Cancelling Christmas invitation

[Rose789]

I’ve just received an appointment for surgery to remove my gallbladder. Been waiting a long time and has already been postponed three times.
The new date is 21 December.

Normally for Christmas we host Christmas dinner for PIL, BIL and his gf, dh uncle, my dad and then me Dh and 2 kids. Everyone was invited a few weeks ago.
When the appointment came through I suggested to dh that we cancel his family coming. PIL are able to cook and have room for 5 people.
My dad is a widower and has a lot of health issues if we don’t have him for Christmas he would not see anyone or be able to cook a meal for himself.

Dh thinks now we have invited everyone we will have to suck it up and host. He is happy to do the cooking. He doesn’t think it’s fair if my dad still comes but not his family.
I love his family and if it was just the Parents coming I would just say to crack on they will understand if I’m not feeling my best. But with BIL and his girlfriend and uncle coming I will feel like I actually have to host.

Potentially I’ll be fine and able to move around after 4 days and I’ll be fine to host if dh can do the heavy lifting. But on the other hand Christmas morning will be hectic and an early start with the kids anyway.
I’ve not even spoken to the family yet and I don’t really know how long it will take to recover from the surgery - reading online seems to vary a lot.

What would you do? Cancel now so alternative plans can be made or just continue on as normal and hope it’ll be ok?

Move 'Christmas to the 19th.

That's probably not a good idea either as I imagine OP will have to take a Covid test a few days prior to admission as will probably be required to isolate at that point.

Even if you're lucky and recover relatively quickly OP, do you really want to deal with seeing a load of people a few days after your operation? Even if you aren't the one doing the cooking etc.

And then of course, if you don't bounce back immediately you're still going to be committed to having everyone in your house.

I think your husband is being very unfair putting you under pressure to have everyone there.

Having one man, your father who would otherwise be alone, on his own is completely different from having a whole crowd of people visiting.

What an arsehole

Can’t even prioritise you when you’re having surgery?

I hope he had his good points

It is perfectly fair to only invite you Dad.

This makes sure you have as little possible work and stress while you recover (fair to you). It also makes sure everyone has company on Christmas Day ( fair to all previous guests).

Your DH is an idiot.

@NoSquirrels

Move ‘Christmas’ to the 19th. Host the big family meal for everyone the weekend before.

I can understand why your DH wants everyone after last year, but it’s not reasonable after your op.

So host the weekend before and celebrate properly - that way you don’t miss out either.
Then on Christmas Day ask your dad to come & help your DH with the DC - plan a sofa & party food day with no big meal.

Why is it up to the op to facilitate the big family gathering just before surgery? Why can’t someone else sort it or they don’t meet? It’s a daft idea to go to a meet up like this just before surgery anyway because of covid.

Day 4 after mine I think I'd just managed to shower. I could barely lift the kettle, let alone hosting for Xmas. It's 'only' keyhole but it's still four separate wounds healing across your torso, on top of healing internally and the pain of the gas used in the op working it's way out.
I'm the worst patient ever so had convinced myself I'd be fine within a few days, but had to have a word with myself post op to take it slower.
You might feel fine, the op might even be postponed (mine was) but it's a heck of a gamble. Personally I'd say your household can't host other than your dad for Christmas day, but if you're feeling up to it your DH could host his side of the family coming over for a mince pies and tea/mulled wine afternoon on a different day.

Why is it up to the op to facilitate the big family gathering just before surgery? Why can’t someone else sort it or they don’t meet? It’s a daft idea to go to a meet up like this just before surgery anyway because of covid.

Fair enough on the COVID risk/isolation pre-surgery - yes, didn’t consider that.

And of course it’s not “up to the OP to facilitate” etc - but she sounded like she does actually want to host the extended family and feels conflicted about disappointing her DH.

I don’t think he’s necessarily an arsehole for not immediately cancelling and thinking it can still happen, lots of us are still feeling raw from last year’s ‘celebrations’. But I think he would be an arsehole to insist if OP puts her foot down - which she should.

Sometimes you can sweeten a blow, and sometimes an otherwise perfectly lovely partner acts like a dick. I appreciate a bit of give and take so I try to offer that in return.

But not post-surgery

@PenguinLove1

If they are in any way reasonable people as soon as you tell them about your op they should be declining to come anyway. And maybe offering to cook for you!

I dont see the issue with just your dad coming theres a huge difference between one person coming and multiple families.

Your husband is BU.

This!! I cannot fathom anyone who would hear that you are having massive surgery on 21st and still expect to come!

They should be organising themselves to be dropping food to you and offering to come and help, not wondering if their free dinner is still on offer

@watchingthedetectives

My father at 82 was up and about fairly normally 24 hours post cholecystectomy. I wouldn't cancel but would let them all know you are staying in bed ( in your swish Christmas pyjamas ) but will come down for a little lunch and glass of fizz before back to bed to rest. Don't even put yourself in a position where you might have to do something around beyond some online shopping from your bed.

I think this is a good idea - send the message round that your H will be cooking, hosting and generally responsible for everything. You'll probably get some cancellations once they've thought through what that means for the day.

And follow through - plan to stay in bed and be looked after. How old are the kids? Talk through with them in advance what you will and won't be able to do with them. So if they're very young, remind your H that he'll be child wrangling while turkey wrangling and is he REALLY sure about that?

