What is the nicest way to bow out of a wedding!

[Opal93]

I know this is very late but the anxiety over this is actually keeping me awake! So my cousin is getting married in August abroad, and I was asked to be bridesmaid. Part of me really does want to as she was mine and we’ve talked about it since we were small, but she has changed a lot over the years and we don’t necessarily get along anymore. Anyway, the issue is this, my son has severe autism so me and my husband agreed there was just no way we could take him to a foreign country and expect him not to kick off, I know it would be too hard on him. So we compromised that just me and my youngest would go for 3 nights and my husband would stay at home with my autistic son. But now the time has come to book flights and it is only possible to go for 7 days. This is just too long for my son to be without me, and too long for my youngest not to be with his Daddy. I wouldn’t expect this of anyone. When I told my family this they put a lot of pressure on me saying I will “ruin” everything if I don’t go. I am completely torn. I know in my heart if the anxiety about being away from my son is this bad then I shouldn’t, but I do feel I’m letting family down and don’t want to hurt them. I wish I had more time to come to a decision but they are really piling on the pressure with “you need to book flights NOW!” I should also mention she wants the hen do abroad, and the costs just keep going up and up and up and while I could technically afford it it is causing stress because we are talking thousands. I’d be grateful for advice on how to handle this

I can’t leave my autistic son for more than a night or two and he’s 9, high functioning and relatively calm

Your son alone is a valid excuse and you need to be firm enough on his behalf

Also, I had to leave my autistic daughter for a month when she was about 3, for medical reasons. We missed each other badly but she was fine.

It’s the risk of destination weddings. 🤷🏻‍♀️
But are you sure you can’t get shorter flights?
DD and I came home for my best friends wedding (we’d moved overseas and she was bm), we all still remember it very fondly and clearly. Where are the flights to and from? Via pm if you prefer- I’m an expert at getting to places cheaply and swiftly!

All this fucking hen dos abroad bollocks, who do people think they are?! What happened to just having a night out?

Can't you just tell the truth? That too much of a stretch for a MN "excuse".

Write down what you need to say and call her today. It may be that she's had lots of people pull out already and will be understanding of your situation.
If it's your family pressuring you it doesn't necessarily mean she will also.
Do it today, the relief will be immeasurable.

Do you want to go? Because if you do you can probably fly back after a shorter time via somewhere. Have a look at SkyScanner.
You can’t use the weekly flights as an excuse.

But if you don’t want to go, don’t.

@RussianSpy101

I really despise the way having a child with additional needs has become a get out of jail free card for anything you can’t be bothered / can’t afford / don’t want to attend. Its really shit.

WHAT?

Obviously you don’t have one then!
That’s such an asshole comment and from a place of complete entitlement

Unless this is some very remote and obscure long haul destination then you could definitely find a way to go for 3 nights IF you wanted to like travelling to a further away airport or taking a connecting flight. If I were your cousin I’d be a bit because it sounds like you’re making a crappy excuse rather than tell the truth, and I’d be sad that you felt like you couldn’t talk to me.

But you don’t need a justification to decline the invite. If you don’t want to go then send your apologies and buy her a nice wedding present. If you do want to give an explanation since it’s close family then not being able to leave your autistic son is a perfectly understandable one.

Be honest and just say it's not affordable of feasible and as much as you'd love to go you have to put your family's needs first.

Sorry but if someone chooses to have a destination wedding (especially one remote enough that there’s only direct flights once a week) then they have to accept that people might not be able to come. I hate this expectation that we are selfish if we choose not to spend hundreds if not thousands of pounds indulging other people’s wedding choices.

Just tell them the truth: your first priority is your children and therefore it’s not possible. You’ll get a bit of flak in the short term but it’ll soon be forgotten. You’re not “ruining” anything. If they cared that much about having family there then why not get married closer?

Not being able to go for more than 3 (or 4 at a stretch nights) I understand.

Not being able to go due to a child's SEN I understand.
Not being able to go due to funds I understand.
Not being able to go due to anxiety I understand.
The fact there are only direct flights every 7 days I understand.

However, where in the world are you going that there isn't an alternative route you could take? That I really don't understand.

@LakeShoreD

Unless this is some very remote and obscure long haul destination then you could definitely find a way to go for 3 nights IF you wanted to like travelling to a further away airport or taking a connecting flight. If I were your cousin I’d be a bit because it sounds like you’re making a crappy excuse rather than tell the truth, and I’d be sad that you felt like you couldn’t talk to me.

But you don’t need a justification to decline the invite. If you don’t want to go then send your apologies and buy her a nice wedding present. If you do want to give an explanation since it’s close family then not being able to leave your autistic son is a perfectly understandable one.

