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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To think attending the Xmas night out is unreasonable?

151 replies

M24L · 12/11/2021 08:16

DH recently started a new job and seems to be settling in well, originally started off on a temporary contract but was then offered a permanent contract about 2 months in. During the temp time he was paid weekly while I'm paid 4 weekly.

Now that he has became a permanent member of the team he has been moved to monthly pay with pay day at the end of the month.

Thus meaning that DH technically only has 1 pay day before Xmas. As I get paid 4 weekly I will have 2 more payments prior to Xmas. My wage covers most of the bills I.e mortgage etc and DH wage is always used to get shopping and any other expenses outwith the usual household bills. We have a joint account and as he was paid weekly it was easier to use my wage to pay everything in a monthly payment. (Just a back story to get the point).

Anyway DH has been asked to go to the Xmas night out, he said he would go as everyone at work was watching when he was asked but then said to me hes not sure what to do as with him moving to monthly wages this month until he gets paid is going to be pretty tight with Xmas next month and having two kids. He hasn't really got any nice "going out clothes" so if he was to go he would need to buy a new outfit. We also live a good bit away from where the night out is taking place so he will have to pay a good bit to get back from it when it's done.

I feel terrible as with him just recently starting I think it would be good for him to go and get to know his colleagues etc a bit better but at the same time I really don't think we can afford it.

AIBU to advise him that we can't afford it and he should miss it this year.

YANBU he just has to understand we haven't got the money this year and he could go next year or to the next night out once Xmas is over with.

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 12/11/2021 08:49

@SickAndTiredAgain

If you can’t afford then of course he can’t go. But everywhere I’ve ever worked has paid the December salary pre-Christmas, and the Christmas party has been paid for in large part by the company (food plus a couple of drinks pp)

I have never worked anywhere where I haven’t had to pay for my own meal!

nomorefrogs · 12/11/2021 08:50

Surely if he has clothes to wear to work then he has clothes to go out for a Christmas meal. There are ways to do it cheaply and as a newbie his absence will be noticed I'm sure. I would work out ways to make it cheaper - get a lift home, share a lift home, book a cab in advance?

Spiceup · 12/11/2021 08:51

@nomorefrogs

Doesn't that rather depend what he does?

True though that there must be something in his wardrobe that will do.

Also that most firms do pay Dec salary early which makes January a very long month

Fatgalslim · 12/11/2021 08:53

@SickAndTiredAgain

Same here, we get paid a week early and the company pays for the meal and drinks, we only pay for drinks if we move on somewhere else afterwards and the guy with the company CC has gone home lol

Bollindger · 12/11/2021 08:56

A night out is going to cost as much as a whole Xmas dinner, he can't afford to go, so he doesn't.

This is not life or death, he is a grown man.

Original poster

M24L · 12/11/2021 09:01

Thank you all for you replies, the company he works for is really good when it comes to their staff so the company is covering most of the cost of the meal with each staff member being deducted £10 from their wage at the end of this month towards it. So he really would only need money for drinks and transport im assuming.

He has clothes but the dress code in work is own clothes so he has worn most of his clothes too work and I think he's just self conscious that others will notice that he's wearing his "work clothes"

We have an 9 year old and baby so unfortunately me picking him up wouldn't be an option as the kids would be in bed. The place they are going to is probably about 30 miles from our home.

I'm not sure if he wants to go or not as when he's talking about it he seems like he's looking for my approval rather than being straight up "no we can't afford it" I on the other hand given the fact I want him to get to know his colleagues etc I don't want to be the one to put a dampner on it.

I have said that he could get clothes etc but they would be Xmas presents but we have decided that we will wait until after Xmas to buy each other as we just want to focus on the kids and Xmas Dinner first.

Haven't actually thought about the December wage being paid prior to Xmas so I'll say to him to ask his boss as that could be an option because the company closes down for Xmas.

OP posts:

Landof · 12/11/2021 09:01

I'd find a way for him to go. It sounds like you may not want him to?

halloweenqwueeeen · 12/11/2021 09:02

Well there’s a lot more detail needed…what is the works do exactly, meal drinks or all day sesh? Can you drop him off and pick him up? Has he really not got some smart jeans n a shirt to wear?

If it’s a set meal and night out type of thing, he could either have pre drinks and you collect, or do the meal and leave after? I think it would be nice for him to go.

museumum · 12/11/2021 09:06

I think he should show face. It’s a new job, it’ll help him settle.
But clothes from a charity shop if he really has nothing at all, don’t drink or just have 2/3. Car (if not drinking) or bus home. In fact driving and not drinking and offering lifts to others might be a way to get to know colleagues.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 12/11/2021 09:07

With a 30 mile distance could he not drive to save transport costs and then not drink alcohol? He could maybe play taxi to a couple of colleagues in exchange for them buying him a couple of drinks? This is what I normally do for things, mainly cos I don't drink and also live miles away from where work does are generally held

rooarsome · 12/11/2021 09:09

Neither of your options suggest room for compromise which would allow him to attend.
I'm sure most people wouldn't really care about what he's wearing, but if he is not comfortable then have a little scout on eBay or fb marketplace.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/11/2021 09:10

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon

He should go. He can wear clothes he already has, drink a few soft drinks and drive home. If he offers a few colleagues a lift home then this will help him make friends, mean he is unlikely to get grief about not drinking and likely won't need to spend any money.“

Agree with this. I’ve just said in the past that I’m taking antibiotics if I don’t want to get into private matters.

