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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What is the nicest way to bow out of a wedding!

104 replies

Opal93 · 13/11/2021 01:36

I know this is very late but the anxiety over this is actually keeping me awake! So my cousin is getting married in August abroad, and I was asked to be bridesmaid. Part of me really does want to as she was mine and we’ve talked about it since we were small, but she has changed a lot over the years and we don’t necessarily get along anymore. Anyway, the issue is this, my son has severe autism so me and my husband agreed there was just no way we could take him to a foreign country and expect him not to kick off, I know it would be too hard on him. So we compromised that just me and my youngest would go for 3 nights and my husband would stay at home with my autistic son. But now the time has come to book flights and it is only possible to go for 7 days. This is just too long for my son to be without me, and too long for my youngest not to be with his Daddy. I wouldn’t expect this of anyone. When I told my family this they put a lot of pressure on me saying I will “ruin” everything if I don’t go. I am completely torn. I know in my heart if the anxiety about being away from my son is this bad then I shouldn’t, but I do feel I’m letting family down and don’t want to hurt them. I wish I had more time to come to a decision but they are really piling on the pressure with “you need to book flights NOW!” I should also mention she wants the hen do abroad, and the costs just keep going up and up and up and while I could technically afford it it is causing stress because we are talking thousands. I’d be grateful for advice on how to handle this

OP posts:

gogohm · 13/11/2021 07:22

It's really up to you, either explain what you said here or talk to your family and say if you all go you need help with your autistic child, and could they all step up and help you. We travel with dp's severely disabled daughter (including autism) and it's not too bad if you have help.

Finally are their flights from elsewhere on another day?

Jerrysgonnabeacableboy · 13/11/2021 07:32

Have to wonder why you'd have a destination wedding during a pandemic. Things are so unpredictable.

Jerrysgonnabeacableboy · 13/11/2021 07:35

Also, I agree that you should choose only one excuse, and stick firmly to that. If you get into the costs and the younger son wanting Dad, it will dilute your reasoning.

Your severely autistic son can't be without you for a full week and that's more than enough of a reason.

garlictwist · 13/11/2021 07:40

Can you fly back to a different airport so you don't have to go for a full week? I know that they have a lot more regular flights from down south usually. I had to cut a trip short once and flew back to London. It meant I had to get a train back up north but at least you're back in the country.

KateTheEighth · 13/11/2021 07:43

When I told my family this they put a lot of pressure on me saying I will “ruin” everything if I don’t go.

Ugh I would hate to be part of a family like this. Sympathy OP. You have to do what works for you, not what suits them. Say no this weekend (finances and caring responsibilities) and it will blow over in a couple of weeks. If you don't stand your ground this will consume you until August.

Good luck

Offmyfence · 13/11/2021 07:49

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

Look, all bets are off when it comes to parenting a child with additional needs, and anyone who doesn’t get this, doesn’t deserve to be pandered to.

You can’t do, and you don’t want to do it. That means you don’t do it.

Be upfront, explain the situation briefly, apologise for not being able to be there, but unfortunately that’s the way it is.

They will get over it.

This

And anyone expecting others to spend thousands on their hen for and wedding is ridiculous anyway.

StartupRepair · 13/11/2021 07:49

I would not go into all your reasons because they may try to dispute/belittle them. Just say As I have a child with additional needs this will not work for our family.

Caterinasballerinas · 13/11/2021 07:50

I think you should excuse yourself but if you need a more practical reason not to go could you blame lack of annual leave? You and your DH would need to take leave and it restricts the amount you have left for covering schools holidays too much to allow it. You’d thought it could work on the 3 day trip but not possible on the full week.

Original poster

Opal93 · 13/11/2021 07:57

Jobegg yes the only direct flights only go from Monday—Monday

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 13/11/2021 08:03

Just tell her you can't go for the reasons cited in your OP. Keep it short and factual.

Offmyfence · 13/11/2021 08:06

Also OP the nicest way is to do it ASAP.

Do it today, then it's done and both you and they can move on.

You'll feel 100 times better once you've done it.

Tillymintpolo · 13/11/2021 08:07

You won’t ruin anything, your child comes first

RussianSpy101 · 13/11/2021 08:11

Dont go because you don’t get along with her. But YABU to make this about your son. My son is disabled and we don’t restrict his life because of it. You’ve written him off without even giving him a chance.
And before I get shitty comments, yes I do understand her son will be different but I hate when children are just written off like this and not even given the chance to experience things. If he has never been on holiday, you don’t absolutely know for certain how he would be once there.

RussianSpy101 · 13/11/2021 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

maslinpan · 13/11/2021 08:14

Russian Spy. Please let us know that you have a child with additional needs so are very well placed to say such a shitty thing?

RussianSpy101 · 13/11/2021 08:16

@maslinpan my son is severely disabled with a short life expectancy. I said I have a son who is disabled in my first post.

LethargicActress · 13/11/2021 08:20

It seems crazy that you’re worrying about this when the couple were daft enough to chose a location that only has weekly flights. Or would there be more flights if you were able to go from a bigger airport?

Either way, it’s a destination wedding and it is to be expected that some people won’t go. Your family will just have to deal with their disappointment.

maslinpan · 13/11/2021 08:21

I am very sorry to hear that. However I still think it's an unkind thing to say when the OP is struggling with this issue and already having guilt piled on her by her family.

Sally872 · 13/11/2021 08:21

@RussianSpy101 I really despise people putting pressure on anyone to go to a wedding or hen abroad. You have to understand when you book it will be a barrier to some people.

Sally872 · 13/11/2021 08:23

@Russianspy101 op has not written her child off because she has assessed a situation as too much for him. That's an awful thing to say.

cowburp · 13/11/2021 08:24

Speak to the bride directly. You may find she cares less than the rest of the family. If you did decide to the wedding you can use the fact it is now 7 days as a reason to duck out the hen do, say you can't afford both.

Cheesecake53 · 13/11/2021 08:24

Can you go on non-direct flights to have a three-day-stay?

BarbaraWoodlouse · 13/11/2021 08:28

I have read the OP and many replies however just from reading the title my response would be the same: quickly, decisively, honestly but kindly.

PlanktonsComputerWife · 13/11/2021 08:28

Just say no.

Always mystified by these posts where families are pressuring guests to travel to overseas weddings.

We had a destination wedding I.e. got married quietly abroad. The whole POINT was that there was no extended family, just my brother and best friend.

Doidontimmm · 13/11/2021 08:30

Can you fly from a different airport?

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