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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you can regret having a second child?

114 replies

MoonRiverLaLaLa · 13/11/2021 09:52

I have 1 DC and I can't decide whether to have another.
I don't really feel a desire for another child just yet, but I am feeling guilty that my child won't have a sibling. Or that if something were to happen to my DC, then I won't have anyone left.

You keep hearing that "you never regret having another baby (even if they end up having complex special needs), but you can regret not having a baby". But is it really true?

Tell me your stories where you or someone you know wanted to give your child a sibling and it all went wrong, and now you regret it.

YABU - you can never regret a second child, even if your life becomes much harder
YANBU - you can regret having a second child

OP posts:
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 13/11/2021 19:13

@Ricetwisty

Ok thank you for sharing! It’s a worry of mine given my siblings/my own childhood but I’ve always told myself with a loving and stable home it wouldn’t happen to my children. I’m sorry to hear about your brother

InvincibleInvisibility · 13/11/2021 19:16

My 2nd vastly improved our family life. DS1 was/is very intense (now diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia) and DS2 diluted him and made everything lighter.

They adore playing together and help each other out. Yes there's squabbles but it's rare and never mean.

DS2 made DS1 less self centered - dS1 really cares about DS2 is a way thats different to how he cares about us. DS 2 has learnt a lot from Ds1 and together they can do things I wouldn't let them do by themselves.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 13/11/2021 19:28

My life would be 100% easier if I didn't have a second as I had them really close together but they are great friends and it is getting easier in some ways(and harder in others). I definitely don't regret having a second though it's just life is much more chaotic. Friends of mine who didn't have them so close together seem to cope better than me but the gap is too large for them to play together. I realise this might not be helpful but this is just my experience of it. I think if you are happy with the way your life is now you shouldn't feel pressure to have another.

Nailingnow · 13/11/2021 19:30

No way.

I knew I wanted a small age gap (2 years) and knew I had to get pregnant sooner than I was ready.

I knew when I was ready for the 2nd baby I would hate the 9 month pregnancy wait and so I just went for it.

My two boys are so funny together and keep each other entertained so much

Ricetwisty · 13/11/2021 19:32

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@Ricetwisty

Ok thank you for sharing! It’s a worry of mine given my siblings/my own childhood but I’ve always told myself with a loving and stable home it wouldn’t happen to my children. I’m sorry to hear about your brother[/quote]
He is a minority, and providing a stable and loving home absolutely has huge benefits anyway.

HelloBunny · 13/11/2021 19:37

I’m really thrilled with my kid. I love being a mum. I had him quite late in life & have no intention of having another child. So, no regret here at not having a second child. I don’t think it about much at all. Go with your gut feeling...

0verth1inker · 13/11/2021 19:42

If you don’t want a second child don’t have one. Don’t defend your choice, don’t feel guilt you do you!

I won’t be helpful as the second child is the second light of my life and I adore her. The thought of her (or the elder!) not existing doesn’t bear thinking about!

The only person I’ve ever met who’s ‘regretted’ a subsequent child was her third and they had severe disabilities after an awful birth. She loves them obviously but it’s changed the family hugely, she’s had to stop working, it’s impacted the older children and their lifestyle beyond belief. We are very close and she’s confided a few times she wish she’d never had a third. He’s a gorgeous child but life is hard.

JSL52 · 13/11/2021 20:43

To dread every part of parenting day and night. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4400859-to-dread-every-part-of-parenting-day-and-night

saltontoast · 13/11/2021 20:52

We had a second DC, I love him more than anything. Things have changed dramatically and I'm not better off for it but hey, he's here and I wanted him. I do worry and have a lot more stress than I used to, basic things are a lot harder for us but this is due to a small age gap.

I count my blessings he's here, because we were infertile and needed ivf to have first DC but I did have regrets at times but I think that was the baby blues

drpet49 · 13/11/2021 20:59

The only regrets I know of are from people who chose to have 1 child.

Peeceandquite · 13/11/2021 21:14

Don't regret the first 2 at all. Don't regret the 3rd as such as I love him dearly, but my health has deteriorated a lot since he was born and I'm not in the situation I thought I'd be in. Life is generally a struggle. During low moments I wonder how much easier things would be if I'd made a different decision. I absolutely wouldn't be without him now though, but if I'd never had him I wouldn't know any different.

But then I wonder if I hadn't had him would I be sitting here wishing I'd had another 🤷

Darkstar4855 · 13/11/2021 21:21

I think my son gets far more benefit from the time that I have for him as an only child than he loses by not having a sibling. If I’d had a second I wouldn’t have been able to do half the stuff like swimming lessons, outdoor activities, travel etc. because I’d have been too busy looking after the baby.

