AIBU to think you can regret having a second child?

[MoonRiverLaLaLa]

I have 1 DC and I can't decide whether to have another.
I don't really feel a desire for another child just yet, but I am feeling guilty that my child won't have a sibling. Or that if something were to happen to my DC, then I won't have anyone left.

You keep hearing that "you never regret having another baby (even if they end up having complex special needs), but you can regret not having a baby". But is it really true?

Tell me your stories where you or someone you know wanted to give your child a sibling and it all went wrong, and now you regret it.

YABU - you can never regret a second child, even if your life becomes much harder
YANBU - you can regret having a second child

I have one DC. My best friend has four. She is continously going on and on at me about having more, but I don't want anymore.

We are financially stable with one child. Having a second would be a financially stretch - especially the childcare costs when one DC is at school and the other isn't.

Don't be guilted into providing a sibling for your DC. Anyway, they might not get along. Just because siblings are related doesn't mean they will like each other. I have a sibling and we have separate lives.. not because we don't like each other but more because we are very different people with completely different interests.

Like anything in life, of course you can regret having another. If you just want one child then you don't need to justify that, or find reasons why you need to have another.

Of course you can regret it, many people do but it’s not the kind of thing you admit to is it. I regret having children as in if I knew how my life would have ended up I wouldn’t have had any, still love them though but I can’t help feeling this way.

I don't regret my second. She's only 5 months ATM but it's been hard and she's a fairly ' easy ' baby
My first was a ' high needs baby ' she's 5 now
Still have moments where I wonder why I've done this again though as I don't really enjoy the baby stage . This time I know it's a phase that will pass

I would say you can regret it and there will be people who do, but it's unlikely they would admit it.

I only have one child and although we briefly thought about another, we decided against it. Our son is a very happy only and I feel we can give him a lot of things we couldn't with more than one (time being a big one!).

I am the middle of 3. When it was just me and my brother, I was happy. We have always been very close, got on well, played together.

My parents had my sister when I was 4 and in all honesty, neither me nor my brother benefited in any way. Our sister has always been very highly strung/high needs. Even now, at 30, our parents are still running round after her constantly. Life would certainly have been easier if they had stuck at 2.

I had no urge for a second but wanted DC1 to have a sibling. Now 18 and 16, and their interactions and seeing them grow up and experience the best of family times together, has been the very best part of parenting.

Personally I don’t know anyone who regrets the second but I do know people who regret the third. Naturally that doesn’t mean they don’t exist just that I don’t know any.

I found having the second made me more relaxed and not so worried about doing things ‘perfectly’. My kids are 15 and 13 and eldest told me recently she is glad that she has a sibling, not because they are super close (they get on fine) but because she feels she has learned things from having a sibling that she thinks are benefical. So there is value in having a sibling that goes beyond whether the kids are close or not.

I only have one and never seriously considered a second (nor was it possible for me as my marriage broke down).

Anecdotally, I have noticed that a lot of people I know who more or less coped with one found two to be the straw that broke the camel's back, particularly working mums. I have several friends who worked FT and managed with one child and found that they couldn't cope after a second and either went PT or dropped out of the workforce altogether. Clearly if you don't want to work that's less of a concern.

I've never heard any of them say they regretted having the child and they love the second children of course. But it does seem to bring a step change in terms of the manageability of your life.

I had two, with a small gap. There were times I regretted dc2, as they were v v hard work and I felt I made dc1 grow up too fast,as all my time was spent managing dc2. They are v different, sometimes I think deliberately so, and have never played together, so it's like having 2 only children.

I really disagree with this. The world is in a terrible state and it's going to get much worse, well within our children's lifetimes. The most important person in this decision is the unborn child.
Your current child will probably, like most people, spend his/her life with friends and partners. Don't screw child 2 for the sake of child 1.

I think you misunderstood my point. I meant only have a second child if YOU want one, not to ‘give’ child 1 a sibling! I only have one child myself.

