Playdate étiquette - are dads automatically invited too?

[immersivereader]

I often organise a playdate at the park for the kids at the weekend. This is always with another mum from school.

A lot of the time, the dad comes along too. Even if it's with different families. I find it really odd? I would never expect DH to come with me to the park on a playdate with another woman.

What do you think? Is that the norm these days?

@Landof

I think you are being unreasonable and sexist.

Not sexiest at all- my husband does dad play dates, I don’t need to tag along!

@Comedycook

I don't get this obsession with "family time". Doesn't mean we're all joined at the hip all weekend. Honestly if I said to dh, I'm meeting Jane in the park with the kids, do you want to come? He'd be totally and wouldn't come along

I agree- there’s 12 + awake hrs in a day- so a dad is away from his child for 1.5hrs, what monumental milestone is he meant to miss. I love it when my husband takes the kids out without me, I can do other things!

@SickAndTiredAgain

Depends on the specific dynamic I think. If you and another mum are really good friends and have arranged to meet for coffee, and take the kids to the playground then I’d agree it’s a little odd for a partner to come. But if it’s more kid focused, and the adults socialising is just sort of incidental, then I’d say it’s more normal for dads to come. Why shouldn’t they.

Can’t really become good friends with another mum if the husband is always there- feels like it’s their family trip and you’re tagging along

I knew one family where the dad went along to everything - every children’s party, the works. It was odd. The idea (by the time they’re at school) is that parties are a way for kids to get together, surely? Not some grand jamboree en famille.

DH works away during the week, so yep weekends are his time. It would be rare for me to take the kids away for a large proportion of the day.

Eh, sometimes we tag team weekends so we each get a break, but sometimes we go out as a threesome because DD likes family time and so do we – even on play dates. I don’t think it’s weird for dads to come along unless you’ve sent texts/invitations saying “Mum-only play date, one parent per child please” (which would be weird in itself).

At the weekend lots of people spend time as a family, both dads and mums? I suppose my perspective would why is it assumed dad isn't included?

^^
Fiar enough, but why bother agreeing to the playdate with the friend then? (I. E. Me?)
Just have a family day out?

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

DH works away during the week, so yep weekends are his time. It would be rare for me to take the kids away for a large proportion of the day.

What’s a “large proportion”?

I think it depends on whether it is mums meeting up at somewhere the kids can play. OR a playmate for the kids where the parents are supervisors.

The latter at the weekend you would likely get my DH only...

If I arranged a play date and wasn't good friends with the mum, I'd expect either or both parents to come. If I was good friends with mum I'd expect mum or both to come.

I don't think it's odd.

Whats odd about a parent taking their child to a playdate or a party?

I thought play dates were kid centred? In which case it doesn't matter which parent brings them. If it's actually just an reason to meet up with a friend, then don't call it a play date. Call it meeting for a chat.

@Simonjt

Whats odd about a parent taking their child to a playdate or a party?

Big difference between a party and a playdate imo. I assume playdates are also social occasions for the parents so one mum with another mum AND dad would change the dynamic.

“Mum-only play date, one parent per child please” (which would be weird in itself).
^

Exactly! I'm not gonna say 'Oh, Chris isn't invited by that way'

Seems a bit odd

Very surprised no one things it’s controlling- if a man went to every mum meet up with a woman it would raise a red flag- I love my children but I don’t savour every park trip- we do about 330 a year!

@Comedycook The whole point of a playdate is for the children to play, it isn’t a jolly for the parents, complete opposite usually!

Can’t really become good friends with another mum if the husband is always there- feels like it’s their family trip and you’re tagging along
Oh, I disagree but perhaps because DD is a very physical daredevil intent on availing herself of every opportunity to injure herself or die. If I’m at the playground with a mum friend, conversation goes:

“Tell me about the new job— no, come down! Hang on, mum friend, I’m just—“

And I never hear anything or say anything or complete a sentence because she’s up a tree or bleeding or dangling upside down from a swing or whatever.

But if DP comes, I get an in-depth chat, even a coffee, while he runs around after her. And vice versa.

Depends on kids ages? We’ll all go to the park as a family if meeting other parents even if it’s just mums - my two (3 and 5) always head off to different parts of the park, the 3 year old is a daredevil and I’d never be able to speak to anyone if I was there alone!

I would never expect DH to come with me to the park on a playdate with another woman.

THAT is the weird bit. It could be either parent accompanying a child on a playdate, whichever you arranged it with. Both wanting to watch and play with their kids is quite normal.

but why bother agreeing to the playdate with the friend then?

Because their child wants to play with yours. Am I missing something here?

@immersivereader

“Mum-only play date, one parent per child please” (which would be weird in itself). ^

Exactly! I'm not gonna say 'Oh, Chris isn't invited by that way'

Seems a bit odd

You obviously see it as a chance to catch up with the Mum.

They see it as a play date for the kids.

I'm confused by the concept of "often organising playdates in the park at the weekend"

How old are the dc ?

^

5 and 8

Can’t really become good friends with another mum if the husband is always there

Perhaps, but then I’d think that maybe the issue is around how the play date is being viewed. You’re viewing it as an opportunity to get to know another mum better, make friends etc. They’re viewing it as supervising while their child plays with a friend in the playground. Neither are wrong, just different interpretations of the purpose of arranging for the children to play.

I'd find it weird if dads weren't allowed. This would also pretty much prevent my DD from having playdates as I am the main breadwinner with long hours and DH is part-time working around her schedule so most likely to take her to playdates.

YANBU. Dad? Spending time with the kids? He should either be working or having his deserved rest after a long week at work!! Playdates (and school runs, homework, housekeeping etc) are the Mum’s job.

(Ie YABU)

I wouldn't say going to the park is a playmate. It's a chance for families to meet up in the park.

Wouldn't expect both parents to go to a house, when would just drop the child off for a playmate.

But going to the park and expecting a parent to say. Then both going completely normal