Page 4 | To be annoyed with old age parent?

icelolly12 · 2021-11-13T19:02:17+00:00

Are daily calls and multiple texting sessions a day normal? How do I wean myself away when if I don't reply or answer within 20 minutes a barrage of "are you okay texts" and multiple calls start...I just don't have the energy to engage in daily conversations. [sad] I don't mind chatting a few times a week, but every day for me is honestly too much and I just find myself getting cold about their contact,

Mary46 · 14/11/2021 13:06

Op you can only do so much. Sometimes my mother thinks I have all day to chat I dont. I let odd call go to voicemail. Most people can not be taking calls once they at work. It is draining agree

Original poster

icelolly12 · 14/11/2021 14:16

I have suggested befriending, and also getting involved in hobbies/volunteering etc for some company, but I get back "oh no! I'm not lonely, I'm just checking you're okay" Then there's the sulking if I explain I can't be taking phone calls and responding to messages all day and on an evening I also have things to do and am tired and drained and may just want to neck a glass of wine and watch Netflix without looking at my phone.

Thank you for the posters who have reassured and provided helpful advice and personal experiences.

OP posts:

TheOriginalEmu · 14/11/2021 14:25

@mustlovegin

You would probably like to think your children love you unconditionally, when, in reality, when you are old enough they may start treating you the same way as you treat your DM.

Think about it

She’s not treating her mother badly. She’s advocating for herself. Which is allowed.

KurtWilde · 14/11/2021 14:26

I have suggested befriending, and also getting involved in hobbies/volunteering etc for some company, but I get back "oh no! I'm not lonely, I'm just checking you're okay" Then there's the sulking if I explain I can't be taking phone calls and responding to messages all day and on an evening I also have things to do and am tired and drained and may just want to neck a glass of wine and watch Netflix without looking at my phone.

I could've written that word for word, OP.

TheOriginalEmu · 14/11/2021 14:29

[quote saraclara]@mustlovegin I'm uncomfortably close to old age these days, and I absolutely would NOT want my DDs to put up with this kind of stress and obligation. I hope that if I start to go that way, they will get helpful and empathetic advice on how to handle this, and get the right kind of help for me and for them.

Sometimes I wish Mumsnet would delete attempted guilt posts. I guarantee that those (like me) who've lost parents, would be just as frustrated as OP if they were still here and calling dozens of times a day.[/quote]
Agreed.

Practicebeingpatient · 14/11/2021 14:33

@Redhound

I wish my parents were still around to speak to daily :'( You are so lucky.

You were very lucky to have a loving relationship with your parents. Not all of us are that fortunate.

Practicebeingpatient · 14/11/2021 14:41

You have my full sympathy OP. My mum can be similar and it's exhausting. I've given myself a 'day off' today. I'm not answering texts and calls or doing any errands for her and it's lovely.

Most people who know my mum think she is a sweet, thoughtful woman who never forgets a birthday and would do anything to help. That includes cousins of mine who have known her all our lives. Anyone who has had the misfortune to live with her (so nowadays just me and my siblings and her two remaining siblings) know she is a bitter, manipulative, abusive two faced bitch. Not all parents are good parents.

Laiste · 14/11/2021 14:56

Guilt tripping posts should be deletable. Perhaps it will make people stop it.

How short sighted to think we all be ''grateful''. Do these posters go on threads about marriages in trouble and tell the OPs to be grateful the husband's alive?!

Plus the ''You'll be old too one day'' shite. If i'm being a PITA when i'm old i hope my DCs can reach out for support or have a damn good moan about me without someone guilt tripping them about death.

Laiste · 14/11/2021 14:57

@Practicebeingpatient

You have my full sympathy OP. My mum can be similar and it's exhausting. I've given myself a 'day off' today. I'm not answering texts and calls or doing any errands for her and it's lovely.

Most people who know my mum think she is a sweet, thoughtful woman who never forgets a birthday and would do anything to help. That includes cousins of mine who have known her all our lives. Anyone who has had the misfortune to live with her (so nowadays just me and my siblings and her two remaining siblings) know she is a bitter, manipulative, abusive two faced bitch. Not all parents are good parents.

I hear you.

Crumblinginside · 14/11/2021 15:06

This is very hard op (dh mother is going through this exact same thing)

She calls all 4 adult dc at least once or twice a day and then also me (dil) which dh put a stop to in a nice way.

The thing is she is in a habit now and that's hard to break. What dh does is give a quick buzz (literally just 2 mins at the start of lunch break) when she calls later he tells her they have talked today already and will chat tomorrow. She seems OK with that

It's so so tough

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/11/2021 15:08

Ignore @redhound. This sort of bullshit ruins people's lives.

It's fine to set boundaries.

LizzieW1969 · 14/11/2021 15:17

@Laiste

Guilt tripping posts should be deletable. Perhaps it will make people stop it.

How short sighted to think we all be ''grateful''. Do these posters go on threads about marriages in trouble and tell the OPs to be grateful the husband's alive?!

Plus the ''You'll be old too one day'' shite. If i'm being a PITA when i'm old i hope my DCs can reach out for support or have a damn good moan about me without someone guilt tripping them about death.

I agree with this. Not all parents are great; my F was abusive (he’s dead now) and my DM is capable of being very manipulative. I do persevere with her, but I’ve got much improved boundaries with her now.

