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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Agree with Money Saving Expert?

196 replies

backtolifebacktoreality · 10/11/2021 23:08

Martin Lewis said this a few years back. I think it's very very true!

"Christmas has become a retail festival and it shouldn't be. Christmas should be joyous but causes some people unhappiness, debt and worry. Many people feel obliged to buy gifts for others that they know they won't use, with money they don't have, and cause themselves stress they don't need ... The gift of giving can be selfish as it can mis-prioritise people's finances and create a financial burden. If you give a gift to someone they're effectively forced to buy you one back ... It's time for us to get off this gift giving treadmill. Sometimes the best gift is releasing others from the obligation of having to give to you. Let's work together to ban unnecessary Christmas presents ... (However, if you feel you want to give something) Do a Secret Santa or give to charity instead".

OP posts:
Kendodd · 11/11/2021 10:01

I love Christmas but the worst thing about it is all the presents. I don't want anything, no more stuff, I've got enough, I reached peak stuff years ago.
Cards though, please don't ditch the cards, I love them especially if they have a few words about how your doing and I genuinely love round robins.

But, we get loads of threads on here with people moaning about spending £££ on a present and only getting £ back.

gracewitt · 11/11/2021 10:03

Thank you for this post - can't agree more! A friend of 40+ years standing wrote to me early lockdown and suggested we stop with the presents. It was such a well-worded letter that I used it to suggest the same thing to others. Present list is now 7 from 15 and all those 7 (no children) will be getting something fancy to eat (eg cheese, cake, posh crackers).

Its also a gift to release someone from the obligation of reciprocal giving.

bumbleymummy · 11/11/2021 10:05

@Kendodd

I love Christmas but the worst thing about it is all the presents. I don't want anything, no more stuff, I've got enough, I reached peak stuff years ago. Cards though, please don't ditch the cards, I love them especially if they have a few words about how your doing and I genuinely love round robins.

But, we get loads of threads on here with people moaning about spending £££ on a present and only getting £ back.

I miss cards too! Actually, handwritten letters in general. My friends and I used to write letters to each other during our uni days. Emails/social media have killed it :(
Tittyfilarious81 · 11/11/2021 10:09

I bit the bullet this year , I sent out a text saying from now on we were not going to be doing presents other than our own children because the cost was getting ridiculous . Me and DH don't buy each other Christmas presents because we can't ever think of anything so we would buy each other gifts for gifts sake which just seemed pointless

TheLeadbetterLife · 11/11/2021 10:10

@ExConstance

This thread sort of makes me sad. I love Christmas, we are comfortably off and give money to charity too but I just love getting very carefully chosen presents for my family ( why are presents always called "Tat" on Mumsnet?) I learned from my mother to listen carefully all year and work out what people wanted or wished for. It might be soething little, like a blue plant to go in the border with the pink ones or a pear tree because they only had apple ones, or an ice cream scoop for someone who she had seen struggle with a spoon week in week out. It might be a big bottle of someones favourite perfume when i'd noticed they were nearly out. I can see the point of not giving if it isn't wanted by most of us don't buy ourselves little luxuries or even necessities we would like to have and the secret of good present giving is to get these. I will be sending cards, i love getting them, sending them, writing little notes to go in them and displaying them in my home. I'll be spoiling my adult sons with nice presents. There will be no tat! When all the decorations go back in the box on 5 January (yes, I make it last the full 12 days) I'll be a bit sad and start thinking about next year. I'm very aware there are other views on this but don't brand all of us Christmas lovers as unwanted tat merchants please!
But this is exactly how Christmas should be! I love it, and I make it last until Twelfth Night too. I think a winter rest is a really important thing for health - twelve days of relaxing, being at peace, enjoying doing nothing, going for long walks and eating rich food. It's different from a holiday where you might have to go sightseeing, and the exhaustion of plane travel etc.

During the twelve days I catch up with friends and family, maybe go out for a knees up on New Year's Eve, cook fancy meals we don't normally have time for. My husband and I plan things to do just like we would for a summer holiday, but they're restorative activities, rather than exciting or interesting.

I love sending and receiving cards, and as I said upthread I think gift giving is a very important part of human social interaction when it's done right (like you've described here). I also love the rituals of putting my tree up (which has decorations I've collected for years, including inherited ones that are older than me) and taking it down. I love decorating using symbolic greenery, it makes me feel connected to human history, as well as my own childhood.

What I cannot stand is the way commercial nonsense is being forcibly marketed as Essential Christmas Tradition. The John Lewis ad, Christmas boxes, expensive advent calendars, cheap Christmas-themed clothes. I generally manage to avoid it all by not being on social media and not watching much linear TV.

