Playdate étiquette - are dads automatically invited too?

[immersivereader]

I often organise a playdate at the park for the kids at the weekend. This is always with another mum from school.

A lot of the time, the dad comes along too. Even if it's with different families. I find it really odd? I would never expect DH to come with me to the park on a playdate with another woman.

What do you think? Is that the norm these days?

I always feel a bit 🙄when one of the mums asks if partners are coming. I’m in a group of mum friends with toddlers and we might arrange a playground meet up at the weekend, in my head I just sort of assume is just us mums. Of course it’s fine for partners to come along, but tbh Dp would much rather have a break at home for a couple of hours than come along with a group of mums. I notice if one says their partner is busy, the majority don’t bring, but if a few are coming, I bring Dp along too.
It’s a little different with parties/days out etc or lunches, where we might go out in a four. Admittedly I do wonder about the ones who always have their dp’s there at all times, just a bit odd 🤷🏻‍♀️

@RebeccaCloud9

Why are there so many posts saying it's sexist or why aren't dads allowed to take their children out or I work so it would need to be their dad. That isn't the point the OP is making! The point is that she has organised a play for the kids with another mum and the dad comes along AS WELL.

I'm still failing to see the point. It's a play date for the kids. Not a date for the mums. If I invite my son's friend to do something, it doesn't even cross my mind which parent (or both) would be there. Cos it's irrelevant!

tbh Dp would much rather have a break at home for a couple of hours than come along with a group of mums

Mine too!

The park is a public place, so I wouldn't have assumed it was an exclusive invite.

That said, I don't really get both parents atte ding things for the dc - I can't imagine missing up the opportunity for some quiet time if dp was taking the dc out. I wouldn't have thought twice about sending him to supervise a playdate in my place though.

@Comedycook I don’t get which ones wouldn’t 🤣😅

@closedown but is it irrelevant though? You are still arranging to spend time with another adult. I wouldn't care which parent dropped their child off/picked up from a playdate at my house where just the child stayed, but the type of playdate where the kids (remember ops kids are 5 and 8, not toddlers) go off and play and the parents are there to supervise, you do stand around chatting for the whole time. So why shouldn't these playdates also be a time for the parents to spend time with other parents who they want to spend time with? ie the person they arranged it with, not the other parent (male or female)!

[quote RebeccaCloud9]@closedown but is it irrelevant though? You are still arranging to spend time with another adult. I wouldn't care which parent dropped their child off/picked up from a playdate at my house where just the child stayed, but the type of playdate where the kids (remember ops kids are 5 and 8, not toddlers) go off and play and the parents are there to supervise, you do stand around chatting for the whole time. So why shouldn't these playdates also be a time for the parents to spend time with other parents who they want to spend time with? ie the person they arranged it with, not the other parent (male or female)![/quote]
Cos the playdate is arranged for the kids. I don't care which parent is there to make awkward small talk with. If I was close enough friends with the mum that it would make any difference, then I'd be close enough to not care if she brought her husband with her. If I wanted special one-on-one time I'd ask for it.

No I wouldn't bring another adult on a playdate unless the other person said they were bringing a partner

I think this thread just proves that different people expect different things, so nobody should expect the other to do exactly as they please if they haven't specified that.

Chances are OP's invitee had no idea it mattered to OP.

One of my exes did it with his wife/kids.

He didn't want her to have female friends where he couldn't control the narrative - and was determined that he would be seen as the primary parent if they were to split up. Poor bloody woman never had an unsupervised conversation other than when she was at work - and he insisted upon driving her there in her car, taking it away with him and then picking her up afterwards, thus reducing the opportunities even further.

I'd suspected when we were together that there was something off, as he was furious at the thought that a woman might want to go to an antenatal appointment alone, never mind give birth without the father being able to make choices that affected his birth experience. But he was also the type who insisted that he suffered worse morning sickness than the poor sap who was in hospital with HG but 'nobody lets me spend a fortnight in bed on a drip' and that breastfeeding was excluding men.

So glad I didn't marry him.

Dads are parents too. If you want to get to know “mum” arrange a lunch or evening out with her specifically. For a play day dates are perfectly entitled to attend.

I'd assume the "playdate" was for the kids to play together so I'd see nothing wrong me and my DH both going along. If the woman wanted to see me as a friend she'd ask to go somewhere with me, like for a coffee or to the shops or a pub or whatever...?

This is what I would assume too, but 'playdate' is something that has come in since mine were little.
The OP isn't talking about toddlers, she is talking about school age dc. Now, surely the point of having someone over to play (or, in this case to the park), is for your child to have someone to play with, other than their siblings. I personally wouldn't expect either adult to be there, let alone both. Parent of child A invites a mate to play one week, then, on another occasion, gets a few hours peace whilst parents of child B invites her child to do something with them, or go round to their house. As a working parents, I didn't have time to make small talk whilst 8 yr olds or 5 yr olds played with a friend in the park - one of us would take all our dc, or we would do the invite friends sometimes and have other parents invite friends other times. If it were "chat with an adult" I was after, I'd arrange to go out with one of my friends, without the dc one day.

I personally wouldn't care because the playdate is for the child. I am good friends with my youngest's friend's parents though so it wouldn't be a burden to me. Equally, I am very used to the Dad's being sent along as the Mum's are doing other stuff, I will equally do this with my DH who sometimes meets the Mum/Mums for a park playdate. I regularly just go with the Dads to the park, the pub garden in the summer as they are the ones who collect the DC from school, I am the only Mum in the friendship group that does school pick up. I have nights out with the Mums and it is just about us as friends not our DC and playdates.

@Pokemonpoolparty

I presume that play dates are for the kids to play together. So it would be whichever parent was available willing to sit through it who would attend.

If you wanna catch up with the mums, organise something without the kids.

This^

I work m-f flexi but also work overtime (saving for house things). DH works shifts. If it's a play date for the kids it would depend on which parent is available. Because it's not our social time, it's DS's social time. Though I do give a heads up to the parent of the child if it will be me or DH.

If it's a play date where I will be catching up with my friend as well, I will organise it in my free time and DH will either stay at home or be at work. Because that is for me to socialise as well as DS.

For older children, you wouldn't expect the other child's parent to be there. For younger children, you do have to socialise with the other parent to a certain degree unless it's a big group playdate so I would be a bit if someone other than the person I'd arranged it with turned up with no warning. If it's not to socialise with them, presumably it's ok to ignore the other parent and leave them in the corner while you get on with things (which would feel very rude to me!).

I’d assume a play date invitation was for my child, rather than me, so it wouldn’t matter which parent brought them.

I'd take dh as it's his time to spend with kids plus means I can catch up easier. During week would probably just be me.

@Dropcloth

What on earth is a ‘male play date’, *@OnlyFoolsnMothers*?

A play date when the children involved are all male? A play date where the sex of the children is irrelevant, but only fathers accompany them?

DS’s friendship groups is only boys, but that doesn’t have any effect on which parent or parents bring them to the park.

No I mean a dad play date- I have two girls ffs- my husband is perfectly capable of taking the kids out with his friends without me

@donquixotedelamancha

Oh you think abusive partners are funny?!

Yes, that's definitely what I meant.

You are entirely reasonable to suggest that couples who sometimes attend playdates together are abusive, so i can't possibly be laughing at you.

It’s not sometimes that is raising eyebrows