AIBU To think attending the Xmas night out is unreasonable?

[M24L]

DH recently started a new job and seems to be settling in well, originally started off on a temporary contract but was then offered a permanent contract about 2 months in. During the temp time he was paid weekly while I'm paid 4 weekly.

Now that he has became a permanent member of the team he has been moved to monthly pay with pay day at the end of the month.

Thus meaning that DH technically only has 1 pay day before Xmas. As I get paid 4 weekly I will have 2 more payments prior to Xmas. My wage covers most of the bills I.e mortgage etc and DH wage is always used to get shopping and any other expenses outwith the usual household bills. We have a joint account and as he was paid weekly it was easier to use my wage to pay everything in a monthly payment. (Just a back story to get the point).

Anyway DH has been asked to go to the Xmas night out, he said he would go as everyone at work was watching when he was asked but then said to me hes not sure what to do as with him moving to monthly wages this month until he gets paid is going to be pretty tight with Xmas next month and having two kids. He hasn't really got any nice "going out clothes" so if he was to go he would need to buy a new outfit. We also live a good bit away from where the night out is taking place so he will have to pay a good bit to get back from it when it's done.

I feel terrible as with him just recently starting I think it would be good for him to go and get to know his colleagues etc a bit better but at the same time I really don't think we can afford it.

AIBU to advise him that we can't afford it and he should miss it this year.

YANBU he just has to understand we haven't got the money this year and he could go next year or to the next night out once Xmas is over with.

Get him to put aside and outfit now and don't wear it until the dinner therefore people will probably have forgotten he has worn it.

I would let him go it's a once off kind of thing. Can he ask if anyone can provide a lift back perhaps if they live close by

If he's older and feeling a little insecure at a new job I can understand his hesitation. Also it's really easy to end up trapped in buying a round that can be really expensive even if you aren't drinking a lot yourself.

Clothes wise TK Max is great for something cheap and flashy. Lots of bargain party shirts worn with decent jeans and loafers/brogues.

I don't honestly understand all the people saying he has to go.
Its not compulsary to attend a works xmas due, and certainly not if you can't afford it. Every company I've worked for does not insist everyone go and get the arse if they don't or can't make it.

But I see that his company are expecting him to go, and its putting this stress on you both. It does seem though like hes not compromising. Its a sort of I won't go at all or I'll go but need new clothes and have to drink.

What about seeing if he can share a taxi with any of the other collegues if anyone lives your way? Or maybe even one of them has a partner picking them up who goes near where you live.

Buy a new shirt from a charity shop or in the sales and wear jeans or trousers he already has. no one is going to know they are the same jeans or trousers he wears to work I'm sure. Plenty of shoes in charity shops too if he also needs a smarter pair.

He doesn't drink. Just has one with the meal and then soft drinks rest of the night. if hes worried what people think he can say you or one of the dc is not well and needs to stay sober in case he has to dash off home or something. This would also work well if he decides to only go for the meal and a good excuse not to stay and drink into the night.

Is it because he doesn't go out much that he wants to drink because I can understand that if it is the case. I drove to the 2019 Christmas party as the decision was made to have it in the middle of nowhere. I live in a city but am the only one so couldn't assert that it should be where I live. In all honesty I wanted to go and get back as quickly as possible but I go out for drinks with my friends so I don't feel like I'm missing out. My colleagues are not my friends, they are mostly pleasant but my job is quite peripheral, I work in an office on my own so I'm invited out of courtesy I think. I prefer to separate the two personally and like others think it is good to not get drunk in front of colleagues. I go as I don't want people gossiping about me being aloof etc. Which they did about others that didn't make an effort!

Your dh absolutely has to go. This is part of his work culture and he would be silly to not overcome a short term hurdle when there would be long term consequences. As everyone else says, it doesn’t have to break the bank.

@Bookworm20 unfortunately as far as he's aware he is the only one that lives around our area everyone else seems to be from around the place of work.

He doesn't need a new outfit, just clean and pressed. He also needs to be restrained and not join rounds or stay late.
Csn he ask for an advance, Christmas will be tight anyway.

5hese events can be really important in terms of acceptance into a team etc. But he needs to be sensible.

Your choices are both the same - he doesn't go 🙄

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Also, men who look for their wives’ permission, rather than weighing up their situation and making an adult decision, really piss me off.

