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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with old age parent?

109 replies

icelolly12 · 13/11/2021 19:02

Are daily calls and multiple texting sessions a day normal? How do I wean myself away when if I don't reply or answer within 20 minutes a barrage of "are you okay texts" and multiple calls start...I just don't have the energy to engage in daily conversations. Sad I don't mind chatting a few times a week, but every day for me is honestly too much and I just find myself getting cold about their contact,

OP posts:
Lucienandjean · 13/11/2021 21:30

My mum did this. Would ring me twice a day at least and often wanted to talk for 1+ hours at a time. It was wearing, and upsetting, and I couldn't find any way to stop her doing this. She was also ringing my sister a similar amount.

We never found a way to deal with it, except that sometimes I just didn't answer. Fortunately she didn't know how to text. The whole thing ruined our relationship - she felt I owed her as much time as she wanted from me.

Eventually she was diagnosed with dementia, but that just meant more calls because she forgot she had already phoned. She was in a care home briefly before she died but still phoned all the time.

Mum died a few months ago. Honestly, I don't miss the calls at all. I'm just so relieved not to dread the phone ringing. I also feel that I don't miss her as much as I should. I don't think I've grieved for her because the relief is so great.

FictionalCharacter · 13/11/2021 21:37

@icelolly12

And yes I know when I am left parentless I will hate myself for ever feeling this way and would give anything to have them call me again. I guess that's why I feel guilty and can't just stop cold turkey with the replies etc
I really hope you don’t hate yourself when they’re gone. Calls and texts many times a day is not justified or normal and it’s already affecting you.

My late mother had dementia, but her difficult behaviour started many years before it was obvious. She used to call me repeatedly too, not for any good reason but just to have long moans that left me worn out. Usually she’d be badmouthing people, completely unfairly. She’d call me at work (not a mobile, an actual work number) when there was no urgency at all. She called the maternity ward when I went in to have the dc, demanding that I must call her back. She was demanding and exhausting.

Eventually I went low contact and put a stop to her long whinging calls.
I miss the mum she used to be long ago, but I don’t miss who she became, and I certainly don’t feel guilty. Her behaviour was affecting my whole family’s lives, including my kids, and I wasn’t going to allow that.

FictionalCharacter · 13/11/2021 21:40

@Lucienandjean Similar for me. I used to dread the phone ringing too. I still get that hollow feeling when the phone rings.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 13/11/2021 21:46

It sounds as if she’s very anxious and possibly lonely too.

Of course this could be the start of a demitasse process too. Are you close enough to raise this with your Dm and offer to go to the GP to discuss and rule out any reversible causes?

There is also a charity called silverline that she could call if she wants a more general chat and company

somethinginthewater · 14/11/2021 10:07

I think it is part of early dementia. I get multiple calls a day, sometimes 5-6 before lunchtime. Then some days none at all ( though this is rare),
She rings the landline, and if no answer then my mobile, then DH's work number, then DD's mobile ( while she's at school), and so on in a loop until she gets someone. This process could happen in the space of 20 mins while she can't get through to me because I'm on a work call.
I'm not sure if arranging a set time to ring would work as she doesn't have much concept of time and can also ring at 4.00 am to say she's on her way to Tescos...
It's wearing, but really sad as well.

lljkk · 14/11/2021 10:20

You are free to express how you feel

My mother used to spend most of our contact time complaining about my father. Nowadays my dad spends most of our conversation complaining about people who aren't as Covid-Anxious as he is. How I feel, honestly, is that I don't/won't miss those conversations.

I wonder if OP could find a way to put some more structure into relative's life and otherwise just one check-in per day.

Q123R · 14/11/2021 10:24

My mum was like this. She couldn't text, but wanted daily conversations and emails, then would moan her 'little men' on MSN Messenger were sad they were being ignored!!! I talked about it with a counsellor who pointed out nothing would be enough for her, so to cut it down to what I was ok with, then at least one of us would be happy.

I began to ignore her calls and texts and contact her when I was happy to. Two or three times a week was my compromise.

grapewine · 14/11/2021 10:31

Thinking back it started in lockdown when the worry was mutual plus no way of visiting each other so got into a daily phone call and texting habit which has since stuck. However now my life has resumed with work etc I don't feel the need or have the emotional capacity to maintain such a high level of contact and find it to be actually quite stressful and annoying

That's a bit unfair on your parent. So it was fine when you needed it as well, but now that you don't, they are just annoying and should understand that you don't have the "capacity"?

I mean, you could tell them this. That will probably stop the calls.

PinkiOcelot · 14/11/2021 10:40

But really, in the grand scheme of things, how much of your day is taken up by speaking to your parent? Do as a pp suggested. Say, I’ll call you at 10 or 11. Chat for 10 minutes. Job done.

Think about how you would feel if you’re the parent and one of your dc was saying this about you.

About 8 years ago, I stopped ringing my mam because all she talked about was my sister and her partner and how awful he was blah blah. No matter how I tried to change the topic, it always came back to that. So I stopped. I can’t ring her now because she’s in a care home with dementia and I really regret that I stopped ringing her.

Your parent sounds very anxious. Have you discussed with them?

