AIBU To think attending the Xmas night out is unreasonable?

[M24L]

DH recently started a new job and seems to be settling in well, originally started off on a temporary contract but was then offered a permanent contract about 2 months in. During the temp time he was paid weekly while I'm paid 4 weekly.

Now that he has became a permanent member of the team he has been moved to monthly pay with pay day at the end of the month.

Thus meaning that DH technically only has 1 pay day before Xmas. As I get paid 4 weekly I will have 2 more payments prior to Xmas. My wage covers most of the bills I.e mortgage etc and DH wage is always used to get shopping and any other expenses outwith the usual household bills. We have a joint account and as he was paid weekly it was easier to use my wage to pay everything in a monthly payment. (Just a back story to get the point).

Anyway DH has been asked to go to the Xmas night out, he said he would go as everyone at work was watching when he was asked but then said to me hes not sure what to do as with him moving to monthly wages this month until he gets paid is going to be pretty tight with Xmas next month and having two kids. He hasn't really got any nice "going out clothes" so if he was to go he would need to buy a new outfit. We also live a good bit away from where the night out is taking place so he will have to pay a good bit to get back from it when it's done.

I feel terrible as with him just recently starting I think it would be good for him to go and get to know his colleagues etc a bit better but at the same time I really don't think we can afford it.

AIBU to advise him that we can't afford it and he should miss it this year.

YANBU he just has to understand we haven't got the money this year and he could go next year or to the next night out once Xmas is over with.

When we were strapped for cash, I would drive and not drink or drink non alcoholic beers etc. No one notices and it's better not to make a tit of yourself in front of your new colleagues. One Christmas do the other staff were surprised I was going to drive, they were so wasted they hadn't noticed! So then there is no cost of a taxi etc, it's a bit of a game changer to realise you can go out sober, have a great time, not act like a prat and wake up the next morning feeling ok.

If he really doesn't have any good clothes at all, could you think about second hand? I've just bought some "brand new with tags" clothes, for a tiny amount, from eBay? Or good charity shops? We have a Boutique one near us, the clothes are fab.

I do think work nights out are useful sometimes, if he really wants to go there are ways to do it on the cheap.

Nobody will notice what he is wearing. He is already budgeted to have the meal paid for. He goes, has a couple of soft drinks and then leaves early because you are going out the next morning. As long as he doesn’t get sucked in to buying rounds for each other the evening shouldn’t cost more than £10 plus petrol there and back. Works Christmas parties are often awful anyway so probably good to duck out early! Have a great Christmas x

One colleague said to him that the boss likes all his staff to attend as he's paying for the meal as a way of thanking them all for their hardwork so I think in that sense it would be rude of him not to go.

Public transport would be a train and then 2 buses to get there so probably working out about £20.

He can't really do drunk people when he's sober so I wouldn't like to say to him to stay sober, he barley goes out so he will more than likely want to have a few drinks.

When he gets paid will he be able to pay it all back? If so I'd do it, OK it's debt but for a week or so and it's a new job and important to feel part of the team. Are you planning on buying him a present? Maybe something towards this would be better?

Hope you sort it.

Can he get a second hand shirt and drive, @M24L?

And have a bottle of wine ready for when he gets back and you can have a little celebration together, it’s been a tough year and you have a baby and a new job to celebrate 🎉

Trousers/ jeans will all look the same, so they don't matter, as regards wearing them to work and on a night out, so long as they are clean and presentable.
A new shirt/ top from Primark, if there's one nearby. And most people wear the same outdoor jacket / coat during winter. So I wouldn't let the clothes aspect be a stumbling block.

I would be amazed if the December wage isn’t paid before Christmas, it normally is when monthly wages are paid at the end of the month. It means that the payroll can be closed out before the staff go on holiday and the bank payments made before the Bank Holiday days kick in. In almost 40yrs, I have always been paid around 22/23.

As for the meal, I would suggest he goes but drives, no one will bother that he isn’t drinking, I lived 35 miles from my work, so invariably drove on rare social occasions, and no one batted an eyelid.

Clothes - no one will really be thinking that he is in his ‘work clothes’ but if he really does want something new, make it just a nice shirt or jumper and treat it as his Christmas present.

Have a conversation with him, saying you’d like him to be able to go, how can it work within your financial constraints.

Of course he doesn’t need a new outfit or to get leathered and pay premium rates for a taxi back. You’re overthinking this.

