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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To think attending the Xmas night out is unreasonable?

151 replies

M24L · 12/11/2021 08:16

DH recently started a new job and seems to be settling in well, originally started off on a temporary contract but was then offered a permanent contract about 2 months in. During the temp time he was paid weekly while I'm paid 4 weekly.

Now that he has became a permanent member of the team he has been moved to monthly pay with pay day at the end of the month.

Thus meaning that DH technically only has 1 pay day before Xmas. As I get paid 4 weekly I will have 2 more payments prior to Xmas. My wage covers most of the bills I.e mortgage etc and DH wage is always used to get shopping and any other expenses outwith the usual household bills. We have a joint account and as he was paid weekly it was easier to use my wage to pay everything in a monthly payment. (Just a back story to get the point).

Anyway DH has been asked to go to the Xmas night out, he said he would go as everyone at work was watching when he was asked but then said to me hes not sure what to do as with him moving to monthly wages this month until he gets paid is going to be pretty tight with Xmas next month and having two kids. He hasn't really got any nice "going out clothes" so if he was to go he would need to buy a new outfit. We also live a good bit away from where the night out is taking place so he will have to pay a good bit to get back from it when it's done.

I feel terrible as with him just recently starting I think it would be good for him to go and get to know his colleagues etc a bit better but at the same time I really don't think we can afford it.

AIBU to advise him that we can't afford it and he should miss it this year.

YANBU he just has to understand we haven't got the money this year and he could go next year or to the next night out once Xmas is over with.

OP posts:
Skeumorph · 12/11/2021 09:41

Yep to keeping one outfit back from now on.

Also - it's clothes! You can absolutely find something! - charity shops, fb selling, honestly if it's a case of a newish shirt/jeans/whatever, you COULD find something that looks good and that he hasn't worn. Honestly no one will notice AT ALL.

I think it can be done.

Goldenbear · 12/11/2021 09:41

If you would struggle to buy a new outfit for this Christmas party then surely the company does not pay the kind of salary that would expect to see people in new outfits at a Christmas party.

Skeumorph · 12/11/2021 09:42

Post on style and beauty. Those demons will be able to advise a 'look' for his colouring/age group/type of evening and you can then look for relevant items. the overall look/style will be the important thing.

CSJobseeker · 12/11/2021 09:43

If he's one of the oldest, surely he is old enough to know that no-one cares what he wears as long as he looks vaguely smartish? Who is he trying to impress?

Honestly, he's a grown adult and he should know by now how to manage his expenditure on a night out to stick within his means.

Embroidery · 12/11/2021 09:44

If a partner of mine even hinted that they had the power to stop me going on a night out, then I would undoubtably leave them.

So controlling!

You have no right to stop him.

hotmeatymilk · 12/11/2021 09:45

He can't really do drunk people when he's sober so I wouldn't like to say to him to stay sober, he barley goes out so he will more than likely want to have a few drinks.
Well, he can do drunk people when he’s sober, whatever that means – he’s a grown adult with a mortgage and two kids and a job, not a 16-year-old feeling peer-pressured to neck Wkd Blue. He just doesn’t want to, which is different. But I dare say he’ll cope.

Justcallmebebes · 12/11/2021 09:46

I too get paid on 24 December when my wage is paid 28th of every other month. He should ask if this is the case as most firms pay early in December

EdgeOfTheSky · 12/11/2021 09:46

It seems like a cash flow issue.

I think ideally he should go to the ‘do’.

Buy him a new shirt and trousers as an early Christmas present?

Lift / taxi share?

CSJobseeker · 12/11/2021 09:48

@hotmeatymilk

He can't really do drunk people when he's sober so I wouldn't like to say to him to stay sober, he barley goes out so he will more than likely want to have a few drinks. Well, he can do drunk people when he’s sober, whatever that means – he’s a grown adult with a mortgage and two kids and a job, not a 16-year-old feeling peer-pressured to neck Wkd Blue. He just doesn’t want to, which is different. But I dare say he’ll cope.
Precisely
Ragwort · 12/11/2021 09:49

My DH is probably the 'oldest' in his team, practically the grandfather to some of them I can assure that no one is in the slightest bit interested in what he wears.

