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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think you can regret having a second child?

114 replies

MoonRiverLaLaLa · 13/11/2021 09:52

I have 1 DC and I can't decide whether to have another.
I don't really feel a desire for another child just yet, but I am feeling guilty that my child won't have a sibling. Or that if something were to happen to my DC, then I won't have anyone left.

You keep hearing that "you never regret having another baby (even if they end up having complex special needs), but you can regret not having a baby". But is it really true?

Tell me your stories where you or someone you know wanted to give your child a sibling and it all went wrong, and now you regret it.

YABU - you can never regret a second child, even if your life becomes much harder
YANBU - you can regret having a second child

OP posts:

User310 · 13/11/2021 11:06

I think it’s very hard to regret a child that you love immensely. I think you can recognise life would have been easier and less stressful with just one though.

olderthanyouthink · 13/11/2021 11:10

@AreYouRightThereSkippy same DC1 was a horrendous sleeper, DC2 is an great sleeper. I thing DC1 will just be harder than DC2 so i thinking it would be easier to have regrets if they were the other way round

Comedycook · 13/11/2021 11:11

Well of course you can. Some people regret having one child,or two or three. I have two. I'm happy with that. I don't have three because I know I would regret that.

I will say though that two is a manageable number and actually can make life easier as they have each other for entertainment rather than just you!

Notgettingbetter · 13/11/2021 11:12

My one child is still an horrific sleeper at four years old. If someone could guarantee a good sleeper for a second child I'd go for it, but I'm not prepared to take the risk.

IncompleteSenten · 13/11/2021 11:13

Nobody can say that it is impossible for anyone, anywhere, under any circumstances to regret a second child.

Don't have a child for any other reason than you really want a child.

Onatree · 13/11/2021 11:15

Hypothetical discussions about the emotions you may feel in un/planned scenarios are: hypothetical discussions.

You will not be able to establish how exactly you may or may not feel after a 6-9 lb human emerges out of you - with or without special needs, with or without certain delightful or awful traits, with or without any family fortunes or disasters unfolding.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/11/2021 11:15

I my have a second child because you want one. I have an only and it’s been a great fit for us. Easier to work in professional job. She obviously benefits materially - holidays, activities etc. She is happy as an only. Lots are onelies now or from different family set ups. I personally don’t believe all lose old stereotypes.

Hoppinggreen · 13/11/2021 11:19

I adore DS but I think DD would have been happier as an Only.
I wouldn’t say I regret having him as he’s awesome but if I could turn the clock back I probably wouldn’t do it again

BruiserWoods · 13/11/2021 11:19

I can recognise that my life would have been much calmer and easier if I hadn't had second child. Different sexes as well so I struggled to get a 3 bed place. a 2 bed would have been cheaper and easier. 2nd child has demand avoidance. it's been hard. it's still hard. Not that I care anymore but obviously you're a less attractive prospect to a potential new relationship if you have not one but two children and one of them very difficult. I'd say that the way having a second child impacted on my life as a single mother was poorer quality of housing because I always had to have 3 bedrooms and staying single. I had too much on my plate for a new relationship(tried a couple of times, too hard) so, 14 years on, still single, still in a place with 3 beds but it's really shabby, tiny, delapidated, too far out of the town we live in.

But perhaps the worst thing is that dc1 gets annoyed that I cannot treat them ''the same''. They are different. Different abilities, different emotional levels, different sexes, different people. But yet dc1 angry and that has affected our relationship negatively.

VladmirsPoutine · 13/11/2021 11:20

My position has always been don't have a child unless you desperately want one. That said, this:

"Tell me your stories where you or someone you know wanted to give your child a sibling and it all went wrong, and now you regret it."

Sounds very 'This is Life'.

BadwordMcGee · 13/11/2021 11:23

I love both my children, and I'm very glad I got to meet DC2, she's been very healing of the trauma I experienced from DC1. However there are lots of times I wish I'd stuck to one child. If DC1&2

Fifthtimelucky · 13/11/2021 11:36

Of course you can regret having a second child- or a third, or a fourth or indeed a first.

I had two and don't regret it for a minute. I slightly regret that I didn't have a third, but know that we were right to stop when we did (both because of our ages and financially).

I think it can be hard to separate out your feelings for the child and your feelings for the situation and I imagine it's difficult to people to say that they regret having a child because it's tantamount to saying that you wish that one of your children hadn't been born. Few parents will ever want to admit that.

I'd say if you don't feel a desire for another child you shouldn't have one.

