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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in Law is being unreasonable

125 replies

Boymama21 · 09/11/2021 16:04

I'm in some serious need of advice in regards to my mother in law.
I'm a new mum as of 5 weeks ago and am enjoying getting used to motherhood and getting to know my new baby and bonding with him. When he was around 2 weeks old my partners mum offered to take him to her house for a couple of hours so I could sleep and have some me time, I agreed as I was shattered and was suffering with minor baby blues - few hours went by and I went to pick him up and not thinking I said to her she could have him once a week for a few hours and she was more than happy to do it, he's her first grandchild so you can imagine how she's feeling towards my son (absolutely over the moon about him) she had him another time and it made me realise I don't want her having him every week for a few hours or the full day as I want him with me all the time - she asked my partner the other day if she could have our son for the day and we told her I want him with me all the time as I'm a new mum and am still bonding with my baby - she immediately got mardy about this and was being off with us, we said she could come to the house over the weekend she made excuses, next day we had a massive row over the phone and she says she just wants time with him on her own to bond with him, she has said she will not have him overnight next weekend while me and partner are out for his birthday and told us we should stay in, the thought of him being away overnight kills me but with it being my partners birthday we want to go out for a meal - she's not talking to us as the moment all because I don't want to be apart from him for a day for her to have him. I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable, my family don't think I am as I'm a new mum but she doesn't seem to get that!
She also took him for his first ever walk in his pram when I didn't want her to! Advice and opinions would be much appreciated and sorry for the long post!

OP posts:

Neveragain990 · 09/11/2021 19:32

YABU. You want your cake and to eat it.

spaceghetto · 09/11/2021 19:36

Yabu. She is probably feeling like you are using her. It's only 1 day and I think it's lovely for children to have 1-1 time with grandparents

SnackSizeRaisin · 09/11/2021 19:44

You are completely unreasonable. Your baby is far too young to be away from his parents for more than an hour or 2, and even then only if it's essential. He's too young to bond with anyone other than you. As for leaving a 6 week old overnight just to go for a meal - how selfish and ridiculous. Why have a baby if you are going to behave like this. Is your partner putting pressure on you? Plus it's a pretty big ask for a grandma given baby is likely to be waking up several times.

Seriously I would leave the bonding with Grandma until 6 months and the overnights away from home until 2 or 3 years, unless there's some essential reason such as a hospital stay. Grandma can come and visit to play with the baby while you are there too.

Mummylewi · 09/11/2021 19:45

YANBU to nip it in the bud. My mil was like this. Babies that young don't need to bond with anyone else. Equally YABU you either can't be away from the baby or you can. Just bring him for the meal?

Mymapuddlington · 09/11/2021 19:48

It comes across as you wanted her when it suited you.
Now you’ve decided she can’t him.
But want her again because it suits you.

YOU said she could have him every week.
YOU then said you couldn’t be without him.
YOU then want her to have him for the night.

She must be so confused and upset.

Kitkat151 · 09/11/2021 19:49

You sound completely unreasonable OP....i feel sorry for your MIL having to put up with your antics....you sound like a complete piss taker

cansu · 09/11/2021 19:49

I think you have given her very mixed messages.
You wanted her to help you so she did.
You then told her she could have him for a few hours once a week and arranged for her to have him overnight to go out for a meal. You then decided she can't see him every week.

I would be holding out an olive branch. She sounds like gold dust for babysitting.

cansu · 09/11/2021 19:51

Her spending time with him won't make him any less yours! Someone else who adores him and will take care of him for a few hours while you do some jobs, watch tv or go for coffee with a friend - priceless!

Horst · 09/11/2021 19:52

Yabu purely for wanting to leave such a small baby overnight for anything other than an emergency frankly.

And of course mil is pissed one moment sure take the baby once a week for a few hours/the day to no sorry you can’t anymore but please have baby overnight so I can what? Eat out and get drunk?

Charlene1971 · 09/11/2021 19:52

@Kitkat151

You sound completely unreasonable OP....i feel sorry for your MIL having to put up with your antics....you sound like a complete piss taker

@Kitkat151

I mean......seriously? What's with people on this site telling the OP that they feel sorry for other people for having to put up with the OP? Is there any need to say that? No! So, just move on if you have nothing helpful to say! You come across so bitter and nasty.

boomshakalacka · 09/11/2021 19:54

I think it's bonkers that you're ok about having a night away from a 5 week old whilst moaning about being away from a 5 week old.

