What is the nicest way to bow out of a wedding!

[Opal93]

I know this is very late but the anxiety over this is actually keeping me awake! So my cousin is getting married in August abroad, and I was asked to be bridesmaid. Part of me really does want to as she was mine and we’ve talked about it since we were small, but she has changed a lot over the years and we don’t necessarily get along anymore. Anyway, the issue is this, my son has severe autism so me and my husband agreed there was just no way we could take him to a foreign country and expect him not to kick off, I know it would be too hard on him. So we compromised that just me and my youngest would go for 3 nights and my husband would stay at home with my autistic son. But now the time has come to book flights and it is only possible to go for 7 days. This is just too long for my son to be without me, and too long for my youngest not to be with his Daddy. I wouldn’t expect this of anyone. When I told my family this they put a lot of pressure on me saying I will “ruin” everything if I don’t go. I am completely torn. I know in my heart if the anxiety about being away from my son is this bad then I shouldn’t, but I do feel I’m letting family down and don’t want to hurt them. I wish I had more time to come to a decision but they are really piling on the pressure with “you need to book flights NOW!” I should also mention she wants the hen do abroad, and the costs just keep going up and up and up and while I could technically afford it it is causing stress because we are talking thousands. I’d be grateful for advice on how to handle this

Whatever you tell her, the sooner the better. Financial difficulties runs the slight risk of the highly embarrassing offering to pay from someone, so just be honest.

YANBU at for not wanting to go. The best thing you can do is bow out ASAP, will get worse the later you leave it. A week abroad is ridiculous, especially given your circumstances.

Your family can manage fine without you. If it takes just one person not showing up to "ruin" a wedding, then they are piss poor organisors and the wedding was likely not going to be very enjoyable anyway.

Your sons actually needs you, the rest of your family doesn't.

Anyone who chooses to have a weeding abroad should understand that some people won't be able to come. If they can't see that, that's their problem.

Agree with "just ripping the plaster off".

But only say about your older child's autism as that is the valid reason. Saying a week without "seeing his daddy" for your younger one smacks of desperately trying to come up with reasons, and frankly, sounds silly .

OP I haven’t got a child with additional needs, but I still wouldn’t be going to this wedding. I can’t understand how some people are so far up their own arses that they think others would want to spend thousands on their abroad hen and destination wedding. Just no.

I agree to telling her ASAP. Don’t go in to loads of excuses. Just decline. The post above saying what to say was perfect. Use that. Don’t stress.

Those saying fly from somewhere else, travel the country etc. Again just no!! Why should you?!

Hi op I can sympathise with you. I just lost a friend for a similar reason. They don’t accept I can’t attend their wedding outside of where we live and they’ve stopped talking to me
Everything I can think of is that if they’re willing to get annoyed by it and cause drama then they just wanted me there for their picture rather than me.

People need to realise that it’s their wedding and that people have the Option to attend.

Just say sorry I can’t attend would have love to but with the flights situation it’s difficult for me

Who the hell expects people to get a week away for their day.

Your reasons are absolutely rock solid- genuine and understandable. Your older son has additional needs which mean it would be very difficult and distressing for him to join the trip, and the flight schedule means it would be too long for you to be away without him. Anyone should comprehend this. He's only 6.

You might like to include your point about how you may introduce him to travel in future but a big wedding with multiple stages of transport and hot weather is not the appropriate place to start, knowing his needs. Just to fend off any future shit if you do take him on holiday but not essential.

You're absolutely not ruining the wedding by not turning up, you're not the bloody groom. It's one of the 'cons' of marrying abroad. Not everyone can make it. The couple and family need to be gracious about this.

Just take a deep breath and give her a call or send a nice handwritten card first class. I would avoid getting into a text conversation about this if she's whipped up to high doh about the wedding already.

I think if anyone has a wedding or hen do abroad they do so knowing not everyone will attend. Even without a DC with SEN I'd be declining- it's not just money, it's time too and a week of annual leave can be a lot.

I've declined weddings that were too far away, abroad, expensive and that I just didn't want to attend. A polite 'sorry we can't make it' and a nice card/gift is a nice gesture.

I wouldn't go to anyone's wedding that meant being away from home for a week and presumably costing several thousand pounds when taking into account flights and accommodation.

I might - just might - consider it if it could possibly be incorporated into a family holiday where my DH and all my DCs could go. Otherwise no.

This pressure on guests to attend massive destination weddings and overseas hen holidays is crazy.

What happened to a night out with the girls and a knees up at the local cricket club?

I have a child with severe autism and I wouldn't go . If family members, I presume your aunt and uncle, want to make a fuss I would ignore them. Unless they have been in your situation as a parent of a severely disabled child they have no right to make any judgement.

