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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in Law is being unreasonable

125 replies

Boymama21 · 09/11/2021 16:04

I'm in some serious need of advice in regards to my mother in law.
I'm a new mum as of 5 weeks ago and am enjoying getting used to motherhood and getting to know my new baby and bonding with him. When he was around 2 weeks old my partners mum offered to take him to her house for a couple of hours so I could sleep and have some me time, I agreed as I was shattered and was suffering with minor baby blues - few hours went by and I went to pick him up and not thinking I said to her she could have him once a week for a few hours and she was more than happy to do it, he's her first grandchild so you can imagine how she's feeling towards my son (absolutely over the moon about him) she had him another time and it made me realise I don't want her having him every week for a few hours or the full day as I want him with me all the time - she asked my partner the other day if she could have our son for the day and we told her I want him with me all the time as I'm a new mum and am still bonding with my baby - she immediately got mardy about this and was being off with us, we said she could come to the house over the weekend she made excuses, next day we had a massive row over the phone and she says she just wants time with him on her own to bond with him, she has said she will not have him overnight next weekend while me and partner are out for his birthday and told us we should stay in, the thought of him being away overnight kills me but with it being my partners birthday we want to go out for a meal - she's not talking to us as the moment all because I don't want to be apart from him for a day for her to have him. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable, my family don't think I am as I'm a new mum but she doesn't seem to get that!
She also took him for his first ever walk in his pram when I didn't want her to! Advice and opinions would be much appreciated and sorry for the long post!

OP posts:

Babyvenusplant · 09/11/2021 16:10

You've nipped this in the bud quickly, which I think is a good thing. Although I'm not surprised she's being pissy about having him overnight on the weekend. I wouldn't ask for her to babysit for a while if it was me.

GinIronic · 09/11/2021 16:15

Why grandmothers want very young babies to “bond” or overnight is a mystery to me. Well done for getting your boundaries in place. Don’t ask her to babysit ever again. Have a takeaway as a celebration and enjoy YOUR baby.

AreYouRightThereSkippy · 09/11/2021 16:15

I think on the one hand saying you can't bear to be without him and the thought of it kills you, but you must do it for your dp birthday seems a bit silly if I'm honest. We don't have this sort of support and we do spend our bdays as a family. It isn't an absolute must have that you have the night child free because birthday.

If you don't want her having him for a few hours each week that's totally up to you, but I can also see why she won't have him overnight. Last time she had him to do you a favour you resented it, so I wouldn't want to watch him for you either tbh.

QforCucumber · 09/11/2021 16:17

Hmmm i'm not sure here, you don't want her to have him through the day here and there, but are then sending him over night when it suits you - I can see why she would be annoyed about this. Babies this young have a memory of about 3 days, if he's due to stay overnight then he needs to spend some time with her too or he won't even know who she is

(this is coming from someone with a 17 month old who has never had an overnight or an evening without him as we have no childcare at all)

SleighBells21 · 09/11/2021 16:19

Yeah I agree it's picking and choosing.
I mean, great you've nipped it in the bud quick what you don't want to happen but you then can't get upset when she says no aswell.

PinkKecks · 09/11/2021 16:20

She can't win! You think your MIL is unreasonable for wanting to take him out for a couple of hours but unreasonable because she doesn't want him for a night?

What do you think would be the reasonable thing for her to do?

Northofsomewhere · 09/11/2021 16:21

I do think you've mislead her a little, first saying she could have him and few hours each week then going back on then and then asking her to do an overnight. YANBU to not want her to have him away from you regularly but you have given the impression this was ok before so I can also understand why she's a bit upset and frustrated that something she was looking forward to now isn't happening.

I think you should apologise the telling her there'd be regular weekly alone time but that your feelings have changed but you want her to be involved and welcome future visits (unspecified time and frequency). You're a new mum, it's going to take time and hopefully she'll remember that.

forrestgreen · 09/11/2021 16:22

I actually side with your mil. You want her to know your baby well enough to have him overnight but she can't build up to that.
You can't pick and choose

Boo65 · 09/11/2021 16:23

I have a 2.5 year old Grandson who I absolutely adore. I've always had him for a full day or afternoon when I can from the time he was born (he's not stayed overnight yet) however his mum and dad are really grateful for the break and he has a great time!
We have a lovely Nanny/Grandson relationship, we do all sorts together. I think it's very important for a child to have good solid relationships with their extended family.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2021 16:23

Agree with PP. you did let her, then didn't want her too. Unless it's a night off for you. I'd be peeved if I was her too. She's good for the work, but not the fun.

Quartz2208 · 09/11/2021 16:23

You are entirely entitled to decide as a new Mum of course you are.

But saying you want her to do an overnight as a favour to you without letting her have some shorter times running up to it isnt actually fair either. You cannot pick and choose anymore than she can.

Either have him with you all the time until he is older or if you want an overnight let HIM (as the baby) get used to his grandmother so the overnight is easier

Anoisagusaris · 09/11/2021 16:24

Yabu sending a 5-6 week old baby away for the night.

