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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with old age parent?

109 replies

icelolly12 · 13/11/2021 19:02

Are daily calls and multiple texting sessions a day normal? How do I wean myself away when if I don't reply or answer within 20 minutes a barrage of "are you okay texts" and multiple calls start...I just don't have the energy to engage in daily conversations. Sad I don't mind chatting a few times a week, but every day for me is honestly too much and I just find myself getting cold about their contact,

OP posts:
Redhound · 13/11/2021 19:05

I wish my parents were still around to speak to daily :'( You are so lucky.

mayblossominapril · 13/11/2021 19:05

Are they on they on their own and not going out much? Because you might be their only contact.
It’s difficult when you are busy. Maybe you need to help them find some more ways of socialising so they are not as lonely.

MichelleScarn · 13/11/2021 19:06

red but your parents were your parents, I wish people would stop with this guilt laden trope.

Redhound · 13/11/2021 19:08

You may have a point but that was my first reaction.

JustLyra · 13/11/2021 19:08

DH’s Gran now needs daily contact. She’s lonely and is getting more anxious in her old age.

We’ve come to an agreement that one of us calls her for a quick check in every day at 2pm (lunchtime for one of us). And then every couple of days someone calls her in the evening for a proper catch up.

Having a structure has made her much calmer and less panicky.

Amusingly it was us panicking yesterday as she’d gone out without letting us know and we couldn’t get a hold of her :)

LagneyandCasey · 13/11/2021 19:08

It's probably normal in some families but in ours we probably chat once a week on the phone and text a few times.

Is she particularly lonely or anxious? You could try replying to calls with a text 'Hi mum, I'm fine. I will call you soon'. Then she'll know you're OK.

girlmom21 · 13/11/2021 19:08

It depends how dependant they are.
If it's too much for you, that's completely understandable.

It's so hard finding the right balance for everyone.

BuckyBarnesArm · 13/11/2021 19:08

@Redhound

I wish my parents were still around to speak to daily :'( You are so lucky.
These kind of replies are just not helpful.

There is a happy medium between a barrage of calls and texts and not having any parents to talk to. Of course the OP isn't unreasonable to feel hounded into unwanted daily contact.

WorraLiberty · 13/11/2021 19:09

@Redhound

I wish my parents were still around to speak to daily :'( You are so lucky.
Completely irrelevant though, isn't it?
LagneyandCasey · 13/11/2021 19:10

@Redhound

I wish my parents were still around to speak to daily :'( You are so lucky.
Many of us here are in the same boat. It doesn't mean op can't ask for advice.
cptartapp · 13/11/2021 19:10

My parents were dead before 70 and I certainly don't think you are lucky.
My DM ended up on antidepressants dealing with the similar demands of my GM. I don't think she was lucky either. She turned her phone off for long periods in the end.
As it happened, such calls were the first symptoms of my GM's dementia.

Wimpeyspread · 13/11/2021 19:13

@Redhound

I wish my parents were still around to speak to daily :'( You are so lucky.
Not a helpful comment. My parents are no longer around either, but if they were this would drive me nuts
Original poster
icelolly12 · 13/11/2021 19:15

@cptartapp

My parents were dead before 70 and I certainly don't think you are lucky. My DM ended up on antidepressants dealing with the similar demands of my GM. I don't think she was lucky either. She turned her phone off for long periods in the end. As it happened, such calls were the first symptoms of my GM's dementia.
It's interesting you say that as I have been concerned about dementia, nothing I can pinpoint but just a feeling that things are 'off' I will have to do some more research...
OP posts:
Rosesareyellow · 13/11/2021 19:16

I don't mind chatting a few times a week, but every day for me is honestly too much and I just find myself getting cold about their contact

Tell them this?
If they don’t like it then I’d tell them to be prepared to be ignored.

Original poster
icelolly12 · 13/11/2021 19:16

And yes I know when I am left parentless I will hate myself for ever feeling this way and would give anything to have them call me again. I guess that's why I feel guilty and can't just stop cold turkey with the replies etc

OP posts:
Clymene · 13/11/2021 19:18

@Redhound

I wish my parents were still around to speak to daily :'( You are so lucky.
Oh for gods sake.
SpinachIsAGatewayDrug · 13/11/2021 19:20

The guilt is why a structure might help you both. It lowers the burden of contact so you are less resentful and then less likely to feel guilty for feeling resentful.

Are they someone who you could suggest a regular but less frequent routine to?

e.g. perhaps a morning call for just 2-3 mins to check in, an evening text and then a longer chat twice a week?

Clymene · 13/11/2021 19:20

That sounds enormously hard @icelolly12. Is this a new thing?

Can you suggest a time/day to chat?

Lentil63 · 13/11/2021 19:25

@Redhound

I wish my parents were still around to speak to daily :'( You are so lucky.
Me too. 😔
Original poster
icelolly12 · 13/11/2021 19:27

@Clymene It's been going on a few years. Thinking back it started in lockdown when the worry was mutual plus no way of visiting each other so got into a daily phone call and texting habit which has since stuck. However now my life has resumed with work etc I don't feel the need or have the emotional capacity to maintain such a high level of contact and find it to be actually quite stressful and annoying. Then I feel awful about getting annoyed.

OP posts:
DoloresOnTheDottedLine · 13/11/2021 19:40

Having read your further post OP, I can see you have considered dementia, which was something I thought when I read your first post.

My DGM started with this the year before she was diagnosed with Altzheimers. Several years later, anxiety (which is what your DM’s behaviour sounds like to me) remains one of her key symptoms.

Other early symptoms for DGM were a slow deterioration in her ability to organise things eg sending multiple bday cards to one person and none to another, and also a need to repeat upcoming plans over and over (with hindsight to try and fix them in her head I think). She also started referring to her (previously much cherished) home as “my prison,” and complaining about loneliness even though she saw one of her children or grandchildren daily.

Basically I’m saying that dementia can be hard to recognise and can just look like slightly unreasonable, but otherwise normal, behaviour. If you’re worried, try your best to get her to a memory clinic. They have drugs now that can stave the symptoms off for years.

Original poster
icelolly12 · 13/11/2021 20:01

@DoloresOnTheDottedLine Thank you. There is also some of the forgetful behaviour too, but mainly it's just a sense of something being a little off and the over the top anxiety and clingy behaviour etc. Definitely food for thought thanks.

OP posts:
OutrageousFlavourLikeFreesias · 13/11/2021 20:03

How tech-savvy is your mum? This is a very different circumstance, but my uni-age DD and I have an agreement that I am allowed to WhatsApp her a photo of the cats once a day, and she will respond with an emoji so I know she's still alive 😁 It's a way for me to check in on her without intruding into her life.

If your mum can deal with the technology, a daily photo of something might be a way for her to feel connected to you, without you having to make conversation every single time.

Gandalf456 · 13/11/2021 20:07

My mum has been like this ever since my dad died 10 years ago. She does have dementia now, too. Nowadays, she forgets she has rung me, though.

ThinWomansBrain · 13/11/2021 20:13

Have you looked at age concern, or any local community centres?

One CC local to here had phone befriending service, a lunch club (with a minibus for those that can't get there unaided)

Failing that, a structure of when you're going to call each week as PPs have suggested might be a good way of reducing frequency.
If you talk to her GP if you'concerned about dementia, there may be a local day centre or similar?