This is my gift to you op

Please feel free to use them all. They are not thinking about you and your needs, why should you consider theirs?

Eww, what a manipulative 'family.' Makes me grateful to have a small extended family, (mostly older, married or divorced, or widowed,) and to be in my 50s myself. So not only am I too old to be asked to be bridesmaid, but I am also too old to take this shit, and to be not afraid to say 'NO' and mean it.

Not helpful sorry @Opal93 I think you just need to be firm (as many people have said,) and say it's not do-able because of your son.

@RussianSpy101

Dont go because you don’t get along with her. But YABU to make this about your son. My son is disabled and we don’t restrict his life because of it. You’ve written him off without even giving him a chance. And before I get shitty comments, yes I do understand her son will be different but I hate when children are just written off like this and not even given the chance to experience things. If he has never been on holiday, you don’t absolutely know for certain how he would be once there.

My own DS is disabled and I feel personally quite hurt by this post with the implication that he is being 'written off' by our choosing not to do certain things because of his disability. We ensure DS has plenty of good experiences but I know him & how his disability affects him; there are certain things that would not benefit him/would just be too hard for us as a family. I am sure the same applies for Op and her DS.

I don't accept that has anything to do with 'restricting his life'.

My own experience is that many people have no clue what is involved in caring for a disabled DC. That goes for family members too with their expectations that family events are attended by us without understanding how big an ask it really is, and why it is sometimes just impossible.

The nicest way is honesty.
I wouldn’t talk about the cost including hen do - because honestly, I was completely with your reasons until you mentioned that, and then I thought, “hmmmm - is 7 days really the issue here, or just is it cost?” On balance, I do think it’s the 7 days - but it did make me:

Of course, cost is also a bad reason! But in this case it’s not your reason.

When you say there’s no direct flight except Mondays, do you mean the only flying alternative is two flights, or there is an option for a flight that then needs another land journey? For example, if you could only land in Luton on a Monday but Gatwick everyday, I’d think you were making excuses. One direct journey, one indirect. Would that be possible so you can do 3 day? If that’s the only problem and you do actually want to do.

Otherwise: “sorry, would have loved to have been there, but it takes 7 days and I can’t be away for that long” if perfectly reasonable.

With Covid, there is also the chance that you won’t be able to return home on your planned date. You have to factor in potential quarantine time and expense. Your cousin is making a very big request of her guests.

You dont want to go.
That is reason enough.
Tell them now and move on.
She can get married whether you are there or not.. so what exactly is the problem?
Choosing to get married abroad and expecting everyone to dance to her tune is, in my humble opinion, incredibly selfish.

To say your kids can't cope without the "other" parent for a week sounds a bit precious to those who have no choice other than to leave their children for several days at a time.
Don't use that as an excuse, but other than that YANBU to not want to spend your own money on a wedding someone you're not too close to has decided to have overseas.

@MrsFin

To say your kids can't cope without the "other" parent for a week sounds a bit precious to those who have no choice other than to leave their children for several days at a time. Don't use that as an excuse, but other than that YANBU to not want to spend your own money on a wedding someone you're not too close to has decided to have overseas.

Ignore this OP. As a parent of an austistic child I totally understand why you can’t be away for 7 days. It’s not precious.

It’s a wedding so clearly entirely optional. However can you not take a non direct flight?

I have something similar. A close friend of mine from my undergrad days is from a country that is a 5/6 hour flight away. He was due to get married in 2020 but postponed the wedding to 2022 due to Covid. I had originally planned to go, but since turn DH and I decided to TTC and I am now 39 weeks pregnant.

I told my friend that I was pregnant a while back and this would likely make it difficult for me to attend. His response was "see how you feel nearer the time, as the baby will be six months old then and there will be other children at the wedding". However, I see it as a horrendous ordeal to travel with a baby that age, not to mention the costs of flights and accommodation for something that I am not going to be able to enjoy or properly participate in.

I just can't justify the cost and stress of going when I am on maternity leave and things are tight.

I am still working out how I am going to decline going, as he's a very old friend and I would certainly have attended, been able to afford, and enjoyed the trip and wedding pre-baby.

Reflecting on my OP, mentioning cost and my other NT son does sound a bit like making excuses. Although I can’t honestly say I’ve not thought about it at all I would have thought yikes but just tried to enjoy the holiday and my husband and youngest would miss each other a lot but would quickly get over it. The true reason I don’t want to do it is not being away from my autistic son for that amount of time.

Just say that due to your son's additional needs, a 7 day overseas wedding doesn't work for you as a family and you'll look forward to seeing the pictures and wish her well. If she's angry after that then she is a heartless cow.

But does it absolutely need to be that length of time? You’ve not answered the flight question. Could you get an indirect flight there or back?

Or if three days is too much, then that’s totally valid. I’m just trying to play travel agent