Original poster
M24L · 12/11/2021 09:49

@embroidery I am in no means trying to stop him, he's a grown man and can make his own decisions. I am just looking for some advice, he has said himself that he just wouldn't go as we can't afford it whereas I'm looking for a way in which he would be able to go without worrying about finances etc because as I've stated I think it would be good for him to get to know his colleagues a bit better.

OP posts:
ThePlumVan · 12/11/2021 09:50

He needs to go.

You take him, he wears what he’s got, and has 1 possibly 2 drinks.

You stay in the car with a film on the iPad and popcorn and bring him home.

Inertia · 12/11/2021 09:51

It would be really beneficial for him to go.

He doesn't need a whole new outfit- nobody is going to remember what he wears! Maybe he could get a new shirt, but he can wear trousers and shoes he already has.

Why can't he drive and stick to soft drinks? Added bonus- he might be able to drop one or two colleagues off at home if they live along the way.

nomorefrogs · 12/11/2021 09:51

Having read the full thread and realised that this is AIBU then yes you are being unreasonable. Attending the Christmas night out is entirely reasonable and achievable as has been suggested in a myriad of ways by other posters.
However, if your dh is determined to blow your Christmas budget by getting all fancy in new clothes and getting blotto and getting an extortionate cab home then no-one can help either of you.
For whatever reason between you there seem to a million reasons to make something straightforward into something hugely complex.

Shamoo · 12/11/2021 09:52

He should absolutely go. Drive, don’t drink, wear current clothes. He may have a crap time but that isn’t the point. Nobody will care what he wears, he should be there to show he is a team player this early in in his journey with the company, but that doesn’t mean he needs to get wasted and party til 3am!

Scbchl · 12/11/2021 09:54

Iv never worked a job where we aren't paid our monthly wage early for Christmas.

Original poster
M24L · 12/11/2021 09:54

Most colleagues that hes had the chance to speak to live near the venue so he is at present the only one making the 30 mile trip (there could be others that he isn't aware of).

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/11/2021 09:55

He should go, but not buy a new outfit. He must have something.

He also shouldn’t drink much anyway or stay out late in a new job. It might seem like important bonding but it’s much better to stay in control and not do or say anything stupid. So that cuts the cost too.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/11/2021 09:55

He should drive is the ideal thing bearing in mind the distance and not drink at all.

Night out doesn’t mean piss up

Wotsitsits · 12/11/2021 09:56

I don't understand why this is such a big deal. New outfit? Why?! I have read your updates on why and I still don't get it. Shirt and jeans surely, and he has those already?!

Money wise, he can have a few drinks and then come home. Or even have a few drinks and stay out! He can have cash for drinks and a separate bit of cash for taxi home or whatever.

Cross a couple of DC's Xmas presents off the list if you have to. Assuming you're buying them toys and entertainment rather than necessities.

Experiences are more valuable than things.

IamnotSethRogan · 12/11/2021 09:57

Well it sounds like he's making it a bigger deal than it has to be. If money is the issue just drive and leave after the meal. He can easily do that but it just sounds like he doesn't want to. He also doesn't need a new outfit. It's not prom.

To be honest, not drinking on your first work night out in a new job isn't exactly the worst idea

Fleshmechanic · 12/11/2021 09:57

He doesn't need new clothes. Does anyone else at work live nearby that he could carpool with? I think you should really analyse every option before saying no. But if you can't then it is what it is and he'll have to go to the next one.

rwalker · 12/11/2021 09:57

It's a one off Primark asda for shirt and TBH I'd pick him up kids in tow .

Baby properly sleep and 9 years make it into a fun ride out sweets and treat and drive round looking at christmas lights .

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 12/11/2021 09:57

It sounds like he’s made his decision and isn’t going to go. I think just respect that! Yes, it would look better if he went, and it would be super easy to do on a budget (soft drinks, drive etc) but if he’s decided that not going is the better option then just leave it that

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/11/2021 09:59

Also, men who look for their wives’ permission, rather than weighing up their situation and making an adult decision, really piss me off.