Husband and work

[Werk]

I need perspective here.

Like many families we have the set up that my husband is the breadwinner and I am the part time worker.

my husband is a workaholic.

He does nothing else during the week. He does nothing with me or the DC. Monday to Friday all of our lives revolve around his job. He sees us for half an hour in the morning and then scuttles off to his office (he is still mainly working from home). He doesn't even tell me if he is joining us for dinner, even though he is upstairs (no one is allowed to interrupt him). I often get messages telling me not to bring the DC straight home from school as he has an important call that must not be disturbed. This is ok when the weather is nice but not so good now.

He seems to have created this life that his job is the centre and we all have to bow down to the work god.

We never really had a discussion about this. When I had my eldest I was all set to go back to work FT and hire a nanny. DH was really against this. I also had "the fear" about going back to work after maternity leave (that DH refused to share, it was new back then) and I think he saw that weakness to convince me to ask for PT hours instead. I distinctly remember suggesting that rather than me working 3 days we should both do 4. He said it would be impossible for him and never asked his employer. So, I ended up going back PT.
It basically ended my career (solicitor) and I ended up leaving and taking a job with my local authority - it is local, not highly paid but flexible and I get a decent pension. I had a second child.
I get to take and collect the DC from school each day. TBH the job has been perfect whilst having young children. However, there isn't much in the way of progression and I am a bit fed up of my job. I have been there 6 years.

I have been looking around for new jobs, nothing part time ever seems to be advertised and recruiters aren't interested in part time. I have had a couple of interviews and I was offered one role but it would have meant leaving the DC at breakfast club at 7.30am and collecting them at 6.30pm 5 days a week. I know other people do it but I think it will be a big adjustment, especially for my youngest.

In the meantime, my husband has excelled in his career and has massively increased his pay. We have bought a new house and increased expenditure as a result.

When we discussed me taking the job with a view to perhaps asking for part time in a few months and I again suggested that we both ask for 4 days - this seems fairest to me and also would not impact our finances. DC would only then need to have long childcare days 3 days a week.

He refuses to ask for part time.
He says that he would rather just quit and be a SAHP (which would be disastrous financially as we need his higher income).
He seems keen to quit. I find it a little laughable as he never cooks or cleans and rarely manages to empty the washing machine on the same day he loads it.

On the one hand I think it would be good for him to spend more time with the DC but then on the other I don't think it has to be all or nothing. He seems to think he has to work in this extreme way or not at all.

The irony is he thinks me working part time is perfectly acceptable.

Am I being unreasonable here? He makes me feel that I am.

Some workplaces are like this. Where you're not take seriously if you even ask for part time as it implies you already can't cope. Eyes are rolled if kids are in the background. And then everyone knows each other in the industry so if you try and find somewhere else to work, people will bitch about the guy that could potentially be unreliable as he's trying to juggle family and can't take calls 100% of the time. Some departments where I work are a bit like this - I'm fairly lucky but I definitely feel the pressure sometimes to outperform my colleagues. If there's ever job cuts I need to absolutely make sure I'm not first 😬.

Might that also explain why he's keen to quit at the same time?

However it's still his responsibility to manage this and communicate. Could he be in a spare room out the way? The garage? Is it possible to freelance with less hours, or contract for half the year at a high rate? What is he worried about if you work?

He's using you expenditure as an excuse not to go part time. Threatening you with something you know would be financial suicide, such as him being a sahp, to keep the status quo he wants.

He sounds selfish, his work comes first and everyone else must fit their lives around him
He sounds selfish in that he doesn't interact with the dc
He sounds selfish in that he's happy for you to be in a job you dislike as it suits him
He sounds selfish because he won't hire a nanny so you can have a fulfilling job

Tbh it sounds like he keeps you and the dc around because it makes his life easier, live in nanny, cook, cleaner, maid, someone to have sex with and gives him the 2.4 wife and children persona

You need to be more assertive and tell him that things are not working and have to change.

The house is your and the dcs home and you will not be keeping them out late ever again.

He needs to cut his hours and have meals with the family and he must play an active part in family life

He must work with you so you get the same career options he has had, otherwise I would be talking about him taking some time away so you can think about where you things going. You aren’t his servant and housekeeper.

