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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think you can regret having a second child?

114 replies

MoonRiverLaLaLa · 13/11/2021 09:52

I have 1 DC and I can't decide whether to have another.
I don't really feel a desire for another child just yet, but I am feeling guilty that my child won't have a sibling. Or that if something were to happen to my DC, then I won't have anyone left.

You keep hearing that "you never regret having another baby (even if they end up having complex special needs), but you can regret not having a baby". But is it really true?

Tell me your stories where you or someone you know wanted to give your child a sibling and it all went wrong, and now you regret it.

YABU - you can never regret a second child, even if your life becomes much harder
YANBU - you can regret having a second child

OP posts:

Ilkleymoor · 14/11/2021 07:31

You can definitely regret it. I have two friends who love their second child but have explicitly said that they would have easier and happier lives if they'd stopped with one. This is for various reasons.

I'm stopping with one because otherwise due to other circumstances I would not have much a life for me and as an older parent I don't have the time to just wait that period out. I occasionally get fear of losing my child and there being nothing to live for but to be honest that's an anxiety response.

I don't have the all consuming urge to have a second so that makes things easier - but really don't have a child as a fear response, there's a strong possibility that you'll regret that.

EnidFrighten · 14/11/2021 07:51

Having a second showed me how different it is possible for siblings to be, it's a throw of the dice as to whether you get incompatible personalities.

Some elements of parenting 2+ are easier, I think being monopolised by one child can be claustrophobic, with two it's more interesting as you can engage with them both in turn. I think it also makes your parenting skills develop at an accelerated rate and that can increase your confidence. With the second one, you know so much more already. I can imagine that increasing if you went on to have more than two.

I don't know when I'm ever going to get time to myself again tho!

RuthW · 14/11/2021 08:33

I've never regretted not having a second child. I'm also an only child. Can't imaging having a sibling. Nothing wrong with being an only.

userisi · 14/11/2021 08:38

I'm sure when your child asks why they don't have a sibling and you say it's because you decided taking them swimming was more important that they'll forgive you?!

I'm not sure if this is sarcastic but we had a very open conversation with our eldest that an additional baby would mean no or fewer holidays, clubs etc and he has adamantly stated ever since we're not to have another baby 😂 (for years!) he also discovered the Attenborough documentary on Netflix, I think he'd disown us if we had another.... 😂

Icebreaker99 · 14/11/2021 08:49

Someone I know told me that I should stick with one as there second was such hard work, they said this in front of the first child. Their second child is a very sulky and grumpy child but I do wonder how much this is exasperated by the reputation they are a pain.

A child is not a gift to be given to another child, and only children can thrive, it takes work from the parents to help them to do this, but a sibling isn't a guarantee of company or companionship.

LittleMissPeggySue · 14/11/2021 09:08

I could've written this myself. I'd always wanted 2 kids but after having my first I had PND and just really struggled with the thought of going through childbirth again. We tried for a second one when DS was 4 and again a few years later but we didn't try for that long either time and it just didn't happen. Then we broke up just before I turned 40.

I'm now mid 40's and have been in a relationship for a while but he doesn't want kids and I'm now in the situation where DS is a teenager and I can leave him in the house while I do things like shop, go to the gym etc.

I feel like I never really wanted a second child, like I said we didn't try for that long either time, the marriage was falling apart and I was constantly worrying about money. My regret is that I never felt I wanted another one, rather than not having another one if that makes sense? I wish id wanted more but I didn't and tbh I think i would still be stuck in a marriage that didn't work if I had. DS has never wanted a sibling, he has loads of cousins and lots of friends at school so he doesn't feel like he's missing out.

AreYouRightThereSkippy · 14/11/2021 09:20

I do think having a lot of cousins makes a difference actually. If they have a lot and they actually hang out quite a lot, I think that can be as good as, and sometimes even better than, a sibling relationship.

tiggerwhocamefortea · 14/11/2021 10:44

@userisi

Yes I was being sarcastic 🙈

I think if you say to any child you'll have to give up clubs, activities, holidays share toys or share a room etc but you'll have a sibling they'd all say the wouldn't want one

SmellyOldOwls · 14/11/2021 10:53

Oh I grappled with this for years! Eventually had my second when DS had just turned 4. Spent the pregnancy convinced I had done the wrong thing, they would hate each other, DD would have health problems, I'd never sleep again, I'd have no time for DS and I'd ruined everyone's lives and basically everything I had read might happen on mumsnet.