I didn't get the impression he was asking 'permission'. He was running this dilemma past OP and asking her because he would be using family money they don't have to attend. I'd say that's respectful and unselfish.

People in normal relationships run things like this past their partner, especially if there's a contributing factor that is going to affect them or the family in some way.

Only a totally selfish person would say to their partner 'I'm never asking your permission to do anything, I'm going whether you like it or not and going to spend family money we don't have to do it because I can do what I want'.

Reading between the lines I think he is looking for approval from you for a confidence boost and the clothes are also about a confidence boost.

This is a time for whole hearted emotional and practical support to boost human emotions I think you know that.

And between it being a new job where he needs to build relationships and the fact he’s done so well to get taken on permanently it sounds important. It also sounds like the company and hai boss set some store by it.

So I’d actually really say find a way to make it work.

In a similar situation DH got a shirt from eBay for a fraction of the cost of retail (it was unworn just unwanted). PayPal often give an option to pay 14 days later and I think of that more as “a try before you buy” option rather than debt. Could be enough time to stretch you to the next payday.

Could a friend/relative watch kids whilst you pick him up?

Both your AIBU and YANBU are he can’t go. Now that’s unreasonable so I voted YABU because you are being unreasonable. Plenty of compromise suggestions have been made that enable him to go (or at least for part of it) without it costing too much. It’s important to gel within the team and that can be managed without spending a bomb.

I had many years running where I either didn’t have the money and didn’t have child care precluding me from going to the entire work’s Xmas dinner. I went for drinks or drink and starter only. Like any other dinner, if driving, don’t drink over the limit. Of course, I told organisers in advance too so they’d know (and also I’d not be charged for full dinner or split of entire bill). Never had an issue. In face, as I’d had three children, it was over 10 years before I could stay for the entire thing. (We had no family to babysit -ever - and my DH used to travel overseas regularly for work).

I think the problem is the timing rather than genuinely not being able to afford it (correct me if I'm wrong). I've also missed Christmas parties due to distance before, but they were not jobs I wanted to keep.

Here's what I would do. Ask payroll for an advance of £200. Say its for Christmas shopping. They'll understand moving from weekly to monthly pay is hard, especially this time of year.

If that fails, put food shopping or petrol costs on a credit card in December. Pay it off as soon as he gets his pay after Christmas, that way there will be no interest charges.

Other options, wear a pair of jeans he already has and just get a cheap jumper somewhere (or borrow from family/friends).
Use the kids as an excuse to leave early

All jobs I have had, we are paid the last working day before Christmas so a little early. It will be Christmas Eve this year.

I’d get him to go. You can pick up a shirt and new shoes if needed cheaply from Primark or try Vinted. I’ve got some good bargains, second hand on the Vinted app. Charity shop or eBay too.

Tell him to have a good night and pick him up as a complete one off. A poster above said baby will sleep in the car and the 9 year old will be off on an adventure. It’s one night, not every weekend.

Can he speak to other staff to see how much money he needs? Most work nights, the meal is covered and may be wine at the table. It might just be a round or two after.

Your title suggests you don't think he should go, and so does both the yabu and yanbu options. It sounds like he doesn't want to go either.
It looks like you're making issues that aren't there. He can get a shirt for £2 from a charity shop, you can take him there and he can pay £20 to get home, or you pick him up if it's not a school night?
The baby doesn't need many presents so maybe grab another £20 back from your outgoings by buying them one less thing?
But if he doesn't want to go then he shouldn't go.

He can't really do drunk people when he's sober

Sorry, but that’s rather pathetic.

So, you both feel it’s reasonable that he’ll only go if he can get drunk, have a whole new outfit and have a 30 mile taxi ride BOTH ways just before Christmas?

Riiight.

I think speaking to his employer about payday is a good idea. Mine used to allow an advance of wages in December, up to half the usual salary BUT it had to be requested and there was a cut off date. They would also do an advance at any time of year if someone was new and not on payroll

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He could leave after the meal but it may be unfair to expect him to do that if everyone else is staying back to have drinks.
FFS - I agree he should go, but it's hard for you to afford as a family, you need to agree compromises.
The drinking/not drinking so that he can drive may impact, but there will time to chat/socialise before the meal, probably wine at the table which may still be there - but he can go, socialise and network without staying on for drinks after the meal.
Do you have a friend/neighbour that could either pick him up or mind the children while you do? If it's not a school night, bung them in the car with you?
Agree on clothes, I doubt people will notice. He could ask a close colleague that's been there a while if there's a dress code. Charity shops/borrow something from a friend/relative if really necessary.

