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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with old age parent?

109 replies

icelolly12 · 13/11/2021 19:02

Are daily calls and multiple texting sessions a day normal? How do I wean myself away when if I don't reply or answer within 20 minutes a barrage of "are you okay texts" and multiple calls start...I just don't have the energy to engage in daily conversations. Sad I don't mind chatting a few times a week, but every day for me is honestly too much and I just find myself getting cold about their contact,

OP posts:
LittleDandelionClock · 13/11/2021 20:18

@Redhound

I wish my parents were still around to speak to daily :'( You are so lucky.
Hmm I am sorry your parents have passed. But this is not a helpful post.
A580Hojas · 13/11/2021 20:19

Of course yanbu OP. Ignore the guilt trippers.

LittleDandelionClock · 13/11/2021 20:20

@icelolly12 Of course YANBU. Not sure what you can do about it though.... elderly parents can become quite needy, and especially if they are alone.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/11/2021 20:26

Talk to them.
I had it out with DM a few times over constant calls and although I'd love to hear her voice now there is middle ground, if I didn't answer my mobile she'd ring the house, then DP and me again, once I'd get back to her she'd say "nothing happened, I'm just calling to say hi".
Try do it nicely unlike me on a few occasions. Grin

CMOTDibbler · 13/11/2021 20:31

My parents have both passed away, but the phase where my dad was phoning seven times a day still is strong in my mind as a really awful time as he just couldn't accept that I was working - if I didn't answer the phone he'd leave more and more agitated messages and get stroppy. The only solution was to call him at a set time, but even that was a PITA because if I was 5 minutes late he'd be agitated and paranoid that I didn't want to speak to him. And much as I miss him, I don't miss him wittering on about the price of bacon for hours.

KurtWilde · 13/11/2021 20:35

My DM calls on average 12 times a day - usually more. If I don't answer first time she spams me with calls until I do. The fact that I work and I have a young family doesn't seem to register.

No amount of talking to her about it makes any difference other than her saying 'don't worry I won't call you ever again.' Coercive control much!

If she lived alone I could kind of understand it, I know she misses my dad very much, but she has my sibling and their partner living with her and they're both at her beck and call despite also wfh.

She doesn't have any major ailments for someone in their mid 80s she's doing so well! But every other call she's decided she's got some illness or other. She's also very resentful of me going anywhere or doing anything. The guilt tripping is off the scale.

Yea, I'm lucky to still have my mum, I totally get that and I'll be devastated when she's not with us anymore. But the unwarranted neediness is draining.

I don't really have any advice OP, I'm in the same position you are and she just flat out ignores my boundaries.

LittleDandelionClock · 13/11/2021 20:38

@KurtWilde

My DM calls on average 12 times a day - usually more. If I don't answer first time she spams me with calls until I do. The fact that I work and I have a young family doesn't seem to register.

No amount of talking to her about it makes any difference other than her saying 'don't worry I won't call you ever again.' Coercive control much!

If she lived alone I could kind of understand it, I know she misses my dad very much, but she has my sibling and their partner living with her and they're both at her beck and call despite also wfh.

She doesn't have any major ailments for someone in their mid 80s she's doing so well! But every other call she's decided she's got some illness or other. She's also very resentful of me going anywhere or doing anything. The guilt tripping is off the scale.

Yea, I'm lucky to still have my mum, I totally get that and I'll be devastated when she's not with us anymore. But the unwarranted neediness is draining.

I don't really have any advice OP, I'm in the same position you are and she just flat out ignores my boundaries.

I don't mean to sound awful, but calling 12 times a day is far from normal. Is your mother OK? She doesn't sound it. That is not a normal amount of times to call ANYone.
Thinkbiglittleone · 13/11/2021 20:47

So you were happy for this too happen to ease your worries during lockdown but now you are back to normal it's annoying,

Has your mum got any hobbies that she used to do that could bring her some company and maybe ease the worries she still has.

If you think this is a medical condition, get her booked in as this will be a horrible state of mind for your poor mother to live in .

DroopyClematis · 13/11/2021 20:50

An in law started like this but progressed to 80+calls a day. ( yes the calls had to be logged for assessment purposes)

Dementia was eventually diagnosed.

ronfa · 13/11/2021 20:57

I wish my parents were still around to speak to daily :'( You are so lucky.

🙄

Snuggledupforwinter · 13/11/2021 21:01

Anxiety increased at the start of my aunt's dementia with an increasing number of calls all day as she couldn't remember that she'd just rung and got more anxious and paranoid. We had to stop outgoing calls on her phone at night or she'd be ringing family members in various other time zones for a chat!
Would it be worth asking her GP to invite her for a wellness check if you have other concerns?

ronfa · 13/11/2021 21:03

My mil is incredibly anxious, suffocatingly so. She often phones me if DH doesn't answer immediately. It's hard as you have the guilt but it's sometimes too much.