Quote fail - sorry.

Wanting one isn't a good enough reason, though.

I love having a second child but I was 100% sure I wanted a second child. There was never any doubt. I have never had any regrets love having 2 and they both get on great. I also think it really completed our family.
I'm sure there are lots of people who will say different I think everyone is different ect and situation is different.

I think the best advice is to only have a second, if you really want one.
You will always have guilt! You’ll have guilt no matter how many you do or do not go on to have. You’ll have guilt over having 1 or guilt if you have more than one (that you’re not giving enough time to each one individually/ that your eldest doesn’t get as much time with you anymore, that you’re not giving your youngest as much attention as your eldest got at that age etc.)
Mum guilt is a bitch! (And I say mum guilt as I have questioned many dads before and they just don’t seem to get it like the mums do!)

I have an only- same reason as you’re stating- I just never had the desire for any more! Can’t be bothered when I go round to friends and family (with more than 1) with the noise and bickering also!

But I did find it hard for years- always having to justify myself and put up with the comments of how he would be lonely etc. To make it easier on myself- I always told myself I would revisit if I wanted another or not each new year- and I never did so it never happened.

He’s up a good bit now but he’s always been very contented, confident and never lonely (I did always make sure to give him the opportunity to bring friends away with us on day trips or holidays and we always had company/play dates lined up for him at weekends ) and he has never had the desire to have a sibling.

I think society puts too much pressure on people to have more than one (although it’s slightly changing now). We are more than happy as a family of 3 and I have no doubt (now!) that we made the right decision.

These threads pop up all the time. Tbh it’s
such a massively personal thing that a two option poll is not really worth a jot. The only person who can reliably confirm relief or regret at the decision you make will be you…after you’ve already made it and it’s too late to choose the other option!

I guess what I’m saying is that comments about ‘won’t your only child be lonely’ etc etc aren’t worth a penny, simply because nobody else has the same combination of partner, other sibling, job, income, house, personality, support network etc etc, nor is one baby as easy to manage as the next. I don’t understand how any stranger can say ‘YABU - you can never regret a second child’ when there are infinite variables at play.’ They might not have done but you could do.

You aren’t physic. Use your own gut instinct. It’s the only thing that remotely counts in the decision.

I didn't regret it but I know family and friends who did. My eldest cousin just walked out one day on 3 kids many years ago and got on a motorbike and went travelling. She just couldn't take it and said she was going to have a break down. She got pregnant with the second and in the end they were twins and she had 3 whereas before she had one child and she had no family or friends nearby. She told me at the eldest one's wedding last year that she only fell pregnant to give a sibling to the first one but knew deep down she didn't really want a second and then of course she had twins. Her relationship with her kids has never been great and the kids are closer with her mum (my aunt, the grandmother) than with my cousin - very sad. If she only had one, she may have stuck around in my view.

I also know friends who feel resentful and extremely stressed when having a second child but our religion/society puts pressure on them to do so. So, i would say only have a second if 100% you want a second, its a lot of work and although I don't regret having 3, you have to really be in the right place mentally to raise 2 or more kids in society today

There are no guarantees of what 'a sibling' will be to your existing child, are there.

My second-born is a delight. She's lovely company and for the most part the pair of them adore each other and we're all glad she's here. But that sibling bond has been hard-won, and I very much wanted a second child, and even still over the past couple of years (money troubles and pandemic stress) I've frequently thought how much easier many things would be if I'd stopped at one.

Definitely the one-child families I know (peers of both my eldest and my youngest) lead what look like more fulfilling and adventurous lives than we currently do. And likewise my family experience of caring for elderly parents is that siblings don't necessarily share the burden or provide solidarity. There's a lot to be said for stopping at one.