Mxflamingnoravera · 14/11/2021 15:19

I had to take my mums phone off her when she was calling me 20+ time a day and night. She has dementia and is in a care home. It was so stressful. Now I call her every other day and it's still stressful.

If your parents are of sound mind then ignore their texts and allow yourself to respond when you choose. Be firm with them and breeze off their worries, with "I am/was working/driving/busy, you'll always know if something is wrong, bad news travels fast".

FrankGrillosWrist · 14/11/2021 15:23

Would you be happy with 2 calls a week from someone that you absolutely adored? The people who say that it's OK probably don't get on with their parents. Or those that say they wouldn't expect it from their kids only say this because they know that the kids wouldn't give them the time of day. These many calls, or just one call a day are so hard to deal with, I know. But whatever happens you will, feel guilty, & the MN brigade will never change that.

Ozanj · 14/11/2021 15:27

Set up a family whatsapp group and communicate daily by sending photos of gc etc / ask how rveryone is etc. It takes 5s

somethinginthewater · 14/11/2021 15:34

@icelolly12 and @KurtWilde exactly!!!
DM doesn't want befriending services or clubs, only me, always.

Tbf she has a few friends that she phones on a daily basis or more though some of them get tired of it too ( especially the 4.00am calls).

If only it were as simple as a WhatsApp group or a quick text - DM can't use a mobile , can't use email or internet and forgot how to use her portal after a few days

KurtWilde · 14/11/2021 15:53

@Ozanj

Set up a family whatsapp group and communicate daily by sending photos of gc etc / ask how rveryone is etc. It takes 5s

My mum refuses to have a mobile phone.

countrygirl99 · 14/11/2021 16:12

@KurtWilde

Say, I’ll call you at 10 or 11. Chat for 10 minutes. Job done.

If only it was that simple.

Indeed. Clearly hasn't had the several calls a day to say through heating isn't working (it is, the thermostat has kicked in) or the tv isn't working (try plugging it in) or to tell you the same thing several times a day (yes, I know you like the community minibus you've been telling me several times a day for the last 5 years).

Anystarinthesky · 14/11/2021 16:28

My Dm had this from her Dm, it drove her round the bend. Ring ring ring the whole day. She didn't feel she coudn't answer incase something had happened such as a fall.

Dgm used to phone me too, every night at 6.30pm exactly. This was ok.

Dgm ended up in a home with dementia too.

Knowing how Dm felt I totally sympathise with you.

Laiste · 14/11/2021 16:47

My DM refuses to use a mobile as well. She's had a couple. The first when she was in her 50s now i think about it. She wouldn't use them back then either. My theory is she never liked the idea of people being able to reply/respond in their own time on their own terms.

FrankGrillosWrist - ''Would you be happy with 2 calls a week from someone that you absolutely adored?''

Yes! I adore my DDs. Three of them are in their 20s and i don't expect a call from them everyday You're confusing a romantic adoration with the unconditional love between parent and child i think.

MrsBobDylan · 14/11/2021 16:48

@mustlovegin

Why the need for such guilting?

It's not guilting. I see it time and time again. Maybe the OP's DM's is really overbearing, but I have witnessed this attitude towards parents who are very reasonable (I know for sure as they are relatives of mine) and try not to bother their DC. Still they are treated and seen as a burden. These same DC (new mums) boast about how much they love their own DC, how they would be devastated if they decided to go and live abroad, etc, etc. It's upsetting.

You don't know anything. Abusive parents are usually very careful to hide behind a facade of 'loving care'.

When I cut my Mum off, my Auntie turned up on my doorstep to tell me how much my Mum loved me, that 'no parent is perfect' and that my Mum talked about me all the time.

What she didn't want to talk about was that my Mum beat me, restricted food and went abroad leaving me to look after my younger siblings my a when I was 13.

If society failed me as a child but then expects me to nurse my abuser into old age because she gave birth to me? Fuck that. I should have left at 16 and never had any more to do with her.

Topseyt · 14/11/2021 16:48

@Redhound

I wish my parents were still around to speak to daily :'( You are so lucky.

Your feelings are understandable (lost my Dad earlier this year), but so is OP's need to set some boundaries with her mother. Your situations are not comparable.

MrsBobDylan · 14/11/2021 16:51

And do you know what? My kids do love me because I am a nice person who cares for them and loves them. I put them first because I chose to have them and they have brought me so much happiness.

If they want to emigrate at 18 I will miss them but be bloody glad they got to live their own lives without the strangle hold of guilt.

Clymene · 14/11/2021 16:53

Even if the OP is the loveliest mum in the world, calling and texting multiple times a day is exhausting.

It's like when you have small children and you feel all touched out by the evening. It doesn't mean you don't love them; it just means their demands and what you're able to give happily are out of step.

woodhill · 14/11/2021 17:07

@icelolly12

I have suggested befriending, and also getting involved in hobbies/volunteering etc for some company, but I get back "oh no! I'm not lonely, I'm just checking you're okay"

Then there's the sulking if I explain I can't be taking phone calls and responding to messages all day and on an evening I also have things to do and am tired and drained and may just want to neck a glass of wine and watch Netflix without looking at my phone.

Thank you for the posters who have reassured and provided helpful advice and personal experiences.

Yes I can relate to what you are saying

Please don't feel guilty

I find my dm very controlling at times