Do what feels right for you.

userisi · 13/11/2021 21:23

I've seen it spouted on here endless times, extremely irresponsible. I can completely imagine regretting having another child, which is why I won't do it despite my hormones sometimes telling me to go for it.

themerrywifeofwindsor · 13/11/2021 21:32

I know it won't be this way forever, but right now I regret having more than 1. I have 2 and all they do is fight, from morning until night. You would not believe the things they find to fight about. It's like a competition to see who can get more attention by behaving the worst. We now do stuff with them separately as much as possible as they're both much better behaved without their sibling there.

BootsScootsAndToots · 13/11/2021 22:35

I was on the fence about having dc2 but knew I wanted to dc1 to have a sibling so went for it.

Best thing we did. Corny as fuck, but she completes our family.

You can regret anything in life, going for dc2/3 not going for dc2/3 etc.

Make your own choice and own it. Don't be swayed by others!

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 14/11/2021 05:44

if I’d had a second I wouldn’t have been able to do half the stuff like swimming lessons, outdoor activities

I have 2 and I’m still perfectly able to do these things with my 3 year old. The baby just comes along for the ride/husband or I have to do swimming when the other one can have the baby and vice versa so the baby can swim too it’s not hard

violetanemone · 14/11/2021 05:50

I really think you can regret it.

A close friend of mine has two children. I know that she only really wanted one but her partner was pushing for a second. The first child they had, she poured so much love and attention into, spent every waking minute doing activities with them, supporting their growth and development etc.

The second child just wasn't the same, not that she didn't love the child - obvioulsy now they're here she dotes on them both equally. But the second definitely hasn't had the same experience as the first because she just hasn't been able or willing to devote the same time.

Second child also has special needs and is proving very challenging, aggressive to other children at nursery etc. She is really struggling to cope, whereas the first child was (and still is) a breeze. I'm sure she has regrets although of course she would never wish the child away now that they're here.

It's very difficult but I really don't think that reasons of fear should drive your decision to have a second child or not (e.g. worried that your child won't have a sibling, worried that you won't have anyone)... they are negative reasons for having a child, which stem from fears and doubts.

A child should only be brought into the world for positive reasons - because thay are truly wanted.

tiggerwhocamefortea · 14/11/2021 05:51

*if I’d had a second I wouldn’t have been able to do half the stuff like swimming lessons, outdoor activities
*
I'm sure when your child asks why they don't have a sibling and you say it's because you decided taking them swimming was more important that they'll forgive you?!

My second was twins. We fought long and hard for them and spent every penny we had to conceive them. I'll never regret them. Ever. Sometimes I think the only people that have this discussion are the blissfully fertile who could get pregnant tomorrow if they wanted to. People who find it harder to conceive tend to have a different outlook on it all

Midlifemusings · 14/11/2021 06:16

I think what most people mean is that once you know and love the second child, you feel the same about them as a person as you do about your first child. That birth order doesn't dictate love. If the first child was difficult and the second an easy baby - you might even regret the first child more than the second!

I think it is more some people regret two kids because of cost or whatever factor - but they don't regret the child who they love.

Brenttent · 14/11/2021 06:23

@Chichichiwawa

I am feeling guilty that my child won't have a sibling. Or that if something were to happen to my DC, then I won't have anyone left

Two absolutely terrible reasons to have a baby. Like if something happens to the first one, the second is some kind of consolation prize. If you don't want another baby you don't have to have one.

I think this is a harsh opinion and it sounds very much like you don't have an only yourself.

Having a sibling would be consultation to some degree if your parents were to die God forbid also the bond you have it's different to friends. I know there's no guarantee kids will get along but that's life! There's risks to everything but we still proceed.

DBI78 · 14/11/2021 07:12

The thing is you don't want a second child so unless you change your mind don't do it. There are so many positives to being a single child. Don't do something because society states it's "normal"

PurpleOkapi · 14/11/2021 07:13

Of course you can regret having a second child. You can regret having a first child, too. Though typically people in that situation don't try for a second.

Chichichiwawa · 14/11/2021 07:17

How is it harsh to question her reasons for wanting a second baby? A baby should be wanted and loved for it's own sake. If these are the only two reasons the op has for wanting another baby, then in my opinion they are terrible reasons. There's no mention in the op of having any kind of yearning for a second baby for its own sake. It's not the middle ages anymore. You don't need an heir and a spare. A baby should be actively wanted, and it doesn't sound like she does want one.

Undertheoldlindentree · 14/11/2021 07:19

Go with your own gut feeling.

LoveComesQuickly · 14/11/2021 07:24

I think from the wording of your post you should stop at one, OP. It’s definitely possible to regret having a second child!