse, make no mistake.

Best of luck.

Confusedmeanderings · 14/11/2021 23:28

I wouldn't cancel. I would let everyone know what's happening and ask them all to muck in. Your husband has offered to cook, so take him up on it. Don't be tempted to help, leave everyone to get on with it, but do expect them to keep you topped up with drinks and treats. If the worst happens and dinner is ruined, it isn't the end of the world. It will be a story you retell for years. After a series of disasters, we had boiled eggs and soldiers for Christmas lunch one year. We're still laughing about it 40 years later!

EdgeOfTheSky · 15/11/2021 07:26

Dh is still insisting he can cope with making Christmas dinner single handed for 10 people

Plenty of women do this. And why single handed? Hid brother and gf could be his team.

It is important that you do not move a muscle to help, but he’s not a child.

I would be really criss if DH made arrangements over my head with my family because they didn’t think I was capable and wouldn’t ‘allow’ me.

If however he has form for not following trough with grand promises / would be passive aggressive and start wanting you to chip in and rescue him etc, I take it back. But you say he pulls his weight…

He wants to take it on, it’s his family he wouldn’t see….

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 15/11/2021 07:29

Cancel, I had my gallbladder out in September. It was a bit different as mine was done as an emergency as gallbladder was infected and yours is planned so hopefully no infection. They had to put in a drain after the surgery so I had to stay in for 3 days after it was done and was very uncomfortable for another few days plus just tired and blah feeling.

LovePoppy · 15/11/2021 16:57

@EdgeOfTheSky

Dh is still insisting he can cope with making Christmas dinner single handed for 10 people

Plenty of women do this. And why single handed? Hid brother and gf could be his team.

It is important that you do not move a muscle to help, but he’s not a child.

I would be really criss if DH made arrangements over my head with my family because they didn’t think I was capable and wouldn’t ‘allow’ me.

He wants to take it on, it’s his family he wouldn’t see….

Absolutely agree.

Fairylights25 · 15/11/2021 17:20

Your dh is being really U and very uncaring. Can you tell him that from me?

Secondly I left my gallbladder and it basically got infected, and I was in total agony by the time I was wheeled down as an emergency. You can not leave it. It is not an optional operation because you can become very ill, gravely ill. I can not believe your dh is prioritising hosting bloody christmas over your health?! what is that all about?

Would he rather you keeled over? Of course you can not host, I was fine by day 4 but in no shape to host christmas, which is a whole new ballgame and you will have four or five openings and stitches, it is not exactly 'comfortable' and you will need to lie down often, and your stomach will be huge as they use gas to see inside.

Thank you PIL and tell your dh to find some empathy.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 15/11/2021 17:37

Your DH is being a dick. You know he can't do it without you, and he's making you stressed and anxious and potentially putting your recovery at risk if you have to step in to help when it shouldn't be happening in the first plsce.

Thankfully your inlaws seem sensible. Ask them to talk to him.

The New Years dinner sounds like a nice idea in lieu of a Christmas meal. Tell him he can be in charge of that one and you will expect him to prove he can do it without your help then as you'll likely still be recovering but in less pain at least.

Ozanj · 15/11/2021 17:41

Cancel. You can always meet your dad after xmas. If you’re worried about food organise a takeaway for him

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