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Original poster

What is the nicest way to bow out of a wedding!

104 replies

Opal93 · 13/11/2021 01:36

I know this is very late but the anxiety over this is actually keeping me awake! So my cousin is getting married in August abroad, and I was asked to be bridesmaid. Part of me really does want to as she was mine and we’ve talked about it since we were small, but she has changed a lot over the years and we don’t necessarily get along anymore. Anyway, the issue is this, my son has severe autism so me and my husband agreed there was just no way we could take him to a foreign country and expect him not to kick off, I know it would be too hard on him. So we compromised that just me and my youngest would go for 3 nights and my husband would stay at home with my autistic son. But now the time has come to book flights and it is only possible to go for 7 days. This is just too long for my son to be without me, and too long for my youngest not to be with his Daddy. I wouldn’t expect this of anyone. When I told my family this they put a lot of pressure on me saying I will “ruin” everything if I don’t go. I am completely torn. I know in my heart if the anxiety about being away from my son is this bad then I shouldn’t, but I do feel I’m letting family down and don’t want to hurt them. I wish I had more time to come to a decision but they are really piling on the pressure with “you need to book flights NOW!” I should also mention she wants the hen do abroad, and the costs just keep going up and up and up and while I could technically afford it it is causing stress because we are talking thousands. I’d be grateful for advice on how to handle this

OP posts:
RainbowMum11 · 13/11/2021 01:42

Well, you won't ruin the wedding, but neither is a week too long generally to not see a parent (I'm speaking for your youngest child who will be with you, this is not taking your older child's autism into consideration) especially now there are video calls etc.
If it's too long to be away, then that's it - you won't be spoiling anything, sore they will miss you being there, but your kids have to be your priority and you wouldn't enjoy it if you were worrying anyway.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 13/11/2021 01:42

Just rip the plaster off. Say no sorry not feasible - can’t afford it and can’t manage that long a time. Better to do it now with plenty of time for them to get over it. If she is a bridezilla then there will be many other outrages before next summer which will occupy her thoughts. If you try to delay it by equivocating you’ll just drag out the drama.

Blondie1984 · 13/11/2021 01:43

They are emotionally blackmailing you - yes I’m sure they will be disappointed if you don’t go but ruin the whole thing? You aren’t that powerful - it’s your cousin’s day - the focus will be her.

If you don’t feel you can go then tell your cousin - explain the situation to her, tell your family and make it clear it isn’t up for discussion. However, if you do want to go, the could you start practicing being away from your son for gradually increasing periods of time so he gets used to it?

I’m not sure I understand why you would have to go for 7 days though?

RainbowMum11 · 13/11/2021 01:44

If you really wanted to, you could soften the blow by going to her overseas hen do, but really - who has an abroad hen do and then also gets married abroad!

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 13/11/2021 01:50

Could you have a private word with your cousin and just say your DH can't get the dates off work for the hen do and you can only go for say 3-4 days for the wedding? Or is she really unreasonable?

I think your family are being really unfair to pressure you like that I'd tell them to sod off! If they aren't paying for your flights and accommodation they have no right to make you seem like a bad guy for bowing out.

Jobegg · 13/11/2021 02:06

I assume that the location only has once weekly flights from your local airport?

Just apologise and say you can’t. It sounds like your caring responsibilities mean it’s just too much.

I would also be afraid of costs spiralling.

I would hope that family that know your circumstances would be understanding.

You may be able to spend a week apart and you may be able to technically afford it but also why should you flog yourself and bend over backwards for this? Nope.

BudrosBudrosGalli · 13/11/2021 02:10

Why would anyone spend thousands on going to someone else's wedding, especially someone you don't adore or love! That is your other really understandable reasons aside. Just say no now and put the money aside for something that benefits your family.

Anordinarymum · 13/11/2021 02:18

Tell them you are in debt and can't afford to go. Job done

GrandmasCat · 13/11/2021 02:25

I’m sure your youngest will be ok without seeing his dad for a week. Your oldest one may be ok without seeing you for a week, but that is more difficult to predict.

Personally, I do think you won’t be the first one bowing out of the wedding, or the last one, when a wedding is taking place abroad it is understandable that many won’t be able to come due to the additional expense or inconvenience so, talk to your cousin and ignore the comments of your family.

It is somewhat selfish to do a wedding abroad, it would be incredibly selfish of your cousin not to understand not all people will be able to join her. I’m pretty sure she will be more understanding than what you think.

Catflapkitkat · 13/11/2021 02:32

I agree with Simonedebeauvoirscat rip the plaster off and stand firm. Your reasons are plenty valid. Apologise, you did try, you looked into it but a week is too expensive and too long to be away from your son. Offer to reimburse any expenses like your bridesmaid dress etc.

And inform your family that the absence of a cousin has NEVER ruined any wedding.

Good luck OP

ButtonMoonLoon · 13/11/2021 02:54

Your children come first.
People who have children without any additional needs often don’t get it, so I would try to accept the fact that they won’t understand. People saying ‘ a week is not too long for a child not to see their parent’- well it depends on the individual child so that’s quite an unfair comment to make. You know your children best, not anyone else.
Your priority is your own little family, hopefully your cousin will understand and if she doesn’t, well, thank goodness you won’t be spending a week hours away from home with her.
Think about what will make this easiest for you. Perhaps a card or something or maybe face to face would be better, but I would just deal with your cousin. Don’t be drawn into conversations with other members of the family about it. Have a sentence prepared that will shut down any dialogue and then change the subject.
But do it as soon as you possibly can before plans progress any further- I bet it will be a weight off your mind once you’ve got it out of the way!