KurtWilde · 13/11/2021 21:05

@LittleDandelionClock apart from some health anxiety she's fine, had a dementia test recently and the GP was perfectly happy with her. She's had my sibling and their partner living with her for the last 5 years since we lost my dad, so certainly not lonely!

Basically it's a case of if my sibling can be at her beck and call 24/7 then I should be too. Sibling made a conscious decision to live with her, has no DC and works their own hours. I have young DC still at home and I work. She doesn't seem to think any of that should stop me answering my phone on the first go! If I don't answer she spams me with voicemails until I do. If my phone dies, she calls one of my older DC to ask where I am. Like they'd know when they're at work/uni and don't live at home anymore! I love her to bits. I really do, but the calls are exhausting. And even typing that makes me feel guilty!

Harpydragon · 13/11/2021 21:07

Oh I get this. I am having a weekend on my own and asked my mum not to call me this weekend unless it was a dire emergency. I sent her a what'sapp messages to let her know I was still alive and she fucking messages me asking for a phone call. I ignored that and within 5 minutes I had 3 missed calls on my mobile and then she rang the house phone.
It is needy and controlling and just makes me withdraw at a rate of knots, it is not unusual for me to get up to 10 calls a day every day. I hate it and she will not stop.
Nothing very useful to say, but I get it

Thinkbiglittleone · 13/11/2021 21:08

@Redhound

I wish my parents were still around to speak to daily :'( You are so lucky.
Please ignore all the HmmHmm's

You are free to express how you feel and I completely understand how you feel.

GotToGoBye · 13/11/2021 21:12

It’s more than most and a set time for call might help?

Rubyupbeat · 13/11/2021 21:13

@Redhound
I totally agree. My parents were always there for me, I was the same and felt blessed. My mum was only 65 when she died.

BrainPotter · 13/11/2021 21:17

I am good friends with my Mum (late 60’s) and we text all the time. My Dad (early 70’s) died suddenly and unexpectedly earlier in the year, I would give anything to be messaging him today 🥺

Clymene · 13/11/2021 21:21

This isn't a thread about @Redhound. It's a thread about elderly parents not having boundaries.

If people want to talk about losing parents young, then they can start a thread. It's incredibly rude to shut down discussion about issues which don't affect you.

MsAgnesDiPesto · 13/11/2021 21:22

@cptartapp

My parents were dead before 70 and I certainly don't think you are lucky. My DM ended up on antidepressants dealing with the similar demands of my GM. I don't think she was lucky either. She turned her phone off for long periods in the end. As it happened, such calls were the first symptoms of my GM's dementia.
Agree. My mama almost died through unregulated blood pressure due to the stress of caring for my Nan during her early journey with dementia. Her sense of time became extremely warped, and she’d call to say she hadn’t seen anyone for days, when one of us had left no more than ten minutes before. It happened gradually, but was clearly part of her deterioration.

We already knew she had dementia and genuinely believed nobody had been there, so it was easier in a way, but regardless, however much you love that person (and we did, so much) the physical and mental load can be intolerable.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 13/11/2021 21:23

@Redhound

I wish my parents were still around to speak to daily :'( You are so lucky.
Wow, spectacularly unhelpful post.
KurtWilde · 13/11/2021 21:26

I would LOVE if my mum would text instead of call, I could handle that far better. But she refuses to have a mobile phone so it's landline calls only.

Don't get me wrong, I love having a natter with my mum. But a dozen times a day when there's very little to talk about after the 5th call and I'm trying to work or organise DC is just too much.

BrainPotter · 13/11/2021 21:27

@Clymene these are very interlinked topics. It can feel overwhelming when a parent is needy but there is usually a reason. I have felt both overwhelmed and now completely lost that one of my parents has gone.

Chosenonetosurvivethenight · 13/11/2021 21:27

I have the exact same. I bite my tongue and go with it. I repeat the same old stuff, listen to the same old stuff and the go asap. We have a tricky relationship but I can sense my DM is declining rapidly and is probably lost and lonely! Its irritating and frustrating at times but I do just go with it most of the time.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 13/11/2021 21:28

@icelolly12

And yes I know when I am left parentless I will hate myself for ever feeling this way and would give anything to have them call me again. I guess that's why I feel guilty and can't just stop cold turkey with the replies etc
No no no, don't go there with guilt.

You are entitled to lead your life fully and to have as much or as little contact with whomever you choose, including family.

I think you need to spell it out to your mum. "let's check in each afternoon and I'll call you every few days."

Then stick to that. It isn't cruel, it's being clear and realistic and also vitally important for your well-being.