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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling Christmas invitation

148 replies

Rose789 · 14/11/2021 13:31

I’ve just received an appointment for surgery to remove my gallbladder. Been waiting a long time and has already been postponed three times.
The new date is 21 December.

Normally for Christmas we host Christmas dinner for PIL, BIL and his gf, dh uncle, my dad and then me Dh and 2 kids. Everyone was invited a few weeks ago.
When the appointment came through I suggested to dh that we cancel his family coming. PIL are able to cook and have room for 5 people.
My dad is a widower and has a lot of health issues if we don’t have him for Christmas he would not see anyone or be able to cook a meal for himself.

Dh thinks now we have invited everyone we will have to suck it up and host. He is happy to do the cooking. He doesn’t think it’s fair if my dad still comes but not his family.
I love his family and if it was just the Parents coming I would just say to crack on they will understand if I’m not feeling my best. But with BIL and his girlfriend and uncle coming I will feel like I actually have to host.

Potentially I’ll be fine and able to move around after 4 days and I’ll be fine to host if dh can do the heavy lifting. But on the other hand Christmas morning will be hectic and an early start with the kids anyway.
I’ve not even spoken to the family yet and I don’t really know how long it will take to recover from the surgery - reading online seems to vary a lot.

What would you do? Cancel now so alternative plans can be made or just continue on as normal and hope it’ll be ok?

OP posts:
bigbluebus · 14/11/2021 13:53

On the basis that your surgery could be cancelled again, I wouldn't cancel Christmas but I would make it clear now to all those invited that if you have had surgery, you won't be doing any entertaining and they need to help out your DH with the catering and entertaining your DCs. Draw up a jobs list or get them to bring stuff prepared at home.
My DH had his gall bladder out a few years back and apart from not being allowed to lift anything for 6 weeks or drive for 7-10 days you would never have known he'd had surgery.

Hockeyboysmum · 14/11/2021 13:53

Definitely cancel. Maybr suggest you host a new year dinner instead?

Returnoftheowl · 14/11/2021 13:54

I'd find it concerning if my DH appeared to be completely unbothered about my health/recovery time and was only focusing on what he and his family want. That is extremely selfish behaviour and would make me look at him in a different light.

You do Christmas every year... Time for someone else to step up.

FatCatThinCat · 14/11/2021 13:57

And it's not even just hosting on day 4 is it. You have all the preparation and planning, the shopping, the getting guest ready, moving the furniture around etc.

GoGoGretaDoll · 14/11/2021 13:57

He's putting his social embarrassment before your health - not on, really.

And it's entirely different hosting one single person who would otherwise be on their own.

I'd call MIL - if she's anything like me, she'll immediately offer to host the whole thing including your family and your Dad. That's what Christmas is all about - mucking in. If you'd rather not accept that (admittedly completely hypothetical) invitation then it's fine to still have your dad over.

DH still has to cook though.

DiamondBright · 14/11/2021 13:57

Absolutely cancel, no reason your ddad can't still come but just be clear you won't be doing the usual full Christmas so no one is missing out.

It's too close to Christmas, you may be ok but having a house full of guests expecting to be hosted is another matter, there's no way you're going to sit back and leave DH to it even if he genuinely wants to. Your MIL will be fussing around helping her poor boy who's been left to cook Christmas dinner on his own and is a brave hero to be admired .... nope, nightmare.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/11/2021 13:58

Cancel and still invite your dad. It's not the same if you still invite him, if he would be on his own otherwise. Your in laws would he having their same xmas just in a different place

FitAt50 · 14/11/2021 14:01

I had my gallbladder out last November and was back at work 2 days later as felt fine. Its very small keyhold surgery and I had no pain.

billy1966 · 14/11/2021 14:02

@Samanabanana

4 days post gallbladder removal I could still barely walk or get out of bed. And I say that as someone who's had two c sections and was up on my feet 24 hours after those surgeries. I would cancel and not feel bad about it Flowers
Absolutely this.

Your husband is a bit of an ass to be honest.

That is a big surgery and you do not need to be even vaguely thinking of others.

Stop discussing it and TELL him that you are cancelling and your father will still come as he is on your own.