This.

Where is the wedding OP?

I think you’re probably building this up into far more than it actually is. Just tell your cousin that on reflection you feel you really don’t want to be away from DS that long. I don’t think you say how old your youngest is, but you might also find it difficult to juggle bridesmaid duties with looking after him. You’ve said you’re not close, so she’s probably only asked you because it’s always been assumed that’s what will happen. If you tell her you can’t do it the most likely outcome is she’ll say okay fine, and just ask a friend.

Write her a nice letter/email saying you are very sorry but you have to pull out and you know she will understand that you have to put the needs of your autistic son first, but you realise she might feel hurt and you are really sorry for that.
I said no to being a bridesmaid for my cousin for similar reasons. It was a bit easier as I said no from the start but she was still hurt and hadn’t expected it. She told me years later, she hadn’t really understood at the time but now totally gets it. Sometimes people won’t be able to understand our situation but if we express it kindly and clearly we have done all we can.

RussianSpy101 I actually have taken him abroad before (pre covid) and it was very hard on him. I am not “writing him off” I just know him well and that putting in stressful (for him) situations isn’t fair. The plane journey, different environment, heat he is not used to, a lot of people in the one place… all of which would trigger a meltdown. He hates bus journeys as he hates cramped crowded spaces. He puts his hands over his ears and screams. Also he is six and tall for his age, restraining a meltdown is not like it was when he was a toddler. And I’m not saying I’m never going to take him abroad ever again, hopefully some day I will give it a try but I know he is absolutely not ready now and someone’s wedding is definitely not the place to “try” it.

Your reasons are absolutely reasonable. Anyone booking a wedding abroad and expecting everyone to be able to take a week to go, is deluded.

Do what is right for you. Who cares what others think.
Could you come home to another airport then travel back from it.
We have done this at times as it has worked out cheaper or to get better flight times.

As you seem most stressed it seems like a break would help ( maybe not the wedding)
Let your dh deal with your son for a week so that you get recharged .

Do you get any help with your son? I am sure what is available but you put yourself first sometimes. I know being a mum this is difficult.
take care and put yourself first.

RussianSpy101 and if you have honestly found a way for your child to experience things with no restrictions to your life at all then, seriously, good on you, I am impressed. But just because YOU were able to with YOUR child doesn’t mean other children with additional needs are ready. I’m his advocate and have to make decisions on behalf of him because he is unable to decide these things for himself so yes, I do have to decide if situations are tolerable for him and have to miss things I know he couldn’t manage yet. It’s not “writing him off,” it’s not a get out of jail free card because I would love to go to the country in question and as I said, CAN afford it, but it is simply refusing to subject him to a situation he is not ready for.

You don't have to go at all, but are you absolutely certain the flights are only once a week? Unless it's somewhere really out of the way that seems unusual and I wonder if you've used "holiday booking" websites where there's an obvious interest in selling only 7/10/14 days?

Ignore me if this is nonsense, but if a shorter stay would make a difference, would it be worth contacting a proper flight agent?

YANBU at all. When did weddings stop being a celebration of the start of a marriage and turn into a bride's popularity contest? An absent cousin would ruin her wedding? I wonder how the groom would feel on hearing that.

It's fine to get married abroad (if you must). It's not fine to pressure guests to go. Don't give in to family pressure. An overseas hen night AND a 7 days wedding trip? Forget it. You can't leave your son and a week abroad means you can't have a family holiday that year. Don't apologise or they'll smell blood. Be firm.

Dear Cuz, I have agonised over this decision, but I’m not going to be able to be at your wedding. I’m sorry to miss the chance to be with you and I know you will have an incredible time. All my love, Opal

It would be completely reasonable for you to say no, even without children.

Nobody can expect wedding guests to travel abroad, especially if only a 7 day trip is possible. They can invite and hope people will come but they cannot expect.

You don’t need to feel any guilt about this.

@Cheesecake53

Can you go on non-direct flights to have a three-day-stay?

Yes, make the whole thing that you don't want to go to even more hassle

OP, you are subjecting yourself to a huge amount of unnecessary guilt and emotion.
The bottom line is that you don’t want to go.
That is fine, it’s your decision, you don’t need to justify it to anyone - either to us on MN or to your relatives.
Simply let them know that you will not be attending, and send them your best wishes for a nice wedding.
Ignore any nonsense and emotional blackmail about the wedding being “ruined” by your absence. It’s a formalisation of a relationship in the presence of God - an exchange of vows between the couple. If they are obsessing about the non attendance of second degree relatives, their priorities are sadly askew!