KurtWilde · 14/11/2021 10:43

Say, I’ll call you at 10 or 11. Chat for 10 minutes. Job done.

If only it was that simple.

TheOriginalEmu · 14/11/2021 11:04

The guilt tripping of missing your own parents really needs to stop.
My mother died very recently. It still doesn’t make my dads incessant phoning any easier to handle.

VeganCheesePlease · 14/11/2021 11:37

Don't be afraid to be firm with how much time you spend on the phone and texting.
My dad has been very needy for the last while after my mum left him, and I was ending up coming home after a 12 hour shift and spending an hour on the phone with him three times a week and it was too much. Now, we have a phone call once a week or sometimes once a fortnight and it's so much better because we have a genuinely nice chat and catch up. It can be draining.

User310 · 14/11/2021 11:48

I speak to my mum daily, but I also tell her I’m going and will ring back if busy so not a huge problem. I will generally ring her when I’m in the car and have some free time.

User983590521 · 14/11/2021 11:58

You say 'old age'. How old?
Does your mum live alone?
Is she still staying at home most of the time, because of covid?
If she is, it's understandable that she's got stuck in this behaviour.

Do try to get her checked out for dementia so she can have medication for it, if necessary.
In the meantime, speak to her about this and try to agree a better arrangement for contact.

mustlovegin · 14/11/2021 12:00

You will be an 'old age parent' too OP. Don't forget about that

mustlovegin · 14/11/2021 12:02

You would probably like to think your children love you unconditionally, when, in reality, when you are old enough they may start treating you the same way as you treat your DM.

Think about it

Sweetmagnolia · 14/11/2021 12:04

As dementia took hold we were getting multiple calls from my mother every day, including while driving on the motorway and while we were asleep. If we didn't answer, she kept ringing. It became tortuous. We had to use the ' do not disturb' option eventually. The calls only stopped when she lost the ability to use her phone. Very sad but very hard. I hope it doesn't get worse for you OP.

NadiaVulvokov · 14/11/2021 12:16

It is a lot emotionally.

Whilst I think of you feel something is off, it’s wise to check to see if there is anything wrong, I don’t think it’s necessary to pathologise the need for human connection.

A daily call became habit during lockdown and it was mutually beneficial then. But now you life is going back to a something like normal and you don’t have capacity for that any more.

But the habit has been established and also life isn’t really going back to normal in the same way for a lot of older people. Plus it’s not been the best time for anyone’s mental health or sense of security.

Have you had an open (I.e. both frank and open ended) conversation about where you both are with this? You might even find some of their motivation continues to be to make sure you are faring well in the midst of all this. People like to feel useful and supportive even when they are struggling themselves. Especially when they are struggling themselves.

NadiaVulvokov · 14/11/2021 12:17

TL;DR have you actually tried saying to her you don’t have the capacity any longer?

saraclara · 14/11/2021 12:27

@mustlovegin I'm uncomfortably close to old age these days, and I absolutely would NOT want my DDs to put up with this kind of stress and obligation. I hope that if I start to go that way, they will get helpful and empathetic advice on how to handle this, and get the right kind of help for me and for them.

Sometimes I wish Mumsnet would delete attempted guilt posts. I guarantee that those (like me) who've lost parents, would be just as frustrated as OP if they were still here and calling dozens of times a day.

KurtWilde · 14/11/2021 12:34

@mustlovegin

You would probably like to think your children love you unconditionally, when, in reality, when you are old enough they may start treating you the same way as you treat your DM.

Think about it

Why the need for such guilting?? After what I've gone through with my DM and my older DC have seen how it's impacted my MH, I absolutely WON'T be doing that to my children. I didn't have them so they could dote on me in my old age, I had them so the world would have a few extra good people in it and I revel in watching them grow up and go forth living their own lives. They don't owe me anything.
mustlovegin · 14/11/2021 12:56

Why the need for such guilting?

It's not guilting. I see it time and time again. Maybe the OP's DM's is really overbearing, but I have witnessed this attitude towards parents who are very reasonable (I know for sure as they are relatives of mine) and try not to bother their DC. Still they are treated and seen as a burden. These same DC (new mums) boast about how much they love their own DC, how they would be devastated if they decided to go and live abroad, etc, etc. It's upsetting.

knittingaddict · 14/11/2021 12:58

@Redhound

I wish my parents were still around to speak to daily :'( You are so lucky.
Oh please! You winthe award for the most pointless comment. That kind of passive aggressive guilt trip is ridiculous. You do know that there is a middle ground between constant need for contact and no contact at all, don't you?

No advice op, but you have my sympathy.

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/11/2021 12:59

Difficult to comment without knowing their circumstances. Frail and needing assistance would warrant a very different reply to healthy and capable.

mustlovegin · 14/11/2021 13:05

spending an hour on the phone with him three times a week and it was too much. Now, we have a phone call once a week or sometimes once a fortnight

Shocked that some think once a fortnight is enough and three times a week is too much time to spend speaking to your parents. How long do people spend on MN, Facebook at the gym, etc. I'm really not trying to guilt trip anyone, but it's cruel (assuming one has a good relationship with them)