Cancelling Christmas invitation

[Rose789]

I’ve just received an appointment for surgery to remove my gallbladder. Been waiting a long time and has already been postponed three times.
The new date is 21 December.

Normally for Christmas we host Christmas dinner for PIL, BIL and his gf, dh uncle, my dad and then me Dh and 2 kids. Everyone was invited a few weeks ago.
When the appointment came through I suggested to dh that we cancel his family coming. PIL are able to cook and have room for 5 people.
My dad is a widower and has a lot of health issues if we don’t have him for Christmas he would not see anyone or be able to cook a meal for himself.

Dh thinks now we have invited everyone we will have to suck it up and host. He is happy to do the cooking. He doesn’t think it’s fair if my dad still comes but not his family.
I love his family and if it was just the Parents coming I would just say to crack on they will understand if I’m not feeling my best. But with BIL and his girlfriend and uncle coming I will feel like I actually have to host.

Potentially I’ll be fine and able to move around after 4 days and I’ll be fine to host if dh can do the heavy lifting. But on the other hand Christmas morning will be hectic and an early start with the kids anyway.
I’ve not even spoken to the family yet and I don’t really know how long it will take to recover from the surgery - reading online seems to vary a lot.

What would you do? Cancel now so alternative plans can be made or just continue on as normal and hope it’ll be ok?

Dear Lord CANCEL!!!!

what a stress and a nightmare to worry about before (and after) a major op!). Someone else can host and invite you all surely?

Cancel. Your dh is being completely unreasonable. Just have your dad, that's reasonable.

Who on earth wouldn't cancel a trip at Christmas if the host had had surgery 4 days before? I do hope your PIL are reasonable and plainly see they can't come.

I can't give you any sense of recovery time as my DH's gall bladder surgery was done as an emergency but he was still in hospital 4 days after the op. You shouldn't be planning to do anything at all on Christmas Day - feet up and rest.

Absolutely cancel. I had gallbladder keyhole a few years back, it went very well however I was in bed several days later. It took a good week to be able to function, 3 weeks to feel back to normal. It’s not just the cooking on the day, it’s the prep, the shopping and the cleaning before hand. No way will it do your recovery any favours if you host. Invite your dad, but not the able- bodied others. I was also told that yes I was scheduled for keyhole, but until they get a camera in there it may be that they need to fully open you up if there is the slightest of complication. In which case you’d be in hospital for 1-2 weeks for major surgery. Your husband is a selfish prick- no way would my husband have lumped this on my doorstep when I had surgery planned.
Can’t you book a restaurant for Xmas lunch if nobody else has the space to host? I think people that are up and about as normal quickly after keyhole gallbladder surgery are the exception rather than the norm. It took a few days for the gas they pump into you to dissipate too!

On day 4 after my surgery, there is no way I could host anything. I could just about make myself a hot drink and toast - I definitely could not do roast turkey and all the trimmings. It was over 4 weeks before I was back to normal.
Be kind to yourself - you do not need to put undue stress on your body after any surgery. X

You said DH is happy to cook. Does he usually do the Christmas, the preparation, the hosting and the cooking?

I don’t think he does, otherwise he would know how much goes into it and be ringing and cancelling himself. He is BU.

I think you (household) should host you YOU should rest. If you have children that are young enough to do presents etc having family there to help with them especially when overexcited etc can actually be really helpful if you’re not well. Unless they’re horrible people they will realise you will need help and DH will be doing all the hosting so should naturally chip in. You can dip in and out of the day as you feel well enough but the kids and DH get a normal feeling of Christmas too if you end up still knackered and in bed ridden (you just don’t know how you will be!). If you’re feeling well there’s plenty of people to bring you tea and snacks and DH can cook.

So I would make DH host and be a guest in my own house and be mollycoddled. But only you know your in laws etx whether they would happen!

I mean that in a kind way please don’t think I’m being harsh! I’m a nurse so known how punishing surgery can be but equally sometimes having more people around can be a godsend to help on Christmas!