Tropicalsunshine · 11/11/2021 10:10

In my friend group we got into the habit of buying for each other's children at Christmas. One year my friend asked me what my kids wanted and I just said I think we should stop with the gifts. She was relieved and we haven't done it since.
I recommend being brave if the present thing is getting out of hand!

bumbleymummy · 11/11/2021 10:11

Me and DH don't buy each other Christmas presents because we can't ever think of anything so we would buy each other gifts for gifts sake which just seemed pointless

We’re like this! We’ve started just getting each other a little selection of our favourite snacks and then going out for a day/night together - walk and lunch/dinner/cinema etc. Just some nice time to ourselves.

crossstitchingnana · 11/11/2021 10:19

The adults in my family stopped buying years ago. It was stupid, same £20 going back and forth. Feels freeing but people can't believe I don't buy anything for my parents. Also, after 18 the nieces and nephews get nothing and my own now get a gift about £40 instead of £100. When you can earn yourself it all feels a bit unnecessary. It is freeing and no-one is upset.

Smorgasborb · 11/11/2021 10:20

@Pixxie7 I agree in principle but I buy gifts because I actually enjoy giving gifts, not because I expect getting anything back.

Well that the problem. I don't want to get anything. I have literally no use for anything anything anyone else would select for me. We continually say 'don't get us anything' and we are thrust a package of tat which we have to gaily accept because the person 'likes giving gifts'. So the gift I get has nothing to do with me and everything about you and your desire.

If you like giving gifts to people who don't want them then please just donate to charity in their name if you feel you need to.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 11/11/2021 10:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Kendodd · 11/11/2021 10:24

Me and DH don't buy each other Christmas presents because we can't ever think of anything so we would buy each other gifts for gifts sake which just seemed pointless

We all have Christmas lists in my immediate family.
I stop buying stuff I need in about November. Things like a new coffee machine or dressing gown. They go on my Christmas list, with links, to the exact items I want. It means things that are broken or worn out get replaced and we still get the ritual of gift giving on Christmas day.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 11/11/2021 10:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

hopetoretireearly · 11/11/2021 10:25

So true. We are buying for the DC (1&3) but DH and I aren’t bothering buying for each other - I mean, I might get him a bit of chocolate or something but that’s it - there’s nothing I can think I’d like so what’s the point?!

I’ve asked my parents for socks as I actually need those! But they normally just give my brother and I a cheque.

MIL has also vetoed presents for adults this year and asked we give to charity instead - I’m fine with that as she always buys crap anyway!

And a couple of years ago I vetoed secret Santa at work - it’s always tut and just gets left on the table, restaurant or taxi - so I suggested instead we all put £10 in and buy presents for the local hospital for kids stuck there over Xmas - much better use of funds!

Smorgasborb · 11/11/2021 10:27

We buy nothing. No one gets any presents! We receive nothing either. It is amazing. Xmas is just a big feast with friends and family. No stress. No anxiety. No dealing with a pile of shite no one wanted. No worrying if the socks you bought great uncle John are the right size. No bin bags of paper. No shopping.

It also helps it's sunny and around 26c and we are usually on the beach and BBQ ing.

Wexone · 11/11/2021 10:28

I ma on the fence here. I love buying presents. and love giving them. I don't believe there should be a set budget, you should spend what you can afford. But buy something you know the person would like and appreciate. My mother drives me wrong, she will ask me what i like for xmas, will tell her perfume or a nice top from French connection please. She will then say no i am buying that or cant afford French connection so will get some perfume on special offer i dint like and will give to the charity shop or someone who does like it, or a voucher for s shopping center for 20e but like likes a two hour drive to get to it. Or she bought myself and my partner a one night stay to a hotel - but the hotel was a 7 hour drive to get to and we couldn't afford the second night nor the diesel to drive there. I don't mind the amount you spend but something that i would appreciate, a nice lunch out or a beauty treatment would be nice, but it shows that my mother doesn't know me at all . My friend never spends money on herself, but always walks past the nice boutique in town so will always buy her a voucher for their and she will always go in and buy herself something nice. I know she always appreciates it . So am saying yes to buying all the tat but no to actual no present buying.

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 11/11/2021 10:29

Yes, but the people who receive the gifts might feel obliged to do the same, even if you tell them not to

A friend of mine buys me a birthday present and is honestly annoyed and upset when I reciprocate

This year she’s forgotten…..and im really really tempted to get her a birthday present anyway 🤔

Overthehillandfartaway · 11/11/2021 10:29

I always get incredibly stressed ' Christmas Shopping' , and it really does spoil things for me.

I few - about five presents in total - would do for me both to buy and receive, and then I can concentrate on enjoying the spirit and atmosphere of the season.