I also noticed the comment about upping the lifestyle, I would be very wary of continuing to do this as it’s trapping you all on a dependency on his job. Personally I would be looking to make savings, reduce expenses etc so you have more financial options and he won’t be able to claim that you need his earnings. And if things don’t work out, savings or a smaller mortgage will make things much easier in the future

If he has an important meeting, he needs to find a car, hit desk or somewhere else to take it. Your home is not an office space 24/7

Go and get a full time job, wrap round care for D.C. and cleaner/ au pair type arrangements

Excel in your carer and concentrate on you

Kids are at school, go full time and use wrap round care.

Once you are reestablished and if your location is poor for furthering your career I would move closer if possible, with or without the husband.

Oh and agree with pp, if the home is not suitable for his meetings he needs to find an office space. Me and dh wfh, we have offices with doors that shut and use headsets with mics that don't pick up noise from outside, if he can't make a closed off office work then he sorts it. You should still be able to use the rest of the house.

OP, I am sorry. It sounds as if he has already checked out of the marriage and parenthood. Your relationship, from what you've posted, won't last a lot longer. Get the nanny in place, get a full-time job, so that you are not so dependent on him. This isn't your fault. His behaviour is controlling - financially/your work/your role in the home/when you and the children can or can't be in the house - so you need to wake up, have your wits about you and start preparing for the worst. If it doesn't happen, nothing is lost. But be ready.

Why do you need to be out of the house if his office is in the loft conversion?

That's exactly what we have. The children would have to be Brian Blessed to be heard two floors up on the other end of a call.

Having known high paid husband's who did call their wives' bluff and give up work to live on wife's much lower wages,I would not pursue that angle. I understand not wanting to use school wraparound care. I'd prefer employing someone of mature years in your home who would do school pick ups and supervise homework,including during school holidays. Retired/fed up legal secretary ? Takes off a huge amount of the mental load not having to worry about those things. Husband needs headphones ,some acoustic screens and some floor matting.

@girlmom21

Go back to work full time. Using the before and after school clubs if you need to.

The kids won't be young forever and the longer you're out of the legal world the harder it'll be to get back into it.

Tell DH he needs to pull his weight childcare-wise.

^^This. Just do it, try it. It might be great.

@ItsDinah

Having known high paid husband's who did call their wives' bluff and give up work to live on wife's much lower wages,I would not pursue that angle. I understand not wanting to use school wraparound care. I'd prefer employing someone of mature years in your home who would do school pick ups and supervise homework,including during school holidays. Retired/fed up legal secretary ? Takes off a huge amount of the mental load not having to worry about those things. Husband needs headphones ,some acoustic screens and some floor matting.

Actually this is the most sensible suggestion ^^

@CardiganAddict

Some workplaces are like this. Where you're not take seriously if you even ask for part time as it implies you already can't cope. Eyes are rolled if kids are in the background. And then everyone knows each other in the industry so if you try and find somewhere else to work, people will bitch about the guy that could potentially be unreliable as he's trying to juggle family and can't take calls 100% of the time. Some departments where I work are a bit like this - I'm fairly lucky but I definitely feel the pressure sometimes to outperform my colleagues. If there's ever job cuts I need to absolutely make sure I'm not first 😬.

Might that also explain why he's keen to quit at the same time?

However it's still his responsibility to manage this and communicate. Could he be in a spare room out the way? The garage? Is it possible to freelance with less hours, or contract for half the year at a high rate? What is he worried about if you work?

Thank you for putting a balanced perspective forward . They always put the worst possible motives for anything a man does or doesnt do.

Maybe its because of where i come from but my answer to all this is always if it affordable get paid help!. I dont unferstand why people are always trying to get their husbands to work less instead of getting someone to do stuff like cleaning when they can afford it. Where i come from everyone had paid help with childcare and maids etc. It takes a village to raise children not just mum and dad.

If you’ve got a garden space get him a shed / home office thingy for his important calls. They are brilliant!

There is no way on earth I'd be driven out of my own house and told not to come home with the children, I'd tell him to get stuffed in no uncertain terms.
He sounds full of the sense of his own importance.
If employees are working at home and they have a family then employers know there is occasionally going to be background noise.
Ff's.

Firstly it is as much your house as his. Stop tiptoeing around him. He can get noise cancelling headset for being on calls. They filter out ambient/background noise so it is unlikely anyone would hear you or your kids. My house is sometimes a cacophony of dogs and children and when I've apologised on calls for the disturbance, people have said that they heard nothing.