I genuinely feel as if having 2 has just been 2 x the love and 2 x the happiness! Hopefully I feel like that with #3 😆

I am an only child and I longed for sibling all my life. Now in my mid seventies. I was lonely at times during my childhood, like holidays, festivals and of course, in my day, every Sunday. I did have a large family of cousins with whom I spent many happy days as we all lived locally.

I felt very alone when dealing with end of life events with my parents. Thank goodness I had the support of my two adult children.

My first child was a first grandchild to each family, and to my eyes perfect. I worried endlessly over a second child in case of disability etc. However they turned it to be as equally perfect as my first. Very different but have wonderful relationship as adults.

@Justaflippertyjibbet

I am an only child and I longed for sibling all my life. Now in my mid seventies. I was lonely at times during my childhood, like holidays, festivals and of course, in my day, every Sunday. I did have a large family of cousins with whom I spent many happy days as we all lived locally.

I felt very alone when dealing with end of life events with my parents. Thank goodness I had the support of my two adult children.

My first child was a first grandchild to each family, and to my eyes perfect. I worried endlessly over a second child in case of disability etc. However they turned it to be as equally perfect as my first. Very different but have wonderful relationship as adults.

Not all siblings get on though, my brother abused me, stole from me, commanded all of my parents time, was an addict and all round ruined my childhood. I thankfully have nothing to do with him now, and deal with people's judgement on that and a feeling of guilt around it. I'd rather DS feels like he potentially missed out on a wonderful sibling relationship rather than risk it.

@Ricetwisty

Can I ask what your childhood was like? Did your brother experience differently from you? I’m so curious about why one sibling can turn out differently like that, particularly if they both come from a stable and loving home

I have two DS’ very close in age, DS1 was the most easy baby, great sleeper, very contented, lulled me into a false sense of security, I wanted another DC by the time DS1 was four months old, I was pregnant by the time DS1 was a year old. DS2 was a total different story, very difficult baby, the first 7 mths were total hell, thank goodness for my lovely MIL that helped us so much. Now my two DS’s are 20 & 18 they are best friends as well as brothers, they love each other so much, and share such a bond. No regrets in having my two, and if DS2 hadn’t been such a difficult baby, I would have considered a 3rd.

@Justaflippertyjibbet

I am an only child and I longed for sibling all my life. Now in my mid seventies. I was lonely at times during my childhood, like holidays, festivals and of course, in my day, every Sunday. I did have a large family of cousins with whom I spent many happy days as we all lived locally.

I felt very alone when dealing with end of life events with my parents. Thank goodness I had the support of my two adult children.

My first child was a first grandchild to each family, and to my eyes perfect. I worried endlessly over a second child in case of disability etc. However they turned it to be as equally perfect as my first. Very different but have wonderful relationship as adults.

I'm sorry you felt that way.

I have 5 siblings, and longed to be an only child my entire childhood. As adults, none of us speak, not due to falling out but as we have virtually nothing but our parents in common. Having to undertake joint decision making (such as care of elderly parents) has been a nightmare, and there's been no support from siblings at all. We're either all at odds about the best course of action or feel one or the other isn't pulling their weight or is taking over things. I doubt once both parents are dead we'll not see each other again.

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@Ricetwisty

Can I ask what your childhood was like? Did your brother experience differently from you? I’m so curious about why one sibling can turn out differently like that, particularly if they both come from a stable and loving home[/quote]
Nothing at all, my parents were extremely fair in term of money and time spent on us etc. We didn't have a lot, but we had enough that we didn't miss out on anything or worry where our next meal was coming from; no one in even the extended family has ever been in trouble with the law or taken drugs (to an extent it affects their life anyway, I'm sure some have dabbled socially!). The only thing between us is he was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and apparently that can lead to addictive behaviours, although obviously not saying everyone who has it is like that, but I wonder if it played a part. Obviously once he became a living nightmare he had a disproportionate amount of time and money spent on him, but prior to that nothing was different.

Did wonder if concealed abuse or something took place, but as he used emotional blackmail as a form of control I'm sure he would have said for his own benefit.