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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think you can regret having a second child?

114 replies

MoonRiverLaLaLa · 13/11/2021 09:52

I have 1 DC and I can't decide whether to have another.
I don't really feel a desire for another child just yet, but I am feeling guilty that my child won't have a sibling. Or that if something were to happen to my DC, then I won't have anyone left.

You keep hearing that "you never regret having another baby (even if they end up having complex special needs), but you can regret not having a baby". But is it really true?

Tell me your stories where you or someone you know wanted to give your child a sibling and it all went wrong, and now you regret it.

YABU - you can never regret a second child, even if your life becomes much harder
YANBU - you can regret having a second child

OP posts:

Laserbird16 · 13/11/2021 09:55

Well I kind of regret bringing my second child into the shitshow that awaits but I absolutely adore her.

But it's ok to have one child and be done. You don't need reasons beyond one is enough for you

SoniaFouler · 13/11/2021 09:59

I’ve never heard this? I’ve heard that people think it’s selfish for a child to grow up without a sibling but I find that bizarre thinking tbh.

bookworm14 · 13/11/2021 10:00

There are regularly threads on here from people who regret having kids, including people who admit life would be easier if they hadn’t had a second. But I wouldn’t worry about other people - the only reason to have a second child is if you want one.

YesItsMeIDontCare · 13/11/2021 10:02

I don't think my parents regretted having a send child (me), but both my brother and I had issues with our places in the family that have repercussions to this day. We are close though (now - we hated each other growing up!).

A friend's first DC struggles with their younger sibling's disability and takes the brunt of it, however my friend doesn't regret it at all.

You need to consider any possible impact on your family as a whole, not just "wanting another baby".

Insert1x20p · 13/11/2021 10:03

Of course you can regret it. I know several people who say ‘of course we adore x but if I’d have known y we’d have stopped at 1/2/3.’ Reasons vary from cost, practicalities, age gap to impact on relationships etc.

It’s fine to have one child. For every only child who wants siblings there’s a kid who can’t stand theirs.

GettingUntrapped · 13/11/2021 10:04

Don't be pressured into providing a sibling. That's other people and society wanting you to conform, and who suffers if it goes wrong? Not them.
I had a second to provide a sibling.
It's been constant fighting with them. My life is miserable because of it. No 2 also very hard work and at times I really don't like him as he causes terrible stress. Taboo to say, but that is the reality.
I'm also done with parenting, and tagged on another five years of ball and chain.
Really wish I hadn't.

Notgettingbetter · 13/11/2021 10:07

I'm not having a second because I'm pretty sure it would make all our lives harder. I would actually love to have another but it really isn't a good idea and I'd be a fool to ignore that.

Hoardasurass · 13/11/2021 10:10

My mother regretted having a 2nd and made it abundantly clear with lovely comments like "you were nothing but trouble since the moment you were conceived " (plus many more such gems) and had a world class case of golden child/devil child that was so obvious that anyone who spent 5 minutes in her company could pick up.
I'm not saying that she isn't an abusive bitch or that you are but I am saying that her regret made it so much worse than it would have been had she not regretted having me

Rainallnight · 13/11/2021 10:11

I have a second and don’t regret it exactly but it’s extremely hard work and our lives would certainly be easier with one.

We’re surrounded by one child families where we live and they all seem fine and happy! The kids from those families play a lot together actually.

Chichichiwawa · 13/11/2021 10:14

I am feeling guilty that my child won't have a sibling. Or that if something were to happen to my DC, then I won't have anyone left

Two absolutely terrible reasons to have a baby. Like if something happens to the first one, the second is some kind of consolation prize. If you don't want another baby you don't have to have one.

Onemorebaby · 13/11/2021 10:14

I don't but my second has a lovely personality and they both have a great dynamic. So I'm fortunate that the unpredictable side of them getting on or not is working out. Tbf eldet is sociable, kind and tolerant so I had an inkling it would be good for him. I also really really wanted them as did my oh. All the other potential issues like finance, space, age gaps, our ages and health etc weren't an issue for us. You need to examine what the potential reasons for regret in your situation are. Would it be a good fit? Are there practical issues? The fact that you don't want another child right now is a big one. Forget what everyone else thinks, it's your life and your responsibility

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/11/2021 10:17

I regretted having a second for a while. Everyone said our life had already changed and the second baby would slot right in but I didnt find this, 2nd baby was much more difficult than the first and our lives had to revolve around them for now eg I always felt like I was rushing to and from activities before the eldest was ready to leave because of nap times. I also had a very bad relapse of a condition that meant I was completely out of action for 6 months and I think the busyness and stress of trying to parent two young kids probably contributed.