Secondly, go back to work, full time, if that's what you want.
Other families with 2 full time working parents do it.

If you are both working full time, then you share the school runs. He still has it easier likely because he works from home. Ask him which 5 school runs he is doing and stick to it.

If you don't want to put your kids in before and after school care, then is it possible to get someone to do the "breakfast shift" before school, making them breakfast and walking them to school. Then same for after school. If you advertise locally, you might find that someone looking for a part time job will do this.

If you have to use wraparound care, don't worry about it. More than likely the kids will love it.

If he won't do his fair share, then you could threaten him that he will be doing this anyway when you leave him. Remind him that a divorce will split assets and childcare. I'm sure he knows this since you are both in the legal business.

Good luck. It is tough being a dual full time working family. However, we've always done that and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Best wishes.

@Merryoldgoat

My DH has a fairly senior role. He works from home at the moment.

He does school runs, cooks, etc

He has important meetings all bloody day.

He’s been interrupted by naked children, doorbells, a wife needing access to her underwear drawer.

He thinks it’s funny.

Your husband is a twat but I suspect you already know what.

Same here. I get a lot of: “tell me if I disturb you/don’t want to get in your way/sorry I have to wfh it just be hard for you+ds”

Tell him to fuck off back to his office

He’s being so unreasonable asking you to stay out of the house. He needs a headset that’s noise cancelling. I dislike my DH working from home as we have three kids and two have special needs and I can’t keep them quiet easily but it’s his choice to work from home. He worries frequently about losing his job, his dad was died young and the family had very little money. I think it’s really hard for women. I would go back to work FT and use wrap around care. See how it goes and if it works and if not reevaluate. Your DH doesn’t sound very engaged in family life though.

Sounds like dh except we are 60ish and the dc are grown.

It's almost exactly what we did op although thankfully dh worked at work not home despite having that option pre covid. I had 8 years off for dc (wanted it) and then returned like you, locally, for less money but fab pension/holidays etc. As the children got bigger I switched to full time and we got au pairs. Work was a huge relief and actually I think kept the family better rounded.

I can sympathise with the wanting quiet, etc. When dh had a big case he'd often book a hotel for a couple of nights when they were still tiniest and there were broken nights and he needed to be in court all day and totally absorbed except for sleep from about 12 to 5.

It was a case of managing him and home and the benefits were and are immense: beautiful home, 2nd home, school fees and other bells and whistles. There were years when I did everything and when he was largely an absent parent but at the end of the day and this is the rub op, it worked because we really loved each other and after more than 30 years still do. I wonder if that's the real issue?

Seems to me that you’ve spent a lot of your life doing what your husband wants you to do.

Tell your DH you’ve been reading up on career progression and people who have a visible family presence tend to climb the slippery ladder of success far more quickly - shows that they’re human, can multi task, have parenting skills etc. But…,if he thinks just being a face in a quiet box will nail it, best of luck!

Do your children go to private school?

Which sector is he in and how senior is he? Does he get paid a serious amount of money?

If he was in a lower paid role with less responsibility in a different sector do you think he would be any less focused?

My DH is a workaholic - he does get paid a lot of money but I genuinely think he would be like this in whatever role he has. He has always been supportive about me working though - we have a nanny to do drop offs & pick ups. We cannot rely on him to do anything during the week. I am not having a great time at work at the moment, he's suggested I resign as I am unhappy. He has also said me being a SAHP would help him - I am also weighing up my options.

My DH works from home. He’s a senior dude. We have a dog barking, me emptying the cutlery, teens ringing with ‘life’ issues several times a day, sick elderly parents in and out of hospital, Amazon deliveries, home improvement, trades visiting…..it’s f’ing life. It’s how it is. Last week, he was On a call when a Venetian blind detached from the wall…struck him on the nose causing a heavy nose bleed. Schmeh. You can’t screen out life. He’s being incredibly anal.

The Law Society runs returner courses for people in your position. I worked part time as a solicitor for a long time, so I’m pretty sure you could get a part time job quite easily if that is what you want.

In the meantime, tell him that the house is your children’s home and they will be coming home straight after school. Everyone else has been coping with that whilst WFH for the last 18 months, there’s no reason why he can’t.