I despair on this thread at what women have to put up with.

The utter selfishness of your husband insisting on this when you are facing surgery.

I would be appalled at his focus being so clearly on others rather than you.

God help you.

The best of luck with the surgery.

JustLyra · 14/11/2021 14:04

Are they likely to pitch in?

If they are speak to them and then everyone can look after you, and if you are unwell they can be company for your dad.

If they won’t then cancel.

Feedingthebirds1 · 14/11/2021 14:06

Christmas is nearly seven weeks away. They have time to prepare and plan for a Christmas Day on their own, it's not like you've sprung it on them on Christmas Eve. And the bleedin' obvious is that there'll be five of them to have Christmas Day together. Not comparable to being on your own. Your DH is being very unfair saying that you have to host five people from his side in order to have one from yours.

(And why is it on you to host every year anyway? Why does no-one else take a turn?)

lunarlandscape · 14/11/2021 14:07

Cancel and have a quiet Christmas. People will understand.

Chloemol · 14/11/2021 14:08

Cancel. I had mine out, keyhole, I wouldn’t be up to host

Fredstheteds · 14/11/2021 14:12

Cancel Christmas- get your gallbladder out and stay quiet. Had mine out 5 years ago and no way I would have been fit for Christmas or to eat it. You can celebrate later.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/11/2021 14:13

Activity on your part will massively increase the risk of a hernia on the incision site . You need to be resting 4 days after the op. You shouldn't be doing anything at call, not lifting a kettle even, for a good few weeks.
Please protect yourself.
DH had a decade of problems following keyhole gall bladder removal, necessitating repeated repairs, and I suspect it was because he did too much too soon.
Give yourself time to heal.
Only invite people who will help.
And make sure you schedule in a good long nap in bed for yourself.
You may well be told that you can resume normal life within days but that's just not true. You might feel ok but it is still major surgery.

Original poster
Rose789 · 14/11/2021 14:14

Thanks everyone.
It’s just such shit timing after that disaster of 2020 where plans got changed left right and centre everyone was looking forward to a proper family Christmas.
It’s Sod’s law I’ll cancel everyone and then be absolutely fine. Or I don’t cancel and then end up being poorly all day.
PIL don’t have the room to host 9 people.
I’ll speak to PIL tonight. Hopefully they will suggest cancelling and hosting their side so I don’t look like the bad bugger.

OP posts:
HappySonHappyMum · 14/11/2021 14:15

I had my gallbladder out and was still in hospital 48 hours later, took a week to be able to move around properly. Had digestive issues and needed to visit the loo frequently until my insides had settled down. Cancel it - you will need alot of rest and still be in pain.

JumperandJacket · 14/11/2021 14:18

Have your dad and cancel the rest. They can work out their own arrangements. Your DH is being unreasonable.

fairislecable · 14/11/2021 14:20

Instead of cancelling just readjust, have your DF around for festive meal on the 19th. He can choose what he wants to do on the 25th.

The PIL etc should change to accommodate you and should host on the 25th.

That way if you are unwell on the day nobody is inconvenienced.

Just because you always do it doesn’t mean you should.

BellaVita · 14/11/2021 14:22

Cancel the invitation.

My colleague had her gallbladder out last year by keyhole surgery. She was insisting that she would be back to work in a couple of days 🙄. She ended up having 4 weeks off and was in bed the first week.

Your DH should be backing you.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 14/11/2021 14:24

Invite your father, cancel everyone else.

I'm surprised your DH is suggesting anything else.

CaptainHammer · 14/11/2021 14:24

Cancel. If they are decent people they’ll understand.

fuckweasel · 14/11/2021 14:26

I was still in hospital four days after my 'straightforward keyhole surgery' turned out to be anything but. I know lots of people for who were up and about after a couple of days, but several who had complications.

ancientgran · 14/11/2021 14:27

I think I'd spend the day in bed recovering. Let them get on with it.

Carrotca · 14/11/2021 14:27

Please cancel if you feel its the right thing. I know its completely different but I had a miscarriage 2 days before Christmas, we were hosting. It was terrible and I really didn't feel up to it. I just wanted everyone to go home!! Please do what's right for you