Crinkle77 · 12/11/2021 09:10

I think your husband is being a bit daft. He doesn't need to buy clothes. I'm sure his colleagues won't notice or care he's got his work clothes on. As for being 30 mins away from home is there public transport or he could just go to the meal, have a couple of soft drinks after then drive home?

Howshouldibehave · 12/11/2021 09:13

If he wears ‘own clothes’ to work, then nobody will be surprised if he wears his ‘own clothes’ in his own time as well .

If you can’t collect him, why doesn’t he drive to save money and buy a shirt off ebay? He certainly doesn’t need new trousers/jeans or shoes-nobody will be looking at his feet!

If the meal is virtually paid for, I definitely think he should go.

My last work meal (pre covid) cost me nearly £60!

Howshouldibehave · 12/11/2021 09:14

so if he was to go he would need to buy a new outfit

This seems to be the focus here when it really isn’t important.

Spiceup · 12/11/2021 09:14

If hes got decent clothes for work, he just needs to pick a favourite and not wear it for the next couple of weeks. No one will notice or care.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 12/11/2021 09:16

He should just go, have a couple
of drinks and then you could go pick
him up. It will look a bit unfriendly etc and like he can’t be bothered if he doesn’t go! Also, at work Xmas parties don’t the company or the bosses usually pay for a lot of it? Either way, he should turn up and be friendly, even if just for an hour. And definitely don’t bother with an outfit!!!

Original poster

M24L · 12/11/2021 09:17

@landof I really have no problem with him going other than the cash flow situation I know how it feels to start a new job and I think it would be beneficial for him.

@halloweenqwueeeen it's meal and drinks there will be a set time for the meal and then they have the hall after dinner to have a few more drinks. He could leave after the meal but it may be unfair to expect him to do that if everyone else is staying back to have drinks.

OP posts:

Salayes · 12/11/2021 09:18

No one will care if he wears the same clothes! His meal is being paid for, he can take the car and not drink alcohol. Gives him a good excuse to leave early too as he can say he needs to get back for his baby.

Honestly you are both making way too
big a deal of this. He doesn’t need new clothes, a taxi and to be out into the early hours drinking expensive alcohol. In fact, for his first works do it’s best he doesn’t drink too much.

Triffid1 · 12/11/2021 09:18

I have to say that I think the way he's thinking about the costs are weird. Of course he doesn't need new clothes - and I guarantee that all the other men will just head on to the Christmas event wearing whatever they were wearing to work that day. If he's really really genuinely concerned, borrow a shirt or buy one from a charity shop. He doesn't need a whole "outfit"

based on your comments re his work place, I'm confident they'll be paying him early anyway so that is less of an issue. He should ask.

DGFB · 12/11/2021 09:20

He should go. It’s a new job that he needs to keep

Blueeyedgirl21 · 12/11/2021 09:20

Can he not borrow a shirt from a pal, and just got for the meal and have one pint and say he has got to take the kids somewhere first thing the next morning

I do understand saying you can’t afford it is a bit embarrassing to be fair to him

Whose · 12/11/2021 09:23

Trust me, unless he works for Vogue - absolutely no one will notice what he's wearing.
It's odd to think that they would.

It feels a bit like the lack of new outfit is an excuse by one or both of you.

I'd say being the newbie and not attending the Christmas do would look far more unusual than wearing clothes they've seen before (and again, they won't notice his clothes)

Smartiepants79 · 12/11/2021 09:23

@Spiceup

If hes got decent clothes for work, he just needs to pick a favourite and not wear it for the next couple of weeks. No one will notice or care.

This is good advice. This can be done without it costing him barely anything if he wants to. You have a car? He can drive? The meals paid for. He just needs a £20 max for Some soft drinks, done. He doesn’t have to drink and can leave when he wants, use the kids as an excuse, that what I do! He’ll have shown his face and got to know a few people a bit better and it won’t have cost that much.

Bluntness100 · 12/11/2021 09:24

I also find this strange, he doesn’t need to buy new clothes, I’m sure he must be able to cobble together an outfit, it doesn’t matter if people have seen them before. All he needs is a pair of trousers and a shirt. Even if he wanted a new shirt he can pick one up cheaply. He surely has trousers.

Use public transport as much as possible to get there and back, it really doesn’t need to cost much.

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