This is a bit of a vent and will be long!!
As per the title, I really don’t want my in laws visiting and it’s causing rows with dh. I can’t work out whether I should just suck it up on the few occasions they visit or say I really don’t want it at the moment.
Back story is they live around 2 hours away so they visit once every three months or so. This means that when they make the journey they are here all day. All sodding day. With me making them a constant stream of hot drinks and feeding them while they basically make a mess for me to sort out when they leave. I could tolerate this but after recent events I just don’t want to anymore. I’m 30 weeks pregnant, feel ill and tired most of the time and I just don’t see why I should.
Dh’s dad died when husband was a teenager and his mum remarried her long term partner a few years ago. Not one of mil’s children like this man. She hasn’t seen her youngest son for over a year because he won’t visit due to her husband. He doesn’t like mil’s adult daughter still living with them and makes sil’s life difficult because she hasn’t been able to move out yet for personal reasons. There was a period in the summer where sil discovered he had been using her toothbrush to clean shit off the toilet. Just to add, I get on with sil and she is welcome here! The children love her and she’s brilliant with them. I haven’t got anything bad to say about her.
Both of my children have autism. One is non verbal and developmentally delayed, the other is developmentally delayed but verbal and in mainstream school with support. We visited them in the summer while we were on holiday near there home. Mil had promised ds that she would help him build a craft kit... all good. When we get there ds excitedly gets it out only for sfil to tell ds he doesn’t want that open in his house. Dh has a word with mil about how excited he’s been about it (it’s not a messy craft, it’s a kit where you put a spinosaurus together) and she agrees. Sfil clearly annoyed (likes to believe he’s the man of the house and what he says goes) then proceeds to basically take the piss out of ds not being able to say spinosaurus correctly because he has a speech impediment caused by his autism. Both me and dh are furious and decide to get some air and go for a walk inviting mil but making it clear we want some space from her husband. She joins us for the walk only for sfil to appear 30 minutes later. Clearly she has told him to come meet us. I was already somewhat annoyed because we were supposed to be staying for dinner but there are very few foods the kids will eat. Dh had spoken to her in advance asking if she’d pick up some of the particular chips they will both eat, turkey dinosaurs and strawberries. She did not because surely they can just eat something from the freezer. I provide food for them every time they visit and make sure it’s food that they will eat as they are both fussy. I was quite offended by this.
Recently I’ve discovered that every time they visit sfil badmouths our parenting all the way home. Criticising us for the fact our children still use a dummy at bed time, that they won’t eat ‘normal’ foods, etc, and basically thinks it’s our fault and they are just spoilt. He won’t let mil visit on her own because he is unable to cook and she needs to be with him to provide his meals. When they do visit he sits on his arse and falls asleep on the sofa for the duration. Only waking up to tell ds off for still needing a dummy ‘like a baby’.
It’s so difficult because mil isn’t a bad person as such. She’s a pushover and will agree to whatever her husband wants for an easy life. It’s like he’s ground everything out of her and she no longer has opinions or wants of her own. The atmosphere in the house is awful. Sfil strops and causes an atmosphere if anybody other than him is in the living room because he’s the man and that’s his room. He strops if he isn’t in control of the television, believes the women of the house should run around after him. It’s awful. Dh took ds to visit them the summer of 2020 when lockdown was briefly lifted to be informed when he arrived that they weren’t allowed in the house and would have to stay in the garden. If he had known that he wouldn’t have bothered!
They are due a visit and I just can’t face it. They also come down every Boxing Day which I will just have to accept for the sake of family harmony. What I’m really dreading is them visiting once the baby is born. Last time they stayed for hours, didn’t lift a finger and managed to grind play doh into the newly laid carpet. The play doh was unopened for very good reason! I don’t know what possessed them!
Dh knows they are beyond useless, will admit that it massively upsets him that his own mother won’t offer any practical help and is passive in the face of sfil but insists it’s still his mother. I know realistically I can’t not let them come down as much as I’d love to. I’m just worried that sfil is going to get worse as the kids get older and the autism isn’t ‘cured’! 
I also don’t want to ban mil as such because she really isn’t a bad person. She just will not stand up to her husband.
I guess I’m asking Aibu to feel this way? What do I do!?