LadyGAgain · 09/11/2021 19:56

This is a tricky one. As your DS grows up, having a supportive and hands on grandma is worth its weight in gold. And you are giving some mixed messages. On the other hand your DS is very young and as a first time mum it can all feel massively overwhelming. Your desire to have him with you at all times is valid. Do you think you would be able to manage for a couple of hours? She gets to be with him while you do . A whole day a week is too much at this stage I totally agree. Give it a year or two and you'll be elated

Kitkat151 · 09/11/2021 19:59

@Charlene1971. It’s an AIBU thread....so I told OP that she was, IMO .... why is your opinion any more valid than mine? .... certainly not bitter and nasty....just stating my opinion

coldwarenigma · 09/11/2021 19:59

Never mind a 'nightmare MIL' , I think this is a nightmare DIL and in 25 years then a MIL in the making..

JumperooSue · 09/11/2021 20:02

Yabu, but I honestly think you know that.

Why wouldn’t you want your mil to bond with your son if you’re happy for her to have him overnight? Surely you’d want your son to be with someone that he’s familiar with if you plan to leave him overnight, he needs comfort more than you need your meal out. I don’t have any judgement towards people leaving their newborn overnight but I don’t understand why you’re saying it’s killing you to do so when you don’t have to, that’s just ridiculous.

bellsbuss · 09/11/2021 20:06

Both sets of grandparents had all of mine most weeks from early on so I could catch up on sleep, get my hair down etc. Overnight from maybe 2 months so DH and I could have a night out. The children have the most incredible bond with their grandparents and it's lovely to see. I love my children more than anything but I've always said that some time to yourself and as a couple is vital. DH and I are not just parents we are still a couple and that's very important.

Whentheleavesfalldown · 09/11/2021 20:08

Yabu for wanting to leave your 6 week old overnight. Why can’t the baby come with you both? Or ask MIL to babysit for a couple of hours then pick baby up?

Skyeheather · 09/11/2021 20:09

There's no way I would have left my five week old baby with someone else overnight to go out for a meal for DP's birthday.

Get a takeaway and have a candle lit dinner for two at home or take the baby to the restaurant with you. I used to find going out for lunch was better, both my babies were more settled and happy to sleep in the pram or car seat during the daytime.

Your DP can still have a lovely birthday. You are parents now, baby comes first before your social life.

PurpleOkapi · 09/11/2021 20:11

YABU, but not for wanting to have him with you all the time. For thinking that your partner's birthday is important enough to part with him overnight, but that keeping a promise you made to your MIL isn't important enough to part with him for a few hours. Now that it's clear to her that you're only interested in free baby-sitting when convenient for yourselves, and not in her feelings about any of it, it's perfectly reasonable that she'd no longer be willing to provide free baby-sitting on demand.

Nsky · 09/11/2021 20:12

There is no harm in a couple of hrs for mil to be with your baby, be kind

Lalliella · 09/11/2021 20:12

So you want to use your MIL for childcare when it’s convenient for you, but not let her take your baby out any other time? Hmmm. It’s not MIL who’s the unreasonable one.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2021 20:14

It doesn't look like OP is coming back. 🤷‍♀️

GeorgiaGirl52 · 09/11/2021 20:15

@forrestgreen

I actually side with your mil. You want her to know your baby well enough to have him overnight but she can't build up to that. You can't pick and choose

You should call her and apologize. Blame it on hormones and say you appreciate her taking the PFB one afternoon a week. When PFB is a Terrible Two and you are having newborn DC2 you will be so grateful that M-I-L can do overnights with PDC1.

diddl · 09/11/2021 20:15

@Lalliella

So you want to use your MIL for childcare when it’s convenient for you, but not let her take your baby out any other time? Hmmm. It’s not MIL who’s the unreasonable one.

I think that Op & MIL have certainly got off on the wrong foot about it, but my Mum was happy to babysit when I wanted her to without having to have the kids alone as a condition of that happening.

mountieusa · 09/11/2021 20:25

girl, you just had a baby - you are only 5 weeks post partum. Read about the forth trimster. Mil doesnt need to bond with a newborn. Your LO doesnt care at all who she is. Post partum time is not only about the mom. It is also about the baby who needs to recover after arriving in this world. Separating a newborn from its mother without any reason is cruel. Your husbands birthday is more important than the wellbeing of your baby? Who leaves her newborn overnight? Why did you have a baby in the first place? A baby is not a toy to be shared. Stand your ground - your baby needs you not granny.

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