I'd tell them all about the op, if they're decent people they'll say we'll sort ourselves out this year, particularly the younger ones. Four days after an op is still early days you may feel ill, have a reaction to anaesthetic, be tires or sick, the last thing needed is putting on a face and clothes other than PJs and have people around. I wouldn't want to be a guest in someone's home if one of them had an op, it's not right.

In my experience my dh doesn't even contemplate the possibility of not feeling right after an op/childbirth etc beforehand and then when actually in that situation is grateful I had the foresight to think ahead and cancel/change plans.

At least telling them now means they can make alternative arrangements rather than last minute. If you find you do feel ok the can always pop infor a cuppa in the afternoon.

Of course you cancel and only have your fad. Your in laws will understand

I mean, you could be fine by then. You could also pop a stitch trying to lift a 20lb turkey from the oven to the table. And you won't know till you get there...

Please cancel hosting everyone. You shouldn't be under pressure and there's lots of time for a plan B to emerge.

I had my gallbladder out last month and no way would I have had the tolerance to deal with anyone on day 4. I would expect people to be understanding of this surely?

I had my gallbladder out 10 years ago, albeit in France. I went in on the Sunday afternoon and had the op the next morning, back in the room sometime in the afternoon. It was done by keyhole surgery. Sometime either 12 or 36 hrs after the operation I decided to move to sleep on to my side. Don't!! It hurt like hell and I didn't ring for help, and it took me about half an hour to move back. I came out of hospital on the Thursday lunchtime.
I felt so much better after the op that once home I did too much, and ended up with 2 hernias on the midline. Obviously they'd not done running stitch along the muscle layers, just a couple of tacking stitches. I had to go back and see the surgeon and stay in bed for the next few days. Even now, when I get stressed I feel as if somethings 'trapped ' where the hernias were.
Don't know if anyone's said, but I couldn't wear structured waistbands for a while and needed to wear leggings.
Don't know what they'll do, but all my wounds were closed with staples. Having them taken out hurt, so take some paracetamol beforehand.

Cancel now, your DH is an idiot thinking you will be strong enough to deal with so many people even if he cooks. You may be feeling rubbish and wanting to go out of bed just to visit the toilet.

Remember, it is not only cooking that is the hassle, but preparing the house and cleaning afterwards.

He is also being petty about not wanting your dad there unless so many other people are invited. I suggest you cancel, stay home with your kids and pop up to your dad’s with dinner and children for a couple of hours.

All this tit-for-tat nonsense!

Your father is ONE person with very different circumstances.

Your DH will just have to accept that this year it's just your dad.

Have a big do at Easter

Perfectly fine to cancel in light of date for the op. I would just ask your dad over and hand out planned chores to kids and husband to ensure you can still get some rest and recovery. All the best. :)

I had mine out in early December one year and was still not right by Christmas, in fact I was rushed back in on Christmas night due to complications, and barely out in time for the new year. I’d plan as if you’re going to be in bed recovering, and if you’re up and about it’s a bonus.

I think, bearing in mind it has been cancelled previously already and purely on the basis that you might want to spend the day with them, I would make a list of everything that hosting Christmas dinner for ten involves, from the shopping, to the prep, to the topping up drinks, to the washing up. You need to make it very clear that you won’t be getting off the sofa unless you need a wee or a nap. You won’t be standing over him telling how to do stuff or keeping an eye on timings or peeling sprouts. If he thinks he can do that, then let him crack on, with the suggestion that he ropes his family in to help him.

If you’d rather have a quiet day at home, I’d have a serious chat with him about why he thinks your well-being is less important than ‘being fair’ to his side of the family. He needs to get his priorities in order, realise how ill you might feel and stop being so fucking selfish.

I am sorry I don't think you will be OK that quickly but you have a choice:

• give yourself a talking to - you don't have to help its you making yourself help - if your DH has agreed to cook - explain to everyone beforehand you've just had major surgery and won't be able to help - ask if they can help. Might help you in future years if they help this year.
• cancel. There is nothing wrong with cancelling, but if I was your DP and I had offered to cook so I could see my family and my partner said no we have to cancel because I am worried I won't let you cook and will help out...I would be a bit annoyed with you.

I would cancel because you don't know how you'll be feeling. The only way your husband steps up, is if you stayed in bed! Men lie they say they'll help. But truth is, they won't, he ll just be so used to you doing everything. He'll sit down and chat. I'd cancel and explain you'll be recovering from an operation. I'm sure your father can survive one day on his own? Send him a festive microwavable dinner and mini Xmas pudding.

I'd definitely cancel op. I had mine out this year and infelt so sore for the first weeks. I couldn't even get out of bed without someone helping me!! I was in bed for a week . I'm so glad i had it done but there's no way I would have hosted a massive event after

You can lie in bed and he can host? Make it clear to all invited that you will be doing nothing but bed rest. That way people can chose to make other plans or accept your partner’s hospitality. Stay in bed. DO NOT GET INVOLVED. Remind partner that he’ll be doing the clearing up and shopping too. Establish how much attention you’ll be needed that day so you don’t feel left out. Watch tv, have a nap and establish yourself on a sofa if you want company.

Absolutely cancel for all but your dad.

Your DH is being an ass suggesting it's unfair of your dad can come but his side can't. Your dad being frail, elderly and alone is a completely different case to his larger family who are well able to host their own Christmas.

Beyond being tired, I could have gone back to work the day after my gallbladder surgery. We are all different though. If your heart isn’t in it, definitely cancel or if you are happy to see people, tell them they are welcome but you will be on the sofa or going for a lie down if needed and don’t expect to be catering for family. They can help themselves.