Yummymummy2020 · 09/11/2021 16:24

Do you feel you have to leave him overnight for the meal as opposed to wanting to? Because if you don’t want to do over nights you shouldn’t feel forced into it. It’s perfectly normal to want your young baby with you.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 09/11/2021 16:24

the thought of him being away overnight kills me but with it being my partners birthday we want to go out for a meal

Why does going out for a meal necessitate being away from your baby overnight? Either take the baby out with you or stay in and get a takeaway. I wouldn't expect to leave my baby for the evening at a few weeks old (ours never slept for that long at that age, I know some do), let alone overnight. Especially not with someone I didn't want to leave them with during the day! So YANBU about the days but YABU about the overnighter.

Puffalicious · 09/11/2021 16:30

Totally agree that she can't seem to win here. You can't refuse when you feel like it.

Additionally I don't see anything wrong with her having him for, say, 2 hours once a week. Definitely not all day. It'd give you a break which not everyone has. It should be at a time and place that suits you both, though.

Why on Earth would you leave him overnight if you're anxious without him? You've waited 9 months to meet him why would a birthday warrant a night away? I just don't get that.

You're a new mum but coming across a bit precious.

Cuntness · 09/11/2021 16:31

She has absolutely no right to have your baby so she can "bond" but you're giving her mixed messages which is cruel.

You can't ask her to have him. Then to not have him. Then to have him overnight. But not have him during the day.

AliasGrape · 09/11/2021 16:33

Well no you’re not unreasonable to say you’re not ready to be away from him and change your mind about the arrangement - though given it’s something you’d agreed to and she was maybe excited about I hope you explained nicely and kindly.

On the other hand it’s a bit odd to say you can’t stand to be away from your baby for a few hours a day but then expect her to have him overnight for you. I have a 15 month old who has never spent a night away from home - I’m definitely not ready for that yet -!: wouldn’t have contemplated it for a second when she was just 6 weeks old. That’s not to say you’re unreasonable if you ARE comfortable with it - I’m sure baby would be absolutely fine with a loving grandparent he knows well and has spent lots of time with. But if I was your MIL and was told you weren’t ok for me to have the baby at mine for a few hours in the day but you DID want me to do a whole evening and overnight because you fancied an evening out then yeah I’d be thinking wtf a bit. Plus if you do let him go to her overnight you know she’s going to use that to push for more/ more regular time alone with the baby - I would be making my boundaries nice and firm and clear if I were you, not mixing my messages.

We have birthdays as a family or the one time we did go out for another special occasion we had dinner and a couple of drinks (literally just 2) at lunchtime so we were home for DD’s bedtime - I personally think a meal out and overnight stay with such a little baby is a bit unrealistic, especially now you know it’s just going to cause drama with MIL over childcare.

Doomscrolling · 09/11/2021 16:37

YABU to want it both ways.

If you didn't want her to spend that much time with your very new baby, that's fair enough.

However, you want free childcare at your convenience. In which case, you can't object to her dspending time wiht the baby.

YABVVVU to leave a 6 week old overnight with someone.

verymiddleaged · 09/11/2021 16:40

You do seem to be trying to have your cake and eat it OP.
It is entirely reasonable to want your baby with you.
But I don't understand why you are saying this and then asking your MIL to look after your baby overnight.

drivinmecrazy · 09/11/2021 16:45

Why not take the baby out with you for a meal?
When they're that young they can mange in the car seat for a few hours under the table.
Mine certainly did!!
But a bit of a word of warning, did exactly this when DD1 was five weeks old (very nearly 21 now 😢). Twas a big familiar dinner and she was silent under the table.
Getting into the taxi it was my DF that noticed we didn't have the baby with us. We'd complete forgotten we were parents for a moment and had to do the walk of shame and explain to the maitre d that we'd left out DD under the table.
I can't imagine ever leaving a baby that young for an overnight with a caregiver who wasn't bonded with my baby.

LightDrizzle · 09/11/2021 16:47

YABU - but on the basis of the mixed messages, not in wanting to keep your newborn baby close.

AliceMcK · 09/11/2021 16:48

So you don’t want her to have him 1 day a week because it’s too much for you to be away from him, but you want her to take him over night because you want to go out for a meal with your DP in his birthday 🤔

What happens when you go back to work, I bet you’d be happy for the free childcare then.

You need to decide what you want and stop messing her around. You can’t just use her when it suits you.

As someone who has never had any support at all from either of mine or DHs family, i mean we did everything in our own, didn’t have anyone to take any baby even for half an hour, I would recommend you decide whether you want family support or not, you can’t have it both ways.

I’d be sitting down with her, apologising for messing her around, explain how your feeling about bonding and all the confusion and trying to work together as two adults so your both happy.

Bollocks989 · 09/11/2021 16:49

Have a takeaway, don't get her to babysit.

girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 16:53

YABU. You can't keep picking and choosing. It's not fair.

You can't say you want baby with you all the time, then expect her to babysit when it suits you.

Take the baby with you to the meal and stop messing MIL around.

blissfulllife · 09/11/2021 16:54

If you don't want to be parted from your baby that's absolutely fine and understandable, but to then get annoyed when she won't have your baby for a whole night is quite puzzling. You either are happy for her to spend time with him alone....or not. You're picking and choosing when it suits you. I bet MIL is feeling quite used

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