It's still notable how much calmer and easier it is when one of them is at home and the other is not, it feels a doddle parenting one because there is no screaming and you have much more free time. So there are disadvantages.

Saying all that, I absolutely love my second, they are ace, hilarious, strong minded, and completely different to my first and they have enriched my life in ways I didnt think would be possible and the siblings both love each other and play fairly nicely together about 2/3 of the time while wanting to punch each other in the face the other third, parenting the second has been a very different experience from the first but I think I'd do it again

SickAndTiredAgain · 13/11/2021 10:18

I think it’s absolutely possible for a parent to regret having any child, regardless of number.

SummerHouse · 13/11/2021 10:19

I absolutely love having two. Their relationship with each other is incredible and the best thing for me about being a mum. However, I see other siblings that have no shared interests, others that fight all the time. I also see families with one child that have so much freedom and time. Never having to compromise one child's needs and interests for another. It's a gamble to add another child. For me, I won the jackpot. But I do think we would have had a wonderful and equivalent life with one.

tickledtiger · 13/11/2021 10:24

I think it’s taboo to say you regret having a child regardless of how many you have. I’m sure there are many people who regret a second but never say anything about it.

I know a woman (the second child) whose dad told her he regretted her and never loved her but I think that can be put down to him being a waste of oxygen more than anything else.

AreYouRightThereSkippy · 13/11/2021 10:29

Yes, I think you can.

Tbh, when I fell pregnant with dc2, I wasn't at all sure we'd done the right thing! When he arrived though, I really did fall madly in love with him. And he was a fantastic sleeper (still is), which helped immensely.

Dc1 just didn't sleep. I assumed it was that way with all babies until I had dc2. If we'd had the good sleeper first and the one who didn't sleep second, I think it would have been a horrible shock tbh! Can imagine regretting that.

Only have one if you want one. Don't be pressured by all the silly stigma there still seems to be towards one child families.

I will say, that the saying that two is easier than one has actually been true for us to a point, as they do keep each other entertained sometimes. But it wouldn't be a good enough reason to have a second. Babies are hard work no matter how comparatively easy they are.

Needhelp101 · 13/11/2021 10:34

I don't regret having a second child.

But my life would be infinitely easier if I hadn't (he has ASD).

But I can't regret it. I love him so much and so does his brother.

Franca123 · 13/11/2021 10:38

I think my mum regrets having me! Not in a really horrible way as I know I'm loved but since being an adult the family have been quite open that I was a 'mistake' as opposed to the 'miracle' I'd been led to believe I was. I'd say overall my parents are glad with how things turned out!

georgarina · 13/11/2021 10:39

You can regret anything, it depends on your life and circumstances.

I was lonely as an only child so it was very important for me to have more than one.

But everyone is different and does things for different reasons.

Nothing is 100%.

Franca123 · 13/11/2021 10:39

Also, my friend is happily an only child and she fully intends to stick at one herself.

FreeBritnee · 13/11/2021 10:40

I think only children will be fine. I also think children with siblings can have an enriched experience or a negative one. For me the age gap was too big so having a sibling was neither hear nor there. For my kids they adore each other and I suspect they’ll have a friendship for life.

Franca123 · 13/11/2021 10:49

I love having two. I hated my brother growing up but love having him as an adult. It's good to know you will always have that support. Plus I love my nieces. My neices have a fantastic relationship with each other. Although having the second has been tough at times, I've never really regretted it ever. But then my two don't fight with each other........ yet. Don't feel any pressure for a second. Do what you want to do.

Nocutenamesleft · 13/11/2021 10:54

I fell in love with my second straight away.

I’m lucky that my kids get on so well with each other and are like best of friends. They are the same gender and have the exact same interests.

My friend though had a much bigger age gap between her two and they don’t even speak to each other. They don’t converse. They don’t play. One doesn’t like the others things to do so there’s always one which is unhappy. I find she gives in way more to her little one. So her bigger one is always sad and left to the sidelines. It’s almost like it’s pure luck involved.

Lorw · 13/11/2021 11:04

Don’t feel pressured into having a second just to give your first a sibling, there is no guarantee they will get on and no guarantee life will be better. If you are content with just one just keep with one.

Notgettingbetter · 13/11/2021 11:05

Additionally, I have two siblings and we are not close at all.

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