Then she appeared and it was amazing. She's a lovely easy baby. DS adores her. I asked him the other day who his favourite person in the world is and he said his sister. Yes there will be challenges in the future because there always are. But a wanted baby is a blessing. I can't believe I ever second guessed giving my DS a sibling.

userisi · 14/11/2021 11:07

I think if you say to any child you'll have to give up clubs, activities, holidays share toys or share a room etc but you'll have a sibling they'd all say the wouldn't want one

I don't blame them, people like to kid themselves that children want siblings to justify their own decisions (more so for 3+ kids) My kids would give it all up for a dog, but not another sibling 😂

IGotHam · 14/11/2021 11:17

People regret having children all the time, it's not an uncommon phenomenon. Most people won't breathe a word to other people about it though.

4amstarts · 14/11/2021 11:48

@userisi

My eldest was 4 when she started asking for a sibling - I lost 7 babies in 2 years - I suppose part of me kept trying for her - and then I had twins after a LOT of IVF. Her Xmas list this year.....she wants me to have more twins - this time identical sisters 🙈😳

userisi · 14/11/2021 13:10

@4amstarts oh bless her, I'm so sorry for your losses, it must be difficult enough with your own expectations never mind your child's too. I'm sure she felt like she hit the jackpot!

whatever1990 · 28/04/2022 09:39

This thread is old-ish now but it struck a chord so I'll offer my comments.

I went through this about a year after having my 1st. I was constantly niggled with guilty thoughts about my DC not having a sibling. We are not surrounded by many children either so I did find that DC were on there own a lot. Not alone literary, they are always with us but not with other children.

A few weeks into being a new mother, I just knew that I couldn't do it again but was still toying with the idea of having another. The new-born to about 2 years was gruelling and the thought of having to do it again made me feel anxious. I dithered for so long that eventually the age gap there would be between my DC and a possible 2nd just became to large. I could see my life getting easier and easier as the months/years rolled on and I eventually settled down into a life with one child. I was having a conversation with my MIL one day and she said "you have to have another". Oh really, do I???? I asked her to stop and take stock of what she had just said to me. My response was you're asking me to have another child like you would ask me to pick up a pint of milk from the shop. I said, I'll have another but are you going to help me look after it?? You seem to think you can be involved in my decision making so ok, you can be there at 2 in the morning when said baby is screaming for a bottle, or I'm having to entertain my other child after having zero hours sleep. Obviously, she wasn't keen on that idea after I called her out on her ridiculous statement. Funny enough, she never mentioned it again.

I went to visit a friend about 2 years ago who has a 7 year old and a soon to be 5 year old. OMFG - it was chaos. They constantly fight (full on physical, slapping the sh1t out of each other), get up at 5/6 in the morning then won't go to bed at night, they trash the house. My friend can not sit for more than 10 minutes without having to get up and sort something out. I was exhausted and my DC wanted nothing to do with it. I tried to help as much as I could but after a few hours I thought I can't be bothered with this - that was the moment I decided that I would not be having a 2nd child. It would be easy to judge my friend and say that they wasn't parenting correctly to have such a chaotic household, but from what I could see, they were doing everything right. The kids are just full on.

A lot of guilt or regret comes from what you think other people/society expect from you. I could have conformed to my MIL's expectations of me and I know it would have led to me seriously suffering with my mental health. My DC is happy, healthy, dearly loved and my house is quiet and tidy. Amen!! DC now sleep until 8/9 in the morning so I don't walk around looking like a zombie who snaps at every mild irritation. Having another would be like pressing the reset button - no thanks!!

If you don't want another child, then don't have one. Simple. I don't know you or know what your circumstances are but the fact you are hesitant to have another would raise a red flag for me.

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