Phoebesgift · 13/11/2021 11:40

My second DD has autism. Honestly feel DD1 would've been happier as an only. DD2 is a lovely child but she causes her sister embarrassment at school and with friends and DD2 can be quite mean and unfriendly to her a lot of the time.
Life would've been easier without her but I can't say I regret it. I wish they were close though and had a good sibling relationship though.

RealBecca · 13/11/2021 11:40

Plenty of people dont like their siblings and i take comfort in knowing i have no obligation to keep going if i lost my child.

Unless you feel like you NEED another baby i think ots a bad decision. Plenty of research supports the benefits of only children.

Original poster

MoonRiverLaLaLa · 13/11/2021 11:42

I think it’s taboo to say you regret having a child regardless of how many you have. I’m sure there are many people who regret a second but never say anything about it.

That's why I asked on an anonymous board.

Even here most of the responses are along the lines "Having a second/third/etc child made my life more difficult, but I totally adore him". Based on that, is seems like having a second child is no-brainer, right? You will pretty much never regret it!

(No, I'm not going to make my decision just based on that )

And thanks to everyone who has responded so far, btw!

OP posts:

Aria2015 · 13/11/2021 11:43

I love having a second but my first child regularly tells me he preferred it when it was just him! He's not feeling the benefits of a sibling! Hoping that changes in time! 🤞🏻

Original poster

MoonRiverLaLaLa · 13/11/2021 11:53

That's a good point. I wish it wasn't such a taboo. It's hard to make a good decision if you don't have correct data.

OP posts:

DancyNancy · 13/11/2021 12:01

Listen to your gut.
I didn't Liste to mine.
I convinced myself it would be fine, that PND and anxiety wouldn't be an issue
That it would be much easier
That I knew what I was doing this time round so it wouldn't be so hard
Everyone else does it so I'll be grand.....

I had twins

They are lovely. But being a parent of 3 takes major toll on me. I work v hard to be a good mom. It affects me massively. But I try my best for them.
I should have listened to my gut though.

Titoth · 13/11/2021 12:06

@bookworm14

There are regularly threads on here from people who regret having kids, including people who admit life would be easier if they hadn’t had a second. But I wouldn’t worry about other people - the only reason to have a second child is if you want one.

I really disagree with this. The world is in a terrible state and it's going to get much worse, well within our children's lifetimes. The most important person in this decision is the unborn child. Your current child will probably, like most people, spend his/her life with friends and partners. Don't screw child 2 for the sake of child 1.

BruiserWoods · 13/11/2021 12:06

I went further than the "made my life harder but i love my dc2" position.

Im not sentimental. If my dc2 werent here, i wouldnt miss him. TOTALLY DIFFERENT from having had that child and then suffered loss.

So im going to say that although i accept this reality, not having had dc2 would have given me a better life that I DO HANKER AFTER

Naughtynovembertree · 13/11/2021 12:11

I think you absolutely can regret having a second child.
Even without complex special needs.

Phyllis321 · 13/11/2021 12:14

Hand on heart, I'm so glad we only had one. I have two close friends and for both of them their younger child is a dreadful worry to the families (for different reasons). I did briefly hanker after a second, but it really was a brief yearning that I'm very glad I resisted.
Depressingly, part of my lack of regret is the shitty state of the world. I feel like I can protect my one child to some extent but the worry is already significant.

TaraRhu · 13/11/2021 12:24

Yanbu

Of course you can regret having a second child. Everyone's experience of having one or multiple children is different and depends on lots of factors. If you have a partner, how strong your relationship is if you are in one, how financially secure you are, how career orientated you are, what makes you happy etc

I would use your experience of your first child as a guide as to how you will cope as it's kind of more of the same.

For what's it's worth I recently had my second and I find it so much easier than my first. Totally different. It's a real joy having two. Watching them laugh with each other melts my heart. Mind you my daughter is a particularly easy baby. I had easy births with both of them and found that my kids really strengthened my relationships with my husband and family. So I wasn't reluctant to have a second. But that's my experience.

Nothing wrong with one. I know plenty of people who don't want a second and that's the right choice for them. It's not selfish at all.

TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 13/11/2021 12:34

I can’t say about regretting a child, I’ve been happier with each one I’ve had, but one is totally fine. No one needs to we’ve have more, especially not because of fomo.

BudgeSquare · 13/11/2021 12:35

I'm the eldest of three and I really wish my parents had stopped after me. So don't do it for the sake of your existing child.

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