Often where I've worked, we've agreed salary advances when people switch from weekly to monthly paid, or new starters - but equally he should ask whether December salary will be paid early before christmas.

He definitely doesn't need a new outfit, nobody will notice or care! If he really feels the need for confidence reasons then you can pick up some great bargains on Vinted- maybe a new to him shirt to go with trousers he already has.

My first thought was to contact payroll for an advance but having read the dress code is 'own clothes' I agree a 'new outfit' is preposterous. Likewise, trying to keep up with younger people and their efforts to dress up would not be wise.

He must be well thought of if they have moved him into a permanent role. Showing his face at the Christmas party is the right thing to do (unless he doesn't have childcare etc).

Drive, don't drink, go home before any drinking starts in earnest. That would position him as good company but not 'young and foolish'.

Sounds like a win to me.

Sorry OP I know you’re saying you’re both bothered if he goes but your title, both options for BU NBU and all your responses are full all very he can’t go based.

Most of your agreements against (part from maybe budget concerns) are red herrings. He doesn’t need new clothes. If they wear normal clothes to work then it’s fine he wears something else and I doubt Any one will notice. Transport can be worked out.

It sounds like most of the meal is paid for so just drinks to worry about. He doesn’t have to have loads! It would be good for him with his new job

If money is really tight maybe do what we do and chose something else that can be cut back that month to free it up

If this social is important, use credit card or overdraught and catch up next few weeks.

He should make the effort to go and show face, it's important in a new role / company and it sounds like the boss feels it's important (whether you agree with the sentiment or not).

As someone else said, put a shirt aside now that he doesn't wear to work until the Xmas do. Or buy a shirt from a charity shop, ebay etc. clothes on eBay sell for buttons. No one will notice what he's wearing.!! They really won't. He can wear existing jeans / shoes.

The meal is only costing £10 which will be deducted from his salary so that's good in that he's not having to find money up front for the meal.

I live 40 plus miles away from work and usually drive for work do's. Your H needs to take the car, join in the meal, then when everyone gets up to 'go on for drinks' that is the point at which he leaves. If it makes him feel better have a "reason" ready eg up early as taking the kids to see Santa or whatever. Believe me, once everyone else has had a few drinks no one will really care that your H has gone home!! And I mean no offence by that. When people are drunk they try to persuade you to stay but once people leave then everyone else just carries on.

Don't make this more complicated than it needs to be.

A meal and 1 drink won’t break the bank. Does he drive? He could use that as an excuse not to drink alcohol. You say public transport is 1 train and 2 buses. I wouldn’t go unless I could drive there.

What about a charity shop for inexpensive clothing?

I honestly think no one will notice what he is wearing or care. It's important to not spurn the boss's goodwill gesture.

Can he pick up a bit of work - odd jobs such as garden cleanup - to pay for transport?

@GingerFigs

He should make the effort to go and show face, it's important in a new role / company and it sounds like the boss feels it's important (whether you agree with the sentiment or not).

As someone else said, put a shirt aside now that he doesn't wear to work until the Xmas do. Or buy a shirt from a charity shop, ebay etc. clothes on eBay sell for buttons. No one will notice what he's wearing.!! They really won't. He can wear existing jeans / shoes.

The meal is only costing £10 which will be deducted from his salary so that's good in that he's not having to find money up front for the meal.

I live 40 plus miles away from work and usually drive for work do's. Your H needs to take the car, join in the meal, then when everyone gets up to 'go on for drinks' that is the point at which he leaves. If it makes him feel better have a "reason" ready eg up early as taking the kids to see Santa or whatever. Believe me, once everyone else has had a few drinks no one will really care that your H has gone home!! And I mean no offence by that. When people are drunk they try to persuade you to stay but once people leave then everyone else just carries on.

Don't make this more complicated than it needs to be.

Good advice.

The meal is the important part. No one expects the father of young kids to be out late partying.