You know the Raymond Briggs book ' Father Christmas', at the end of his ' shift' he opens three presents I think, some socks, a tie and a bottle of Brandy ..that always seems to capture exactly what pressies should be about for some reason!

Kendodd · 11/11/2021 10:31

Well that the problem. I don't want to get anything. I have literally no use for anything anything anyone else would select for me. We continually say 'don't get us anything' and we are thrust a package of tat which we have to gaily accept because the person 'likes giving gifts'. So the gift I get has nothing to do with me and everything about you and your desire.

I tent to get food gifts in these situations. Fancy cheese and biscuits, nicely packaged, sort of thing. That way they're eaten (or not) and gone but importantly, they're not cluttering up the house.

BackBackBack · 11/11/2021 10:34

I used to buy something for everyone - and between us DH and I have a very large extended family. Between the shopping, and the wrapping, and then the postage for the people who live far away...it was stressful and very expensive.

I stopped 'doing' gifts about 6 or 7 years ago - I just cracked because got to the point where it was too much to try and keep up with Christmas and birthdays and Easter for so many people. I very nicely told people I wasn't going to buy anymore and didn't want anything in return. Ironically those that complained the most were the ones who had lots of young children and had never so much as sent us a Christmas card in return (I don't have DC).

DH and I might get each other something very small as a token gift - I bought him some aftershave last year. I do like getting Christmas cards, although I am wrestling with my conscience a bit about whether to carry on with them this year because of the environmental impact of all the glitter etc.

BarbaraofSeville · 11/11/2021 10:35

@ExConstance

This thread sort of makes me sad. I love Christmas, we are comfortably off and give money to charity too but I just love getting very carefully chosen presents for my family ( why are presents always called "Tat" on Mumsnet?) I learned from my mother to listen carefully all year and work out what people wanted or wished for. It might be soething little, like a blue plant to go in the border with the pink ones or a pear tree because they only had apple ones, or an ice cream scoop for someone who she had seen struggle with a spoon week in week out. It might be a big bottle of someones favourite perfume when i'd noticed they were nearly out. I can see the point of not giving if it isn't wanted by most of us don't buy ourselves little luxuries or even necessities we would like to have and the secret of good present giving is to get these. I will be sending cards, i love getting them, sending them, writing little notes to go in them and displaying them in my home. I'll be spoiling my adult sons with nice presents. There will be no tat! When all the decorations go back in the box on 5 January (yes, I make it last the full 12 days) I'll be a bit sad and start thinking about next year. I'm very aware there are other views on this but don't brand all of us Christmas lovers as unwanted tat merchants please!
But many people don't have that sort of relationship with their friends or relatives so might not spot this, or it might be the wrong time of year for the plants etc.

Plus if people identify a need for something like an ice cream scoop, they should just buy it. Why wouldn't you?

If I needed something for the house, or a personal item, I'd want to choose the version that suits me, a colour I like, when I see it at a good price and when it is seasonally appropriate. I wouldn't want to bank on a well meaning relative identifying a perceived need, buying me the item and then potentially having to wait months to receive it.

Most adults can buy what they want, when they want it, within reason, so it makes much more sense to just do that.

Kendodd · 11/11/2021 10:35

buy presents for the local hospital for kids stuck there over Xmas - much better use of funds!

Actually, I would steer clear of that as well. I bet they've got more stuff than they can cope with.

almahart · 11/11/2021 10:36

Couldn't agree more. I was clearing out my 11 year olds bedroom with him and even he remarked on how much Christmas stocking stuff went to jumble/bin

Kendodd · 11/11/2021 10:42

I always think on the wedding present threads, just give them the money instead. That's what's going to be most useful to a young couple. Or buy something from their list, something they actually want or need instead of this conceited idea that your some sort of present buy expert and know better than they do what they want.

Oh and when people are always delighted with your carefully chosen gift, trust me, plenty of us are faking it, we're not delighted at all.

LouLou789 · 11/11/2021 10:45

We have 12 grandkids. Two of them (younger, and where we are more heavily involved, childcare etc) get a sensible present, the other 10 are older and get £20 each. We put this money away over the second half of the year so it’s ready. At least then they can use it for something they want/need. We have never bought each other anything. Not because we are stingy but because we honestly don’t want anything.

I give a gift to an elderly friend and to a couple of close friends. Wish I had the guts to stop sending Christmas cards, though.

toomuchlaundry · 11/11/2021 10:46

A few years ago we started to reduce presents amongst the adults in extended family on DH's side. Instead, we would do things like theatre trip, meal out. Due to distance we didn't see them much over the year, so these were things we wouldn't regularly do together. The meal out would also be at a slightly more expensive restaurant than we would go to normally. Before that, we would be asking for things just for the sake of asking so someone could buy us a present, which seemed ridiculous.