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 13/11/2021 02:58

Look, all bets are off when it comes to parenting a child with additional needs, and anyone who doesn’t get this, doesn’t deserve to be pandered to.

You can’t do, and you don’t want to do it. That means you don’t do it.

Be upfront, explain the situation briefly, apologise for not being able to be there, but unfortunately that’s the way it is.

They will get over it.

PrincessNutella · 13/11/2021 03:38

Nobody's, I repeat nobody's life will be ruined because a cousin did not go to a destination wedding. I am 100 percent sure of that. Your family needs a jumbo bucket of chill pills or failing that, to be mocked to their faces for bride's-family-zilla-ing. You actually have great excuses--gosh I so much wanted to be there, but between Young Reginald's Settling into School and the fact it would take seven days and I would have to spend so much dough, I just ouldn't fix that. And I am so sad to miss all of you. Please know you hve a special dinner waiting fo r you here and I hope to meet up with you again in London. Please look forward for a package from us which will be coming in the mail shortly xoxo...

NameChangeNameShange · 13/11/2021 04:39

I presume your cousin knows about your oldest son and his autism. So I think you just have to be honest and say what you said in your OP. You had worked out a plan where you could leave him for 3 days, but now you find out it would need to be 7 it won't work. You're really sorry but he has to be a priority. Don't over egg it, don't add on extra excuses like the youngest one. Just keep to the basic facts. And like a PP do it now, and do it decisively so everyone can move on.

And if it was me - because I'm awful people pleaser - I'd have a plan of something special that you could do which fitted your own specific logistics such as a special lunch or the usual "MN spa day".

GemmaRuby · 13/11/2021 04:48

The sooner you tell her you can’t go, the better. You will feel so much better once you’ve done it.

The thing about having weddings abroad is you have to be prepared that some people can’t/won’t make it. There is no other context in which you would “invite” your family to give up a week of their time and spend thousands of pounds of their own money.

You say you feel like you’re letting your family down… but your children and DH are your family too and you’re prioritising what’s right for them and you.

Just tell the bride you can’t go because it’s too long to leave DS. If she understands, great. If she doesn’t understand then your relationship is probably not great and it’s good that you’re not spending thousands of pounds to be her bridesmaid.

HotToddyColdSauvignon · 13/11/2021 04:53

It’s an invitation. It’s not a summons.

Keep repeating that in your head and send a polite note of regret. Then keep repeating it when the inevitable phone calls come in

Philandbill · 13/11/2021 05:12

That's a great phrase @HotToddyColdSauvignon Smile

violetanemone · 13/11/2021 05:45

I think if you decide to get marry abroad then unfortunately this is just one of the things you have to accept - some people aren't able to travel, especially those with children, and especially those with autistic children!

You shouldn't feel bad about not going if you really think it would be damaging for your family.

NessieMcNessface · 13/11/2021 05:56

You sound a really nice person OP and I hope you’re finally asleep now after all your anxiety. I have nothing new to add as it’s all been said but I hope you find the strength to do what others have suggested and pull out of this wedding; you will feel so much better when you do so. There are some really good comments on here and for what it’s worth , GemmaRuby’s advice mirrors my feelings on the subject exactly.

Royalgalas · 13/11/2021 06:00

If a wedding is capable of being "ruined" by a family member not attending, then why would the bride and groom arrange it to take place abroad??

Not in the slightest bit unreasonable, OP. All you can do is express your regret and hold firm. They'll get over it.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 13/11/2021 06:08

The nicest way to do it is as soon as possible. I had an issue with my brothers wedding which was on the West Coast of the States. It clashed with my youngest dds last week at primary school (parties, leavers assembly etc). I know he thought it was unreasonable but I don't regret it. And I told him about 7 months before the wedding.
So I would message/write your cousin directly
" I would have loved to have attended this very special family event. I have looked at how we can attend and sadly this won't be possible. As you know, child 1 will not cope with the travel or indeed me leaving him for the week that flights dictate I would need. I am sure you will have the best day of your life and hopefully we can plan something special to catch up afterwards and see your pics and video.
Lots of love

Notaroadrunner · 13/11/2021 06:35

This is your decision and has nothing to do with the rest of your family. Call your cousin today. Explain that as the flights only go once a week you are no longer able to go as that won't work for your family. As for your family, tell them to sod off. Nobody's wedding gets ruined by the absence of one person unless that person is the bride or groom.

MakeItRain · 13/11/2021 06:50

It's fine to say no. Just speak to her and say you've looked into flights but you can only find flights for a 7 day holiday. Say your son's autism means he simply won't manage that length of break and the impact on him will be too great. Tell her that you're telling her now in plenty of notice for next August so that she can choose another bridesmaid if she wants. And finally that you hope her wedding goes really well and you'll want to see all the photos. Write down what you want to say before you call. If a call seems too much with your anxiety, then send an email.

Ignore the people putting pressure on you. They are not the people who will need to live with the impact this will have on your son.

Call or email then do something lovely with your family. Keep your head down for a while. They might fuss but it will blow over. There's nothing wrong with deciding not to go. People who have weddings abroad need to factor in that many people won't be able to make it for all sorts of reasons (cost/ time off work/ leaving family).

Do it today and go for a lovely walk/lunch/buy yourself a little treat Flowers

Awrite · 13/11/2021 06:50

No need to explain. With any explanation you will be offered solutions.

Just say, no, not possible.

If you are feeling this anxious now, imagine how you will feel next summer. The dread. No, get that weight off your shoulders.

A580Hojas · 13/11/2021 07:12

I'm sure you won't be the only guest declining given the circumstances!