Everyone varies after an op.
I had gallbladder out, was raring to get home same day then started vomiting.
Turns out it was post op meds. I don't get along with codeine.
Was wiped out for days but I remember the dressing gave me more bother than anything, allergic reaction.
There's no way I would have wanted a house full of visitors.
My mum also had gall bladder op, due to complications they couldn't do it keyhole and she was in for days
Keep in mind the surgeon will probably say if you can't have keyhole surgery they'll go for the bigger op.
Would your DH still be happy to host everyone if you were still in hospital?

I'd explain to everyone you have been given a surgery date and will need to cancel.
Reasonable people will understand

When I had my gallbladder out, it was planned as keyhole but there were complications and they had to open me up. You have no idea what will happen or how you will feel so your DH is being totally unreasonable.

My father at 82 was up and about fairly normally 24 hours post cholecystectomy.
I wouldn't cancel but would let them all know you are staying in bed ( in your swish Christmas pyjamas ) but will come down for a little lunch and glass of fizz before back to bed to rest.
Don't even put yourself in a position where you might have to do something around beyond some online shopping from your bed.

I think you need to be realistic @Rose789. You may be ok to host 4 days later, but I really doubt it. I had my gallbladder out and it took at least a full week to be able to do anything much. It's most likely keyhole, but there is always the risk It's open Surgery. Don't put yourself under that pressure!!
Cancel everyone but your dad, and make sure DH does ALL the work.

I’ve had mine out ,I was back to normal the same day ,I had a baby to look after and was pregnant at the time so literally no rest for me

As soon as you mention it to them they should be offering to not come anyway

Exactly; it is after all what decent people do

If it's keyhole OP may just about get away with taking it very easy, but there's no guarantee of what kind of job it'll be and why take the risk of last minute angst?

Sometimes you have to put yourself first, and this is that time.

I wouldn’t want to host after that OP. I think your husband is being unfair

Another suggestion is that you go to stay with your dad, and let DH have all his relatives over.

No way should you have the stress of hosting a hoard. Even if you are allowed to stay in bed, it will not be relaxing for you.

Your DH does know what surgery means doesn't he? As in an invasive medical procedure?

Everyone reacts differently to surgery. Some people are up in hours and fine, others are out for weeks. ALWAYS plan as if you will be out for weeks. If your "D"H still doesn't understand the implications of having surgery then direct him to a conversation with your Consultant who can spell it out in layman's terms for him.

Oh, and of course don't host your PIL. If "D"H whines about it then tell him to fuck off to his parents and leave you and you and your dad to it. Put your FOOT down OP, you are having a significant operation which will likely change your life, especially if you are in constant pain!!!

Move ‘Christmas’ to the 19th. Host the big family meal for everyone the weekend before.

I can understand why your DH wants everyone after last year, but it’s not reasonable after your op.

So host the weekend before and celebrate properly - that way you don’t miss out either.
Then on Christmas Day ask your dad to come & help your DH with the DC - plan a sofa & party food day with no big meal.

Don't move Christmas to before your op, if you leave it until after you can stuff your face with anything you like and it won't set your gallbladder pain off 😂😂

I would just invite your Dad round, due to his circumstances, and tell your Husband to be realistic, and stop being wimpy about the rest of the people in his family. Most people would normally understand your predicament, after a hospital operation..

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

I was on a night out 4 days after my surgery, my friend could hardly move 4 days after hers. It varies a lot.

The best thing to do would be to cancel, maybe arrange another dinner with his family in January.

The situation with your dad and his family is completely different.

This ^^ You have no idea how you'll be after the surgery, you could bedbound.

Better to let everyone know now so they can make other arrangements for Christmas Day. Or perhaps they'll offer to make dinner themselves and bring it over to you?!

I’d cancel the Christmas Day extravaganza and PENCIL in a gathering on Boxing Day, a buffet etc just in case you get cancelled again and at least it’s a get together but if the op goes ahead, why wouldn’t someone else offer to host YOU if you’re up to it

You know the players in this scenario, hopefully MIL will see sense and cancel,

I think your h is putting his family feelings above your health and comfort. That’d be a difficult hurdle for me to get over.

Don’t cancel that appointment, it’s like gold dust! Defo cancel Christmas first

My mum had her gall bladder op, years ago now, it was postponed for a month due to complications by the time it came around she felt REALLY bad, don’t even think of putting the op off, put this operation before everyone and everything