Playdate étiquette - are dads automatically invited too?

[immersivereader]

I often organise a playdate at the park for the kids at the weekend. This is always with another mum from school.

A lot of the time, the dad comes along too. Even if it's with different families. I find it really odd? I would never expect DH to come with me to the park on a playdate with another woman.

What do you think? Is that the norm these days?

I think a play date at a public place is fair game for siblings and partners to come. We do everything together as a family on the weekend so unless it was in your house or specifically the girls getting together, I would probably bring my DH along as he would enjoy playing with the kids and chatting with my friends. It works for us

Depends on the circumstances. A group playdate, maybe. Meeting up with my friends and their children or having them round to the house - probably not, unless I'm also friends with the DH.

Surely it's 2 separate things.

If you have arranged to meet the other mum then no, don't bring husband.

But a play date is exactly that, a date for play, for the kids, not aimed for the parents.

A weekend is family time to get out and about, chance for dad to see his kids playing with their friends and having fun.

What’s your wording when organising?

Is it: want to grab a coffee and catch up about X topic while the kids run around? (Ie let’s be friends and our kids will play together allowing us the time to be friends)

or

Want to get the kids together for a run-around? (Child-focused, thus any parent is likely to come along to supervise)

I'd say in the week it's Mums, weekend it's families. Unless you're a single parent inviting other single ostentatious or Mums who you know are on their own all weekend with the DC.

I have one child who is scared of nothing and throws themselves off high things so needs an adult to catch them. And one child who is a massive wimps and freaks out and needs lifting down from things. I know lots of families with young kids in the same position (kids need pushed on the swings or lifted onto zip wire etc). Its fine with only one parent but it's often easier with two so either way is fine with me

We do everything together as a family on the weekend

This would be so tedious for me

@Pokemonpoolparty

I presume that play dates are for the kids to play together. So it would be whichever parent was available willing to sit through it who would attend.

If you wanna catch up with the mums, organise something without the kids.

This. The confusion seems to be from people whose social lives are mixed up with their children’s. This is our DS, who is young enough to not be able to go to the park alone, wanting to see his friends, who are also young enough to need to be accompanied — either one of us will go. It will have been arranged via a WhatsApp group that all his friends’ parents are on, and whoever of the kids’ parents is free will show up.

I do in fact like all these people, though am closer to one mother and one father out of the lot, but I would arrange to go for a drink with them separately — I’m not asking a specific parent on a play date.

Neither would I be surprised if both showed up. We all get on, and we’re all busy during the week, and don’t see a lot of our kids.

Surely it depends how you've weirded the invitation. If it's focused on the children getting together, then the parent is really there to facilitate the children socialising which can be either parent/both according to whatever suits them.

If on the other hand you've focused the invitation on the Mum - then yes it's weird.

But the fact that you've described it on here as arranging a playdate definitely puts it in the first category so absolutely not weird

@saraclara

I thought play dates were kid centred? In which case it doesn't matter which parent brings them. If it's actually just an reason to meet up with a friend, then don't call it a play date. Call it meeting for a chat.

This. Are you arranging for your kids to meet their friends, or a chance for you to meet your friends?

My definition of a play date is for the kids to play- that I agree with. The mum isn’t my friend, all we have in common is kids that get on- I make polite small talk, to make that with one parent is bearable just, 2 parents is more effort.
I do wonder though if all of you who are never apart at the weekend, do you all go to the supermarket ? Do you and your husbands not have any friends or hobbies separate to “family life”?

My DH comes to most play dates, the weekend is family time and that includes him!

We do everything together as a family on the weekend

This would be so tedious for me

I know it's difficult to imagine but many people enjoy the company of their OHs.

I find it a bit odd that your play dates are really arranged for you to spend time with other mums - why not just go for a coffee or a drink with them sans kids? Women (mostly) spend enough time wrangling kids during the week, so another pair of hands is always welcome at the weekends; and if the other parent is usually at work during the week why wouldn't they want to come along and get some fresh air and watch their kids play in the park? I would never randomly bring my DH to a social event with another woman if he wasn't explicitly invited, but a play date in a park is a totally different scenario.

A lot of the time, the dad comes along too. Even if it's with different families. I find it really odd? I would never expect DH to come with me to the park on a playdate with another woman.
Shocking! A man parenting his children. It ought not to be allowed, log it with 101 at once.

@donquixotedelamancha

We do everything together as a family on the weekend

This would be so tedious for me

I know it's difficult to imagine but many people enjoy the company of their OHs.

I know it's difficult to imagine but many people enjoy doing things by themselves or with friends. My DH would get mightily pissed off if he had to accompany me everywhere on a weekend and vice versa

@SirGawain

A lot of the time, the dad comes along too. Even if it's with different families. I find it really odd? I would never expect DH to come with me to the park on a playdate with another woman. Shocking! A man parenting his children. It ought not to be allowed, log it with 101 at once.

Twisting words much?! Works vice versa too- my husband goes on male play dates, he can be left alone!

i know it's difficult to imagine but many people enjoy the company of their OHs sounds like the words of an abusive partner, “going out with friends, don’t you like me”…perhaps all these women need men to drive

It’s because it’s at the weekend.
I’d ask DH if he wanted to come. I wouldn’t assume it was just an invite for me. The reason I’d do it at the weekend rather then ‘a family day out’? Because my kids love a play date of any description on any day of the week! It’s good company for them.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

i know it's difficult to imagine but many people enjoy the company of their OHs sounds like the words of an abusive partner, “going out with friends, don’t you like me”…perhaps all these women need men to drive

Ha! Exactly. Both of us are perfectly able to do things separately at the weekend...I thought that was normal

In my children’s classes it’s rare for only one parent to go to weekend park meet-ups. People seem to be more about the whole family getting to know each other.
I don’t think you really invite someone else to a public space, you just arrange to be there at the same time. The same rules as a play date at home don’t apply.

Wierd. I've been to playdates in the park with mums, dad's, both, even grandparents. There's usually a few kids and parents there after school in the summer. What about if kids best friend is a single dad?
However, if it was a playdate in a house its drop and run. If you want to meet a mum pal you need to specify.

@Comedycook

I don't get this obsession with "family time". Doesn't mean we're all joined at the hip all weekend. Honestly if I said to dh, I'm meeting Jane in the park with the kids, do you want to come? He'd be totally and wouldn't come along

Not so much an obsession, we just like to spend time together on weekends. Plus we have a younger child who also likes the playground so it’s nice to have my DH come to keep an eye on the little one while I chat to the other mom.

I view playdates as for the kids so sometimes one of us will go - would often be my DH - and sometimes both. But I gather that some people view them as more for the adults to chat - you might want to try and make that clear is that how you see it. I think there are ways to do that "I would really like to chat more about blah blah with you - how about we do that while the kids play at the playground on Saturday"

i know it's difficult to imagine but many people enjoy the company of their OHs

sounds like the words of an abusive partner

Finally! It's not usually 70 posts in before someone suggests the fella is abusive.

I've got a line, I just need 'log it with 101', 'the husband fancies you' and 'penguin bollards' for house.

Don't suppose they parked over someone's drive for the playdate, OP?