Let him go! Honestly I have been the person that hasn't gone out in the past due to cash flow. Now I'm a bit older and wiser I would say he needs to take that opportunity to join in. He can drive and that's a great excuse to minimise the cost.

I'm teetotal, it's great fun to be the sober one at a do, quite hilarious at times. Much better to stay sober at his first works do anyway, you don't want him doing anything embarrassing.

This is silly - he doesn’t need a new outfit.

I can’t believe anyone will notice clothes, most work dos I’ve been to we’ve gone straight from work in work clothes. Even when not I’ve not had a special outfit to wear. People do not keep track of clothing that others wear, he’d need to wear the same distinctive jumper for a fortnight probably for anyone to clock it.

He doesn't need to buy an outfit, surely? Jeans and a shirt will do for most Xmas dos I've attended.

And he doesn't need to stay late. He can go a couple, drink cheap drinks, and head off early with excuses about having to get up early the next day.

I think it depends what sort of night out it is - casual drinks in the pub after work type night then go for a couple of diet cokes in his "normal" clothes and drive home. Black tie, sit down dinner and dancing big night out sort of night is harder to bail early and definitely needs "nice clothes" so that would be a no from me.

I would be amazed if the December wage isn’t paid before Christmas, it normally is when monthly wages are paid at the end of the month. It means that the payroll can be closed out before the staff go on holiday and the bank payments made before the Bank Holiday days kick in. In almost 40yrs, I have always been paid around 22/23.

And this is true. December payroll is usually done early.

So many employers pay the December wage before Christmas because it’s kind and also means they don’t have to run payroll between Xmas and the new year when that’s only like 1-2 working days. Can he ask payroll because this may well be the case and then you are worrying for no reason. Totally agree he can go in work clothes unless it’s some fancy black tie thing - I bet some people will be coming straight from work anyway. If not does he have brothers/mates he can borrow a new shirt from? Unless he works in a fashion magazine no one is going to notice that it’s the same jeans! Or suggest that everyone goes in Xmas jumpers (if he already has one) - Christmas jumper at a Christmas meal is totally appropriate! or a “bad tie/shirt” theme

@ancientgran

I'm teetotal, it's great fun to be the sober one at a do, quite hilarious at times. Much better to stay sober at his first works do anyway, you don't want him doing anything embarrassing.

I agree! (about it being sometimes hilarious to be the sober one).

But anyway- I hope you can work it out. I know it is generous of the office to want to have a do and to largely subsidise the staff, but as multiple threads on here show it can really present issues for some people.

It doesn't sound like he needs new clothes and if the workplace is paying for everything then can you afford the cab fare home, an Uber? Is anyone else going your way home?

Never heard of anyone, especially a man needing new clothes for a works night out ! . If you really must you can pick up a nice shirt for £5 in a charity shop.

I think he should go, if you are in a new job it's good to bond with the team.

Or suggest that everyone goes in Xmas jumpers (if he already has one) - Christmas jumper at a Christmas meal is totally appropriate! or a “bad tie/shirt” theme

Going in Xmas jumpers means lots of people will need to spend money for no reason.

Shirt and jeans - everyone will already have these.

I think tbh he should just make up his own mind! He’s a grown up, he’s earns money - I don’t think you can tell him not to drink/to drink/ to stay out/to come home after dinner etc etc! It’s whatever he feels is right. If he goes and blows a load of cash on getting wasted and new clothes and stuff then he’s an idiot...but I’m assuming he’s sensible and a normal mature adult aware of current financial restraint so I’m sure he’ll do the right thing, whatever he decides that is.
(I have to say, if it were the other way round I’d be telling my DH to back off trying to organise my life, and that I’m perfectly capable of doing the right thing!)

Why can’t he just drive, wear his normal clothes and then it costs no more than fuel money and parking??

He can wear what he already has. He could also possibly ask work for an advance due to the circumstances?

He should go. It'll integrate him into the company

I am going to get him to double check the December payment date as we normally order dinner and pay it on Xmas eve when we collect it so if hes paid before Xmas then we don't have to worry about dinner with the wage at the end of this month meaning there will be some leeway there.

I think hes one of the oldest in the work place tbh and I feel this is where the worrying about clothing is coming from as the younger ones will probably be a bit glammed up.

@ancientgran I'm teetotal also and work nights out are always a good laugh although sometimes they get a bit much for my sober self 😅