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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Playdate étiquette - are dads automatically invited too?

144 replies

immersivereader · 13/11/2021 19:30

I often organise a playdate at the park for the kids at the weekend. This is always with another mum from school.

A lot of the time, the dad comes along too. Even if it's with different families. I find it really odd? I would never expect DH to come with me to the park on a playdate with another woman.

What do you think? Is that the norm these days?

OP posts:
Alwayswonderedwhy · 13/11/2021 20:35

At the weekend I'd guess they're fitting the playdate in between family stuff so wouldn't be surprised the dad was there.

hotmeatymilk · 13/11/2021 20:37

Finally! It's not usually 70 posts in before someone suggests the fella is abusive.
Grin The mum has dementia and forgot the dad wasn’t invited. None of them took their shoes off inside either!

SarahAndQuack · 13/11/2021 20:39

@immersivereader

I often organise a playdate at the park for the kids at the weekend. This is always with another mum from school.

A lot of the time, the dad comes along too. Even if it's with different families. I find it really odd? I would never expect DH to come with me to the park on a playdate with another woman.

What do you think? Is that the norm these days?

I would feel very odd if DP came without an invitation, or if I went along somewhere she'd been invited. However, I would probably ask if she could come, and often, we would try to make sure we either both went or alternated, for a regular or semi-regular meet-up.

We wouldn't just show up as a couple, though - that's weird.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/11/2021 20:41

@donquixotedelamancha

i know it's difficult to imagine but many people enjoy the company of their OHs

sounds like the words of an abusive partner

Finally! It's not usually 70 posts in before someone suggests the fella is abusive.

I've got a line, I just need 'log it with 101', 'the husband fancies you' and 'penguin bollards' for house.

Don't suppose they parked over someone's drive for the playdate, OP?

Oh you think abusive partners are funny?! Not allowing your partner to independently take the children out ever, that’s controlling- look it up
WimpoleHat · 13/11/2021 20:43

I know it's difficult to imagine but many people enjoy the company of their OHs.

And that’s fine. So do I. That’s why I’d tend not to arrange a play date for a weekend and we would turn down a party invitation if we had plans to do something as a family. And once in a while, if a DH tags along as a plus one? No problem. If the dad brings the kid to a party? Totally fair enough. But every single time is very odd. The family I referred to upthread (they turned up as a family to everything) caused many an eye roll. If you’re hosting a party for a child, it’s for the benefit of the kids, not as the big weekend trip for the parents. (The chap in question here used to scoff huge amounts of the kids’ food as well….😂)

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 13/11/2021 20:45

I’d assume dad would be welcome at a play meet up in the park at the weekend.

I think your attitude is unusual.

Comedycook · 13/11/2021 20:45

Not allowing your partner to independently take the children out ever, that’s controlling- look it up

Wel yeah I can't imagine planning to meet a friend and their kids or just go out by myself with the kids and my DH to start whining about "family time". It's controlling at worst and pathetic at best

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 13/11/2021 20:51

“oh men are so bad at getting involved in family life”

“oh no, men turn up at the park with their own children the complete weirdos”

Dishwashersaurous · 13/11/2021 20:51

It seems that you want the playmate in order to chat to the parents, otherwise what does it matter if the dad turns up.

You'd be better off suggesting class drinks for an evening and then people can actually chat without children in tow.

SickAndTiredAgain · 13/11/2021 20:51

Not allowing your partner to independently take the children out ever, that’s controlling- look it up

Yes but that could easily not be what’s happening. There’s a difference between not allowing them to go alone, and just wanting to go too. If the partner says “actually I want to go by myself” and they don’t allow it then yes, controlling. But this situation could equally be one where the conversation is “I’m taking the kids to the playground, do you want to come?”

Blueeilidh · 13/11/2021 20:52

It's a public park and maybe with the dad being there, the mum has more freedom to chat as not having to run after child all the time.

ballsdeep · 13/11/2021 20:52

Its in a park,.it's not in your house or somewhere he would need to be invited.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/11/2021 20:54

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

“oh men are so bad at getting involved in family life”

“oh no, men turn up at the park with their own children the complete weirdos”

This isn’t a one off scenario _ the people who find it weird have families who always go out together. Surely a healthy functioning family: occasionally one partner takes the kids out alone, another time the other partner takes the kids out alone, they do things as a family, the parents meet their own friends by themselves.
Notanotheruser111 · 13/11/2021 20:54

When I had my first child, it was definitely the mums who did all the play dates but I had my first on the young side of parents in my area so most were older then me, my youngest child parents of their friends are probably my age or a bit younger and there seems to be a much more equal division of parenting. So the dads show up for play dates and most of the social stuff. The load seems a bit more equal. Seems like an improvement

closedown · 13/11/2021 21:04

If someone asked if my kid wanted to go to the park with their's, why wouldn't my DH go with us? I'd assume the "playdate" was for the kids to play together so I'd see nothing wrong me and my DH both going along. If the woman wanted to see me as a friend she'd ask to go somewhere with me, like for a coffee or to the shops or a pub or whatever...?

donquixotedelamancha · 13/11/2021 21:05

Oh you think abusive partners are funny?!

Yes, that's definitely what I meant.

You are entirely reasonable to suggest that couples who sometimes attend playdates together are abusive, so i can't possibly be laughing at you.

Dishwashersaurous · 13/11/2021 21:06

It really depends on how the other person sees what was agreed.

Op and I are meeting up at the weekend. Just happens to be at the park.with the kids.

I'm taking the kids to the park. Op will probably be there as well

Volhhg · 13/11/2021 21:07

Yes I think it's really weird for two parents to go on a play date (mum or dad). I would find it really annoying to have to make chit chat with two adults and it would change the dynamic if I were solo and they were a couple. I think the kids would also behave differently with all these adults around and it would be annoying for them. On the other hand it can be useful having another adult around depending on how many kids are involved.

Boombastic22 · 13/11/2021 21:09

Unless you’re a single parent I would expect you to bring your DH along too. It’s perfectly normal to have family meetings at the weekend. If your DH wasn’t going to be there then Id tell the mum in advance. But equally Id hope both parents prioritise seeing their kids at the weekend. YABU

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 13/11/2021 21:09

For me a play date is for the children, not the parents.

Weekends are usually family time.

So yes a play date at the park, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a dad coming too. I mean it’s a public place after all.
If it was a play date at home, then that would be different.

PerfectlyUnsuitable · 13/11/2021 21:11

@Volhhg, at a park, I’d expect the children to be playing on equipment and not caring about which adults are there tbh.
I’m struggling to see how the number of adults would make any difference in this context. Plenty of space around.

Volhhg · 13/11/2021 21:11

Maybe they don't have much of a social life and are trying to make friends as a family? You could bring your partner along next time

Constance1 · 13/11/2021 21:14

I think the main issue is that it’s a weekend playdate when people are squeezing in a play date in between other things that they have planned as a family so it’s not too weird for both parents to come along, particularly if they have more than one child to keep an eye on. If you want a mums ot play date an after school one would be more appropriate surely?

SusieBob · 13/11/2021 21:17

You think it's odd that fathers might want to spend time with their families?

Volhhg · 13/11/2021 21:17

[quote PerfectlyUnsuitable]@Volhhg, at a park, I’d expect the children to be playing on equipment and not caring about which adults are there tbh.
I’m struggling to see how the number of adults would make any difference in this context. Plenty of space around.[/quote]
Yeah I guess but then what is the point of the second parent coming if they're not getting involved with the kids play.

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